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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Engagement rings

121 replies

Yeahsurewhatever · 02/08/2019 21:50

Light-hearted! but I'm just interested in your feelings on engagement rings? And if you didn't have one did you just have nothing? Or did you get each other something?

If we can put it aside from if you hate the institution of marriage anyway and I'm aware there's a ton of other sexist stuff within wedding traditions.
I just feel like getting an engagement ring feels a bit uncomfortable.

Why am I showing I'm 'claimed' - but he isn't.
Why is he paying out for something when everything else in our relationship is equal.
I also HATE the idea of people asking to see my ring and then judging my relationship, how loved I am, how much money my partner makes by how big the rock is.
Or even just celebrating how I've managed to get engaged, in a way non of my other achievements have been!

I mean, I dunno why this is my sticking point, I just feel a bit uncomfortable with it.

But equally, it's part of a ritual that is nice and bonding between partners, and officially sets us on a wedding planning oath etc. Plus who doesn't want a pretty gift...

OP posts:
popehilarious · 02/08/2019 21:54

This is an interesting read, as well as the piece linked therein:
www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/02/how-an-ad-campaign-invented-the-diamond-engagement-ring/385376/

Lettera · 02/08/2019 22:06

Abhorrent symbol of male possession and appalling waste of money.

CherrySocks · 02/08/2019 22:06

You could both have engagement rings. That's what we did. Not with a stone in.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 02/08/2019 22:10

Agree, and we didn’t have a ring. It surprised a lot of people.

HotChocolateLover · 02/08/2019 22:10

Ffs, can’t it just be about a celebration of love. Why does it have to ‘mean’ anything. I didn’t feel my husband owned me when he bought my engagement ring. I just felt so happy that I was that loved and cherished that another person wanted to show their love. I could have easily done the same for him but chose not to.

HerRoyalNotness · 02/08/2019 22:11

One of my colleagues bought his wife shares instead of a ring. As I get older I see the wisdom in this act

Melroses · 02/08/2019 22:11

You don't have to have one. My MIL had a sewing machine in 1961. Rings are so the last-before-one century.

HotChocolateLover · 02/08/2019 22:12

@Lettera You talk about male possession. How does that work for lesbian relationships?

HitchhikersSnide · 02/08/2019 22:13

Neither of us have any rings at all.

Original poster
Yeahsurewhatever · 02/08/2019 22:13

Yes I feel like saying oh I'm engaged
Oh no I don't have a ring
Then answering why I don't have a ring every time is a bit exhausting

I like the shares idea!

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 02/08/2019 22:14

I didn't have one but that's because I dislike rings. Now I have arthritis of my fingers and my wedding ring won't go on anyway.

Me2you3 · 02/08/2019 22:19

Never thought of it as being 'claimed'. I love my engagement ring and I enjoyed choosing one together. I thought it was a nice expression of our love and commitment, and kind of him to spend his money on it (no different to any other gift IMO), especially considering I earn more than him. Confused

Spanielmadness · 02/08/2019 22:20

I am very secure in my relationship. I’m not concerned my partner feels he owns me, nor am I interested if anyone looks at my ring and makes a judgement on his earnings or the state of my relationship. I don’t wear any other jewellery - I wear the ring my partner brought me as he wanted to buy me something beautiful to symbolise our commitment to each other. He often buys me clothing which I wear with pride as he feels I am beautiful wearing it. As soon as you focus on what your relationship means to you and stop worrying what others think, life is much better. The state of marriage has lots of sexist historical links - you don’t have to abide by them :)

Original poster
Yeahsurewhatever · 02/08/2019 22:27

@me2you3 if my partner got me a ring it wouldn't be intended to 'claim' me.
That's not how he sees me.
However I do have to ask why it's something only I get, why there's a visual mark that I'm not single etc.

I think he'd like to get me a ring though, and also it sort of completes the proposal too right? It feels like something's missing without it?

I think there's lots of lovely elements to it and I'd never judge anyone for having one.
I'm just trying to think about what's comfortable for me and what does and doesn't fit in with my other views.

OP posts:
bananasandwicheseveryday · 02/08/2019 22:31

Well, as we didn't have an 'official' engagement, we didn't have rings. We had given each other a ring when we reached a particular anniversary in our relationship. When we decided to marry (no waiting for him to propose) we also decided we had more important things to spend out money on than an engagement ring.

Me2you3 · 02/08/2019 22:36

yeahsurewhatever i think mine would have happily not bought me one, and saved the money Grin, but i liked the idea of one. Particularly choosing it together. I wasn't comfortable with him deciding what I would wear. But I think it's all about what's right for you. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. If he'd really like to get you one, would you wear it in a chain around your neck maybe?

Me2you3 · 02/08/2019 22:37

Or on a bracelet.. something less formal/traditional

Original poster
Yeahsurewhatever · 02/08/2019 22:38

Anytime I tell people I may not get a ring they think my partner is super clever and has somehow managed to convince me to save his money hahaha

OP posts:
LassOfFyvie · 02/08/2019 22:41

I don't have one. I have a wedding ring- antique Victorian ring engraved with flowers. I occasionally wear it. I love jewellery and I wear on that finger whichever of my rings I feel like wearing and which goes with what I'm wearing.

I almost almost wear a Victorian diamond and opal ring which my husband gave me when my son was born. The level of vitriol thrown at me about that on an AIBU thread about rings was breathtaking.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 02/08/2019 22:41

Well, diamond ones are a con, and the 2x or 3x his monthly salary cost was dreamt up by the diamond industry.
Why so many women insist on them is a mystery to me.

Skyejuly · 02/08/2019 22:41

We didnt have rings for engagement or wedding.

Deathgrip · 02/08/2019 22:43

I could have easily done the same for him but chose not to.

Yes, it’s just a coincidence that you and 99.9% of women who get engaged choose not to buy their male partner a ring. Totally independent thinking, of course.

Being socially conditioned doesn’t make you a bad person - there’s no reason not to acknowledge it

SlipperyLizard · 02/08/2019 22:46

I don’t have an engagement ring, partly for the reasons you describe and partly because I didn’t really ever describe myself as “engaged” or call DH my fiancé. We had decided to get married in a typically (for me) matter of fact way, that was it - no need for a ring.

We both have wedding rings, I don’t think I’ve ever seen another married woman with just a wedding ring, but no one has ever commented on it.

We also entered the registry office together (no one gave me away), I didn’t change my name and our children have my surname. Once you’ve started down a road, might as well continue!

Me2you3 · 02/08/2019 22:47

deydodo mine definitely wasn't 2 or 3 times his salary. I also bought him a fancy watch to even it out (somewhat)

Chocolate35 · 02/08/2019 22:48

I love my engagement and wedding rings and my husband doesn’t own me. I couldn’t care less if someone else wore one and would never judge them either way so I think it’s only an issue if you make it one. When I look at my rings I smile at the memories associated with them.
The 3 month salary thing is insane though, rings should be personal and suited to the recipient, not a show of money.