Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

With it being this issue though there is a fear that he’d use his stunning and brave status to ruin things for me and DC.

You can't carry on like this indefinitely SeasideM, you'll ruin your health.

What exactly is it that you are worried that he will do?

twitter.com/labelfreebrands/status/1366167980816494592?s=21

This is not a nice read but I think is worth sharing here as a reality based account of what life is like for women who stay.

I actually feel nauseous after reading that. It's horrific.

There's a lot in it, not least the extreme manipulation and passive aggressiveness of the husband, but also how bisexual women may feel they have no excuse to leave.

"I told her not to hit me and that hurt her deeply, because of course that sounds like I was implying she was physically abusing me"

OMFG.

@Kettlingur

"I told her not to hit me and that hurt her deeply, because of course that sounds like I was implying she was physically abusing me"

OMFG.

It's next level gaslighting.

Omg. That's horrific. My god. Sorry, not very helpful.

You know @TinselAngel that is just the thing I guess. What really can he do? Guess I worry about how blind people become and how a man in this situation can do no wrong as it’s so ‘brave’. In terms of him tearing down my friendships by painting me in a bad light oh well as those would be people I don’t need in my life anyways. I worry more about causing me a job loss. Or alienation from DC. Not certain how successful either of those things would be should he attempt them. A re-focus on getting all the ducks in a row has helped and recognizing what small steps I have taken to prepare. The nearly year now of isolation is just taking its toll.

Will bookmark that article to read.

@QuinnMovesOn I still need to do a legal consult. I’ve divorced once in the same location I am in but that was without a child so I have been researching what requirements/paperwork that adds to the process.

The firmer boundaries around finances have been helpful and they were set pretty early on seeing the advice here and elsewhere. So at least financially it is just like a pay for a terrible live-in child minder that needs sacked. (the humor helps me)

I worry more about causing me a job loss. Or alienation from DC. Not certain how successful either of those things would be should he attempt them.

Apologies if I'm missing something obvious, but how could he make you lose your job, for leaving him?

@SeasideMaureen, I think you'll feel better after a legal consult, where you know what your rights are and what your soon-to-be ex's legal obligations will be. It sounds like you're doing better in terms of boundaries on finances, but if you haven't already set an alert in case your ex opens a credit card or credit line jointly in your names, that might be something else to consider.

I wish you all the best in this... it's so hard to deal with, but your life will be better on the other side.

@TinselAngel via ‘phobic’ complaints to the company. It is unlikely he’d try that though honestly as I am his source of finances currently. And I’d hope my employer has more sense than to cater to an estranged spouse. Not much of a very realistic fear.

@QuinnMovesOn I’ve a monitoring service on our account that does show changes in credit bureau information. That is good advice to double check that it will show anything under his name alone.

Hopefully talking stuff through here, can help you decide which of the anxieties are reasonable or not, and of those that are reasonable, you can work out how to put strategies in place to prevent any worst case scenarios

(I had to go on a hefty dose of anti depressants to achieve this).

Understandable that you are hyper-anxious Seaside. I felt as if I couldn't breathe for weeks after my ex dropped the bombshell. I doubt any employer could act against you regarding your personal relationship. The 'transphobic'stuff is about going public with gender critical views. I keep my mouth shut at work, subtly ensure I influence where I can, support those causes anonymously or via a pseudonym.. so that nobody can ever accuse me of letting my personal experience of trans BS affect my work. I quite enjoy the subterfuge (I don't get out much ).
Blimey Tinsel that article is awful. Here's what you could have had Transwidows... a hideous, coercive, joyless sex life revolving around the self-absorption and priority needs of the bloke. No thanks

@SeasideM, I also had concerns about my ex slandering me to my employer. This is a legitimate fear, but for me, it never happened. I think several things factored into that, including what you mentioned, that it would have been very financially disadvantageous for my ex to cause problems for me with my employer.

I also think my ex realized, in a rare moment of clarity, that my employer would be more sympathetic to me, despite all the politically correct platitudes about support for transgenderism. There's being trans and then there's being an asshole who also happens to be trans.

@SeasideMaureen- i think just being in the situation at all heightens anxiety and makes it difficult to be able to tell up from down because quite literally that which is true is being characterized as the opposite. Do you have a close friend who can help you sort through each of these specific issues and help you put a realist perspective on their likelihoods?

The anxiety also starts to make you physically ill IME. The body can't cope with being in a constant state of stress and it erodes your immune system.

We don't get much light relief on here, so here's some- following much tomfoolery on Twitter we now have a trans widows flag:

twitter.com/transwidows/status/1368251704504967169?s=21

@TinselAngel oh my now just like all the other super specific groups we have a flag! The light relief is welcome.

@socialworker222 ha are many of us getting out much these days?

@QuinnMovesOn just talking it out here helped loads because yes financially that would beyond dumb to jeopardize my employment. He’s not shown consistent regard for anything except himself.

@SouthernTW I do have one friend I can speak to in person from time to time that understands all that is going on. It’s been a help just just use the language that matches reality. The friend is also quite practical and can be on hand as per of the in-person support system that DC and I will need.

Working on the stress level. Reading more on how the body keeps score that is very eye opening. Stuff I would have brushed off a year ago that I don’t now!

I only dip in periodically to read these days (March is the month of my 6th trans-aversary, when my ex dropped his "I'm a woman in a man's body" bomb, and three years March I moved out), but I've been highly entertained by the "super straight" sub over at reddit, which is a declaration of sex-based sexual attraction. After my adventures with my ex's claim he was a lesbian, and that I was, too (when he wasn't asking me to act like an aggressive male and huffing out "I need you to fuck me!), this reddit sub has been a real tonic. One of the hardest things to recover from has been the hit I took to my sexuality and sense of myself as a sexual being.

Here's the background: Some poor 16 year old boy did a tik-tok video saying he was tired of being called transphobic because he didn't want to date transwomen, and didn't think of them as women, because, he said, he was "super straight." There's been a rallying around him around that "super-straight,", and all the sex-based attraction groups are chiming in: super straight, super lesbian, super gay, super bi. No surprise, the TRAs have threatened the kid, by threatening to kill his mother.

I've enjoyed reading the posts on reddit, with people parroting/parodying gender ideology/theory--some of them are very funny, and I thought that as you posted the transwidow flag, some of you might enjoy the reddit show.

I love the flag so much. I want T-shirt's and fridge magnets and stickers.

(I'm a name changer - I was threatened with doxxing last week)

I'm baffled. On a thread about a book about a sissy fetish I commented about the said thing and mentioned my lived experience. My whole post was maybe 3 sentences about how my ex admitted it was behind his transition, until he changed his mind - and my post was deleted in minutes. Are we now not allowed to talk about what we actually lived through?

@Zeev

(I'm a name changer - I was threatened with doxxing last week)

I'm baffled. On a thread about a book about a sissy fetish I commented about the said thing and mentioned my lived experience. My whole post was maybe 3 sentences about how my ex admitted it was behind his transition, until he changed his mind - and my post was deleted in minutes. Are we now not allowed to talk about what we actually lived through?

Have you asked why it was deleted?

I think in general MN give us more leeway in this thread, but anywhere else anything specific about AGP tends to get reported and is therefore deleted.

I agree it's frustrating. Whilst I appreciate the leeway we're given here it does make it feel like we're being siloed.

If it's any comfort, I think that the consciousness raising that happens as a side effect of us talking about our experiences and supporting each other, helps more women to draw their own conclusions.

I don't really dare ask why - I've had a few deletions lately and I don't want to draw any more attention to myself.

In a way it just felt like the same thing my ex did and that's why it was triggering. Like there is this thing we both know it's true but I am not allowed to say it.

@Zeev

I don't really dare ask why - I've had a few deletions lately and I don't want to draw any more attention to myself.

In a way it just felt like the same thing my ex did and that's why it was triggering. Like there is this thing we both know it's true but I am not allowed to say it.

It feels like that because it is like that