Anyone want to talk about men, women, and sex?

[PuertoVallarta]

I am trying to think through some ideas around sex and relationships. I apologize if my ideas are not that clear. I suppose that’s why I need help.

Was talking with a male friend who told me all the women he’s been with have enjoyed anal sex. And I said, “You don’t know that. Of course they’re going to act like they like it. They know they have to like it.” He was surprised and very hurt. I felt bad for casting doubt on his previous relations. I had no proof that these women were faking it, just because I myself can’t imagine anyone liking it.

But I do believe in my heart of hearts that women know they have to like sex stuff unquestioningly. On one hand, because we don’t want to hurt men’s feelings. On another hand, because we love men and we enjoy our relationships and we don’t want to lose them over something silly.

And I also believe that men don’t really consider women’s feelings in the same way. Instead of going along because they are scared of hurting us, the vast majority of men will harbor a growing resentment toward a female partner who denies them certain sex acts that they want.

When I asked the people around me, all I got was the same answer: “If one person wants to do something in the bedroom, and the other person doesn’t, then they are not sexually compatible. He shouldn’t pressure her. He should just leave her so they can both find someone they are compatible with.”

It is so depressing to me! Am I just being a control freak to think it’s unfair to ask women (almost all women, I think) to either give it up or be abandoned? Yes, I know nobody is entitled to a relationship. But I feel like this idea of “compatibility” is a result of women’s worth being tied to what we can provide sexually. A few days have passed since this discussion. My friend is still hurt by my comment, and I am sinking into a depression thinking about how this notion of “compatibility” might just be a way to keep women in line.

Perhaps my thinking is way off the mark. If anyone has time to share their own thoughts, it would be appreciated.

..who told me all the women he’s been with have enjoyed anal sex....

And yet, weirdly, all of them are no longer with him.

I sarcastically wonder why.

I was browsing the sex section of this site, and there was a thread about anal sex and many women claimed to love it.
Why would they lie to us on here?
Different people like different things.
A man told me that he split up with his girlfriend because she wanted him to choke her and slap her in the face. He did it, because she wanted him to, but after a while couldn't take it and left.
People do things they don't want to do because their partners want them to. They probably shouldn't, but they do.
And not everyone who says they enjoy something is lying.

Different people like different things

"Like' is an interesting word.......Heroin addicts like heroin, and alcoholics like alcohol.....

a lot of what we learn about sexuality and the way we determine our own sexual response is very much tied in to what we have been exposed to. The earliest images and experiences are often the most powerful and can shape our imaginal life.

I don't really believe that any woman really wants to be slapped, strangled or choked. Like all of us we yearn for love and respect; often seeking it in the most hopeless of situations; and from those equally as damaged.

Young women ( & young men) regularly exposed to the sorts of practices and abuses that we see in much of modern pornography must be very confused indeed. And it is abuse - as countless ex pornography 'performers' have attested to.

It really winds me up how sensitive men are if you even dare suggest that some of the women they've slept with might have faked an orgasm or not enjoyed it as much as they did.

Me and my mates were reading magazines about how to give the perfect blow job from the age of 14. We were all paranoid about having smelly vaginas or too much pubic hair or being boring in bed. Meanwhile most men think being willing to go down on a woman every now and again makes them some kind of sex god.

When I hear blokes bragging about one night stands I've started telling them that I've never had an orgasm on a one night stand because I can't orgasm if I'm shagging someone who doesn't understand what I like and that all my friends are the same. Always takes the wind out of their sails.

Men are very gullible when it comes to believing what they want to believe.

I don't really believe that any woman really wants to be slapped, strangled or choked. Like all of us we yearn for love and respect;

Listening to the opinions of women tells me that neither of those sentences is true for everyone.

I was browsing the sex section of this site, and there was a thread about anal sex and many women claimed to love it...

I'd like to see that.

Linky-poo?

*I'd like to see that.

Linky-poo?*

It was a while ago... I'll try and find it.

IMO, men think that women view sex in the same way they do. So, if a man wants sex with a woman, he assumes she feels the same. If a man wants anal, he assumes the woman does. If a man wants rough sex, he assumes the woman does. Sometimes, he will be right, sometimes not, but often he won't bother to check. And many of them still don't know how a woman orgasms. I told one guy (many years ago) that I hadn't orgasmed and he told me I'd have to wait till he was ready again - obviously no idea that sex meant more than just penetration! And he had no idea why I was furious with his response. Also, a lot of men think they are absolute gods when it comes to sex - I think they feel validated by their performance. Education about the different male and female sexual responses would really help. And, yes, I know this a general view and some women have higher sex drives, and some women do like anal sex, and some women do like rough sex.

we don’t want to lose them over something silly

I wouldn't call a distaste for and refusal to being buggered "something silly"! We all have a tendency to believe the things we want and enjoy are reciprocated but that's not always true.

Can you not understand that people enjoy different things? Just because you don't like it doesn't mean someone else won't.

And if 2 people like different things sexually then they do need to consider if they're compatible or not. No one should do something they don't want to just to keep their partner happy. Likewise no one should have to put up with an unsatisfying sex life because their partner doesn't like what they like. The best policy is to split up in that case.

Yes, I can understand that. It’s why I asked the question.

I guess I wanted to know if anyone agrees that women know we are expected to like whatever sex acts are currently considered normal by society? And if anyone agrees that maybe more women pretend to like things than is ever discussed? I certainly did when I was younger and I’d even think there was something wrong with me if I didn’t like something. I would read magazine articles to get myself to like certain sex acts.

That’s more the dynamic I’m talking about.

And if the idea that “we’re not sexually compatible” means, “you’re not a worthy partner ‘cause you won’t have a threesome.”

The thing is though, women don't have the same nerve endings up there that men do.
Men can orgasm through prostate stimulation. Women don't have a prostate.

I think most women who claim to love anal are just showing off, most can't actually come through anal.

And why is this male friend of yours having anal sex with all these women? Anything to do with him, no?

I agree with you OP, they're probably just going along with it to "be nice" as women are socialised to be.

Some women absolutely do say they enjoy anal and perhaps they truly do enjoy the sensation - human sexuality is quite complex though, so I would imagine that some people enjoy the perceived edginess of it, or prioritise pleasing their partner over themselves.

If everyone your friend has slept with has found anal penetration tolerable, I would make the assumption that he has a smaller than average penis!

And if the idea that “we’re not sexually compatible” means, “you’re not a worthy partner ‘cause you won’t have a threesome.”

Well, I think you need to unpack that statement a bit.

If a partner particularly wants threesomes but the other doesn't then they are incompatible aren't they? I'm not sure where the "you're not a worthy partner" comes from.

Why isn't a case of I like this, but you don't. Therefore we both need to find relationships with people who like what we like?

There was a thread running the other day where the husband didn't like giving oral and didn't really seem to like piv sex. The female op was advised that as she wanted these things she was better off leaving a finding a relationship that made her happy. That's right surely? Otherwise you're saying either he had to do things that he didn't want to (which is wrong) or she had to settle for an unfulfilling sex life (which is wrong).

I'm not really sure what you think is the right answer here. No one should do anything that they don't want to do willingly but equally no one should have to stay in a relationship that doesn't make them happy. Do you disagree?

Not all women are the same and I wish this trend 'oh, she likes anal (insert something generally viewed as unpleasant), so she must be coerced/pressurized by partner/influenced by porn/brainwashed, poor thing' would stop.

I genuinely enjoy anal and rough sex (not bdsm, not extreme, though). No one pressured/brainwashed me to do it, I just like it, always did, and actively ask for it if I'm with someone. I've met men who don't like it and refused to do it when I suggested. That's fine, we all like different things. I've also met a man who doesn't like and doesn't want blow-jobs. We're all different.

Obviously, no woman (or man) should be pressured to do something they don't want to do, that's wrong. But to think that just because you don't like something/find something disgusting, then all other people should feel the same is silly. Or if they DO like it, then they surely are brainwashed/forced/whatever.

Why isn't a case of I like this, but you don't. Therefore we both need to find relationships with people who like what we like?

This is definitely where I’m at, but I think knowing what you like and having the confidence to state and keep those boundaries can take experience/wisdom/maturity.

Took me several decades and three husbands!

I had a friend who very enthusiastically said she like anal sex for several years. Then, during a girly conversation one day, casually dropped in, 'oh I don't do that any more, I'm so over it' She didn't want to discuss it further so no idea on the thought process.

This is definitely where I’m at, but I think knowing what you like and having the confidence to state and keep those boundaries can take experience/wisdom/maturity.
I agree and it's in this area that we should focus our attention. Raise our children to be assertive and to be able to state their own needs and have boundaries - whatever they may be.

I'm not sure it's right to try and police what people do in bed and to say it's right or wrong based on what we like.

As long as each party is consenting freely and willingly and it's not illegal then it's up to them what they enjoy.

The best stats we have are from a BMJ article a few years ago (will look up ref when I get home). Three way split - about 1/3 of women report they enjoy anal, about 1/3 report it does nothing for them (what with lacking a prostate and the anus being a long way from the clitoris) and about a third find it painful and unpleasant.

The researchers also surveyed young men and their findings were most expected anal, most knew their partners were unlikely actively to want it and might well find it painful, but applied significant social and emotional pressure to get their partners to acquiesce.

Which is something of a damning indictment of young men. And sounds pretty much like your friend, OP.

Which is something of a damning indictment of young men.

Or a damning indictment of those surveyed - which may or may not have been a representative sample

..about 1/3 of women report they enjoy anal...

Isn't the OP's friend lucky then that all the women he had penetrated just happened to be from that 33%.

Really, really lucky.

Sarcasm smiley.

A friend of a friend got divorced a while back and started online dating for the first time ever.
She discovered anal sex for the first time, and her love for it, put she was interested in anal on her dating profile, and delighted in telling our group in detail about how much she loved it and was buying new toys and lubes and all sorts.
There's no way I'm going to tell her, actually you don't enjoy it, you're wrong.

Listening to the opinions of women tells me that neither of those sentences is true for everyone

As i said, I suggest these 'likes' arise from exposure & 'normalisation'; or from personal trauma of one sort or other. Sexual; activity becomes a way to re-play damaged relationships and lack of love. I'm not saying some women don't actively engage in these types of activity - but that they are not pursued out of any feelings of self worth. Quite the contrary.

Sexual activity is the channel people use to replay damaging and exploitative situations they have encountered