Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

im going to put a trigger warning here for sexual assault, just in case

back here again. you are the only people who really understand. it's been a year since my agp ex and i broke up and i'm going to be 18 in ten days. i've been very busy with my new boyfriend and school but while i'm supposed to be studying i'm beginning to think about all of the abuse over again. not just from him - i was assaulted by a close friend of his. initially my ex was mad - his friend had 'made a pass at me'. i was stunned and fell into a stockholm syndrome situation with his friend, where i was responsible for comforting his guilt for sexually assaulting me. they're still friends, right now. as soon as they had both met their sexual needs by using me they discarded me. not to mention immediately after i was sexually assaulted by his FRIEND, my ex decided that he had now just been sexually assaulted (a doctor examined his penis. that's what happened). just to take the horrible fucking attention of being sexually assaulted off of me. and i assume they just act like i never happened. its hard to feel like a person nowadays, when for so long i was just an object for a deluded man to place his confusion upon and for his best friend to manipulate.
thank you guys for letting me know i'm not alone

Sorry to hear that KitKat; yes he may be busy right now but I suspect you know this is just part of the ongoing pain of many exs in this position focussing solely on themselves. Mine lied about money, and doesn't provide as expected or promised for his kids. It genuinely bewilders me how they cannot be a priority; however I sadly reflect that probably they never were in his life, as his secret ran for years. The money thing is really hard to let go; I support us and myself with minimal from him, but it really rankles when I see him spending money on his new (amusingly ludicrous) hobby, clothes, shoes etc. Non-cooperation leading to having to sue someone when it's costly, uncertain, and you are overwhelmed by daily life anyway, is just enraging. Not helped by how most of us are feeling day-to-day at the moment. Hang on in there. You - and we - will get through this.
And Something, it is just more inability to genuinely care for or prioritize others, by the sound of your ex. His needs came and come first, even when you are most vulnerable. Sorry to hear it's preoccupying you. Can you talk to anyone?

somethingawful that is so terrible and evil. Please can you access some counselling. You need to work to rebuild your self esteem You do matter. You are important. You are going, yoir while life ahead of you. You can come through this. You really are worth so much more.

Please get professional advice. Your experience us an evil bastatd for staying friends with someone who assaulted you.

The ex's 'friend's is evil for the assault and for gas lighting you into 'helping' his guilt.

"i was stunned and fell into a stockholm syndrome situation with his friend, where i was responsible for comforting his guilt for sexually assaulting me." You must get professional help for this, please.

Sorry Typos! "You are young, your while life ahead of you.

Your ex is an evil bastatd for staying friends with someone who assaulted you.

At this time of crisis when many women are going to be locked in with their abusers, this thread could be an important resource.

Stay safe all x

Coercive Control: a need for better awareness. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3452784-Coercive-Control-a-need-for-better-awareness

I just can't imagine putting forth the effort to try again with someone new. And I really don't trust my judgement any more.

Exciting new website announcement!

New Transwidows website: Trans Widows Voices
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3856287-New-Transwidows-website-Trans-Widows-Voices

I would love all the women here to contribute. Please do get in touch if you would like to.

Some of the stories in there are from women who have posted in this thread but I'm not going to credit them unless they ask me to.

www.transwidowsvoices.org/

Awesome job on the website, Tinsel!!

I usually don't think of transmen in the same way as transwomen because by nature I think of women as more empathetic. But someone on a theatre facebook group asked for donations for her top surgery that is scheduled next month. First of all, good luck having that done during a time like this. And secondly, what?? People are out of work, local businesses are in danger... and you are asking for donations for that?

I also saw on article where trans people are complaining that their surgery is not considered "essential" at this time. Well, it's not! My friend's son was scheduled for colon surgery. He is gravely ill right now, yet they sent him home! THAT is what I consider essential.

Tinsel I read your story on the site. I knew bits of it but I did feel a great deal of sympathy for you. Huge virtual hugs at this time.

I'd have loved to have done it without including my own story but that didn't seem reasonable!

I hope any women still in these relationships are doing OK with the current forced proximity to their partners x

My story is up there and it was cathartic to write.

I usually write better, but due to covid, my usual counseling session had to be cancelled as they couldn't bill correctly for a remote / phone session.

It's an ugly story, it makes me feel sick, but I feel better for putting it down. Still need to talk to the counselor about it, but at least it's written down with the things I remembered at the time.

I do encourage others to put their story up there, the more of us there are, the less we can be ignored.

Thanks so much for your contribution @Rettstar

@TinselAngel no, not really coping greatly over here.

I think if my soon to be ex was trying to win an award for the most narcissistic asshole award he’d have a real shot of winning. I was served with court papers today. He’s taking me to court for custody, child support, equitable distribution and divorce. Basically his suit makes it sound like I’m a lazy squatter and haven’t been a willing party in all this. I’m somewhat amazed at how big of an ass he truly is! In the middle of a pandemic and after cutting support payments on a whim it just shows what kind of person he is. He also wants me to cover his attorney fees and pay him back child support since he thinks he’s been paying more than he should since separation. He’s a piece of work!

I’m hanging in there and I’m ready to just be done with his crap! I just really don’t want my kids to have to spend half their time with him and all his crap if he gets the custody arrangement he wants. I know the dressing and living as a woman will ramp up the second he retires from the military. I just want my kids to have a say and for them to feel safe.

I hope all of you are safe and healthy. As the pastor of my church said, “we’re all in the same storm, but in different boats”. I know we are all facing challenges in different ways and I truly hope you are all ok.

Sorry to hear that CoffeeSonata do share here if you feel that it would help.

KitkatX4 , I think there's a lot of bored narcissists out there looking for supply at the moment and your ex is probably one of them.

How old are your kids? Are they old enough to have an opinion about where they spend their time? You wouldn't think a judge would look particularly favourably in how he's kicking off about child support.

Yes and no, I think a judge can take their wishes into consideration. They’re 11, 14, and 16. I don’t know how I’m supposed to force them especially my teenage son who’s huge! He’s even taller than his dad. I spoke with my parents and they suggested I try to settle out of court and give him the house in exchange for $15,000. He could get a lot more out of it if the market recovers after all this. I also told my lawyer to just give him 50/50 custody because I just want to be done. I feel a judge would give him that anyway. I also told my lawyer I wanted reasonable child support and alimony.

Emotionally I’m not in a good place after telling her that. I worry that I will screw myself and the kids by doing this. I don’t have a job currently and when this virus calms down I’ll be joining thousands looking for work. I’m scared! I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like I’m making the right choices, but I know I can’t keep spending thousands I don’t have on lawyers.

Sorry things are particularly hard Coffee and KitKat (I just realized how nice that sounds).
Any women going through this can do without other things going wrong; at the same time as my ex dropping his bomb, I had terrible problems at work. Followed by stressful issues with my home and money. Those of you further back in the process of dealing with your partners now have the virus. You are, women are, so strong and capable, and you will survive this. Certainly your kids' ages KitKat mean you won't have to navigate the contact issue for much longer as certainly in the UK, kind of 13-14 is the age where nobody is going to make kids do stuff they don't want. I was very fortunate that my kids were able to vote with their feet, so I didn't have to navigate that as those of you with younger children do. So hang on to that - it isn't long before they can decide what to do, and you can hopefully step back from negotiating on contact.
Regarding finances/housing... very hard I know. If you decide to make an offer on the house and contact, then yes, the deal is that you get decent financial support agreed. Sounds like the middle ground is to use your lawyer to try to settle out of court as you say; court is really costly.
He can have 50/50 contact but the chances of your older teens wanting to spend that time with him if he is dressing up, are rather slim as time goes on.
Just take it a day at a time. Not all the bad things you fear will happen, and you will manage the problems as they come along. And the virus is not forever.
But I'm thinking of all of you out there dealing with this crap at the same time as the pandemic. Keep your focus on your basic self-care and wellbeing, home, kids, and trying to plan for what you want and need. Those of us in a better position timeline-wise are thinking of you daily.

Kit, I don't know all of your circumstances but giving him the house sounds like a bad idea unless you don't want / need it?

This reminds me of something that happened to me after I left my ex and was equipping my new flat.

I went to IKEA with my friend and after getting most of what I needed, I was exhausted and overwhelmed and lost the will to live when it came to trying to pick lampshades. I said I'd just do without lampshades, but my friend wouldn't let me leave Ikea until I'd bought some. She insisted I deserved things looking nice.

I wonder if we need to stop you leaving the metaphorical shop because you're too exhausted, until you've tried to get an outcome that will work for you?

I'd urge you not to give in and settle for something that won't suit you and the kids, just to keep your ex quiet. I realise this has to be balanced against how much it will cost in lawyers fees, but also don't forget you can just say "no" to things and let him spend the money on lawyers if he's really bothered about them.

I hope my slightly tortured metaphor makes sense.

@KitkatX4, ditto what others have said. Please be careful of making short term financial decisions just to be done with this. I completely empathize with wanting to be done, but you'll be living with the court decision for years.

Really good podcast from Stella O Malley and Lisa Marchiano

t.co/3I1nRgLmxJ?amp=1

Thoughts going out to any women who are following this thread, stuck in lockdown with cross dressing husbands. Boundaries will be being pushed I expect.

How do you get them to leave? It's a bit role reversal for me, I work, I pay all the bills, I have nothing to lose. However, they don't want to move out because they want somwhete safe to tranistion, that universal credit isn't enough to live off, so can't move out. They now have the bed to themselves because I don't want to share with them. They just don't get it at all. The only blessing at the moment is that do far they have remained presenting as male whilst we are all stuck at home together.
I don't know what to do to get them to go.

Who owns the property, or if rented, whose name is in the tenancy?

It's a mortgage, both names on it, but he hasn't paid anything on it for years and years as he doesn't work, doesn't claim benefits. I have to sign a thing every year to say I am supporting them for the student loan company