Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

Wow. That video was so cringe worthy. It was ALL about superficial stuff. Anyone who does not see this as a fetish is delusional. Seriously.. I don’t even bother to put on makeup or fix my hair when I can get away with it. That relationship would exhaust me. And isn’t it every woman’s dream to be their husband’s bodyguard in public restrooms? Oh yes! It’s living the dream for sure!

I'm assuming there won't be a follow up video about the cons of having a trans "wife".

I stumbled onto their Facebook page from that video. It is all about the true woman validating her husband whose now her wife. It’s always about how beautiful “she” is and how happy “she” now is. It’s really like the inmates running the asylum!! It’s true of all these men transitioning later in life though. It’s all about who can validate them.

I will admit I’ve Facebook stalked some of the people my soon to be ex has become friends with. It’s ridiculous what they constantly talk about. One who was upset that a video for work posted online got them nasty comments. I know I’ve gotten nasty comments in my life, but it didn’t ruin me. One spoke about their daughters slumber party and how happy they were that the girls asked them to join in. They wrote how wonderful it was to have a slumber party they never had growing up. Every picture is to be validated in how “beautiful” they are. Do their friends actually believe that or do they just think they are being a good person by validating? One talking about how wonderful heels are to help turn on hard to reach computer buttons. It’s so disturbing and shows a pattern of mental health issues.

I wish we could all just tell the truth of you look like a man in a dress and you look awful! You are not beautiful and never will be! Wearing makeup, heels, dresses and bras are not what makes a woman! I don’t want to be labeled a bad person but I also don’t want to be a liar!

I found that video very sad.

It's been pointed out to me that they have a website. They look to be trying to monetise the whole thing in the style of Amanda Jette Knox and family.

I tried to write my experience down today with my ex and I found I was unable to commit it and save it.

I am wonering if now because I have accepted that my parents were shit parents, and the trauma counseling has helped me manage my anxiety, if my brain is now pointing to the ex experience and wants me to deal with it.

I am being assessed next counseling session to see if I need more counseling (yes would be the answer) but I also have Uni counseling I use as a back up. I know I am more together, but that's because I've been practicing the self care concept. The news in Australia this week has been horrendous with a woman and her 3 kids murdered by her ex. She experienced DV similar to me, no physical violence, but financial, social, sexual, emotional, psychological abuse / intimidation. So I'm a tad triggered by it all.

I've been on a friend's FB exchanging views with a man who really thinks that my friend is a bigot because she doesn't believe in transwomen being women. She's gender critical. The guy called for evidence which I supplied him, then I told him to google "transwidows" or look on twitter and he'd see there's a host of women who have suffered at the hands of these AGP people. He ignored it all of course.

sigh.

Rettstar please look after yourself.

You don't need to be responsible to random people on Facebook, friends of friends or even actual friends. It's not your job to convince them that trans women are not actually women.

Hi Rettstar, I agree with Italian. You are wasting your time arguing with these entitled males. You will never persuade them of the error of their ways as their only concern is to silence us troublesome women. Be kind to yourself and reserve your energies for looking after yourself. Their ignorant beliefs are not your problem and it is not your responsibility to educate them, even if they were willing to listen.

All the best

Rett if you want to write about it, just write about a part of it that you feel comfortable writing about. Don't feel like you have to do it all at once.

Rettstar, I agree with Tinsel. Write about one specific event if you think it can help. I struggle with the same thing where my mind just becomes a jumbled mess! Do what you need to do for you and no one else.

Journaling has helped me a lot.

Hello all

Thank god I found this site. Its almost 2 years since my world shattered and my husband said he was a woman (in a mans body) and had to transition. Its been a steep learning curve from that day, and unfortunately I will be filing for separation in the next few weeks.
I did not agree to being married to a woman, am not a lesbian and just cannot deal with the constant ups and downs, emotional breakdowns, talk of self harm etc. He knew he was trans when he married me, but I had not a clue. I knew there was something wrong, since our sex life was crap, but I think I was scared to ask what it really meant.

We have now been married 12 years, he/she is british and I am american. No children.

My husband had full bottom surgery in October 2019 and of course, who was there to hold her hand? And now I am having panic attacks at the thought of living alone and starting again at the age of 51 .

I feel like an idiot bc I am very kind and caring to those I love, but I feel
this is taking way too much advantage of my empathy. He has mental health issues; impulsive, depression, inability to keep a job. I supported him for 18 months of being out of work and alcoholism.

Reading this thread has made me realise, there are many women in my shoes. The compulsion to buy even more lingerie and girlie stuff is nuts to me. Has not saved anything for future and she lives in guest room, can't afford to move out. I will have to pay her $ via refinancing mortgage to get her out of the house.

I can't believe I am in this position.

EastCoast, I'm sorry for what you've been through and for what's ahead. I hope you have good legal counsel and supportive friends and family.

I do think you'll find your life is much better once you're no longer responsible for someone like your husband. I know I certainly did. But it was a rough several years, divorcing and restarting my life in my 50s. Now, though, I'm very glad I did.

One unexpected benefit was that my personal finances are so much better, now that the person with no sense of fiscal responsibility doesn't have access to my money anymore.

I am holding back on hiring an attorney since the minimum retainer fee is 1K. I can file for legal separation on my own, just pay the court fee. When I think of how much money was spent supporting my husband thru his rehab and several months-long unemployment, I really just shake my head.

Some of the family are supportive, and all my friends are. But unfortunately, my brother and his uber religious wife won't talk about it, and just think I need to divorce asap. Its just not that easy....

One spoke about their daughters slumber party and how happy they were that the girls asked them to join in.

Ew, good grief, how weird?! I can't believe any adult would hijack their daughter's event. How wildly inappropriate.

EastCoastTranswidow I am sorry this all sounds so hard. I'm Assuming you are k the US?

Please be careful you don't lose out in the divorce. I'm glad you gave some support. You-'ve tried hard buy it's not worked out. You can hold your head up high that you are a very caring person but just do not want to be married to this person anymore.

Omg that video! The perkiness! The excitement! Far out, who is like that? I don't really wear make-up and shopping is not an activity I'd classify as a fun day out. I don't want pink hair either, I'm just a big standard middle aged woman who wants a fella 😕

That should have read bog standard (though I am kinda big😂😂)

Hi EastCoastTranswidow.

I remember how frightening it was planning to leave. I thought I'd never manage on my own.

But honestly things are so much easier once you've left, even the difficult things, because you're in control of your own life (and finances!)and not being dragged along on somebody else's journey.

I know lawyers are expensive, but I'd caution you against doing without one altogether, in case your husband manages to rip you off in some way. He's likely to pull out all the stops to guilt trip you once he realises you really mean it.

Welcome Eastcoast; you're quite right that the experiences of women on these threads are horribly familiar and repetitive.
I hope you can find the energy to get organised and make a plan to get out of this marriage with as much financial security intact as possible.
The worst part is the bombshell, its aftermath, finances and divorce. I promise you that the bit afterwards - being alone and starting again in your 50s - is nothing by comparison. And while daunting,scary and lonely, it is completely liberating to be in charge of your own life, home and finances again. You are still an intact, valuable and competent person; these relationships rob us of our self-esteem, and confidence in our judgement, but you will be fine if you decide to leave. A lot of us have been through it and come out the other side. Keep us posted and we're thinking of you.

Argh! I have been reading and keeping up with everyone but I step back from posting as so many of you seem to have so much more experience and wiser words than I do. I had said what feels like ages ago that I would leave 'D'h in March. I was considering moving that back to May. I find the idea of staying difficult but the idea of leaving almost equally so. He has, to my knowledge, not actively cd in nearly a year but, thanks to the many stories on here, I have always thought that he is is an extended purge period. He says he can/will give it up forever blah, blah, blah and for now it has made life much easier for it to appear I believe him. We haven't had a physical relationship in months and he was asking me about getting it back and he said I shouldn't worry about the CD as it's 'under control'. This made me suspicious and, yes, when I've checked his phone he has been looking at CD stuff. I don't even know why I'm upset. I think it's because previously he was lying that he'd never do it again but tbf I think he believed the lie, now he's just baldly lying. The strain of it all it getting to me. My counselor asked what it is I really want. I want my husband back as he was 12 months ago and for all this shit to not be real. Clearly that is never going to happen though. Day to day we get on fine and I find the thought of us separating heart breaking for the DC but I can't maintain this facade much longer.

My apologies for the rambling. I just needed to put 'pen to paper'. I'm having a bad day and know you'll understand.

@Toomanytears, please just take care of yourself as best you can. There are no good options here, just whatever you can live with.

BTW, I also went through the "you're lying to yourself and then to me by extension" to just the "yes, you're just lying and you know you're lying." Once he hit that phase, it was much easier for me to make the decision to leave.

Too, in my experience, once the trust is gone, the rest of the relationship is like when the chicken carries on running around the farmyard after its head has been cut off.

If setting a time limit hasn't helped you, would it work better to consider what your red line is in terms of his actions? Mine was exDH deciding to transition, and getting the go ahead from the GIC to do so. In retrospect I should have left much earlier, but at the time it was important to me that I knew that I'd seen the marriage through to its conclusion and tried everything I could.

If you think this approach might work, don't tell him what the red line is necessarily though as it just will give him more incentive to lie about it.

The downside of this approach was that I only just left with my health and sanity intact.

Leaving is hard and you'll get no judgement here for it taking however long it takes. Life afterwards though is so much easier.

tears we always want to hear from you so don't ever feel your posts are not interesting or important or valid. Everyone is finding their way through this as best they can. Sounds like identifying what you want, and knowing you want the impossible -this never having happened - is the start of thinking about what you want that is possible. It's a process. It was easy for me as my ex was unambivalent, unapologetic, unmoved by my pain and unwilling to compromise or even wait. So it was relatively easy for me to know I couldn't stay. Your situation is greyer and it sounds like aspects of staying with him are okay day-to-day. So of course you're stuck. Im glad you have counselling and hope it's helpful.

Thank you. I'm feeling better today. I'm sorry so many women have been through this but it is nice to have a small corner of the world where I can speak openly and be understood. Thank you again.