Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
   
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
   
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason
   

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

[Iworkmiricles]

You don't have to divorce, you can seperate if that feels more comfortable for you, you can stay friends, but live seperate lives in separate homes etc.

[Thelnebriati]

You say he is neglecting you and your children, he isn't meeting your needs - but you are meeting his. Your husband is using his children in acting out his fetish. They are part of his script.

That means you need to have a plan in place to leave safely. I don't recommend you talk to him about leaving ''for the benefit of the children''. Don't bring them into it at all. This is a relationship breakdown and that's something that happens between two adults.

[TinselAngel]

My husband hasn’t reached levels of wanting to use clearly female only abilities in fantasies such as pregnancy and breastfeeding, the roles he has created for himself are centred around being a secretary or a maid being forced into work and lord knows what else.

Well there's no doubt this is a sexually motivated fetish rather than gender dysphoria.

[socialworker222]

Unfortunately the fetish side of this is overwritten by the mainstream trans stories; you'll find many women on these threads whose partners have found it arousing and sensual to dress in women's clothes, particularly underwear, which doesn't really suggest authentic dysphoria. My ex-husband was very focussed on the physical side of this; on the rare very unpleasant times I pass him in the street I wonder how it can be worth it, to lose your family, in order to wear silk lingerie. Very bizarre, and very male in its sexual preoccupation.

[MaureenJSL]

Still going through the old threads here. Seeing so many parallels. Reading the articles linked over those threads as well. It’s maddening how likely he needs real mental help and that isn’t going to happen. He spent the weekend on his same hobbies with the same mannerisms just in a dress and painting nails. I am spending too much thought on how on earth is that not just “a bit feminine“ but has mean a different sex and different name and a family in turmoil. He made some joke I didn’t get and I got endless flack for my facial expression. Just all kinds of bs of how I need to just speak my mind but oh no the second I do that I did it wrong. Not a normal oh you said X and that made me feel Y. But you should have said xyz in this way. Like I didn’t read my stage directions correctly. WTF. Felt really down yesterday just the weight of being stuck for now in a second failed marriage and the weight of all the big things going on right now.

[socialworker222]

I'm not surprised you feel weighed-down Maureen; the treading on eggshells is very wearing. And unfortunately the rapid demoting of your needs, and the validity and importance of your sensitivities and feelings, against his. I'm afraid it will be very familiar to many of us.
You are particularly unlucky to face this in a second marriage; it of course says nothing about you and everything about the man you married. You can of course speak your mind, but it becomes very difficult to be heard, or regarded equally, as this progresses.
You need to hang on to the core 'you', the person I've no doubt many others like, love and respect, and all the good bits of your past and present that will go forward intact whatever happens with this one person. I like you did a lot of reading and thinking, and just make sure you take basic care of yourself.
And yes, it's all so extreme. I hope you can get some time, and ideally company with anyone else, away from 'it'. It must be so hard at the moment for any of you stuck with this at home, if as in the UK where I am, we remain restricted in our usual escape routes. We've got your back.

[chilling19]

@TinselAngel 👆

[TinselAngel]

I believe the deleted post was querying whether it should be "transwidow" or "trans widow". As I believe our oppression is sex based, not grammar based, I don't give a fuck.

[Justhadathought]

I'm In the process of re-reading Grayson's Perry's The Portrait of the Artist as a Young Girl ( very engaging and entertaining. I do like him) - but it makes very plain and clear that this is an intense and all consuming sexual fetish.

Well worth a read for a very frank and honest assessment of the 'condition'.

[TyroSaysMeow]

Well I'm of the opinion that the wilful misapplication of grammar is one of the many mechanisms by which our sex-based oppression is enacted, and I'm familiar with the deleted poster from other threads.

Clearly it's transwidow, no space.

This is a compound noun used to refer to the subset of women who share the experience of losing a male partner to the trans juggernaut.

You put the space in, trans becomes a modifier; but the women here are not widows-who-are-trans.

In other words, no, we're not going to agree that the spouses whose behaviour has brought us together are woman-who-are-trans. They're men-who-are-trans, and we will not be forced to lie about it.

[TinselAngel]

I believe discussions such as this are started as a distraction technique.

[Justhadathought]

Discussions such as which?

[TinselAngel]

Maureen, I think one of the most annoying things is that appearing to go along with anything is never enough, evidence always seems to be required that the ideology is also believed.

It's an awful time to be going through what you are going through, but this lockdown etc will pass

[TinselAngel]

Discussions such as which?

The ones about use of the term "trans widow" or the one word or two words question. They're invariably raised by disruptive ploppers.

Apologies, I've fallen into the trap, I shouldn't have referred to the deleted post.

Let's move on

[TyroSaysMeow]

Grammar discussions, Just. It can be taken up on a new thread if you want to talk about it further; this one isn't really the place for it.

[TinselAngel]

New trans widow posters from the last few days, please don't be put off by the deleted posts, this is a friendly and supportive space

[Justhadathought]

New trans widow posters from the last few days, please don't be put off by the deleted posts, this is a friendly and supportive space

Yes, but also a public place. You seem to have it in your head that I'm a troll because I see some things differently from yourself ( on a couple of other threads), and as a result many of your posts have been, themselves, really very unfriendly indeed. Insinuations, outright hostility.Not sure why my post was deleted?

Anyway, I have never posted on here before...even if i find it interesting to read. And I'll not again.

[TheProdigalKittensReturn]

I'm not a transwidow so I generally try to step back and let this thread serve its intended purpose of transwidows supporting each other. That being said, I think it's fairly obvious that not having to look at things from the perspective of men with AGP like Grayson Perry is a big part of the reason for these threads to exist.

I'm glad to see new transwidows finding this thread and hope they can find the support they need here, but endlessly appalled by how similar their experiences always are and how little space those experiences are given in the public discourse. This is a women's rights issue.

[TyroSaysMeow]

I think a lot of people find this an interesting thread to read.

It's a support thread though - which means it's not the place for people who aren't personally affected to be playing devil's advocate.

Anyway, moving on.

So far as I know, lockdown rules in the UK do permit us to get the hell out of there if we're in an abusive situation. Although making a permanent escape is obviously going to be a lot harder at the moment.

[TheProdigalKittensReturn]

Re Tyro's getting out comment, Priti Patel did indeed confirm that lockdown doesn't mean that people aren't allowed to flee abusive situations.

[TinselAngel]

I think whilst lockdown doesn't technically prevent women fleeing abusive situations, it's one more obstacle for women in the way of leaving a situation that is already difficult to leave (if that makes sense).

[TheProdigalKittensReturn]

It definitely makes sense. Leaving is already hard, leaving in the middle of a pandemic is exponentially harder.