Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

It’s terrible but I’m still waiting for the self obsession to carry him off off and away. Very much just to take the responsibility off me. I recognize the cowardice of that but feel it none the less.

Too many “should have”s in mind today. Like at one of the anger blow up as DC claiming to just take off that I should have encouraged it and not had to face this.

Would be so much easier to just be fine with all this but I can’t. That lack of sex already keeps being brought up as a reason for how it shouldn’t be a big deal! Attraction is more than that. I realize he was never macho or that stereotype but still.

And I keep thinking of DC and if they really will be ok. They are young and the dressing is age appropriate so still confusing I imagine but this is all without the play acting femininity. He’s been the same but dressed. That I could handle but I know the goal is more play acting and a new name. I can’t bring myself to use the name. Would be simple if it was a friend or other family member. Whatever name you want sure thing. This is so different though and I hate that it has to make me the “bad guy”.

@MOLLYJO987 I was writing my other reply and hadn’t seen your recent. My reasons for having a hard time with it being “less than” comes from him. Like being upset that my vision of growing old with a “husband” is just selfish and being intolerant. Not those words said but feels that way. I’m sure he is only hearing about the wives that were fine just flipping to having a wife now.

I have to figure out how to detach from this and keep my finances and my sanity and my DC safe and happy. It may mean staying in this situation a while, I just don’t know. DC is my primary concern.

I can’t bring myself to use the name. Would be simple if it was a friend or other family member. Whatever name you want sure thing. This is so different though and I hate that it has to make me the “bad guy”.

It doesn't make you the bad guy. Women should be able to use the language that represents their own reality. Why should you be forced into promoting something that you do not believe? Particularly to yourself and your children.

@MaureenJSL

I don't know if it is seeing other wives be ok with it or if they are so narcissistic and delusional that they truly expect us to have no problem with it. I hate that the media only does stories on happy couples and leaves us out. I don't believe most of them are really happy anyway. I think they have Stockholm syndrome and/or have been financially abused and can't afford to live alone.

I don't know where you live, but some religions and some states consider this marriage fraud and will give you an annulment. The fact that these guys don't understand that they falsely entered into a legal marriage contract is beyond me. If nothing else, that is enough reason to divorce. Just because they didn't have the balls to transition when it wasn't fashionable doesn't make it ok.

They have been leading a double life and conning us. It's no different from being a bigamist.

From what I have seen, women do better when they live apart from these guys. Having to watch them transition is traumatic and quite often they make agreements that they won't take this or that action but then they do what they want when they want.

I have a friend whose husband calls her a TERF because she won't go along with it.

@MaureenJSL it's ok if you don't want to use that name. You married a man. He is a man and nothing can change that.

The women who stay are rather remote from those who don't and I haven't seen much cross-over or sharing of experience. The media certainly has an enormous bias towards their experience despite (I think) around 50% of relationships breaking down.
I guess politically people want to be seen as cheerleading this stuff, celebrating, being rainbow. Exposing the other side and the reality/impact/damage isn't very popular.
Woman & Home published a piece by a transwidow and a responder the following month told them off for 'doing trans people no favours'.
Silencing us is greatly preferable to all involved.
(However it hasn't entirely worked thanks to the Tinsels of this world!)
As for names, I can't use my husband's new and faintly ludicrous choice. It isn't a spiteful or political decision, I just can't do it.
Nor can I call him 'her'; he is him, I married him, I don't know or like/respect/believe in the new person, so I have no problem using the language that reflects my experience and life history.
Nobody gets to tell me I married a 'wife', as someone online once tried. Quite absurd. And of course ironically very much oppressing my right to define who I am!

It is silly that the vast majority of them pick very feminine girly names and some times names that weren't even a thing when they were born. Some times its like they are picking stripper names.
Does he get upset with you about it?

I have very little contact but I try to word communications in a way that avoids me having to say 'Dear...'
I have no doubt he shakes his head with his 'allies' and bemoans my lack of acceptance, and narrow-mindedness.
The picture opposite just about sums up where I'm at!

I realized why they refer to themselves in the third person: because there is no gender in "I". They sound demented some times. It's an excuse to say "she/her" and to use their new name.

@socialworker222 I so want to be the person in that image you posted. Going to work on it.

I avoid any phrasing in his earshot that requires pronouns. DC is small and still says Daddy so I say it as well. I told him never to take the name Mom from me. DC also uses ‘he’ pronouns. He’s stated annoyance about people on the phone or workers at the house using sir but had not come out and requested a use a specific name. I know the name I just don’t say it. I don’t know that person and even if they are quite nice I didn’t marry them.

I wish so badly to be able to wish it away or wish my problems with it away. I have no idea how it is to do shared custody and worry greatly about not having my DC (singular so not sure if I’m using that right instead of just DD/DS) full time.

I love seeing trans widows having such productive conversations, it makes it all worthwhile

@MaureenJSL

Have you talked about mother's day?

@TinselAngel agreed. I honestly have no idea what I would do if I hadn’t found this.

@MOLLYJO987 we have not. A few weeks back he was talking about an idea for a Father’s Day present so I have no idea what he’s expecting. So many find they want to take over Mother’s Day?

I know it doesn’t matter and it isn’t likely the cause but I think to about if others will think it is my fault for being the sole bread winner. It seemed better financially at the time as opposed to day care. Like I gave that freedom of time and of not freaking at the early stuff (having zero idea where it was leading) and it just bit me.

During one talk it seemed like he couldn’t believe I’d rather be alone than stay in the situation. At my age and ability to trust (Trust my ability to select a partner, trust someone near my child, trust someone to not lie about their intentions, etc) I have no idea what my chances would be to find someone again. Is this just all “sunk cost fallacy” where I’m tempted to just give up and fake not being miserable?

Those who have a while to go until you can escape, or have escaped but had a long period of wait: Did you have ways to keep you sane? To keep the peace?

It's not your fault Maureen, it will all have been going on since before he met you, and if it hadn't have come to a head now it would have done at another time.

You might not meet anybody else, but that is OK. Another failed relationship down the line, I can vouch for the glorious hassle free freedom of being single.

On the other hand you might meet somebody else and live happily ever after.

It doesn't really matter- either way you will be OK.

@maureenjsl

Yes, many if them insist on getting equal treatment and time with kids and grandkids on mother's day and have a fit when the kids aren't excited about it or the spouse doesn't acknowledge that they too are mothers. I would set that boundary early on. Some people put it in the divorce decree.

It's also extremely common for them to turn down promotions, sabotage their careers, quit their jobs or get fired. They want to be in the "womanly" role of their wife making more than they do. My ex was salaried and was told every year that he needed to work more hours or he would never get a promotion. He balked and said it was so unfair. When we met I made more than he did and some one joked that I was his sugar momma and he got so happy. He also didn't even try to make a move to pay on our first lunch date.

Is it possible for him to get a part time job?

Of course they don't believe we would rather be alone. They think they are such awesome special victims and that we should take care of them. When they look in the mirror dressed as a woman they think they are stunning no matter how horrible they look. I think they have some thing like a type if anorexia where they really can't see what is in the mirror.

Are you sleeping in separate rooms? If that's possible, I think that would greatly help you.

I have found that straight people who were married to gay and lesbian people are more able to understand but there is still a whole other level to this.

For me the other level is the realisation that someone you thought was basically a decent person has actually internalised all the sexist crap necessary to think "woman" is a costume that can be inhabited for sexual kicks. The realisation that that person sees nothing wrong with fetishising not just our bodies but also the mechanisms of our oppression. The realisation that he was an unthinking misogynist just like all the rest of 'em.

Mine said he preferred to do the "woman" role of staying at home; I might've been happier with the proposition if he'd been remotely houseproud or willing to take on the mental load.

So it was just the staying at home part, not the wifework part?

Yep.

He didn't actually want to be the "wife"; what he wanted was not to have to be the "man." Daddy issues!

For me the other level is the realisation that someone you thought was basically a decent person has actually internalised all the sexist crap necessary to think "woman" is a costume that can be inhabited for sexual kicks.

The layers and layers of deception and deceit, and I didn't see through any of them until it was too late. It really shook my confidence in being able to spot someone who was actually an abuser and its affected the way I date. I also felt really stupid for taking his word at face value. Its incredibly damaging.

@TyroSaysMeow that echos my experience. Not seeing anything that is not a costume. No space to question it though.

“I might've been happier with the proposition if he'd been remotely houseproud or willing to take on the mental load.”

Very much my experience. I stopped trying to organize the housework. It was a ‘well if you just write it all out for me’ for a long time. If I have to do all that I may well do the work as well. The current reality is barely anything done each day. I do more popping out of the office for a few minutes.

I finally confided in one friend and they have asked “what is in it for you?”. Even without the issue of thinking just claiming womanhood gives it to you, there is no partnership. And it isn’t that the time is spent with DC. It’s all time in the phone screen in the echo chamber or on a video game.

@MOLLYJO987 it’s not a formal room separation but he’s been not in the bed for a long time mainly from the little one coming in to snuggle.

Good question from your friend Maureen; women are so used to putting others first that they overlook, or feel bad about, asking what's in it for them.
Agree re. the misogyny; my ex now has a keen interest in 'feminism'; it bewilders me how he can talk the talk while believing that skirts and painted nails make the woman.
He did very little to help when my children were young, but got into baking as soon as he had decided to transition, very odd. Somewhat cherry-picking methinks, and more stereotyping of what it means to be a woman. As others have found, he has subsequently pursued very 'frilly' hobbies....

Is his interest in choosy-choice sex-pozzy empowerfulising 'feminism', social, or is it in actual feminism?

No space to question it though.

I was lucky on that one; we were the sort of couple where I did all the talking, and he's got this... thing about putting women on a pedestal and worshipping them (internalised misandry definitely a factor; he's into flipping the sexes in the power hierarchy rather than jettisoning the hierarchy entirely) so he's never been inclined to shout me down - I wouldn't have been with him in the first place if that hadn't been the case.

While we were still (nominally) together, my ex put on his twitter bio that he was a "sex positive feminist", funnily enough he'd never previously shown any interest in feminism. He couldn't explain why sex workers' exclusion from feminism was his battle all of a sudden, either.

Incidentally if any woman here wanted to write something about how it's different to finding out your husband is gay and so no actually us. not liking it, doesn't make us big homophobic meanies, it would be a useful thing to have on the website.

Big homophobic meanies my arse; I'm somewhere in the lengthy process of accepting that my own sexuality does not in fact involve attraction to men.