Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

[TinselAngel]

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

For all the brave women on this thread

He's made his position clear and I've made my response clear. So we have detente until the beginning of the new year and pray we don't kill each other living in the house together until then.

Thanks for the support, TWs and lurkers!

When I look back, I am amazed at how civilised me and my ex were in the time between me putting the house on the market and me moving out. The division of belongings etc was all very smooth.

It went down hill somewhat after I moved out and filed for divorce.

Yes, I started well and very committed to a collaborative split, cooperation, kindness etc.
It went downhill when agreements were broken, and money reared its ugly head.
I look back with sadness that it is so hard to have a truly amicable divorce, although I'm by no means alone alongside friends whose husbands left for other women.
All you can do is behave well yourself, be clear and assertive, and remember it will be better one day in the future (it really is).

As my friend always says "all you can do is keep your own side of the street clean".

That's what I am afraid. It's all great and respectful right now. But when he moves out, we will see how it goes.
Although we did have a bit of a blowout when he told me I could tell myself he's a man right now, if it makes me feel better. I responded, "You will always be a man to me." He tried to get me to say that when he transition or years down the road, I would refer to him as a woman. Not happening.

Thank God for therapy! It keeps me (somewhat) sane.

Conflict is inevitable at some point, particularly given he appears to think he has the right to tell you what to think, and you're clearly not a woman who is going to accept that!

Did anyone else start noticing random strangers more? I find myself doing a double-take when I see what I would have previously assumed was just a tall woman. And I notice men who actually look masculine much more than I ever did. I smelled some man's cologne in a store the other day and I was sort of shocked by it. I guess because of how turned off I am by the powdery old-lady smell spouse has taken on with his scented lotion.

It's like when you buy a new car and it feels like everybody else has got one the same, all of a sudden.

My ex also went through a phase, after I said I wanted a divorce, of trying to be nice to me, actually doing some chores, etc. I don't understand what motivated that.

My suggestion is once you know divorce is inevitable, get through the divorce phase as quickly as you can, as long as you aren't sacrificing anything financial by going fast. I don't think you can really start to heal until after you're legally finished.

Well, he has apologized and asked for forgiveness for a lot of his hurtful actions of the past. I do feel like there is genuine remorse on his part for many of the things he's done. Perhaps, therapy has at least benefited him there. I also do think that he is struggling with some form of mental anguish- call it "gender dysphoria" or something else. But that doesn't change the scientific fact that he's not a woman, nor the fact that I'm not going to be married and live with someone pretending to be one.

I have decided to treat our remaining time in as peaceful and respectful manner as I can. I'm re-framing as it's almost like he's dying (since "he" potentially will be). This is my opportunity to say good-bye to the husband that I do love.

We are meeting with the family counselor tomorrow in hopes of finding someone who can help direct our family through this, beginning with how to tell the kids he's moving out.

This is my opportunity to say good-bye to the husband that I do love.

How shall I put this? Not in the bedroom though as it'll just make things worse.

No, not there. I told him he can kiss and hug me, but I'm not messing with my head any further. Because he doesn't want to have mutually satisfactory intercourse where I don't have to avoid touching certain parts of him, I can't continue the mess it makes of my head.

It's more of a mindset. I am going to grieve the loss. I tell him I love you and I will miss you. Just as if he were dying.

I understand the death aspect and in a way found it helpful. That there were two distinct people, and two distinct relationships with me, drew a line under that part of my life and cleared my f*ed-with head. It's probably easier for me as I have no contact with him (apart from shocking and upsetting sightings) and can feel I have moved on after losing someone and a marriage. Living with the half and half, the man with the weird orange make up, the short skirts, would be a very different experience. Most people with kids have to have some contact but I imagine even if I did I would keep myself as apart as possible. Less painful, self-preservation. If you can separate the two people, and the two halves of your life, it may help. And certainly being very civil worked for me. I kept the moral high ground and did little that could be criticized by him or his pretty awful family. Whatever works for you.

My DD who had a mental health Fr

Sorry accidentally clicked post.

My DD who had a mental health crisis when ex picked her up as a man on Friday night and dressed as a woman Saturday morning and took her out with his new trans mates was supported by CAMHS, CAFCASS & Family Support. They described it as a reaction to a sudden bereavement. Even though we were separated at the time it felt like that to me too. I bereaved the death of that person I thought I knew and thanks to their tendency to rewrite history, our 10 year marriage was deleted because they'd "always been a woman".

I am VERY concerned about the rewriting of our history. It's making me extremely hesitant to toss things that I probably would in a more ordinary separation situation- like letters he wrote at the beginning our relationship, photos, etc. It's almost like I want to hang onto the evidence so I'm not crazy.
My daughter mentioned something about not remembering Daddy with short hair (he hasn't had a hair cut since March and used to wear it buzzed) and it crushed me.

@KickingBishopBrennanUpTheArrse- that is so terrible about your daughter. The poor kid. I remain flabbergasted that fathers can do this to their children.

Hello all. It has been some time since I’ve posted. Got very busy with work and child and generally overworking to avoid the hole mess.

Getting caught up on the thread I see so many familiar things. Obsession with the scale (constantly using it all hours of the day), constant online/phone with new friends (any others hear them on the phone for 5-7 hours at a time? How? online groups and now direct calls with new friends sometimes about all the drama in the chat rooms), neglect of children and household tasks (not utterly complete here but well enough to be noticeable), loss of trust, loss of respect, conforming only counselor, expensive laser, not working, still spending, narcissistic behavior, the feeling of so much anger.

Most days things are civil enough. Been reading now enough about narcissism to do better at not being baited. Some days some help happens around the house and with the child but it at their whim. Must be nice to choose to ignore all responsibility and take the entire day to do nails. The person I first met I feel was fake. Some of the interests and humor are still the same but the person in my home now...not even factoring in the transition related activities...I wouldn’t chose to befriend let along have had a romantic relationship with.

Very sorry to hear that Kicking. My ex's treatment of his children was the last straw and is why I have no contact with him. Not sure how it's forgivable but I'd be interested to know. My youngest remembers being angry and bewildered when Dad changed back to 'man' mode to take them to his parents (who bankrolled him believing it was a phase and I was in fact making a mistake asking him to leave). He'd spent the weekend dressed up with the kids, no discussion, preparation or explanation, then just switched back. Youngest was both bewildered and angry that it was somehow okay to dress up with them (meaning they didn't leave his place as she was so.embarrassed, for entire weekends), but he was somehow able to tolerate the terrible distress of going 'man' to placate funding parents. Many kids forgive and reconcile with abusive and inadequate fathers, and it's hard for the women in those relationships to forgive as easily, having witnessed and compensated for that crap parenting.

@socialworker222, I am not seeing much of the "forgive and reconcile with abusive and inadequate fathers". What I see with my children, now that they have become adults, is that they are making their own decision as to how much they want to be with the other parent or with me. And they're spending very minimal time with the other parent. Which makes me sad, but there's nothing I can do about that, even if I wanted to.

@QuinnMovesOn I often wonder how DS will be as he ages (just now starting school so young now). The self obsession/absorption is high with ‘dad’ right now and DS notices the lack of interaction.

@SouthernTW the pictures from when DS was smaller crush me. That person is gone and the one here now barely interacts. No idea how it will be for DS to see those photos and videos when older.

Trans widows of mumsnet email your ideas for this to [email protected] or DM me here, and I will put together some guidance for other groups to submit to the enquiry regarding trans widows.

https://committees.parliament.uk/call-for-evidence/291/reform-of-the-gender-recognition-act?fbclid=IwAR2OBw5dDqd0oWBzQrZOjcxb7N0S34frEWw7QVnOuzeQfI55coo_w0CvFsc

Further detail here:

twitter.com/transwidows/status/1321730963685183489?s=21

@TinselAngel

Trans widows of mumsnet email your ideas for this to [email protected] or DM me here, and I will put together some guidance for other groups to submit to the enquiry regarding trans widows.

https://committees.parliament.uk/call-for-evidence/291/reform-of-the-gender-recognition-act?fbclid=IwAR2OBw5dDqd0oWBzQrZOjcxb7N0S34frEWw7QVnOuzeQfI55coo_w0CvFsc

I just sent an email but it was rejected