Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

I've tested it and it's working OK.

Ok

I've been watching these struggles you all in the UK are having with the GRA. This concept of self ID is pretty crazy. Since when do people just get to say who they are?

@SouthernTW

I've been watching these struggles you all in the UK are having with the GRA. This concept of self ID is pretty crazy. Since when do people just get to say who they are?

What are the rules where you are Southern?

Photos and videos are very hard; videos particularly so as they have a voice recording. We clicked on some iPad video footage not realizing you could hear Dad's voice, and mine found it very upsetting. I was left with all the paper pictures, and have had to go through them several times, gradually weeding them out/filing them. I created albums which my kids can flick through without seeing him, which they find unbearable. The weeded-out photos have been packed up and labelled carefully in case they want them in the future. And all the framed pictures were swapped out. He really has been edited out of our lives by his own hand.
The pictures themselves are a very strange representation of a person who no longer exists; interestingly despite protesting to be the same, that person doesn't want any of them, or any outward sign of his previous life. I find the pictures very sad; I wonder who that person was and how I had no idea at all.
And on a lighter note, he is very vain about his weight, so I confess to weeding 'in' the least attractive, most 'fat' photos of him, to put away for the future. Small moments of amusement

@TinselAngel- honestly, I wasn't 100% sure, so I did a little research. It seems like each state in the U.S. has a different rule for changing birth certificates. A handful don't allow the changing of sex at all. Other states allow it with judicial process. It seems like most require a court petition and some sort of medical validation that the person is now living as the opposite sex or has had a sex reassignment surgery (varies by state). Name changes are a bit different, but also require a court petition.

@socialworker222- I think I may have to steal your idea of the unflattering photos. I took my wedding photos down and replaced with pictures of just the kids. I intend to keep them all, but pack them up.

Spouse has started in with his "butt looks fat." His butt has never been fat even when the rest of him has been. I feel like he's co-opting the language of his "online trans friends" to sound what he thinks is feminine. Which is beyond annoying.

I took the kids out trick or treating for the first time on Saturday for Halloween. (Our neighborhood did a socially-distanced version leaving items outside on table, etc. for kids to pick up.) Previously, it had always been spouse who takes them while I stay home. But he had eye surgery (cosmetic) so couldn't this year. I feel like it was a momentous first step for pushing him out of our daily lives. But then there's still a part of me (the dumb, not-living-in-reality part) that holds onto a tiny particle of hope that maybe he will change his mind about all of this nonsense.

@SouthernTW, it's taken time, but we've come up with new family events that replace what we used to do when my ex was part of our family. Some of it are small things that I maybe would have thought were insignificant, like getting takeout for dinner that are cuisines he won't eat, but are now part of our family routines. There are many times when I wish we could be a family again like we were before, but over time, we're rebuilding as a smaller family.

Agree. The wound closes over the gap; it doesn't disappear but you reform a life together without them.
We did the same; I was full of dread about the first Christmas and to a degree, subsequent ones. I aimed to create something different, not the same-with-someone-missing.

Christmas generally is tough for any family where someone has gone or changed fundamentally. I'll be thinking of everyone this year.

Spouse has started in with his "butt looks fat."

I'd be tempted to agree with him.

For us Christmas (or in fact any holiday or not his birthday or other family event) was much much nicer without him. He always had some sort of narcissistic rage tantrum and spoilt it for everyone.

Late transitioners, domestic abuse and trans widows www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4069208-late-transitioners-domestic-abuse-and-trans-widows

Related new thread with an article that I think you will all find interesting.

This part of the US election actually is relevant to this thread. nypost.com/2020/11/03/delaware-elects-sarah-mcbride-first-openly-trans-state-senator-in-the-us/

[quote SouthernTW]This part of the US election actually is relevant to this thread. nypost.com/2020/11/03/delaware-elects-sarah-mcbride-first-openly-trans-state-senator-in-the-us/[/quote]
Do they have a wife?

I guess the senator-elect had a spouse who died from cancer. The spouse was a trans man (biological female).

@SouthernTW our spouses seem very similar. During one of the obsessive amount of scale checks there was a “oh let’s see how overweight I am today” comments. I am also in the US.

@socialworker222 that sometimes is what hurts the most...they claim to be the same person but the person in those photos is completely different and not just in how they look on the outside.

Odd comment about hair recently. Almost seemed like competitive to be “more” womanly to have longer hair. Presuming that this type of thing is not uncommon. It’s exhausting.

[quote SeasideM]@SouthernTW our spouses seem very similar. During one of the obsessive amount of scale checks there was a “oh let’s see how overweight I am today” comments. I am also in the US.

@socialworker222 that sometimes is what hurts the most...they claim to be the same person but the person in those photos is completely different and not just in how they look on the outside.

Odd comment about hair recently. Almost seemed like competitive to be “more” womanly to have longer hair. Presuming that this type of thing is not uncommon. It’s exhausting.[/quote]
They're still the same person when it suits them, but their old self is also dead when it suits them.

Definitely still the same person over here- apparently a manipulative and selfish liar. I found out that, of course, he is still lying and hiding things. Spending money he said he wasn't on laser hair removal.

Therapy is lovely because it's a great reminder that I can't fix him. I just wish I could remove my children from his sphere of deception.

@SouthernTW

Definitely still the same person over here- apparently a manipulative and selfish liar. I found out that, of course, he is still lying and hiding things. Spending money he said he wasn't on laser hair removal. Therapy is lovely because it's a great reminder that I can't fix him. I just wish I could remove my children from his sphere of deception.

We called that he'd start laser treatment soon a while ago IIRC?

They justify things they can't afford by saying they "need" it. Maybe they sincerely believe they need it but it's a different definition of the concept of "need" to what we have.

Yup. Definitely called it, @TinselAngel.

It's not even the money. He outright lied to my face about it too because he said he was getting it waxed and waiting on the laser. I hate lying more than anything. I may have lots of faults. But I never lie. Not even white lies to be polite. Strange trait in a lawyer, I know.

Still quiet here.

He still won't talk to me about it, but to all outward appearances appears to have stopped. The snake-oil pills he bought off the internet have been disposed of in front of me. The maid outfit likewise. I think he still has some shoes/boots hidden, waiting to see what happens with those.

Our sex life is coming back. Slowly. Didn't realise quite how bad it had got until it started to improve. We've gone from once or twice a year (seriously) when he could barely get an erection to a couple of times a month, and I think it's helped some closeness come back to a degree. Which is good, but also bad because I have realised just how much time he must have spent wanking with his toys and/or outfits. All while I was lying next to him every night feeling totally rejected and unloved because even if I tried to start anything he couldn't get it up.

He's trying really hard to (I think) just pretend it never happened and he hasn't been dicking about with this behind my back for the last 4 or 5 years.

Thing is, I just don't trust him. I've seen so many times on here about the purge then binge again, and part of me is holding back and waiting for that. I feel like I'm in limbo still. I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for something else that he's been careless about pop up and blow my peace of mind to bits again.

I don't love him. That's the bottom line I think, he has killed all the love I had for him and I don't think I can get that back. I can muddle along with him out of habit though, as long as he's not lying to me. I'm not interested in the thought of anyone else, I still like him but I'm just emotionally empty.

Southern, how long til you can get yours out of the house? It seems he's pushing the boundaries back further all the time and it's so unfair to you.

@SouthernTW

Yup. Definitely called it, *@TinselAngel*.

It's not even the money. He outright lied to my face about it too because he said he was getting it waxed and waiting on the laser. I hate lying more than anything. I may have lots of faults. But I never lie. Not even white lies to be polite. Strange trait in a lawyer, I know.

If it's any comfort, the laser treatment is quite painful IIRC

@HollywoodTease

Still quiet here.

He still won't talk to me about it, but to all outward appearances appears to have stopped. The snake-oil pills he bought off the internet have been disposed of in front of me. The maid outfit likewise. I think he still has some shoes/boots hidden, waiting to see what happens with those.

Our sex life is coming back. Slowly. Didn't realise quite how bad it had got until it started to improve. We've gone from once or twice a year (seriously) when he could barely get an erection to a couple of times a month, and I think it's helped some closeness come back to a degree. Which is good, but also bad because I have realised just how much time he must have spent wanking with his toys and/or outfits. All while I was lying next to him every night feeling totally rejected and unloved because even if I tried to start anything he couldn't get it up.

He's trying really hard to (I think) just pretend it never happened and he hasn't been dicking about with this behind my back for the last 4 or 5 years.

Thing is, I just don't trust him. I've seen so many times on here about the purge then binge again, and part of me is holding back and waiting for that. I feel like I'm in limbo still. I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for something else that he's been careless about pop up and blow my peace of mind to bits again.

I don't love him. That's the bottom line I think, he has killed all the love I had for him and I don't think I can get that back. I can muddle along with him out of habit though, as long as he's not lying to me. I'm not interested in the thought of anyone else, I still like him but I'm just emotionally empty.

Southern, how long til you can get yours out of the house? It seems he's pushing the boundaries back further all the time and it's so unfair to you.

I think your interpretation is realistic, and I think you're in a strong position because knowledge is power

@TinselAngel- I hope it hurts like hell.

@HollywoodTease- he will be moving out after the first of the year. We will tell the kids that he's moving out after Christmas. That's all we are telling them at this point. I so understand your feeling of just being emotionally empty. It's as if these ridiculous men have literally sucked the lives out of us.

One of the tasks the family counselor gave us was to each write out separately how we would tell the kids about him moving out. My ideal of "Daddy is selfish and is leaving us" probably isn't going to cut it.

@SouthernTW

One of the tasks the family counselor gave us was to each write out separately how we would tell the kids about him moving out. My ideal of "Daddy is selfish and is leaving us" probably isn't going to cut it.

That suggests you're being encouraged to take some responsibility for it?