Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

Thank you for those links, sheitani

Even though it now seems MNHQ won't let us be even here on this thread.

I was looking at Part I when the post vanished. I'll store the links and I am quite likely to notice a message.

Just popping in.

Today is/would have been/should be (who knows what verb tense to use) my anniversary. Sixteen years of my life down the drain. Allowing myself to feel morose for a bit and then dusting myself off and planning a new life starting tomorrow.

I'm sad to see that the canceling of Transwidows' experiences.

@SouthernTW, as a dear friend told me when I was sad and angry over 20+ years of ultimately dysfunctional marriage coming to an end... "Better 16 years than 17, or 18, or..."

@sheitani, what was the topic of those deleted links?

@QuinnMovesOn- too true.

I'm not going to allow him to take up any more of my time. And as little headspace as possible. I'm making plans for the divorce filing in the summer.

Spot on Southern. Some of moving on is about limiting the wasted time we spend thinking, wondering, reflecting... keep moving forward.

@SouthernTW

Just popping in.

Today is/would have been/should be (who knows what verb tense to use) my anniversary. Sixteen years of my life down the drain. Allowing myself to feel morose for a bit and then dusting myself off and planning a new life starting tomorrow.

I'm sad to see that the canceling of Transwidows' experiences.

If we can bear a tangential Game of Thrones reference, I don't think we should see the experience as years "down the drain", it contributed to making us the strong women we are today.

I think a lot of us will relate to this tweet and to the replies to it:

twitter.com/amysilverberg/status/1370601030057029635?s=21

It's a known fact that leaving a toxic workplace can lead to someone's eczema clearing up. Maybe living with the wrong person is a toxic workplace really; would it help to have that in one's mind as a fall-back position once one has decided that they are the wrong person?

(I cannot begin to express my sympathy for people stuck with poisonous.)

Fascinating old article which I think some of the women here will relate to. It explores something I’ve always pondered- was the Beaumont Society/ magazine agony aunt, idea of the benign cross dresser ever true, or was it always propaganda to gaslight firstly wives and secondly wider society?

catholicintelligenceblog.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/consmenconsdresses.pdf

I remember reading that article in 2015, right after my now-ex declared he was "a woman in a man's body" and I was desperately searching for information and a life preserver. What she says on page 7 hit me then, and it hits me now, because it so perfectly expressed what I felt: that the cross-dressed male in thrall to his fetish is unnerving because he looks you right in the eye and you know that he's getting a sexual thrill from parading in front of you and parading it (the fetish) in front of you.

I doubt the Atlantic would publish that piece today: 2003's cross-dresser is today's transgender woman, and anyone who had the temerity to quote Blanchard would be instantly labeled a transphobe.

I wish we could talk about just how repulsive this all is. But that's not allowed in the current political climate. More than just taking over women's spaces and sports, but just literally cringeworthy to think that womanhood is something that is a caricature or costume.

The estranged spouse has taken to calling the kids four to five times a week. Even the kid who actually still likes him wishes he wouldn't call so much. My oldest won't stay overnight with him. And spouse isn't even openly presenting as "female." Not my job to prop up his parenting (or lack thereof) any longer.

Wondering if I'm the only one who reads MTF to mean something other than male to female?

We've started discussing details of divorce filings and the kids are rejecting their father more and more each day (and they still don't even know of the reason). My son chose his martial arts class over going with dad to opening day of MLB. My daughter did one overnight at dad's and said she's fine with visiting, but would rather sleep in her own bed. So, I just parent 100% of the time and he loses whatever little bit of relationship he might have had. I have been so fortunate in having helpful and dependable friends and he has his "friends" on the internet and the creepy therapist.

Although I'm an American, I've been following with interest the info out of the UK on the poor results of puberty blockers. There is part of me that is hopeful that the tide may be turning.

@SouthernTW

Wondering if I'm the only one who reads MTF to mean something other than male to female?

We've started discussing details of divorce filings and the kids are rejecting their father more and more each day (and they still don't even know of the reason). My son chose his martial arts class over going with dad to opening day of MLB. My daughter did one overnight at dad's and said she's fine with visiting, but would rather sleep in her own bed. So, I just parent 100% of the time and he loses whatever little bit of relationship he might have had. I have been so fortunate in having helpful and dependable friends and he has his "friends" on the internet and the creepy therapist.

Although I'm an American, I've been following with interest the info out of the UK on the poor results of puberty blockers. There is part of me that is hopeful that the tide may be turning.

What would you like to happen with regards to your kids staying at their Dad's? I can't remember how old they are.

You need a break and you don't have to be a martyr. If you and your ex both want him to keep a relationship with the kids you could be firmer about them visiting.

My kids are 10 and 12 and are old enough to decide how they want to spend their time. If he wants to have a relationship with them, it's on him to figure out a way to do that. I won't force it, especially knowing what's coming down the pike. I told him before he moved out that he didn't have any relational equity with them. I'm not propping up his lack of parenting any longer. I believe that children benefit from having fathers, but if he doesn't want to be one, there is no benefit to them. They already have a mother and a damn good one at that.

I did everything from the time they were born and I will continue to do everything until they move out. My only ask from him any longer is that he continue to make the financial contributions he has agreed to. I'm not a martyr and am working on my ability to ask for and accept help from friends (not my strong suit, but improving).

On an unrelated note, I read the piece on the transwidow's voices site about Beth. Although I don't have any of those particulars, I resonated so much with her final sentence, " I have friends and family around me, I have work that matters. I have a sense of purpose and I am at peace."

@SouthernTW, I'm in a similar situation. I apparently acquired all the social skills and ability to relate to our children as my side of the division of marital assets! But seriously... my ex's ability to create a meaningful relationship with our children is no longer my problem. Ditto that for you. My ex did next to nothing of the parenting work when we were married. And unsurprisingly, that hasn't changed since the divorce.

I do agree that it is important to make sure you still have an adult life outside of being a parent, though, as Tinsel indicated. I hope you have a support network that can help with that.

@SouthernTW

My kids are 10 and 12 and are old enough to decide how they want to spend their time. If he wants to have a relationship with them, it's on him to figure out a way to do that. I won't force it, especially knowing what's coming down the pike. I told him before he moved out that he didn't have any relational equity with them. I'm not propping up his lack of parenting any longer. I believe that children benefit from having fathers, but if he doesn't want to be one, there is no benefit to them. They already have a mother and a damn good one at that.

I did everything from the time they were born and I will continue to do everything until they move out. My only ask from him any longer is that he continue to make the financial contributions he has agreed to. I'm not a martyr and am working on my ability to ask for and accept help from friends (not my strong suit, but improving).

On an unrelated note, I read the piece on the transwidow's voices site about Beth. Although I don't have any of those particulars, I resonated so much with her final sentence, " I have friends and family around me, I have work that matters. I have a sense of purpose and I am at peace."

I'm a firm believer that women know what is best for their own children based on their circumstances. It's not "one size fits all".

Given IIRC, you home school I think your support network is really important

Well after months of lurking, my first post was deleted. I feel pretty stupid, it took a long time to work up the courage to post, asking for support. I do not know where else to go for support with this issue. How can women talk about the abuse they experienced if they cannot refer to the abuser? Does a woman who suffered abuse by a man really have to refer to her abuser as a woman even when that sort of gaslighting was part of the abuse? I am genuinely asking for help, these are real questions.

Just use the name? (Or a fake name like Torquil or something ambisexual like Kay?) It sucks swamp through a straw, but it now seems that even when asking for help women have to be circumspect to a ludicrous degree.

Yes, we homeschool and have for six years now. Being a single mom homeschooling has its challenges but it's the right thing for my kids, so I will find a way. I'm glad my kids are at least older.

I'm sorry @cupcakecontest. Is there a way to make your post slightly more ambiguous so that we can lend you support?