More places asking me to state my prounouns. WWYD?

[GennyCrabby]

For obvious reasons I don't want to state my pronouns. I have an obviously female name and woman figure and if somebody accidentally "misgendered" me I'd be happy to correct them no hard feelings.

I'm finding in this strange year that more and more places online are asking for prounouns. Anybody else experiencing this? So far it's been a request, and I've been able to just ignore it.

The requests at the beginning of zoom calls are getting more emphatic and less like a choice . I'm working with different people so it could be that, but my sense is more and more that I'm being one of the fewer and fewer in the call(s) who don't change my name to include my pronouns I stand out more and more as GC. For somebody who is deliberately not "out" it's getting very uncomfortable.

I requested to joined a Facebook group last night. This morning I woke up to an "introduce yourself!" post that instructed (not requested) us to declare our pronouns. I've ignored that bit, but the way it was phrased it's obvious I have ignored it and i wonder if I'm going to be prompted again. If pushed I think I'll go the "my prounouns are sex based" or "oh yeah sure I'm female " route or drop the admin a PM saying I am uncomfortable stating my pronouns and hope they leave it as that.

The second is more delicate, because it's a session for my hobby that I want to go to that is being run by a trans man. I'm very happy to use their preferred pronouns and don't wish in the slightest to do or say anything against them - I am after all despite what many would claim, not transphobic, I wish him peace and he's a big deal in this field, I'd love to learn from him. Equally, I feel strongly enough about my own rights and views that I just don't want to state my pronouns. Help! How on earth would you handle this delicately and with grace?

Thanks, OldCrone. I shall make a note of it. Got a feeling we're going to be needing that link a lot over the coming months...

Maybe we need new words that define someone’s actual sex and their gender id? That could be interesting. Completely useless but hey ho, seems to be the way of things these days.

@SerenityNowwwww

Maybe we need new words that define someone’s actual sex and their gender id? That could be interesting. Completely useless but hey ho, seems to be the way of things these days.

I think we have perfectly good words and language to cope with the world around us. But no amount of using "horse" for "cake" is going to see us blowing out candles on "animals that have hooves" as the trans lobby will argue for when they have done with "woman".

It's obvious they started with woman because they wanted to leverage the natural politeness the western world has inculculated into women over the millennia. Imagine if they'd tried to tell men how to speak first ?

I was joking... but I’m not completely sure this wouldn’t happen.

I agree with earlier poster - just have a cheerfully nonchalant attitude and say, "I don't have a preference." It makes you APPEAR accommodating without them thinking you have a point to grind. Hopefully, it will get some people to realize that 1. Compulsory pronouns is not only rude, but silly. 2. Because you really wouldn't be upset if someone "misgendered" you, maybe they will realize that it's odd some people are so upset by it.

For obvious reasons I don't want to state my pronouns

By this I presume you mean you’re GC and don’t want to out yourself. Given that, anything you say, other than complying will probably out you. I would suggest ignoring it completely and if they keep harassing you about it, say that you feel harassed, coerced and bullied and possibly you could add that if they continue you will report them

I agree with earlier poster - just have a cheerfully nonchalant attitude and say, "I don't have a preference."

They haven't written the pronoun that can handle me yet. Is also an possible reply ...

Sorry, I'll stop derailing with asinine ideas. I appreciate we all need to take this very seriously. Did I say "we". Maybe I meant "you". That's second person singular though. I'll report anyone who thought it was second person plural. Thee'll see.

Love the suggestions on here.

If I were genuinely worried for my job, I would go for: "If you are addressing me directly please use 'you, your,'. If you are referring to me in the third person during this Zoom call, please use a proper noun: my name."

Like Dido says, 'She is the cat's mother' - it's plain rude even if it weren't so ridiculous.

This also flags up the difference between T and LGB. You're not required to tell everyone your sexual orientation before a meeting - can you imagine?!

This also flags up the difference between T and LGB. You're not required to tell everyone your sexual orientation before a meeting - can you imagine?!

Or you could say:
my first name is Genny
“My surname is Crabby
My age is 30
My star sign is Leo
My favourite drink is tea
My favourite tipple is vodka
My sexuality is “

“Oh get on with it, we haven’t got time for all this!”

This also flags up the difference between T and LGB. You're not required to tell everyone your sexual orientation before a meeting - can you imagine?!

But both are covered by the clause in the Yogyakarta Principles about disclosing information.

Ensure the right of all persons ordinarily to choose when, to whom and how to disclose information pertaining to their sexual orientation or gender identity, and protect all persons from arbitrary or unwanted disclosure, or threat of disclosure of such information by others.

The Yogyakarta Principles were considered to be so important by the Scottish Government that they were cited as one of the main reasons for proposing changes to the GRA.

All you need to do if you are being coerced into stating your pronouns is say that you are being forced to out yourself which goes against the Yogyakarta Principles.

Just say "she/her". It won't kill you.

aren't there about 164 different genders at the moment? You could say you're gender fluid and are currently working your way through them all to see which one you prefer - and woe betide anyone who gets the wrong pronoun, you'll be reporting them and to the police as a hate incident

@elizaday97

Just say "she/her". It won't kill you.

Why should she?

Exactly - why buy into this?

I presume he/she is frowned upon?

@SerenityNowwwww

Farsi - also I think Thai and Finnish. How do they cope? 😱

Any English speaking trans people would have a hard time in Finland as Finns tends to use he and she interchangeably when speaking English, I've been called both he and she in the same sentence before.

Me too (not in Finnish!)

Exactly, fine with me if someone wants to declare pronouns for whatever personal reasons, but I also want my freedom not to declare them to be respected.

My boss is implying it is homophobic/transphobic not to declare them. I honestly believe that we shouldn’t be defined by our sex or sexual preferences, if we want to be truly equalitarian we may all as well declare our pronouns as it/its or invent a new pronoun that covers all preferences.

A simple "pass" if it's done at the beginning of a meeting or Zoom call is perfectly acceptable.

I've read a number of articles by transsexuals pointing out that making every one state their pronouns does not necessarily make them feel more comfortable, but just suggests to them that they do not pass if pronouns need to be stated. A number of detransitioners have also written that compulsory pronoun disclosure made them feel uncomfortable.

For both sets, their preferred option was a polite, calm "pass".

So, let everyone else state their pronouns if they so wish, GennyCrabby, and have a polite "I'm not comfortable with this" ready if anyone objects to you engaging with this.

Following which, if you are challenged again, you can send an email politely referring to the Yogyakarta Principle in question. It is unlikely that you will, but it helps to be prepared.

And this approach does not require you to reveal any personal objections. Mine for instance are first based on the negative outcomes for women emphasising their sex in this way in a work context and second on my free speech views, but none of this is anyone's business but mine.

Yes, I agree we should support those who took a stand, but I do not agree that a single woman should ever do so if her job or business could be affected. To take a stand under those conditions should always be a decision made by the individual in question for her own reasons and not because of outside pressure. Because the repercussions will not be borne by those demanding she take a stance, but by her and her alone.

^ if anyone objects to you not engaging with this.

I haven't been asked yet, but would like to get the point about compelled speech in there, as suggested by PPs.

Perhaps "I no not wish to be compelled to explicitly discuss anything relating to my sex or sexuality. I suggest you use you judgement in deciding how to refer to me."

Option 1: pretend you didn’t hear / forgot / ignore

Option 2 (if directly Pushed on it): “did you know that women identifying themselves As such leads to Gender stereotyping and discrimination and stereotype threat?”

In person, I just look them in the eye and say "I don't want to"

I have never had to explain further than that, although I've always been poised to say "I'm not sufficiently comfortable with any to regard them as a preference and I'd appreciate not being railroaded, thank you very much."

I'm not sure how best to do the same online, although I can't imagine people forcing someone to declare pronouns against their will if they've already said they don't want to.

My work place is increasingly woke, so I'm preparing myself for this. I'm planning to ignore it until pushed, then act confused, and if properly pushed, state that having considered it, I'm not comfortable with the principle due to the risk of unconscious bias and that people are welcome to simply use my name when referring to me. I'm pretty sure they won't argue.

@LonginesPrime

In person, I just look them in the eye and say "I don't want to"

I have never had to explain further than that, although I've always been poised to say "I'm not sufficiently comfortable with any to regard them as a preference and I'd appreciate not being railroaded, thank you very much."

I'm not sure how best to do the same online, although I can't imagine people forcing someone to declare pronouns against their will if they've already said they don't want to.

online you could say that you don't want anyone to treat you differently if they know your sex because you could suffer from sex discrimination whereas at the moment you are protected by them not being aware. There are a couple of articles that show women were treated very differently from men when the email recipient thought they were dealing with a woman