Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

Quinn and Rett I too get derailed when things like the JKR row hit the headlines; one of the challenges for me and my teenagers was to work out how we feel about 'trans issues' generally, and keep it separate from what happened to us (virtually impossible of course). It's difficult to manage the anger, which is entirely tainted by my personal anger about my personal history, and to wonder what I would have thought about these issues before my ex did what he did. It's challenging as a tolerant, left-wing person, although being a lifelong feminist helps to clarify. I try to send support to women speaking out or suffering around free speech which can feel productive on a personal level. But it's very button-pressing and can bring all the personal feelings rushing back in.

Milotic it sounds as if you need to stay away now, and make the break, as you're seeing your ex very clearly for what he is. I'm not clear where your kids are though? Sounds like you need CAB for various reasons; they are doing phone advice. I found approaching the situation like a list of jobs helpful; you need financial advice, legal advice, and presumably something to do with your kids? How old are they? Try to take this one part at a time; it sounds very rough.

Milotic it occurred to me that you might be better starting a thread in Relationships because we're not experts in the issues you are asking about and there's some very knowledgeable women over there who probably wouldn't feel right about posting on this thread.

Socialworker my kids are with their dad. He knows what was going on and has been really helpful and supportive and kept them in contact with me. Ive asked to be referred to social services for myself but havent heard anything yet im assuming due to coronavirus they are prioritising people they are concerned about and theyre not concerned about my kids welfare just suporting us going forward.

Tinselangel I think i will do when ive got more confidence, i am still very wary of posting due to the trans aspect. I was labelled transphobic every single day and im still frightened of having to explain every time how much i actually did, all the hours and thousands i spent on make up, clothes and nails for him to call me a terf and a transphobe every time i complained about being treated like a dog. Its taken me 3 weeks of writing and deleting to actually just change my account and post here.

I think you'll be okay posting on Relationships, Milotic. You can make it clear in your OP that you're looking for advice re: your ex and how to help yourself going forward rather than looking for an ideological bunfight; support thread unspoken rules then apply.

I've had to do it myself before, when the ramifications of DN3's mother's transition were becoming unmanageable. They were brilliant.

Thanks to the JKR thing, DN1 has made it clear she thinks we're all reactionary old bigots. I guess my sister did too good a job of protecting her from the details of the fiasco with her cousin's mother.

Well on the trans child front, cant remember if I mentioned this. My exs middle daughter is very emotionally damaged and had been copying her father's behaviour.

Before I left I'd made a decision in my head that I wasnt going to see his children again. Which saddened me but I couldnt take being gaslighted by him, nevermind off of his 5 and 7 year olds because they dont know better. And then it came.

"I'm not really a girl" "I want to be a boy" where previously it was "I like boys Jean's because they fit me better".

Happy to report a few weeks away from him and I saw pics last night of her doing things she previously claimed she didnt enjoy that were actually things HE dislikes and constantly tells her she dislikes. The same way he tells her she was abused until she repeats it.

Hopefully if he goes to prison theyll be spared any more of it as I imagine its dropped completely now away from his Influence.

Obviously I'm just transphobic to the kid as he said though.

Oh and the police drove 113 miles to drop me some of my belongings off yesterday.

I had thought hed actually given me my clothes.

But no. He decided it was appropriate to pack trashed clothes to send. I showed the officers while they were here.

He has a whole wardrobe full of beautiful clothes of mine. I told the officer, who was the one who arrested him, I said now you've seen the size of me, tell me how he is ever going to fit into my clothes? He said it's clear he never will as you cannot shrink bone. He is 6ft2 with a 40inch ribcage. I am 5ft7 and I am a tiny size 6 and a shoe size 5. Him a 10.

He has NO other reason to keep them other than to continue abusing me by depriving me financially and to continue his delusion that he is me.

If they dont note that as a form of abuse after they witnessed it themselves theres something fucked in the system but other than that theyve been good.

I am livid and feeling like I have no identity again. I am sick of this person stealing my personality and image.

@socialworker222

Quinn and Rett I too get derailed when things like the JKR row hit the headlines; one of the challenges for me and my teenagers was to work out how we feel about 'trans issues' generally, and keep it separate from what happened to us (virtually impossible of course). It's difficult to manage the anger, which is entirely tainted by my personal anger about my personal history, and to wonder what I would have thought about these issues before my ex did what he did. It's challenging as a tolerant, left-wing person, although being a lifelong feminist helps to clarify. I try to send support to women speaking out or suffering around free speech which can feel productive on a personal level. But it's very button-pressing and can bring all the personal feelings rushing back in.

This is what I discussed with my therapist today.

I bought up the JKR row today and she mentioned that she thought of me when she saw it on the news. I had a good rant, finally said the rape word and that's huge progress for me. I feel like I'd been stuck for few weeks, 6 week ago, I literally couldn't say it. Now I'm like, accepting that what happened to me was rape. Even worse is knowing that I won't get justice because it's literally my word against my ex. Finally, that right now, the feeling against women who question the idea that transwomen are women, is so high, I'm unable to talk about it with my friends.

@TinselAngel I agree, by their definition, I'm a TERF. I know I'm not, but we all know, perception is everything. So in that case, after seeing the levels of abuse that JKR's received, transwomen are misandrists.

@Milotic

What a toxic human being your ex is. Sending you love.

Been away from the board for a few days. Thinking of all here that are struggling and so livid about the toxic and abusive things that have been done (and continue!) to some of you.

No changes in my situation. His sibling has been told and everything is fine. No reach out to me from the sibling or their spouse to see how I and the child are doing. So guess I need to get used to that. Seems consistent with other accounts. Still waffling between wanting him gone as soon as feasible and letting him be a roommate for consistency for the child. I know it is avoidance of the needed paperwork.

Been reading a lot of reddit and may need to pull back as anger just wells up in me at the situation and how there are so many ways I’m powerless. Can’t speak up, can’t express my concerns that he’s pursuing this to avoid other issues, just can’t do so much.

Still have not looked for a therapist. I know it is badly needed but I’ve been using work and other things as an excuse. That and with all the JKR stuff I worry about finding someone I can be honest with. There is plenty outside the specific trans issue to work through but that part is still there and isn’t going anywhere. Even without that issue I’d be near my limit (not sure if I envy those who had a solid relationship and were actively in love before the ‘coming out’) but now this overshadows everything. While I’m grateful it is not a dangerous situation in my case I still want to be on the other side of it and have this all be past.

The self absorption I talked about is still there but there has been more work around the house so he’s being a bit better of a roommate. Paying more attention to the child but still seeing cases where he is busy in the phone with “the girls” and ignoring the child. Makes me sad but I’ve learned from here that their relationship is just that, theirs. All I can do is be there and be consistent for my child.

As always thank you for this space. The collective wisdom here has helped. I know I’m not losing my mind and I have much more awareness of things to look out for.

@MaureenJSL to be there for your child, you need to be there for yourself. Please make sure you get support / therapy for yourself as you can only be strong for so long. Don't use excuses - and speak to your employer as they may be able to offer a discounted or even free therapy - or your GP.
Mine ex is still living with me, and all it has done is make me dislike them even more as they are clearly only here for financial reasons/ they can't (be arsed to) get a job.

A typo in a conversation came up last night - they are wom because they no longer want to associate with being a man.

Was anyone elses partner obsessed with them? Like BEING you? I can't get my head around it. I've known some toxic men. But this is like he thinks he's me.

He outright told me once he is jealous of me and wants to be me and it kills him knowing he can't.

Everyone is noticing it and it's the main reason people are believing me.

He tells people he has the things I am diagnosed with. He tells my stories to people as if they happened to him. He sits in a flat that I decorated and he has described as being all me. He uses my old phone number despite having several unused SIM cards I know he has cuz I saw them in the mail a few times he hoards them. My shoes are still on the shelves. He's kept all my clothes. Even down to my underwear. I'm a 28A forgoodness sake no 6ft2 human will EVER fit in these clothes male or female. He still had the same nails I put on before I left (long acrylics) according to someone who saw him.

People actively asking "why's he trying to be milotic" "is it me or is he copying milotics style badly"

WTAF??

Even down to the things I was watching. He hated tiger King and threw several tantrums about how much I talked about Joe exotic. Said it and I was stupid. Then as soon as I left changed his profile picture to free Joe exotic.

There's like two people giving him attention and one of them is considered the village idiot.

He doesn't seem to have a proper personality it's like he stole my identity. I've changed how I look and style myself to get away from it.

Was anyone elses partner obsessed with them? Like BEING you? I can't get my head around it. I've known some toxic men. But this is like he thinks he's me.

This is common fetish behavior.
One woman's brother changed his name to her name as part of his transition.

What you're describing is not unusual I'm afraid, see this from 1998

www.gender.org.uk/conf/1998/diana.htm

Was anyone elses partner obsessed with them? Like BEING you?

I think that's why they pick you to have a relationship with in the first p[lace, they like the way you look. They pick us because when we have sex with them it makes it easier for them to imagine being us.
The financial abuse is also a very common theme but it does tend to get overlooked by the more outrageous stuff.

I've been doing this for a while now, but still the wise women here say something that makes me re-evaluate.

You are spot on Thelnebriati

Thank you, I've been biting my tongue about that one since you started these threads because its one of the things that makes me feel sick and used.
It also explains other things like their epic rage outs when we make a boundary or say 'no'.

Mine has only done this a small amount. I’m heavyset and he’s been working on becoming rail thin so opposite there. There are a few shirts of mine he wears that are from when I was smaller but I have found current things of mine in his area a few times and take them back. There is one dress, one a wore to an event we went to together actually, I kept finding. He claimed he just didn’t realize (several times) and I finally just hid it. I get so annoyed when those shirts are worn but I had given them so I have no energy to go into it now.

@Iworkmiricles same here with the job. Says it would be at least a year or more before being feeling able to work as a ‘girl’.

I am very lucky to be the one that manages the finances and from here and elsewhere have learned to take extra caution in that regard.

Overall the roommate approach is going ok. I’m no longer managing his to-do list/appointments as I’d expect an adult roommate to handle themselves.

This is why they don't like us talking to each other

Father’s Day in the US. Sending strength to those working through today and helping children work through what now is a very changed holiday.

Sounds like STBX (make that S a someday rather than soon) is planning that the child will call them by the new name eventually. The most I can do it use the first initial of it. Right now daddy is still ok since they are so little. Somehow the statement made it just a notch easier for me to detach from him. I have made it clear that he cannot have mother’s day and cannot have the title mom.

@TinselAngel agreed. I am starting to see why they wouldn’t like us finding each other and discovering all the same themes coming up.

It makes me feel sick too and it's a very lonely experience that I feel most women do not experience with abusers that do not have this identity stealing aspect.

It's interesting you say that @MaureenJSL as my ex's ex is the opposite of me and doesn't do make up etc. She weighs about 17/18 stone. He goes for being thin. And I'm very slim. All the women he wants to be like have similar features and taste to me which are all the opposite to her. And I've never had the feeling he actually wanted to be her. Just more that he didn't think anyone else would let him do the cross dressing.

With me it's like the need to be me overtook any ability to appreciate me and went from there. Even before he wanted to be female again. I told him once he was giving me female vibes. I just didn't click on it was my own personality he was mirroring back at me.

Father's Day here in the UK was very much on my mind... It seems to get bigger every year much as Halloween did. Difficult reminder for my kids, painful, although I suspect I worry about it more than them. The whole concept of a father is thrown up.in the air by this, and the loss and rewriting of one's own life story by another person comes into sharp relief. I hope all you wonderful women and mothers were okay today.

Thelnebriati yes! My ex has spent years trying to become me, not physically because I'm blonde and busty and feminine, whereas he's 6 feet tall with a big nose, angular face massive hands and feet and extremely skinny legs and nobbly knees and a receding hairline. He may have had his genitals reassigned and breast implants, but he's instantly recognisable as a man in make up. He has taken up various causes and political activism that I'm involved with, but of course it all came tumbling down and he was ejected from groups for lying.

I've heard from a woman he had an affair with while we were married, that unbeknownst to me, he used to dress up in my clothes and photograph himself and proudly declared he looked better in them. And the rage was because he didn't.