Engagement rings

[Yeahsurewhatever]

Light-hearted! but I'm just interested in your feelings on engagement rings? And if you didn't have one did you just have nothing? Or did you get each other something?

If we can put it aside from if you hate the institution of marriage anyway and I'm aware there's a ton of other sexist stuff within wedding traditions.
I just feel like getting an engagement ring feels a bit uncomfortable.

Why am I showing I'm 'claimed' - but he isn't.
Why is he paying out for something when everything else in our relationship is equal.
I also HATE the idea of people asking to see my ring and then judging my relationship, how loved I am, how much money my partner makes by how big the rock is.
Or even just celebrating how I've managed to get engaged, in a way non of my other achievements have been!

I mean, I dunno why this is my sticking point, I just feel a bit uncomfortable with it.

But equally, it's part of a ritual that is nice and bonding between partners, and officially sets us on a wedding planning oath etc. Plus who doesn't want a pretty gift...

Me2you3 the whole idea of diamonds being linked to engagement rings was from a de Beers advertising campaign, it's not tradition. Well it is since the 1930s I guess.
Here's an advert from the 80s.

Lol, that ad fair point. I work in marketing so I appreciate the fact that a lot of 'traditions' are actually just manufactured by advertising companies.. Christmas, Birthdays, god forbid, Valentine's Day... doesn't mean we can't 'choose' to enjoy them, as long as we choose, being the main point

I see the ring as a symbol of love and commitment and it's the only piece (with my wedding ring of course) of expensive jewellery I will probably ever own. I love my engagement ring as a piece of jewellery and for what it means. My husband has a wedding ring but not an engagement ring.

I do see my rings as a mark you are "taken" but I like this. It says I am committed to someone. But my husband also has a wedding ring to say he is "taken" too. So I don't see this as one way.

I also have found it handy in the past when going out sans husband as the rings put off annoying chatter uppers!

Do whatever floats your boat. Yes, things have a history, but the only way the meaning changes is when people assume a new meaning.

Us? No engagement, no wedding, no rings. Going on forty years. As I say. Whatever works.

Slippery: I know several women with just wedding rings. I’m one.

I never saw the point in an engagement ring. They always seemed like an excuse for some women to wave a big diamond in other's faces and boast about it. About how romantic (i.e. rich) their fiance was...

Also the underlying implication since it's almost always the woman who wears an engagement ring and not the man. She has to advertise her impending marital status while men don't. I dislike double standards and hypocrisy.

I never changed my last name either when I got married.

Yes @nonny these are exactly my concerns!!

I think it's ok if I want to do something because it's the societal norm, even if it's not particularly feminist, but I like to look at why I'm doing it and if it's really what I want.
To the women who have chosen not to have rings - how did your friends and family react?

This will be on the cards at some stage and I want the jewellery he doesn't want a ring so I'm thinking maybe a watch of equivalent value? I'd like it to feel balanced. Also ethical diamonds

Horses for courses I guess - from a different angle my mum has been divorced nearly 30yrs, she took off her engagement ring, but has always worn her wedding band, not reverted back to her maiden name, and continued to use a Mrs prefix. The separation was amicable and although she dated a bit she chose to remain single. Her stance is she wanted to keep the same surname when we were kids, and she's fond of wearing her ring, plus it was more faff to change paperwork so what does it really matter? From her perspective a ring is just another piece of jewellery and a name is really just a name.

He bought me an engagement ring. I bought him a watch. We chose the ring together.

We were very young and lived in different cities for the year we were engaged. Turned out that despite not really thinking I wanted a ring - my mother never wore hers - I liked the reminder that I was engaged that stayed with me all the time. I wore it on a chain round my neck sometimes.

Many years on he still wears the wedding ring. Both my rings are in a drawer and I don't know whether I'll put them on again. I don't think the quality of our relationship is a factor in that for me.

^Also the underlying implication since it's almost always the woman who wears an engagement ring and not the man. She has to advertise her impending marital status while men don't. I dislike double standards and hypocrisy.

I never changed my last name either when I got married^

This was how I felt too, so we just 'decided to get married', and then had a party. This was 35 years ago. I changed my name to his after a little while though, mostly because my surname was horrible and his is really nice. I wouldn't have changed if I'd liked my surname.

And much later when we could afford it I got an antique diamond ring - I was working near Hatton Garden so had come to appreciate diamonds.

A client sold her Harry Winston ring, that had cost her controlling pig of a husband $250,000, for £65,000, so as an investment that was rubbish.

I love rings...I don't mind if it's an engagement one or otherwise. I have three engagement rings.

When I got engaged to my ex husband, we used money we'd saved jointly to buy my ring and we bought him a nice watch at the same time. So we both had an engagement gift to wear.

Obviously having an engagement ring doesn't mean you are owned, but it does say "off limits" at a glance of an eye and I honestly think this is reason people started wearing them. I had never thought about it like this, but there was a definite shift in blokes attention once I started wearing one, in 1988 and have worn one ever since.

There was also a thing about eternity rings back in the day, it was a precursor to actually getting engaged - quite bizarre now I think about it, through 21st century eyes. I had one of them too 😂.

DH has bought me different engagement rings over the years, my original 80's one was from Argos, we were skint back then, he bought me a lovely one for our 10th anniversary. For our silver, I had a bracelet.

I'm not sure I like the idea of engagement rings after reading this post, it does reek of "hands off, taken". Even wedding rings too, if you're married in your mind, what does it matter if you have a ring or not?

As I've said, I've been with DH for a long time, 34 years, I'm not sure even marriage is necessary these days. The day itself is a lovely commitment to each other, and I took my vows seriously, but would it have changed the status of our love/relationship if we hadn't got married? no - I don't think it would have. I'm glad my family share the same surname, but apart from that, I think we would still be in a committed relationship.

Would having to get a divorce stop me leaving, at any point I wanted to? No, it wouldn't. As I said, I took my vows seriously, however, you do only live once and I wouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage had DH suddenly turned into some of the blokes I've read about on here.

Sorry, I went down a rabbit hole then.

I wore an engagement ring - a pretty cocktail ring with a semiprecious stone. Amusingly some colleagues assumed it was a coloured diamond, so strong is the association. I got my DH a gorgeous ring too. We both wore them. It meant my friends could coo over my ring in the socially sanctioned way, and over his too.

I got him a ring too, and even his own proposal (which was planned with no thought of when he may propose to me).

If I were to show I was off the market, so would he.

He ended up moving the ring to his right hand when we married.

I love jewellery so I was happy for any excuse for a new piece in my collection.

My exH and I each got an engagement ring, it was nice for him to feel like he has a special moments for the occasion.

My now Husband has a claddagh ring he bought when he was in Ireland and wore that until I bought our wedding rings and he just swapped out wearing his wedding ring early.

I don't see it as a sign of ownership, just part of a courting ritual.

I had an engagement ring. I got given it for my birthday and I wore it in secret away from my family at university 😅

He didn't do a proposal - which I liked - but I did feel we were missing one so I bought him a ring and got down on one knee and proposed to him. He loved the idea of wearing a ring. We were at different universities at the time and marriage was a long time off so this worked for us.

I liked the equality of us both having rings as I didn't want to miss out on a ring (not important now, but I was 18 at the time).

Obviously having an engagement ring doesn't mean you are owned, but it does say "off limits" at a glance of an eye and I honestly think this is reason people started wearing them.

It does imply ownership. A woman with an engagement ring is off limits precisely because it indicates to other men that she is the property of another man and belongs to him. That is why it is only women who predominantly wear it and there is no requirement for men to do the same. Similar to changing the last name. Additionally, the father of the bride giving her over to the new husband is another symbolic gesture of one man passing ownership of the woman to another man.

It's also why men will keep hitting on you at a nightclub until you say, sorry I have a boyfriend, and then they immediately back off. A woman's "no" is simply not enough. Men will respect the "no" more when she states that she "belongs" to another man.

It's not a conscious thing. The patriarchal concept that women belong to men is deeply embedded in all of us and manifests in different ways in every culture. Most men don't realise they treat women differently when she is under the ownership of a man. A man who brazenly flirts with a woman while her male partner is next to her, risks getting into a physical fight. Men in general wouldn't do this because it is deeply disrespectful to other men. There are unspoken rules of behaviour between men when it comes to women. It's also reflective of our animalistic side since even in the animal kingdom, males jealousy guard females from other males and fight off the ones that don't back down.

In India, a married Hindu woman wears a necklace and/or puts a red mark on her forehead. Again this indicates to other men she now belongs to a man, so she is off limits. Indian men never have to do the same.

I don't know what traditional marital jewellery Arabs wear, but the hijab and niqab again indicate that a woman's hair, face, body etc is only visible to her husband and other close male relatives. She is private property and her beauty is something that only her husband gets to indulge in. Other men will respect that.

I'm no expert but I imagine in every patriarchal society, there is some article of clothing or jewellery that women are expected to wear that men don't, and this is an unspoken cultural rule to indicate she is owned by a man and therefore is off limits to other men.

Of course women are free to wear whatever they like and lots of women clearly enjoy having an engagement ring and feel it's a very conscious decision on their part to do so.
But I would hope feminists are the sort of type to contemplate deeply and analyse why there are these unspoken double standards between men and women across different societies. :)

I have an engagement ring. DP spent a lot of time and effort designing it and sourcing ethical materials. It's beautiful, but also meaningful as he tried really hard to give me something I would love.

Yes, we've followed a tradition that could be seen as perpetuating the patriarchy. I also bought DP an expensive present at the same time (not a watch, he already has too many of those!), so it was more a mutual gift giving to celebrate our decision to marry, rather than him claiming me.

I don't wear jewellery much- the only other piece I always wear is my late grandmother's wedding ring, which my grandfather made. It gives me a feeling of connection to them and has been a source of comfort in some dark times, particularly as it's always with me. I hope some future descendant of mine feels the same about my rings one day.

I'm not married and doubt I ever will through choice but I've known since I was a teenager that I'd never have an engagement ring Even if I did for all the reasons you have noted @Yeahsurewhatever.

Not to judge those that do like wearing them, each to his own. But stick to your guns and don't feel bad explaining to others your decision.

I have the standard diamond ring, and I bought my husband a watch. We both love them & wear them all the time.

But when I was young and living in Paris I used to wear my mother's engagement ring from her first marriage on my ring finger as a way of deflecting the very persistent French men. And even now in my more advanced years, rings on the wedding finger are useful for deflecting men at eg hotels around the world when I'm travelling on business. As I noticed on the occasion when they were in for servicing and I had a naked finger.

I just can't be doing with being chatted up all the time. It's wearing. I'm just a normal middle aged mum but randy men on business trips seem to think that anyone having a drink on her own in a bar must be up for it. So I find symbolic jewellery a signal that is very useful. It doesn't put them all off, but it puts a large chunk of them off.

We both got each other engagement rings and I love them. I also love the message that it sends to others that we are both taken and committed to each other. I love marriage, commitment and fidelity. I also love my DH. Best thing I ever did. Realise it's not like that for everyone though.

@Yeahsurewhatever
I do have a wedding ring, as does Dh, but as I said in my earlier post, no engagement ring or even engagemenyreally. At the time, a few eyebrows were raised among friends and Dh 'S family - almost 40 years ago we were definitely a bit 'unusual' in our decision not to do a formal engagement. My family just accepted it was how we wanted to do things, but then the women in my family were definitely not trend followers themselves. I think my family would have been more shocked (disappointed even) if I had announced we were doing things more traditionally, to be honest.