My Dad is a transsexual, she started transitioning when I was 5 - AMA

[WheelyMom]

There’s a lot of threads on the topic so I thought I’d start this thread xxx

Where you ever teased by your peers because of it? I ask because someone in my family came out last year as male to female transgender. They have two, small pre school children. I do worry the children may be teased for it.

Hi @Friedbluetomatoes, I was told to lie about it for fear of bullying. I was 11 when she had surgery (37 now). Some friends found out when I was 16 and bullied me for a brief while. I assume they were mad at me for lying in the first place - I had told them she was my Auntie and there was a weird rumour that I was adopted for a while. There was definitely less tolerance back when I was at school. I think that very young children will accept what they are told, I was told to be embarrassed, ashamed, lie etc. Caitlin Jenner has done wonders for the trans community, in my opinion. There seems to be mainstream acceptance now. I hope the kids are OK, I understand the concerns. I haven’t told my daughter yet, she’s 8 but I have involved her in trans conversation and normalised it. It won’t be long before she will be old enough to understand I think.

Has your Daughter never met her?

My daughter has met her many times and she is known as Aunty X.

Why Aunty X and not Granny X. Will you tell your children that she is your father?

What do you think of the JK Rowling essay?

What does your dad think? I'm struggling to word that question well, do I mean what does your mum think?... How do you refer to her relationship to you now?

Hi OP.

Did your parents stay together?

Do you call call her?

My DP is transgender and 'came out' this time last year, dd is 10 and her school and friends have been amazing.

I went through ‘puberty‘ alongside my Dad and she was explicit in every detail of her transition, surgery, sexual relationships etc It was a very, very difficult childhood. For the minute, I am trying to protect my daughter from things that I struggled with. She has already started questioning family relationships so it won’t be long before she asks the right questions, in which case I will explain in an age appropriate way, based on my lived experiences.

That must have been so tough for you. Do you remember much about life before she transitioned? What do you call her now?

@ArchbishopOfBanterbury I agreed with most of the JK essay, though some of the language was inflammatory ‘grow a pair’. I actually think it could have been worded better as pro-women, not anti trans. I refer to my Dad by the name she chose for herself and use female pronouns.

@Justabadwife My parents divorced when I was 4 and hate each other in a toxic way. My mum remarried and my step-Dad was my father figure. That must be quite an adjustment for you with your DP. Is is a loving relationship?

Your father told you about their sexual relationships when you were a child? God, I didn’t want to know that my parents got up to any such thing - is that why your childhood was so difficult or were there problems with direct discrimination at work or housing for the family too?

@Moltenpink Yes, I have some really lovely memories of her living as a man. I was a Daddy’s girl, going to him for cuddles. Her transition was not straightforward. She lived as a woman when I was aged 5-7 (I called her by her female name) then she stopped her transition and lived as a man/my Dad, until I was 11 which is when she went through with the full transition. I remember feeling heartbroken, I lost my Dad.

@WheelyMom honestly we are happier now than we were for the previous 12 years. It was a strange time, shopping for the first time and using a new name, but it all feels completely normal now.

Where does your daughter think your father is? Has she questioned anything?

@DodoPatrol From about 14 onwards she often referred to me as her best friend and I think she offloaded to me in the way we do to our best friends. Some of the content was not suitable for children, in my opinion.

oh @WheelyMom that must have been confusing as a child having a dad, then them wanting to transition, then not, then doing it again. It would have probably been so much less confusing had they just done it the first time.

@AskingforaBaskin For many years she accepted my step-Dad as my father until my Mum accidentally explained what a step-Dad is! She asked me about my biological father and I told her that it’s something I will talk to her about when she is old enough. She’s been fine with that so far.

she was explicit in every detail of her transition, surgery, sexual relationships

To call that "difficult" is a very thoughtful careful understatement. My parents' marriage teetered when I was 16, and my mother started telling me stuff about their sex life. It was inappropriate for a child of 16, never mind one 5 years younger than that.

Do you think your dad is a woman?

@Justabadwife I’m really glad that you are in a happy, loving relationship. My parents didn’t like each other regardless of trans and it was very toxic. I wish she had continued her transition in one go from when I was 5. I accepted it readily at that age and did talk about it in school so I would have gotten more support I think. At 11, the second time around, I had been in high school about a month and knew no-one.

I’m genuinely sorry that your ‘Dad’ (what is your preferred way for people to reference her here?) had to hide herself like that and live as someone that caused them great pain as you obviously suffered too as a result.
Not that I’m assuming that gender dysphoria is contagious ofc but have you ever wondered/questioned your gender identity or have you always been comfortable with your sex?

How do you deal with your anger at your father's grotesque selfishness? Do you just suppress it?

I dont need to ask you anything. But are you OK and getting the right real life support that you might need? Particularly as it sounds as if you cant talk to your mum about it.

Do you feel overshadowed at all? At 5 you were at an age where you probably thought of yourself as the centre of the universe. To then have the spotlight thrown so emphatically at your dad's inner world must have been a sudden shift in perspective for you.

Also, why do you say transsexual rather than transgender? What do you feel the difference is?