Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

Welcome Daneronan; it sounds as if you have only recently found out about this. Many of us found the discovery devastating and shocking. You will probably need to take some time to work out what you want to do. Do you want to stay? Does he want to transition? How do you feel about it? You will find support here.

And hello Travy. Your sounds an awful situation and very familiar to other stories here.
Lots of women have struggled to set boundaries around this kind of behaviour, as many of us have been desperate to keep the marriage together at all costs, and to make our partners happy.
Trouble is, you're becoming more distressed and miserable.
I note that you left him previously which must have taken guts, and given him a clear message about your limits.
The recurring 'creep' of these behaviours is also very common here; and many women are turned off by sex with a man in women's underwear (I concluded I was more likely to become a lesbian than sleep with my husband dressed as a 'woman').
You certainly could start by setting some boundaries about day-to-day behaviour (for example, if he was an alcoholic, you would eventually set some agreements/limits) such as the memes.
What do you want? It doesn't sound as if he is going to change, and you may have to decide whether to stay with a cross-dresser, who might do this privately and not as part of your sex life (with the obvious negative effect on your sex life), and doesn't involve you in it as it is too distressing. Or you leave again.
Many of us left because we could not tolerate the behaviour and did not believe it would change.
If you stay, it needs to be with some sort of agreement between you about behaviour and boundaries, I imagine.
Could you go to counselling alone or together?
You face a difficult decision but it sounds as if these are your choices. We are here.

@Daneronan2

This is a safe space to share your experiences, I am sure you've read the various posts. We do know what you're going through. There's no judgement, just love and acceptance. You're not wrong, you know what's going on, don't be gaslit

@Travy007

Hey hun, glad you are here. There's so much support, in this group, love, empathy. You're not alone. Whatever decision you make, must be for you and your children and not him.

Secondly, didn't know what pegging was, googled, now I do. So I can now at that to the list of things I was made to do by my ex.

What you describe is similar except that my ex at no point, told me he was transgendered. Sex was something I did to keep him from being angry with him, I felt I was a masturbation tool.

You need counseling, not just to deal with what is happening right now, but how you are more than likely traumatised you'll need help to work through it.

I'm so glad you women are here (everyone on this board!) and am so sorry for the horror your are going through. I have found myself in the anger stage again. I don't think I've read one post in which someone did not love her husband. My daughter loved her boyfriend, dearly. I just want to know why. WHY? Why would you do this to another person? I greatly fear this happening to her again and it's probably irrational but I can't seem to help it. I used to tell my girls not to date anyone in the theatres they are involved in because so many of these men are gay and haven't admitted it to themselves yet. Before all of this, I had never heard of manly AGP men and would never dream that a "real man" would ever do something like this.

I wish all of you the best and hope you find comfort here!

Some musings from my recent involvement with the Freedom Programme.

The Freedom programme teaches that when men control women through dominating behaviour, this comes about not from them being triggered by outside factors (stress, provocation etc) but because of their beliefs. These beliefs are generally about the place of men and women in society and the rights that they believe men have over women. It's highly unlikely that the Dominator's behaviour will change because his beliefs are unlikely to change.

Any apparent changes in his behaviour are generally just a tactic - a woman tires of the behaviour, so either leaves or threatens to leave, the Dominator may then change his behaviour as a temporary measure to draw the woman back. This then re-establishes the "rules of the game" which are based on his beliefs, so the change in behaviour is only temporary. Why would his behaviour change permanently when
A- it's based on his beliefs which he thinks are right
B- you've proved you'll tolerate the behaviour by coming back?

You can probably see where I'm going with this.

If a man cross dresses or believes he has a female gender identity or is AGP, these are the beliefs that cause his abusive behaviour (lying, secrecy, cross dressing AGP sexual abuse).

These beliefs are also based around women and men's role in society- he'd rather play what he believes to be the women's role.

He believes he has a need and a right to do this.

When we are still in these relationships we spend a lot of time wondering, "will he stop"?

But he will never stop as long as his behaviour aligns with his beliefs. Any cessation is a temporary tactic to get us back into our role as wife or facilitator or prop, or beard.

So my conclusion is that "will he stop?" is always the wrong question. The right question is always "Is this how I want to spend my life?". If it is then fair enough. If it isn't you're really only likely to change your own life by leaving and staying away for good.

I'd be interested to know if this rings any bells for women here?

The is the "rules of the game" cycle.

That's fascinating, Tinsel.

I must stress the second half is my theory, not the Freedom Programmes!

Welcome Daneronan. Welcome Travy.

I'm not an actual trans widow but they let me pop on here and read the amazing stories of strength and achievement.

I do also have a tra s family member (young person born female) and friends - trans woman and wife, so i try to read here to understand more.

Just wanted to say what Tinsel said was totally right IMHO. The question is how long is this OK for you. I really think that's a better qurstion than why, IMHO.

Whatcanyoudo I'm a mum too, to a teen almost as old as your daughter (I think). So I totally get why you are so concerned for your dd.

But I also am not sure you will get an answer to 'why' some men feel like they are women/want to be womem etc.

From what I see (based on what I believe) it's to do with stereotypes around what it means to be a man or a woman. For some 'gender' dysphoria seems to be actual sex (biological body) dysphoria. For some it's a sexual thrill, but why?

I just hope you can make peace that your daughter has escaped a life of walking on egg shells etc. You'll probably never know exactly why but I hope it won't rob you of peace now.

I found my husband strange behavior last year after our 2nd baby was born, he went to therapys he said for his addicting of phone cause I always mad he spent to much on phone but later on I found out it's not that kind of therapy but kinda some gender identity therapy.

Related current thread.

The man I fell in love with wanted to be a woman - newspaper column www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3848489-The-man-I-fell-in-love-with-wanted-to-be-a-woman-newspaper-column

Travy,
I'm 18 months out from divorcing my cross-dressing, trans-declaring ex, two years from moving out. So much of what you describe, from his lack of feeling for and consideration of you, in bed and out, to your sexual frustration and barely-acknowledged aversion to him when he's pretending he's not male (which makes you feel guilty), to your heartfelt desire to "accept" him and keep your marriage intact, is my story as well.

You have no reason to feel guilty about either your actions or your feelings. What you are feeling is normal, and, in fact, at a very deep level you recognize several truths about your husband and your marriage: he is uninterested in being your husband; he is uninterested in fulfilling you sexually while expecting you to fulfill his sexuality; he is a man whose primary object of attraction is not you, but to himself when acting out his wish to impersonate "woman."

That you are here, and that you have realized that this situationI won't call it a "marriage," because in all real respects it isn'tis untenable, is a step forward. You have a lot more steps to take before you are free of him, and getting free of him is your only chance for a normal life. Getting physically away, emotionally detaching, getting legal advice about divorce, seeing a therapist: these are all ways you can help yourself.

Travy,

PS: He's not a fantastic father. A father's main obligation is to love, honor, and cherish his children's motherhis wife. Secondarily it's to establish for his children a safe, loving, and stable homewhich necessarily involves the first.

There's this women I used to watch on youtube, her and her ex partner. I kept thinking he may be gay but turned out he wants to be a ''woman''. I have never seen such a narcissistic guy on youtube, now he has his own new channel with another transgender person and he sits there all smug going on and on about himself. I think the woman is in denial, she had him on her channel for the first time in 2 years a few weeks ago and it was obvious he done it to get viewers to come over to his channel! It's so typical. I don't think anyone else watching either channel realises it but I do.

On their old channel, he would pull away from her when she tried to touch or hug him as if he was repulsed by her. He hit her with a nerf gun and a bottle of water. He was often condescending to her. She was always buying him expensive gifts like camera equipment and games consoles and in return she'd get something like a keyring.

I'm sick and tired of men like this being praised for being 'brave and stunning'. They're being praised for the narcissism.

And the ridiculous part of it all, they are simply performing 'feminine' stereotypes that the patriarchy originally set up for us bio females to be like. It makes me laugh but it mostly makes me sick.

Anyway, she is a trans widow and it is very very sad because she has been betrayed.

Oh yes, I almost forgot, he claims he is a ''lesbian''.

@Travy007 I'm sorry to read about your situation and cannot imagine the hell it must be to live like that. I think you know yourself it will never change, this is him, he's showing you his real self. You do need to decide what will make you happy. He doesn't sound like a nice man or father to me!

Thank you for reaching out, Italian.. you are very sweet. For the most part I am at peace and just relieved it ended when it did. Other times I have my moments of sadness because I really liked her bf and was friends with his mom. That friendship had to fade away after the breakup. My issue of "WHY" is not so much why these men are the way they are. My issue is why do they enter into relationships when they know they are this way? Her boyfriend had over a year to tell her he thought of their relationship as a lesbian one. He had over a year to tell her he was a woman. I cannot even imagine a marriage with kids with this secret going on! It is just so wrong to do this!

Whatcanyoudo I think the other woman here would have a better idea of why these men hide what's going on.

But I'd imagine there are lots of reasons like wanting to have the relationship and knowing that opening up about what was going on might end the relationship.

Like any deceiver or abuser they know that if they are honest with their target they'll not get a first date, much less a relationship.
Their world view is one of entitlement as a result of social conditioning.
There is even a film genre celebrating men who deceive and live double lives, that does its very best to emotionally manipulate us to relate to them, the deceivers, instead of the friends and family they are deceiving.

I am so sorry.
I would hug you all if I could.

www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/a55453/crossdressing-husband/

Lots of familiar stuff here.

Very interesting article.

I read that a couple of years ago when I was trying to understand all of this. It’s so disturbing how clueless these men are to anyone but themselves.

I’m having a lot of anxiety with the world falling apart and the fact my soon to be ex hasn’t even asked if the kids are ok and if they need anything. I’m sure he’s busy since he’s military but you’d think he’d want to make sure his kids have what they need. You’d think so, especially after cutting support money by almost 1/3 and not giving me any tax return money from the returns he electronically signed my name to. I expected more from him to at least provide for his kids. I’ve talked to my lawyer and the only thing I can do is sue him. This also happened at the same time a leak happened in the house I’m in and we were about to sell and now have to have the floors fixed. I also found out about mold in our air ducts last week. It’s just beyond overwhelming and I’m struggling!

I hope all of you are doing better than I am and staying safe in this chaos.