Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

It seems it 2 steps forward, 3 steps back in trying to extricate ourselves from lives that were entwined with husbands who were lying to themselves and to us. Its taken me months and months to stop being the wife, helping, emotionally soothing and being the caretaker. I finally told him last week, that I am not responsible for his moods or happiness anymore and I am tired of walking on eggshells in case i say the wrong thing. He needs to be a big girl and stop the crying jags, take her anti-depressants and deal. I have to deal with a teenage girl in a 46 yr old body, and I am done with it. Its just too draining.

Now filing for legal separation is next step, and I think my anxiety about it is thinking, I would not be doing this if he had not transitioned. So I am being forced to do this and it hurts. I loved my husband very much, but he's gone. Wish I had support in person like the wonderful ladies here. Going to court to file is going to be truly awful.

Thank you for being here for us.

It seems it 2 steps forward, 3 steps back in trying to extricate ourselves from lives that were entwined with husbands who were lying to themselves and to us
How beautifully-put East.
And yes, we end up in a position where we have to make a choice, but we didn't choose this in the first place. It is heartbreaking to walk away from a man and a marriage when the rules change, and the whole partnership is based on a lie.
I do hope you have some real-life support to get you through this.
Couldn't agree more that it would be great to be able to see each other, share a drink, talk, have a hug (if you're that way inclined), not feel alone with this. But you are not alone; we're here for you.
Good luck with the next step. You need to start to think about what you want, and your own health and sanity.

@EastCoastTranswidow

Now filing for legal separation is next step, and I think my anxiety about it is thinking, I would not be doing this if he had not transitioned.

While my story isn't the same as yours, it was my decision to leave because of the abuse I was subjected to before the transition. I'm the same age as you, my experiences were long ago, but I still live with the trauma today.

If you can access counseling, then please do so as this was something I failed to do and my mental health ultimately deteriorated because I put myself last to others. I thought I would be OK, I wasn't.

Your priority is you first, then your child, because if you can't look after yourself, you won't be able to help your child cope with the change either. HUGS - Sending you lots of love and strength.

Not usually a fan of motivational quotes but I thought this was worth sharing on here.

" we end up in a position where we have to make a choice, but we didn't choose this in the first place. It is heartbreaking to walk away from a man and a marriage when the rules change, and the whole partnership is based on a lie. "

I believe this is what makes the break up more difficult. Although they have essentially voided the marriage contract when they declare they are no longer men and our husbands, they continue to believe we should continue to see ourselves as their wives. They declare they are "the same person" at the same time they declare they must become a different person to be themselves.

They should have the courage of their convictions. They should understand that for us their new gender status is a deep wound, and realize, as well, that as they are changing the terms of the marriage they should initiate divorce, with a generous settlement. Instead, they make it an issue of "support" and "acceptance," or simply assume from their ramped up feelings of entitlement that we are duty bound to stay with them. They ramp up the guilt and the blame and their own sense of victimhood.

Today I came across a man who contacted his ex to find out why she broke up with him several years ago.

She cushioned it, she was working and studying, not enough time was able to be spent with him and oh, you're turning into a girl, and I'm not into girls.

His subsequent comments were that he felt she was just making up excuses, some blokes responding in the thread said that yeah it must of been her issue. No one picked up on the comment that she made about him wanting to be a girl.

So I asked him directly, are you planning on being a girl, MTF, because the ex literally has told him that was the reason why she broke up with him. He said to me in response that as far as he was concerned he wasn't because he hadn't transitioned yet. So I asked him to clarify, and he said he hadn't transitioned yet, so he wasn't a girl.

So, I explained to him that if he intended to transition, then she had the decency to end it first, to minimise the harm to them both. Not really what I wanted to say, but it's FB, where I live is small, and this community doesn't tolerate GC feminism.

He totally didn't get the fact that just because he hasn't transitioned is irrelevant. No (straight) woman will be in a relationship with someone who wants to be a woman. I hate using the word straight, but I can't phrase it any other way.

Although they have essentially voided the marriage contract when they declare they are no longer men and our husbands, they continue to believe we should continue to see ourselves as their wives. They declare they are "the same person" at the same time they declare they must become a different person to be themselves.

YES 100%. I was called a liar, that I didn't mean my marriage vows b/c I will not continue a marriage when gender has changed yet, they say they are the same person underneath (so which is it?). And I am meant to stay married to a "woman" who is not sexually attracted to me, and wants to date men? It seems more for her benefit than mine, and I said as much. Its very selfish , and yes, this person has always been selfish, but this is going over a cliff selfish. But she needs my help in every which way, and I am supposed to feel ok about it all, b/c I am a "strong woman", and she is "emotionally fragile" ...its mind boggling sometimes to hear the convoluted bs that she comes up with.

Rettstar re "Today I came across a man who contacted his ex to find out why she broke up with him several years ago.

She cushioned it, she was working and studying, not enough time was able to be spent with him and oh, you're turning into a girl, and I'm not into girls."

You don't need to say but I'm getting the impression this was some sort of group on Facebook and it sounds like the man and the woman were both on it?

If so, I find it really horrible that anyone, male or female, would seek to question an ex boyfriend/girlfriend/partner on a forum/Facebook in front of others. If that is the case it is very selfish.

The only answer that woman owes that man is that she doesn't want to go out with him/live with him/be with him!

We may choose to say why, we might say the truth or a cushioning phrase like 'it's not you, it's me'

But at the end of the day, transitioning/ not transitioning/ thinking about transitioning/ not about transitioning etc etc, these may inform our choices but for me the choice to say why is still with the person who has done the breaking up.

Of course it is good for folks to know why relationships end, but it may be quite complex, and the danger of saying it is because of transitioning might be the partner says 'OK, I won't transition then' but that still will not put things back as they were.

I just find it really horrible that still in the 21st Century women, especially, need to have 'an acceptable' reason for choices they make primarily concerning themselves.

Ps I am not a trans widow so I cannot feel or know your situation. I do have a trans family member who is very dear to me but I don't know your situations. but I do want to offer a tiny bit of hope.

A friend who is in the same boat as some of you had found love again, late in life, and I am over the moon happy for her.

'...a tiny bit of hope.' I would be just as happy if she moved on without finding love but she seems to have which is good, so good for her.

Is there anyone here whose husband initiated the divorce? I suspect not. I think that's part of this syndrome too, that they expect us to stay even though the marriage is clearly dead. My ex had barely been present in our marriage for years, yet expected support from me while giving nothing in return.

@EastCoastTranswidow, please hang in there. You will get through this. There is a good life for you on the other side of it.

Good question Quinn. My ex entirely assumed I would stay. I put that down to his general self-delusion and self-absorption. To get to that point he had convinced himself of all manner of things anyway, over several years. Plus his oblivious disregard for the children and I meant I don't think he spent even a moment trying to imagine how we would feel. We were all extras in his egocentric drama, and given the degree of fantasizing that many of us saw our partners absorbed in, us all gathering round to accept and validate his new fantasy self was just part of the drama. It seems that men doing this focus entirely on their wishes and beliefs, so are quite shocked that the collateral damage don't do what was assumed. I divorced him and my kids shut him out of their lives. Most rational, realistic, loving people could imagine those risks and try to consider the needs of those around them, but I don't think many of our ex-partners showed that capacity for curiosity or empathy. Hence the delusional expectation that we'll all line up and join in.

I think maybe this is a mental illness of delusion. I really do. My daughter's ex boyfriend could NOT understand why she was not ready to "line up and join in," as Social said. After he dropped the bombshell, she was very quiet and withdrawn with him while she tried to process it. He was just happy as a lark, finally free of his secret. All was well! He had told her and now they could live happily ever after in this strange alternate reality. He would ask her what was wrong. It just did not occur to him that he created a problem for her!

I still look at some of the trans videos on Youtube and really I just need to stop and move on because no matter how much I try, I'm not going to understand it. But, there is a common thread of delusion with these men. They really, really think they look like women. Granted, some of them do. If they start early enough and are already relatively feminine, some do pass quite well. But those who don't just look ridiculous and everyone in the comments cheers them on. It's like the emperor has no clothes.

Also... I can't talk about this with my daughter because she doesn't want to discuss it anymore and that is okay. I am glad she has moved on. But the experience left some scars with me. I'm not sure it's entirely because he was trans. It's just that I really loved the kid and was good to him. Yet he ridiculed me and spoke badly of me to my daughter and we started to have relationship problems. It really affected me and I find myself afraid to be around her new boyfriend. When she told me he liked me and wanted to come in and talk to me while my she was getting ready, something inside me didn't believe it.

Whatcanyoudo, that's why this online support group is so important. Because we need people to talk about this with, for however long we need it. I have too many people in my life who are well-intentioned but don't understand how long it takes to recover from something like this.

Thank you, Quinn. My daughter is 17 so of course she is at that age where she can’t imagine how things impact me as well. She rolls her eyes and says it wasn’t MY relationship so it had nothing to do with me. Yet it affected me more than even I realize, if that makes sense.

Whatcanyoudo1, I wonder if you're partly in the horrors about how awful it would have been if your daughter had gone along with it and how you wouldn't have had any control over it? Whereas it's over and done with for her.

That could be the case, Tinsel. And I'm still shaken by the fact that what we both saw as reality and truth for a year and a half was a lie the entire time. It makes me question whether it can happen again.

There's a woman in my local women's support group whose spouse has recently "come out" as trans. He's your typical middle aged AGP: STEM degree, long career, military background, long marriage and lots of kids, porn addiction apparently and now at 52 he's Tiffany. Everyone is falling all over themselves to congratulate them and to fawn over the person - complimenting the wig, the makeup, the dresses etc and I just feel weird about it. They've now invited Tiffany to the group and I, with my trans widow background, am extremely uncomfortable. And it's sad because I've known these women and their kids for 13 years! They don't know the history of my divorce though. (If they did, they'd probably call me transphobic for not supporting my then "wife".)

on the delusion aspect of the trans thing

My father was bipolar and paranoid. He had delusions that he was under surveillance, that there were people inside the house and following him everywhere. Eventually he killed himself.

Twenty years later, my ex began to exhibit behavior and to say things that reminded me of nothing so much as my father when he was in the grip of his own delusions.

There were times I wondered if I was the crazy one, because I couldn't believe that I was experiencing the same kind of thing twice in one lifetime.

Walked, I am so sorry for these losses in your life!

This young man was also paranoid and secretly tapes conversations. There just has to be a connection. Maybe one day the medical and psychological professions will figure this out and people will receive real help but for now it seems the world is happy to play along in the delusion. I don't see that changing any time soon, if ever.

Have you been able to offer support to the woman @anonymousLangFan ?

I just wanted to say again how brave you women are and how sorry I am you have had to live through these hard things.

Hi everyone...greeting from USA. Unfortunately I have similar problem with my marriage now when I found out my husband secret about his gender dysphoria that he try to hiding from me

I don't know if this is the correct forum to post to, and if it isn't, please let me know where I should go.

I am married to my husband of 12 years, we have 2 kids together.

I met him when he was 15, I was 14. We started dating seriously when we were 17/16.

I learned about his crossdressing slowly. I found out that he enjoyed wearing panties. I was a little surprised, but ok with it, and it was included in our sex life.

He revealed more feminine sides of himself, as time went on, but nothing "extreme".

I asked him once, before we got married, if he was gay. (I now understand that most crossdresser aren't.) He assured me he was straight.

After marriage, the crossdressing escalated. He got into the "pink fog" I guess. He started wearing lingerie and full outfits sometimes.

A handful of times I helped him dress up, did his makeup, nails, he put a wig and heels. I taped him dancing to music etc. I wanted to badly to accept him for who he is. But the truth is I felt sick to my stomach. Like I didn't even know who he was. And fundamentally turned off.

Things continued to escalate sexually. Wearing panties during sex wasn't so bad. But what was, was the boredom on his face unless we were including his crossdressing or feminine persona.

Unless I was on top, with his legs spread, and me grinding on him, taking dirty referring to him as a girl, he just wouldn't be into it.

Beyond being a complete turn off for me, and having to "muscle" through it. It also hurt. I wanted to be desired during sex, as a woman. And not just used as a prop for his identity fantasy.

I should have said something more....but I wanted to be accepting....I wanted to make him happy. And I'm not good at setting sexual boundaries, partly due to being abused as a child. I think some of these experiences triggered past trauma as well.

The feeling of being a prop intensified when pegging was introduced....especially watching him get so much enjoyment out of performing fellacio on a literal prop, that wasn't even really part of me. It made me feel sick. And completely inadequate.

I would cry afterward sometimes. He has admitted now that he knew this at the time. And just didn't want to face it.

A couple years ago I left him for about 4 months. During that time he purged everything. And said he was done. (I know better than that, I know it can't be wished away)

After getting beck together, over the last coupe of years, it's been creeping back in. Cause I want to say yes...I want accept him for him....but then it strikes a nerve again, and I backtrack, which isn't fair to him either.

We've kept it separate from sex. But I feel like I'm just not attracted to him at all.... And maybe it's all the femininity? I'm naturally attracted, very strongly, to masculinity, and though he tries, that just isn't him. Having sex with him feels like going through the motions, which I'm sure he can sense. And I'm sure that hurts.

In the past he swore up and down that he couldn't possibly be attracted to men, which he now admits that he was fooling himself, and is in fact bi. He also tells me that he doesn't feel that he's transgender (and even if he was I don't think he'd dare to transition --his family and many of his friends are not the accepting kind). But he spends a lot of his spare time looking at transgender before and afters. Maybe just to "get a fix", ya know? But I worry about what else he is fooling himself about. It's what he mostly talks about. He sends me memes about it all day....has he not noticed that I don't respond?

He said to me today that he thinks his sex drive is higher than mine. He has no idea....how incredibly sexually repressed I feel. How often I look at porn when he's gone. I told him that the stuff he sends me turns me off. He looked like that hurt him. And he didn't say anything else....

I don't want to be the wife that doesn't even let her CDing husband talk to her about it. But everytime he does lately....I start crying. I have feelings of resentment.

I find myself looking at other men a lot. I feel trapped, and incredibly lonely. These feelings add massive guilt on top of it all.

I fantasize about divorce, and it makes me feel like a shitty person. He's a good husband otherwise. He's a fantastic father. I love him in so many ways....but not sexually.

I simply don't know where to go from here. I'm not going to do anything stupid like cheat, or leave for another guy that I barely know. I don't want to hurt my kids....But I feel like I can't go on like this.

I read a story today about a young gay man, who was raised in Mormonism, finely being able to be attracted to who he was naturally attracted to, without guilt. This made me burst into uncontrollable sobs. I feel like it's all coming to a head.

Thanks for the long read. Any advice would be extremely appreciated.