Anyone want to talk about men, women, and sex?

[PuertoVallarta]

I am trying to think through some ideas around sex and relationships. I apologize if my ideas are not that clear. I suppose that’s why I need help.

Was talking with a male friend who told me all the women he’s been with have enjoyed anal sex. And I said, “You don’t know that. Of course they’re going to act like they like it. They know they have to like it.” He was surprised and very hurt. I felt bad for casting doubt on his previous relations. I had no proof that these women were faking it, just because I myself can’t imagine anyone liking it.

But I do believe in my heart of hearts that women know they have to like sex stuff unquestioningly. On one hand, because we don’t want to hurt men’s feelings. On another hand, because we love men and we enjoy our relationships and we don’t want to lose them over something silly.

And I also believe that men don’t really consider women’s feelings in the same way. Instead of going along because they are scared of hurting us, the vast majority of men will harbor a growing resentment toward a female partner who denies them certain sex acts that they want.

When I asked the people around me, all I got was the same answer: “If one person wants to do something in the bedroom, and the other person doesn’t, then they are not sexually compatible. He shouldn’t pressure her. He should just leave her so they can both find someone they are compatible with.”

It is so depressing to me! Am I just being a control freak to think it’s unfair to ask women (almost all women, I think) to either give it up or be abandoned? Yes, I know nobody is entitled to a relationship. But I feel like this idea of “compatibility” is a result of women’s worth being tied to what we can provide sexually. A few days have passed since this discussion. My friend is still hurt by my comment, and I am sinking into a depression thinking about how this notion of “compatibility” might just be a way to keep women in line.

Perhaps my thinking is way off the mark. If anyone has time to share their own thoughts, it would be appreciated.

The plural of anecdote is of course anecdotes, not data, but nonetheless, given the prevalence of those of us in the 40+ age groups saying this was not common when we were young and shagging our way round the attractive young men of our acquaintance should surely raise the possibility that this is a line of enquiry worth pursuing - see for example this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3738176-We-Cant-Consent-to-this-choking-research

The question that always pops into my head is why, when we know that sexual violence against women is endemic in our society, that much of it happens within relationships, there are people who always come onto these threads trying to shut down any attempt to discuss issues at a class level rather than a "well this individual woman loves anal sex" level.

At least some women love it. At least some women hate it. At least some women who hate it report being coerced into it.

What social pressures come into this? It seems to me to be an interesting question to look into. And it seems to me suspicious that so many people online seem so deeply invested in dismissing the question out of hand.

Ok. Ruptured urethras, perforated bladders, objects lodged in the bladder, fractured penises, it was all going on

What percentage would you say were gay men/men, and what percentage women - at that time?

What percentage would you say were gay men/men, and what percentage women - at that time?

They were all men (because I worked on the male ward). None were gay men and none of the injuries, bar one, was self inflicted. They had occured as a result of the partner inserting objects into the urethra, and sometimes pushing too far into the bladder. The fractured penises were caused by enthusiastic bouncing by the female partner whilst on top.

You can ask any nurse or doctor who worked in A&E over the last 40 years. It was predominantly men who had an object lodged in the rectum.
Women tend to present with something lodged in the vagina, if its sex related.

Article about a survey of 1,000 people from 2010;
abcnews.go.com/Health/Sex/sex-related-injuries-common/story?id=10637541

Its all good clean fun in 2009;
"It's a totally new revolution and it's really exploded," Dunlap told ABCNews.com. "The Internet has changed everything. So many people can go online and say, 'This is me. I love this. I am finding like types.'"

And for those who think this phenomenon might encourage anti-social behavior, he counters, "I don't think anyone was really damaged or hurt by book or movie."
abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/story?id=6839410&page=1

that shit of a man went to prison for 3 years 8 months for manslaughter

And felt he had grounds for appealing that sentence.

I dont consider anal sex to be anymore extreme than PIV sex

I do. Unlike anal, PIV has never torn me nor left me bleeding.

At least some women love it. At least some women hate it. At least some women who hate it report being coerced into it.

What social pressures come into this? It seems to me to be an interesting question to look into. And it seems to me suspicious that so many people online seem so deeply invested in dismissing the question out of hand.
This is spot on.
There's a valid debate to be had about normalisation of different sexual practices on a big picture level, but that can be done without deciding (as sometimes happens) that no woman can actually enjoy X/Y/Z and they only like it because they've been conditioned etc.

I remember a slightly drunk discussion during uni where I found out one of my friends was really into BDSM. It's not my cup of tea at all, but I'd be a special sort of arse to tell her she must only enjoy it due to repressed experiences or because porn exists. Accepting her enjoyment and sexuality doesn't prevent me discussing concerns about the increase in normalising non consensual violence in porn etc.