Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

@TheProdigalKittensReturn

I'm not a transwidow so I generally try to step back and let this thread serve its intended purpose of transwidows supporting each other. That being said, I think it's fairly obvious that not having to look at things from the perspective of men with AGP like Grayson Perry is a big part of the reason for these threads to exist.

I'm glad to see new transwidows finding this thread and hope they can find the support they need here, but endlessly appalled by how similar their experiences always are and how little space those experiences are given in the public discourse. This is a women's rights issue.

Sorry, i know the thread is moving on but as a lurker I've always seen these threads as supportive and a safe place for transwidows to say things they cant say in real life

Tinsel especially is a voice of reason and respect on here and is incredibly welcoming 💐

I’ll go back to lurking

Arranging anything is like wading through treacle at the moment- add to that kids being at home, husband being at home, probably less money coming in, difficulty viewing houses, can't go to the bank etc, etc, etc.

That makes perfect sense, Tinsel.

Everything is harder - not just the psychological problems for the trans widow herself, but all sorts of practical issues. Sorting a new house during social distancing. Keeping things stable for the children when they're fragile because they're separated from their friends, and also need a stable environment for home schooling (all sorts of practical matters like the internet, etc). Keeping shopping deliveries going if you move house. What happens if there's only one family car which you were relying on for the weekly supermarket shop.

Lockdown makes everything about leaving harder - each individual thing noticeably so, cumulatively, the impact is immense.

Tinsel especially is a voice of reason and respect on here and is incredibly welcoming

She really is. Once all this is done and dusted and any legal changes that are going to happen have happened she'll be one of the people who made a real difference.

Definitely, kittens.

New trans widow posters from the last few days, please don't be put off by the deleted posts, this is a friendly and supportive space

The thread is supported by many women who, whilst they are not 'transwidows', have also had cause to recognise and understand abuse dynamics/coercive control etc. It is supported by all of those who have read with empathy & respect for such an important conscious raising space.
Solidarity &

(Will now return to my previous "this is not my space so I'm being quiet but am available for providing tea, biscuits, and emotional support as needed" role.)

Leaving is already hard, leaving in the middle of a pandemic is exponentially harder.

thread with resources:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3452784-Coercive-Control-a-need-for-better-awareness

This is an invaluable thread. And not just because of how informative it is.

The experience of the women is quite evidently searingly genuine. But what's equally obvious is that the decision to post, for many women, takes time and courage.

It's not a thread where the premise is debated or mulled over, as in other threads. These women are on the coalface. And it's their unique experience from which we all learn.

It's also one of those threads which engenders empathy and solidarity across-the-board.

Tinsel is a phenomenal woman, who is greatly admired here, and I know she goes to significant lengths to make sure people are comfortable posting.

So any lurking transwidows, don't be put off by thinking your experiences will be met with anything other than support and understanding.

Thanks all. And thanks to Mumsnet for their ongoing support of trans widows, which I'm sure they take some flak for, behind the scenes.

@Pinkbanana2020
I usually just lurk but my ex said the same thing about it being a hobby. I have never heard anyone else say that. He went from being "just a cross dresser" to now legally changing his name and taking estrogen and T blockers and presenting as a woman full time.

I knew some thing was off in our marriage. Our sex life was quite strange. He shows all the traits of an AGP, but I think usually they are attracted to women. I'm quite convinced now that he is only attracted to men or only attracted to himself. He has so much in common with gay men in the closet.

I used to ask him repeatedly if he was gay or trans and he constantly denied it. He is now engaged to a woman who I believe was born female.

His obsession with it kept growing over time and he started pushing barriers that we had agreed on.
Its been 4 years but I still have memories pop up and realize he was lying about yet another thing. His gas lighting was multilayered.

@socialworker222 My ex never once showed any signs of having gender dysphoria, but he was a complete narcissistic pathological liar so maybe he hid it well.
He got very turned on by wearing female items. He would insist that his cross dressing started out as sexual but turned into some thing else.

Molly their orientation is a weird one to pick apart, I think, because the issue is clouded by the sexual focus on a narrow pornified stereotype.

Mine's never been attracted to men, but admits he'd be open to certain forms of sexual activity with them as part of the fetish - I view that as him being perfectly happy to use other men as a sexual prop.

And then with the getting a new wife bit you mention - could be he fancies her, or equally it could be that he wants someone to fulfil the 'wifely' role of cheerleader and washer-of-socks because he's far too busy with his "hobby" to be bothering with the shitwork.

It's pornsickness and internalised misogyny, really. He's still the same orientation underneath as he ever was.

@tyro

He told me once while we were having sex that he wanted a man to give him anal. And then insisted that he isn't bi and he didn't mean it. I have heard it said that they do use men as props. What could be more validating of the "femininity" than a man topping them.

I hope he is a better person to the new than he was to me. I have reason to believe he knew he was trans in the late 90's but chose to stay in the closet and use me as beard #2. Now that she is with him and she apparently accepts him, maybe he won't have reasons to lie and gaslight, although I suspect he has been lying for so long he is addicted to it.

He is 45 and has a kid in his 20's and a teenager and she has a teen and two toddlers. I can't imagine the chaos that is going to be going on in that house. He always told me he didn't like other people's little kids, so I'm not sure how that is going to work. I cannot imagine living in a mixed family with that many people and such a huge age range at this point in my life.

I pray for those kids.

I think some men who are like this are probably gay but it's hidden under layers and layers of denial.

And possibly internalised homophobia.

@TinselAngel I believe so. He was raised in the Catholic church and in a very conservative rural area. I have no doubt that he was obviously not gender conforming as a child and was pestered by people to "act like a boy". I think he took all that feminine behavior and was able to let it out through cross dressing and it is easier for him to say he is trans than to say he is gay.
He loved getting compliments from gay men, which is a red flag. One night he sat in a gay bar cross dressed and let gay guys buy him drinks all night. Then he told me about it like he was so proud of himself. My heart just sank.
Now he probably calls himself a lesbian but I don't know.
I really wish he hadn't stolen 6 years of my life. I'm fairly convinced that his 1st ex must have found gay or trans porn. He made it seem like she just went crazy one day out of the blue.
He didn't have the courage to either stay single or come out so he used me.
He told me that he picked his drag name in the late 90's and that is when his first child was born. It's so common for them to decide they are trans during the first pregnancy.

Yeah, that does sound like he's a very closeted gay man. Your typical AGP using other men as a prop would revel in attention from straight men because it fits with their idea of themselves as women. Attention from gay men really doesn't have the same ramifications. They obviously read him as HSTS.

He also engaged in behavior after his wife wanted a divorce but they still lived together like subscribing to the paper version of Playboy. Who does that? He also started getting the Bictoria's Secret catalog and went to a strip club and got a lap dance (supposedly) from a woman. All to prove how straight he was. I guess I was part of the campaign to prove how hetero he is.

I guess his new fiancee doesn't care much about having a decent sex life because usually they ruin their libidos and destroy their genitals. So maybe if all she wants is companionship, she won't care that he is actually a gay man pretending to be a woman.

I think he started taking testosterone blockers after we moved in together because his libido totally tanked and then he acted so bizarrely about getting his T tested and even more so when I went with him to get the results and they said his was extremely low and gave him a prescription. Or maybe that "new beard high" had worn off.

I made a lost of all the signs he might be gay and they were 52 of them. What was I thinking? I just couldn't believe he would lie to me, he seemed so nice. I was blind.

@MOLLYJO987 the lost of years are getting to me too. Like are all my happy memories for me and DC lies now or what?

I’m being made (attempted to be made) to feel (not from here) that having a hard time losing a husband is petty. If I wanted a wife I would have looked for one. I wouldn’t have put looking for men on the dating site all those years ago. Nothing changes for him. All gain and no loss on his end. Why do I have to feel so guilty that the difference between wife and husband matters to me? (Venting)

You don't have to feel guilty for being heterosexual, the people who say you do are flying monkeys.

All these feelings are entirely valid and normal. My ex was raised Catholic, with a macho father for whom his son being gay would have been the worst... I've always wondered whether by 'transitioning' he managing to utterly trump that (take that, Dad!), or whether it's still better than being gay in that family. I suspect the latter, as they now treat him as a rather special, fragile, mentally ill person, and look after him much as they did one of his siblings who has never fully functioned as an adult.
And sexually, yes, the grim repetitive misogynistic playing-girl crap runs through these threads all the time. It resonates with me, and is the sort of thing I'm now able to be really glad to be free from.
The lost years is very hard; I have found it so much easier because I had (extremely lovely) children with my ex. Some women on here have wanted children/more children and I can imagine the pain of that wasted time living with a liar.
Over time, having survived this and to be inching out into freedom and sanity (I think), gives me great comfort; the strength of women on here is something to behold and celebrate even though we didn't ask to have to step up in this way.
To those waiting and feeling paralyzed, I imagine the wasted years can be a driver to researching options, making plans and taking action, although it is very tough going.

@MaureenJSL

Who is saying that it is petty? One thing I have learned is that people who haven't been through this just have no idea at all about what we go through. Even the most well intentioned, supportive people just can't get it fully.
I have found that straight people who were married to gay and lesbian people are more able to understand but there is still a whole other level to this. It is assumed that we have a choice in this, that we can first of all change our sexuality to be attracted to men pretending to be women, and that we can just forgive them for lying to us about their intentions. Also their libidos are greatly reduced so are we supposed to just not have a sex life for the rest of our lives?
You have every right to be angry, feel betrayed, and to not be attracted to trans identifying men.
If some one finds out their supposedly straight spouse is gay, we don't tell people to stay together and just forgive and tell the gay person to sleep with the straight person and like it.

@socialworker222

I didn't have kids with mine, he was my 2nd husband. I'm now apparently unable to date. I haven't been in anything close to a relationship since the divorce. I don't know how I could trust anyone again. There were so many lies, it has taken me three years to unravel them all. I wonder if I would have found some one better than him if I hadn't met him. I feel broken when I try to date.