Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

Thank you. I'll try to wriggle around the paywall. I read those books to my kids several times over. They were the books I read to them while I was isolated with an extremely abusive ex. JK really did help me through it. Fast forward to today and my now trans-identified son is texting his two young sibs to get those books and burn them in the fire and how vile I am for having them in the house. And they are looking at me like I am doing something wrong by keeping them. Son is so brainwashed and loves the power he feels associating with this violence against her. JK is again my hero, and she's going nowhere.

Thank you for reading my story @lakeswimmer.

@Wombatmama

I read your story. That was hard to read and I'm sure, difficult to write. Thank you for sharing.

Wombatmama I just read your story. There's nothing I can say really except well done for escaping, and for making a life you can love and be loved in. you are AMAZING. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

PS am not a trans widow but I lurk....

Read your story @Wombatmama and amazed at your strength. Very glad you aren’t letting go of the books. Been texting with a friend explaining the JKR situation and she finds it ridiculous.

@TinselAngel very good points. For the time he is here I am supportive (good for you that you had a good day type thing) but not a cheerleader. The tarnished memories is right on the nose! My poor child looking at photos when they are older. Sometimes we watch videos of other reading books and I’m making a point to select more dads now.

Progress today on the work done on the home but will see how that does long term. Looking more at the options and prepping for what forms will be needed and such for my state when the time comes. Lockdown here is still intense with pandemic and the general messed up state of my country.

Would be so very lost without having others in similar circumstances to message with. The only way out is through. And I can get through this. Those not through yet can get through this. Those who finished escaping thank you for telling your stories and giving others hope. The ability of women to give so much even when they have been drained is so immense.

wombat

Hopefully this link includes a share token.

Do read the comments. Universally supportive of JKR. Very faith restoring.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/1fa19c98-aa3c-11ea-adef-7962e28cd764?shareToken=eac39d679b87b54560c487294aec4196

The grief part gets overlooked Maureen not just by the outside world but sometimes by us. I remember being quite taken aback when a friend listened to me break the news about my husband, and said 'You've lost your husband'.
They disappear - certainly in my case. You could add to my list of what's 'different from partner being gay' with speaking in a new falsetto voice, and the buy-in into a whole new life. My husband, as far as I'm concerned, no longer exists. A relative noted it is rather as if he committed suicide; we loved him, but he didn't love him and obliterated him in name, appearance, or any acknowledgement of his existence. In fact we all have to collude in his disappearance. There is nothing quite like it, and it's mind-blowing for my teenagers.
It is a unique situation; they are still here but they're gone. I have found managing photos and videos very difficult. He does not want or display photos of him as a man with his children, so what do I do with them? In the end I heavily edited them out, as my teens were distressed to open photo albums and find pictures of him, and stored a few of him as a man with the children. This is a slow process of adapting and changing and finding a new way to live. My counsellor reminded me it is loss that we go through, and recovery from loss is not tidy, linear or formulaic.

Good quote: a ‘trans widow’ on the Web says ‘… It’s like a strange woman just up and murdered your husband one night, then moved in and expected you to not only be in love with them, but also celebrate the death of your spouse with them’.

That quote is exactly how I feel @socialworker222. This stranger is walking around in a bra they don’t need, benefiting from my mental and physical labor, looking into changing their voice, taking medications not meant for their body, expecting me to call them a new name. Meanwhile many of those same mannerisms are still there, the hobbies, the ‘old’ clothes never to be worn again, years of photos and videos that seem are all lies now, a future that will never happen. Breaks my heart wondering what the child will think of those photos and videos when they are older. Very much there is a stranger in my home and I don’t know how I will come to even like them let alone parent with them.

Hey ladies, I've been super busy completing yet another mini breakdown as I wade through the quagmire of quite frankly triggering news / internet stories etc just through FB and twitter. I'm seeing close friends tweeting stuff which is essentially online hate for JKRowling and coming to the realisation that I can't be honest with many of my friends who were there for me when I left my ex and see themselves as trans allies.

I am a trans ally, but not.. when I see terrible things being posted by AGP ppl on twitter.

It's been 15 years and 6 months since I left my MTF ex. I've only accepted that what happened to me all those years ago was rape. Now Daniel Radcliffe comes along and tells me as a woman, that I have to accept transwomen into areas that were exclusively women only? No. Way. I'm not a TERF. But a sexual abuse survivor. My story is also on the website. It was a relief to be able to write my truth. Poorly written, but it's up there.

So to the new ladies who've joined the thread please, get counseling any way you can. Let yourself grieve, you're not alone as you can see and we will support you. You're not bad women or allies or former spouses for prioritising your emotional and sexual health first. You can't look after anyone else, if you don't look after yourself.

much love

I'm almost three years post divorce and still dealing with a lot of grief. Lately it's less that I'm missing my former husband (who has been nothing but a narcissistic ass since we parted ways), been grief that I no longer have a co-parent. My ex has done nothing for our daughters in the midst of all of this crisis, while one of my daughters is going through mental health difficulties. I cannot imagine ever being so self-centered as to not give a damn about my daughters, the way my ex is doing.

The JK Rowling controversy is also upsetting to me, a lot of our daughters' childhood was reading the books and going to see the movies together as a family. And of course my ex now thinks this esteemed author is awful, just because she exerts her right to voice her opinion.

Hey everyone, I'm sorry I've been absent for so long. I found that I was spending a lot of time on the board last year and not really coping very well mentally, so took a step back. A lovely friend suggested I come back on here though for some support and I'm glad she did.

I know that I am struggling and I really wish I wasn't. This is a really long post, and I apologise. I think I just needed to splurge and let everything out that I feel like I've been holding in for so long.

This last week there have been a lot of pro-trans/anti JKR posts on my facebook feed from a number of sources. The industry I am in is VERY woke. They quite frequently have worldwide coordinated responses to certain individuals who don't toe the line with regards to their responses to issues of LGBTQ+ or race, mental health etc. - removing support for them and their businesses entirely. In one way it is great to know that everyone is trying hard to be inclusive, (with regards to racism especially) but in another, it makes me feel very scared about being able to be myself apart from in very guarded circles.

Most of those in the industry like to post on social media as themselves and as their businesses in support of these various campaigns, and there is very much an undercurrent of silence being seen as a choice not to be supportive. The 'silent friend is no friend' thing.

I am finding it very difficult reading all the posts about trans issues, the jk rowling things etc. (Pre her essay, oddly I haven't seen anything pop up since that!) Unfortunately the images and flashbacks that happen when I read posts about how trans women are women and that we shouldn't misgender etc are those of being raped and abused by my ex. A trans woman. Being told to refer to those acts being carried out by someone with a female pronoun feels like it is gaslighting and sacrificing my experiences at the alter of not offending the perpetrator. It feels like me apologising for being raped by him.

It is such a hugely personal and triggering issue for me that I have felt completely lost and to date have never responsed on any of their posts on their pages or in forums, but have faced the very real worry that in being so silent it is going to harm people's views of me and my business. There is definitely no way that I could say I am GC, and I don't even know if they would be compassionate if they heard my story.

A lot of the time I feel like I am silently screaming.

My ex-husband is trans. He was trans when we got married, he was trans when we had the kids, he was trans when he raped and abused me. I can't think of those times and call him a her, nor do I think I should have to.

I knew about the cross-dressing before we got married, but being very poorly (wheelchair and often bed-bound) I didn't really mind at that point, and he always reassured me that this wasn't something he wanted to do full-time, it was just an occasional thing. He liked women so much he liked being one. I was ok with it being occasional, behind closed doors, but never ever felt comfortable if he went out like that, it was just so obvious what he was and I was so embarassed and uncomfortable, but also stuck in a wheelchair (or a hospital bed once when he'd forgotten his keys!!) and not really in a place to argue, even though I tried.

It definitely had a sexual/agp route, despite apparently being something he had been doing since childhood. Being in lingerie was definitely what got him going. I tried being supportive, helped with hair etc and tried to help with clothing choices, suggesting that real women don't tend to wear mini skirts and revealing tops, that for the most part we live in jeans and a more comfortable top, and are rather more understated. Choosing things that fit our body types and personal styles. Yeah. That didn't ever sink in. It was about the thrill of wearing what he thought was sexy. It still is.

He officially became a she after I threw him out for rape (final straw!). The first time I saw him after I threw him out, was when he came over to discuss things. He appeared dressed in a revealing top, mini-skirt, fishnet tights and ridiculous heels, (he was already about 6' tall!) telling me that this was how he wanted to live now, but that we should get back together anyway (i had called him over to discuss child arrangements, not reconsiliation). To this day, his version of the breakup is still 'because I am transphobic' and he has never acknowledged the rape or preceeding (or following!) abuse, not even in counselling.

Since then, he has tried to use his trans status as a weapon and as a get-out-of-jail-free card. At one point telling the judge that he should see the kids (despite his abusive behaviour) because he was trans, and that brought the equalities act in, and that trumps the children's act.

His way of coming out to the kids was to tell them he was their mummy now. The older two were 5 and 4 at the time, and he gave no understanding or explanation, he just appeared dressed in front of them, later sending them a book called 'my new mommy' (american spelling, we're uk!) which was so sexist it was unbelievable. If you haven't seen it, it makes no mention of boy children (my eldest is a girl, but i also have two sons) or the existing biological mother(!) and keeps talking about how much fun it'll be because my new mommy will do her nails with me and go shopping with me etc.

He is a narcissist and continues to cause a lot of upset to myself and the kids even 10 years on.

There is a no contact order, but we started gradually trying to reintroduce some contact after my subsequent partner (I was too low and groomed already after my ex to see to the red flags) abused me and sexually abused my daughter. I thought that my ex would appreciate being able to see for himself that the kids were ok, despite everything. I can't explain how bad a mistake that has been.

He keeps upsetting the kids. He refuses to listen to (or acknowledge that they have) wants or needs of their own, which was an issue even back when we first separated. Dd wanted to get to know him again slowly but my ex won't have it - it is all about him. He treats dd as if she is 5 rather than a teenager, calles her 'my little princess' and is really really over-touchy and familiar. The last visit last summer (it will be the last ever!!!) my daughter refused to give him a hug, and the response was 'that's fine, nobody wants to hug their mum'. Dd was completely taken aback, not only because she is a very huggy person usually, especially with me and my new partner (of 5 years now), but because it was agreed after the book incident and written into the court order that he is not to refer to himself as mum or similar.

My boys have been treated horribly too, one of them being punished for being autistic, and both being used as weapons against me or having attempts made to drive a wedge into their relationship with me. For example, I'd said to limit sweets/sugar due to health issues, which the kids know and agree with, so Ex decided to eat sweets and treats in front of the kids and to take away sweeties that they won in the arcade, saying they weren't allowed any of them because mummy says so. This was 9 years after i threw him out. He is NEVER going to change.

I think his trans status feeds his narcissism because he is able to play the martyr in an opressed group and get pitied and included and fawned over. I think that's why he's had all the treatments etc, even using that to try and get pity! He is just so brave! The poor thing had had major surgery so couldn't go for a short walk with the kids after a picnic (something they wanted to do). Strange how he was absolutely fine on his feet all day dragging them shopping the day before though (something he wanted to do)...

He has thrown his trans-ness at the kids and I so many times as an excuse, as a justification and as a reason for us to adore him. If I wasn't so transphobic we would still be together as a happy family, obviously.

His current thing is that he is refusing to send xmas or bday presents to the kids. In the past he's just got them delivered straight here by Amazon etc, but because I have stopped contact, it needs to be my fault and he thinks that by hurting the kids, he gets at me. The argument goes that as he got them delivered to him, that either he should be allowed to see the kids to give them to them, that i should drive the breadth of the country to collect them from him, or that I should allow him to drop them with some of my family members because they are closer. (Yeah, it's not about control and invading my safe spaces at all, is it?) The items are heavy and, poor thing, he can't afford the postage on his 50k salary, so wouldn't it be easier just to meet up so he can see me (the kids)? If not then I need to pay for the postage for the presents if i want the kids to have them. That's only fair right, seeing as he bought them and I look after the kids? He'll just take the money out of my child support payments to cover it...

I have a new mantra 'I will not feed the narcissist'. Mostly it works and he just burns himself out eventually, but this one got ridiculous, it dragged on for months. I ended up getting a solicitor involved and threatening a police harassment charge and thankfully there has been no communication since then. Still no parcels for the kids either, but thankfully they don't give two hoots about that any more.

I was feeling stronger before lockdown, and even considering finally reporting the rape to the police. Now I'm back to nightmares of him and my subsequent ex, and depression and anxiety...

Some days I'm fine, I don't know what in particular has made things worse at the moment, but something has. Maybe the uncertainty and fear around lockdown? I guess right now I am just struggling with the fact that i feel like my experiences are being white-washed for political correctness. I don't understand why the abuse I suffered (am suffering?) is less important than the pronoun of the person who abused me.

I know that those on my fb feed posting and reposting are doing so from a position of what they see as compassion and inclusivity. They aren't doing it to be hurtful towards me, and I don't know whether they fully understand the implications of the pro-trans things they ascribe to. I'm just struggling with seeing it all the time and feeling that rising panic in my chest every time. I really need to learn how to separate all that stuff from my personal experiences. I need to not think 'abuse, rape, narcissism, the ex' every time I see the word trans, but I guess after 10 years, it is unlikely to change any time soon.

Sorry girls, no need to reply. I just needed a safe space where I am still allowed to say I have an ex husband. He raped me. He abused me. He hurts our children. He still abuses, gaslights and threatens me. Not an ex-wife. Not She.

:'(

Eggotchi, my deepest sympathies, it sounds like you're handling an awful situation as best you can.

I don't know that we ever fully get over this. I've been reading a book about adultery, "How Can I Forgive You?", which makes me feel that this is a similar betrayal of a marriage. Except adulterers don't get the "stunning and brave" label in our society, at least not yet.

Eggotchi that was so hard to read and I am so sorry. I'm not a trans widow, just a person who looks in from time to time to offer you all encouragement.

What i really wanted to say was do not feel you need to engage on social media, to read or comment etc. Presumably your work is not actually in social media so reading all this stuff is something you may do in your spare time. Maybe try and not engage or give it head space.

Your kids seem to know what is what. Well done for raising them so well in such tough circumstances.

I hope you are able to access some ongoing counselling for the rape and abuse. Is this is what you feel would help.

"My ex-husband is trans. He was trans when we got married, he was trans when we had the kids, he was trans when he raped and abused me. I can't think of those times and call him a her, nor do I think I should have to."

This whole bit was meant to say male. Don't type tired!!

He was male when we got married. He was male when we had the kids. He was male when he raped and abused me.

@QuinnMovesOn I know what you mean. It is frustrating that they can behave in such callous ways and get applauded for it. We don't get the same understanding or sympathies as we would had they cheated on us and expected us to accept it, and possibly a 3rd person into our marriage. Instead we get told that they are the same person, just expressing themselves truly, so we shouldn't feel any differently about them and should just accept that change in our reality and be happy for them. :(

Related thread:

My Dad is a transsexual, she started transitioning when I was 5 - AMA www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3936610-My-Dad-is-a-transsexual-she-started-transitioning-when-I-was-5-AMA

Hiya everyone. First time commenting on a trans widow thread.

I left my trans partner at the end of april after just over 2 years of abuse. I know nothing in terms of the length of time some of you have/are struggling.

This person mentally abused me, physically attacked me. And then when they knew they could get away with that after the police arrested me because of his lies and manipulation, he started sexually abusing me too.

He coerced me into selling myself. I was physically attacked and violently raped while he stood and watched. And when I had enough and my mate paid a taxi to get me away I wasnt allowed to take any of my clothes or possessions. I managed to grab my passport and one of my phones that got damaged in the struggle when he tried to take it from me before I left (even though its mine. I bought it before i lived with him).

I feel absolutely worthless. People seem to believe me. I've got a LOT of support and even people who dont like me have come forward saying they knew all along it wasnt me. But I still feel like shit.

I'm 30 and I'm on my mates sofa with nothing. Its 2 weeks til payday and I have fuck all while that cunt is sat comfortable because he hasnt had to start again from scratch.

I thought thenpolice would arrange something but they arrested him and still nothings been said about my property while I'm struggling to scrape bits together so I dont have to wear pink converse with every outfit.

He didnt even let me take my dogs ashes. My poor baby is still stuck there. I'm so glad he spent his last days with my little brother I'd never forgive myself if hed spent them watching me cry.

I hope everyones ok I've worked myself up into tears so I'll leave it there and have a catch up as I have read previous threads but I was up to about page 20 on thread 3.

If anyone knows any organisations that can help me out financially thatd be great. Obviously i can prove I've left and i have all my crime reference and rape support stuff to prove it.

Love to all xx

I'm not a TERF

Rett I think you probably need to accept that you are a TERF by current standards. You may consider yourself a trans ally but the trans movement will not.

I find once you accept this, it makes life much easier.

Quinn, the struggle of single parenting is real. I think we have a hope that our ex's "female idenity" will make them remain more involved than other divorced Dads, but all the stories from women on here confirm that they are just like every other male in this situation.

and ranting to single parent friend can help, I find.

I also feel the need to point out. I am and always have been a trans ally. I've been part of the LGBT scene since I was 15. I am attracted majoritively to feminine presenting people.

I do not consider my ex trans. None of my trans friends behave this way and one of the people supporting me is an openly gay cross dresser. I consider my ex a narcissist who will use any tool in reach to paint himself as a victim. He came out as trans after the first time he strangled me and then got me arrested.

I have no doubt he is only continuing because hes taken it too far to just switch back like he did after his ex without it being obvious it was just a tool to torment me and steal my personality because he is jelous. He doesnt want to transition into a woman, he is an overgrown child. He wants to transition into a person who is accepted but really it's only him who cant accept himself.

His view on feminity is so warped its unreal. Whatever hes trying to be it isnt like any woman I've ever met. And I'm talking purely personality I'm not touching the physical side.

@Eggotchi

I'm really glad that you have found your way back to the thread. What comes across strongly to me is how you have desperately tried to do the right thing for your children throughout this. Its unfortunate that has meant he can still get at you for naricisstic supply.

It sounds like your kids have the meaure of him now and with no contact order you are in a strong position.

Its odd what things trigger us isn't it? I get massively triggered by feminists sharing articles from trans widows husbands. It provokes a viseral fury in me, yet I've been able to roll my eyes at alot of the JKR stuff. Lockdown and spending more time with our thoughts is bound to take its toll.

There are no easy answers but it sounds like you have a good support structure and little need to have anything to do with your ex going forward.

Hi Milotic I'd suggest contacting Women's Aid, Citizen's Advice and your local council to see if they do emergency hardship payments. (Assuming you're in the UK).

Yes I am in the uk just moved area so I'm not familiar with local services.

I kept trying to leave locally but ended up being sucked back in.

100 miles distance makes that part a lot harder. I didnt think of womens aid they advised me a few times and were brilliant about the abuse in general reassuring me etc I always think of them in the pre leaving part rather than the after bit x

I'm fucking dreading a court case aswell by the way. If it comes to it is there any way I can stop it going in the papers?

I dont want my kids googling my name and reading about what he did to me.

Maybe Rape Crisis or Victim Support would be able to advise?