More places asking me to state my prounouns. WWYD?

[GennyCrabby]

For obvious reasons I don't want to state my pronouns. I have an obviously female name and woman figure and if somebody accidentally "misgendered" me I'd be happy to correct them no hard feelings.

I'm finding in this strange year that more and more places online are asking for prounouns. Anybody else experiencing this? So far it's been a request, and I've been able to just ignore it.

The requests at the beginning of zoom calls are getting more emphatic and less like a choice . I'm working with different people so it could be that, but my sense is more and more that I'm being one of the fewer and fewer in the call(s) who don't change my name to include my pronouns I stand out more and more as GC. For somebody who is deliberately not "out" it's getting very uncomfortable.

I requested to joined a Facebook group last night. This morning I woke up to an "introduce yourself!" post that instructed (not requested) us to declare our pronouns. I've ignored that bit, but the way it was phrased it's obvious I have ignored it and i wonder if I'm going to be prompted again. If pushed I think I'll go the "my prounouns are sex based" or "oh yeah sure I'm female " route or drop the admin a PM saying I am uncomfortable stating my pronouns and hope they leave it as that.

The second is more delicate, because it's a session for my hobby that I want to go to that is being run by a trans man. I'm very happy to use their preferred pronouns and don't wish in the slightest to do or say anything against them - I am after all despite what many would claim, not transphobic, I wish him peace and he's a big deal in this field, I'd love to learn from him. Equally, I feel strongly enough about my own rights and views that I just don't want to state my pronouns. Help! How on earth would you handle this delicately and with grace?

How about saying 'I don't feel comfortable in being part of compelled speech. It feels linne bullying to me. I think like people to be free to refer to me in any way they see fit.' Hear hear to the poster who said that we need to show solidarity to the women who have been brave enough to stand up against this. As that nazi scholar (Dietrich hoffmann??) said 'not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act. '

Some really useful replies here thanks.

@Deltoids1

I know it’s not comfortable going against the flow but I would just state “I am not comfortable stating my pronouns, please refer to me how you see fit.”

I like this, although truth be told I DO have a preference, my biological sex based pronouns. My reasons for resisting having to state them has more to do with resisting normalising the concept that woman is a choice not a biological fact. I am thinking of modifying this to "thank you for asking, I'm not comfortable stating my prounouns, but you can call me " with a warm smile. What do you think? Even if it's a demand not a request, me assuming it is a request puts them in a bad light if they push further.

Because fundamentally, how the other react to that polite request tells you all you need to know about the group.

Totally agree.

I do believe if we, individually, don’t go along with this crap then we cause some resistance in real life. So many women have been incredibly brave and publicly stood up to this crap, they need our backing even in small ways.

I do agree with you. That's why I'm having this discussion here, after all. I'm just very conscious that anything I do under my own name could get me doxxed. Me being doxxed has serious professional repercussions. I'm very acutely aware of the importance of not just complying (again, that's why this thread is here) and also balancing that with my personal needs.

God I made a mess of that. I wish there was an edit function. I meant to say 'I don't feel comfortable in being part of compelled speech. It feels like bullying to me. I think people should be free to refer to me in any way they see fit.'

Ask people to vote? Or demand everyone just uses the same one.

Given the studies on sex discrimination and the fact that my sex/gender/fairy identity is irrelevant in these situations I'm all for everybody using one neutral one.

It. Haha. I have some family who naturally don’t use pronouns in mother tongue. I’m not unused to being called ‘he’.

I'm not comfortable stating my pronouns, but you can call me
There's a danger that this could lead to further probing (possibly not in the meeting but afterwards) e.g. 'Do you mean you never use pronouns?' etc. I think you need an answer that is sufficient in itself.

truth be told I DO have a preference, my biological sex based pronouns.
I think normally it's better to be as true to yourself as you can so could you base your answer around this? e.g. 'I prefer to use the pronouns for my biological sex, which is...'

Personally I wouldn't bother with the smile. Just be courteous.

Oh I'm dreading this.
My pronouns are the general female ones, but being asked what i would prefer would be difficult for me because I dont care but would love to be able to identify out of being female
I find it quite stressful tbh - same with being asked about sexuality, religion, disability. I tick "prefer not to say" whenever it's an option

Yeah. I grew up when it was de rigueur for feminists not to state their sex on forms and to write applications in relatively gender-neutral terms because we knew that outing ourselves as women would likely mean we were passed over - pretending to be a bloke would at least get us in the door to an interview where we'd have to answer questions about our breeding habits. This has changed some for the better, but not wholly. I would still like to keep me sexed identity hidden on many occasions - putting pronouns is like an invite to discriminate on the basis of sex.

The only reason the ‘need’ to know is that some people have now decided that are a he/she/they/xi... so that means that everyone had to play the game.

Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Why not say, "My name is Crabby, I don't feel entitled to compel anyone else's speech but I do promise not to take offence at whatever pronouns people use when they refer to me."

That is clear, modest and friendly with a hint of 'more reasonable than thou' which shouldn't attract attack, though you never know. It's what I'd do! You should be unassailable and you get to keep your principles.

Just realised I've said basically what JKRisaqueen said further up the thread!

My pronouns are I/me/my. What other people call me is down to them, I can't police others' language. Thank crikey I've never really come across this madness yet.

e.g. 'Do you mean you never use pronouns?' etc. I think you need an answer that is sufficient in itself.

e.g. 'I prefer to use the pronouns for my biological sex, which is...'

But nobody uses sex-based pronouns to talk about themselves. We say I, me, mine. I've never referred to myself as "she" or "her"

Bold/quote fail there sorry

I really don't understand the need for this, how often do you actually in a work meeting/email type scenario say she/her? If someone is referring to you or asking for your contribution they use your name.

It's making a point of being woke unnecessarily.

Yes you are correct, and that is what makes this whole spectacle a self aggrandising piece of nonsense. However the op is seeking a non confrontational response and I understand why.

Soz cross post - that was to beautiful

I would just say my name is 'insert name here' and leave it at that if anyone pressed I'd say, please just use my name to communicate with or about me.

It's easy to do without ever using any pronouns at all.

• Hi Jane, can you do xxxx
• Everyone this is Jane, Jane's going to heading up this project.
• Jane is the person who sits at the corner desk, dresses very smartly, long blonde hair, works in Johns team.
• John can you make sure you loop Jane in on all communications about project work please

OP I do understand the balance you’re trying to reach. I didn’t mean to suggest you weren’t standing up to the compelled speech.
I guess my point is if we collectively politely opposite gender ideology in small ways, just like you are doing, if there are consequences the people doxxing etc look like loons.

I understand the nervousness. My business twitter account was targeted because I’d liked (from the wrong account) some of Sharron Davies’ tweet on the subject of TW in women’s sport. It’s scary but I always think of the consequences for our daughters if we don’t stand up.

I think it is very difficult because of your professional position. You may want to just go along with it, although you shouldn't. My reply (easier position!) would be "I don't provide pronouns as highlighting my sex increases unconscious gender bias". Any objections can be met with "I'm sure no one would do it deliberately- it's unconscious!"

I haven't been asked for this but will decline if asked.

"My pronouns match my sex, which to be honest I feel uncomfortable about having to state at the beginning of a meeting."

I am just WAITING to be asked my pronouns! Can't wait to tell people that I have no gender identity (I just AM a woman). I have been crossing out "gender" on forms and replacing with "sex". Including one for a new job I'm starting! Husband thought it was a bit risky, but would they really not hire me for that?

@EverardDigby

"My pronouns match my sex, which to be honest I feel uncomfortable about having to state at the beginning of a meeting."

I like this @EverardDigby

@Deltoids1 sorry you had that with your business account. I manage my workplaces twitter from my personal devices (because pandemic) and I try to just not like anything ever unless it's work in case I'm on the wrong account I have slipped up, but luckily I don't think work minds too much about following a page about cat memes

Again, I really agree with what you've said. It's a horrible thing to have to negotiate.

You may want to just go along with it, although you shouldn't at times, yes I do feel like that, that would be easiest and safest short term. It's too important to me to do that though.

Sent before finished - I meant to add thank you again for all the contributions, in going to save this thread for future scenarios. There are times when I will be up for the fight but others when tact whilst maintaining my own boundaries will be better suited. I've had no drama from the Facebook group so far, and I feel sufficiently well equipped to book a session with the trans person now. Thanks all.