Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

Thanks for the flowers

This two part podcast has just been released which is an interview between a therapist and a trans widow, and I would urge any woman still stuck in these relationships to listen to it, as so much of what Tracy says is relatable to the experiences of the women here:

Part 2

Also would be very useful for the women who ask us why we didn't leave sooner, as Tracy articulates very well, why we often stay and try and make it work.

You know why spaces like these are needed?

I was browsing a forum today and there was a post from a person who wrote that their partner, a trans woman, had recently left them because the trans woman wanted to pursue a career in porn and had met someone else while doing porn.

And the person who answered the original poster wrote "This is obviously something she needs to do. Tell her you'll wait for her as long as it takes until she is ready. Hope things work out for both of you".

This is the kind of advice you get on trans-positive forums that are supposedly for partners.

anonymous that is just advice to be a doormat. Ugh.

Trans-positive forums aren't actually trans-positive anyway. They're man-positive. They couldn't give a monkey's about women - actual female ones, obvs - who fall under the trans umbrella. My current one-woman crusade to reclaim 'trans woman' (with the space) is making that very obvious.

I'll bet the desire to be in porn is entirely delusional.

Hey everyone, I'm still around. Just quiet on the home front as I'm dealing with a lot of issues. TW - there's discussion about assault.
.
.
.
.
.
..
My counseling session got a bit intense a few weeks ago and really rattled me as I covered talking about my MTF AGP ex. it's hard to acknowledge what happened to me still. Even though I have shared my story on the transwidow site, it's hard to say i was raped for 8 years without feeling.. sick. I still am trying to unpick all the emotional baggage that comes with being coerced into doing things I didn't want to do. I know that I still can be forced to do things I don't want to do because I don't want to upset people.

I don't know how to overcome this. After I left my ex, I got into a sexual relationship because I was pressured. Part of me was flattered, the other part didn't of me didn't want to be abandoned. Then when I didn't do everything they said, I was dumped for someone new. They kept me around for a few months, still having sex with me because I couldn't say no. I eventually managed to say no, walked away. Now, quite a long time down the track, I am happily married with husband. But I was pretty damaged, I still am. I still behave sometimes like I'm in an abusive relationship. Still need to work on that.

Thank god I have found you. I have been thinking it was me for the last 29 years.
I am not a widow as such as DH told me about the ‘need’ he had to x dress early in our relationship but fast forward 29 years and 2 kids later and I have a selfish narc insecure man child who has prioritised his need over the kids and I.
I have been told many things over the years regarding his ‘need’ and I have acquiesced into helping him play out various fantasies over the years out of my love for him, but it was never quite right or enough.
He has grown more annoyed with me i now know because he is deeply unhappy with himself, no responsibility for his own decisions.
The last few days have resulted in my finding emails to a trans instagrammer who he has recently told he loves they have been communicating for 2 years. He has now been blocked by her and is acting like a love struck teenager lying about taking his own life. I have lost all respect for him and have confronted him and said I have had enough I am making the decision for you. It feels like there have been 3 people in our marriage, not his alter ego but the absolute obsession with trans.
He is of course in true narc fashion trying to retake control and threaten to leave and I have said you are behind the curve I have already decided you are going, he is currently stomping around the house because he has lost control and the decision. I feel incredibly relieved and after reading all 4 chats here realise it’s not me it’s him !

Have been lurking here for a little bit and finally signed up today. Much more I want to read and absorb. Thank you all so much for these threads.

I’m not just yet a full transwidow. Pretty typically it was just a little dressing here and there at first. I did the supportive thing and helped with makeup and hair. Then it went a way a bit. Back and forth. We then had a son so got married and he quit his job to care for our son. I am the sole breadwinner and do not want to lose more money than I have to so think this will be a long rocky road to escape. He recently started dressing more and finally sought counseling. Specifically for his want to be a woman (I’m sorry a girl...almost 50...a girl not woman) not for his other issues like quick anger, lack of motivation, and other things could be the reason for the dysphoria not the other way around (but hey if you never explore it you never have to know huh). So now he wants HRT and to tell friends and only ‘dress up’ and can no longer ‘be both’. I’ve tried being there intimately but ugh. If he acts like less of an ass I may be willing to try again If I have any drive. He seems pretty AGP from reading the descriptions and examples but as he is active in forums now I don’t think I can bring that thought up. If he had a job and a place to go it would be so much easier but I’m just not laying out the cash for it. My ex ruined my finances and I’m not letting that happen again after I built it all back up. His parents are great (mine are gone) and I don’t know how they are going to handle it all. Ramble ramble ramble to give a little
background and to thank you again for having formed this space.

‘need’

There's something about that word that properly winds me up, in this context.

Calling it a 'need' makes it sound like it's an essential for survival, cf Maslowe's hierarchy. It's not a need; that's guilt-trip language. It's a want, that may become a compulsion if they keep indulging it. Which no one is forcing them to do, except themselves!

@TyroSaysMeow

Maslow's hierachy is amazing. People need to pay attention to it

Rett, of course you're still affected but think how far you have come? If you were in the same situation again you would make different choices because you have learned from your experiences. That really all we can ask of ourselves.

You're not alone in having had a fairly disastrous subsequent relationship if that makes you feel any better. When we're used to putting up with misery, it takes a long time to get out of thinking that it's normal.

Hi Percy. I'm glad you have found us. Well done for taking control. It feels liberating doesn't it? (If slightly scary). Imagine your life without all of his drama. You've got all that to look forward to

Hi Maureen. It sounds like you need to get some legal advice. Don't worry about his parents, they aren't your problem. You're not doing this to them, he is.

You say you might be willing to give the relationship another go, I would suggest that you have a think about whether this is how you want to spend the rest of your life? Even if he does stop (unlikely), you'll be spending all your time worrying that he's lying to you.

I've been there and it's no way to live

@TinselAngel yes I should do work on the legal side of things and get some advice. My last divorce was financially terrible but straightforward with no children involved. I personally need to work on communication skills and advocating for myself anyways so have been doing more of that. Did bring up today to him about getting him his own bank account “just in case” and from an adult empowerment angle. Getting him set up to be independent I feel will help me in the long run as it will be hard enough to be tied forever by having our child. Didn’t mention AGP specifically but did they delve a little bit to see if he’s actually considered things or went directly to his current conclusion. Not feeling a lot of point in that as of course someone can say whatever they want. I did kind of want to temperature check though If he’s gone off the deep end of TRA or something. That is not his personality but for my safety wanted to check if that makes sense. Planning on more reading through the previous threads and get a handle on my escape plan. At this point I see a low chance of it stopping and a high chance I cannot live with it as a spouse. Not at 100% yet but close. Not my problem but I still don’t think he gets that no amount of HRT is going to make him half his age.

He asked if I had told anyone yet like friends. Um no! He has also said that it may wind up being good “social currency”. Ugh. No thank you I don’t want to be the token “edgy” person and am concerned that when all this quarantine is over my kid’s closest friends’ parents may not be comfortable hanging out anymore. Ya know like thinking of someone besides myself.

@MaureenJSL -

"He asked if I had told anyone yet like friends. Um no! He has also said that it may wind up being good “social currency”."

wow! social currency?

With regards to telling people, I told my ex he must come out and tell everyone what was going on. Unfortunately, it made me look like the bad guy, because it gave the appearance that we had broken up as a result of him "coming out". We broke up weeks before he told anyone, but the mistake I made, was not telling anyone straight away that we'd broken up.

I only told my parents because mum got sick and was in ICU for a few days with blood poisoning and I needed to tell someone what had been going on in my life. So, a couple of things - it's OK to break it off because he wants to be full time female. You didn't sign up for that. It's OK to be angry about it. Don't fall for the emotional manipulation. If you do want to do something, go to counseling, either for you both, or for you.

Sending hugs

Welcome Percy... never quite right or enough struck a chord with me. I wonder now whether my ex has found fulfillment and happiness through wearing miniskirts and heels. His restless dissatisfaction with life pervaded our marriage, and I gave many years trying to make him happy, including some major family decisions and moves.
I'm glad you can see that he is now angry about himself, but taking it out on you. I lost respect for the adult parent I was married to, as the self-absorption, petulance and entitlement grew, and it is very hard to come back from that.
Sounds like you are moving towards a decision to split and I hope you have support with that. We're all here whatever you decide to do, and a lot of people caution getting legal protection for your future. Keep us posted. I hope you have some real-life friends and family too who can be alongside you.
And welcome Maureen (sorry, I'm making this sound like a strange coffee morning...). I think my ex believed my teens and I would actually thrive on the 'woke' trend, and his impeccable timing, doing his announcement just as trans exploded in the UK in 2015. He said he thought we would all be fine with it, because we were left-wing and liberal/tolerant people.
It is of course your marriage, your life, your hopes for the future, and your child. Not a badge or medal of tolerance.
Sounds like whatever you eventually decide to do, gently moving him towards some financial independence, getting some legal and financial advice for yourself, and bringing in some loved ones/friends to support you, is a good move even if you change your mind and stay with him. You'll probably need all those things if you decide to stay.
I'm not sure reading your post whether his parents know? Or whether you've told any of your friends or family?
Good luck, we're here. There's loads of information and advice, and our stories which were, for me, the most powerful part of these threads, as the behaviours of partners were so horribly familiar over and over again.

I just saw this on twitter and it gave me a flashback to something I hadn't thought about for years: sitting in the dining room in my marital home, being really upset about something (can't remember exactly what), and my ex shrugging and saying "We always have this sort of scene whenever I make any progress."

https://twitter.com/beth_sails/status/1264443600139702273?s=21

What a horrible time in my life that was. Awful that's there's women still going through it

@TinselAngel wow yes that thread hits home very much. Everything in the world must relate to his problems. I have this virus, a small kid, my hobbies, stressful work, finances to worry about, a house to manage, etc. Even if I could dump all my adult responsibilities to focus on you I wouldn’t. Already getting pressure to decide future things and that whole “nothing would really change” line. Maddening.

@socialworker222 thank you for the warm welcome. (I’m American so being able to pretend even for a moment of being a coffee morning of any type feels wonderful ). His parents don’t know yet. He has one friend he has been talking to but she lives in another state so not like it impacts her life at all. Just reading through has helped so much seeing how not alone we are no matter where we are in the journey.

@PercyPotato Bravo on standing up to the narc behavior!!!

Hello, thanks so much for having me in the group .. I can't wait to get to know you all. I just wanted to post an intro post. i'm a 30 year old woman. My spouse and i just hit our 5th wedding anniversary a few days ago. It's been a rough 5 years. Our first year of marriage, my spouse came out as bisexual within months . This was a bit troubling, bc I thought maybe the "gay" revelation was next, and this was perhaps a way to ease in . We were both from very religious backgrounds, and virgins at marriage so we are eachother's only person and I wonder if that's part of why all this came out after being married (and honestly our sex life was always... seriously lacking I could never pleasure him :( now I see maybe I don't suck... he'd allude to having some mysterious major issues in this area but I didn't know what he meant and I think he didn't either at that time). maybe something felt wrong to my spouse about being with a woman and triggered them to come out ? i'm not sure. both related to and not related to these issues we have grown apart in our marriage but have tried to keep it together. We tried over a year to have a baby, my spouse didn't seem fully ready and wanted to wait, but motherhood is my biggest calling in life, so he agreed to try. I already knew I might have fertility issues on my end. His numbers weren't awesome either, but we got pregnant naturally eventually.

My marriage was not great before but not horrible it always felt like there was something off, but the pregnancy was when things really fell apart, sadly. I got what i always dreamed of (motherhood that is my life calling... but lost my husband)... What I now know is this pregnancy and parenthood thing was the trigger for my spouse to finally fully realize he is transgender and feels like a woman and mother not a father (he had thoughts before according to him but then they got really strong at that time where he felt like he had to live as a woman). He wanted to be pregnant and give birth.I accidentally discovered a post on a trans group of his that basically stated his major motherhood dysphoria. I struggled worse than ever with anxiety and depression when pregnant and he struggled too, though I didn't know. I now see what he was going through. He was basically checked out during this time and i felt it was because i was the worst wife and pregnant woman. We had our daughter in march of 2018. My spouse seemed really depressed and surprisingly not very engaged w the baby at times, esp because he loves kids, and that's one thing I always loved about him. our third anniversary was may 2018 and he told me that day he was unhappy in the marriage. he almost left me a year ago one night and I know he was thinking of ending the marriage, and I didn't know why? I thought I sucked as a wife. He decided to stay. i thought yay i have one more chance! We continued to be disconnected but we tried to make things work, but they just never seemed to work. the whole marriage it just never seemed to work for some reason.

My spouse did allude to wanting to be a woman/mother several times in the last year, but I thought it was a total joke as he has a sense of humor. He would say he'd be a great woman, or wished he could breastfeed that sorta thing... but it had to be a joke I thought nothing of it. That longing to have another baby kicked in for me more and more as the months went on (i adore motherhood i always wanted to have several babies and close in age) , and I started really pushing to have another baby as I wanted it with all my heart. He kept saying he didn't know if he wanted more babies and it broke my heart. My longing to be a mother again was so strong. One night in July (july 29), he flat out told me that it's not a good time for a baby because he feels like a woman inside and will be medically transitioning. My world collapsed that night. Actually I thought it was a joke at first. But in the coming days it collapsed. Things moved fast from there. My spouse now is DeeDee to our daughter bc I want to be mom (he wants to be "mom" tho too but i'm not ready for that; maybe i will never be ready for that we will see). My spouse quickly started wearing makeup and womens clothing. He goes by a new name and has transtioned to being a woman at work. new name... All of that happened very quickly and it was hard to process. He moved out 3 months post coming out bc i'd cry every night for him to not do this, to stay a man, and a husband, and a dad. :( We were amicable but separated for months and did things a few times a week together w our toddler and he watched her all day once a week. He is a decent person and seems to love us but not enough to put us above this transition :( really makes me feel low

so he started hormones in February. He still looks like a man but is growing boobs. Since the pandemic hit we have been not seeing eachother much bc we are in an area of the USA where there are tons of cases and he works at a facility with a very large amount of cases. Soon we will start doing in person visits again.

I am grappling with whether or not to divorce him or keep hoping he changes his mind. I am very religious and don't believe in divorce and believe a marriage is forever. I have asked him though and he said he will not go back to being a man. i'd love to move on and hopefully find love again, maybe have more kids with someone who'd actually like to be a dad. I have so much guilt like maybe i caused this somehow. it's so sad and confusing... but here we are... I can't wait to get to know you all

sorry does anyone know if the OP can edit their post? I had a few details i wanted to edit... thanks :) like he tried to leave me a year and a half ago not a year ago

Hi Lizzie. I think you have to Report your post to MN and explain why you need it changed or deleted but you can't edit it yourself. I'll write some more later. So sorry to hear about your situation. It's heartbreaking to read.

Hello everyone

I've been pointed in the direction of this thread and would like to ask some questions if I may?

My ex husband of 22 years hid his x-dressing until the very end of our relationship. Very little explanation, and just upped and left. Immediately got himself into a relationship with a very young Asian woman (whose dream was to live in the UK) and has had 2 more kids in the space of 3 years (our kids are grown up and ex absolutely hated the baby stage and would never let me have another baby). He is 54!

In the brief discussion we had, he told me that he'd been dressing up since the age of 7 (in his mum's underwear) and then continued to use his sisters clothes and then onto mine (I had no idea). When he reached 50, he went hell for leather with the dressing (wigs, bras, sanitary products, corsets, make up etc, etc) but still said "it's just a hobby, a bit like golf"!!!!

He is now stuck with this particular woman who was a prostitute and also seemingly obsessed by her looks and dresses very tartily (he looks like one of those sad old Western sex tourists). He's put on weight, gone grey over night and is now an alcoholic.

My question is....... what the hell is going on in his head? We had a lovely married (crap sex life) but were "seemingly" really happy.

@lizziebun I will reply to you tomorrow x

I am grappling with whether or not to divorce him or keep hoping he changes his mind. I am very religious and don't believe in divorce and believe a marriage is forever.

The series of deceptions your husband perpetrated on you is a very common pattern. I suggest that you may want to get religious counseling on divorce since it is a matter of fraud.
I am so sorry he did this to you. You are not responsible for being deceived. He is responsible for deceiving you.
These are my words to live by, and I offer them to you in hopes they will help you avoid the obstacles on the path ahead of you.
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I hate this so much. I wish I could flip a switch and be ok with it. If it weren’t my husband and father of my kid it would have no impact on my life and wouldn’t much matter. I hate that I didn’t end it at the first thing, not seeing them that it would escalate. Venting a bit here as some moments I want to try just some sort of parenting marriage to provide stability and others I just hope he will find someone in his forum/chat and leave. He has been chatting with a counselor and contacted some place that I guess is a gender transition place. Appointment soon to see about HRT. At this point he says he doesn’t have plans of more than electrolysis and HRT. Doesn’t seem like any work to go into depression or any other issue that could be at the root. He’s told a couple more friends. I haven’t said a word to anyone. Trying to concentrate on work and focus on the kid. Just seeing photos/shows/etc of families hurts right now.