Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Engagement rings

121 replies

Yeahsurewhatever · 02/08/2019 21:50

Light-hearted! but I'm just interested in your feelings on engagement rings? And if you didn't have one did you just have nothing? Or did you get each other something?

If we can put it aside from if you hate the institution of marriage anyway and I'm aware there's a ton of other sexist stuff within wedding traditions.
I just feel like getting an engagement ring feels a bit uncomfortable.

Why am I showing I'm 'claimed' - but he isn't.
Why is he paying out for something when everything else in our relationship is equal.
I also HATE the idea of people asking to see my ring and then judging my relationship, how loved I am, how much money my partner makes by how big the rock is.
Or even just celebrating how I've managed to get engaged, in a way non of my other achievements have been!

I mean, I dunno why this is my sticking point, I just feel a bit uncomfortable with it.

But equally, it's part of a ritual that is nice and bonding between partners, and officially sets us on a wedding planning oath etc. Plus who doesn't want a pretty gift...

OP posts:
Original poster
Yeahsurewhatever · 03/08/2019 12:08

Interesting.
I think the watch idea is nice for the equality aspect of spending money, however it just doesn't tackle my issue of the visual marking, as no one would look at a watch and assume that means he's engaged.
I considered us both getting a necklace/chain or something similar, but oh really wants to plan proposal by himself and for it to be a surprise, and he isn't keen on any jewelry so I know well never get round to getting his.
As I say no judgement on anyone either way, I just think it's good to consider what we're doing for things such as this, taking his name, being given away etc. Before walking blindly into it.

I've mentioned to the women in my family I think I won't have a ring and they have told me quite simply that im an idiot. My friends have also told me that it's stupid, or pity me for letting my oh convince me he should save his money (which he hasn't, he's happy to do what I want but had always planned to get me a ring)

OP posts:
FormerMediocreMale · 03/08/2019 12:12

I never had an engagement ring. Not really practical if they have a stone and without one its like a wedding ring anyway.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 03/08/2019 12:29

I don't think "taken" equals "ownership".
DH wears a wedding ring which marks him out as taken, but neither of us consider him owned, or vice versa.
Engagement rings is women only though. I dunno, because it's mostly women demanding them. Men have to give an engagement ring, or it's not "proper" in women's eyes.

ShouldBeCookingDinner · 03/08/2019 13:10

It's not as if the ring goes through your nose and you're pulled along by a rope through it!

Fraggling · 03/08/2019 13:14

Not rtft

DH wanted an engagement ring as well so I got him one.

We are married now, I rarely wear my rings, he always wears his.

Do what you feel comfortable with.

Of course marriage is awful patriarchal thing but, well. We get by in society as we can and none of us are 'perfect feminists'.

Juells · 03/08/2019 13:32

Engagement rings is women only though. I dunno, because it's mostly women demanding them. Men have to give an engagement ring, or it's not "proper" in women's eyes.

I dunno, that sounds a bit hostile to women who want to be courted. I didn't, personally, but I've often thought since that I was a mug. If even fucking spiders can get up the wherewithal to court a female, why shouldn't a human female expect it? She'll be the one growing his children and probably looking after them until adulthood. Child-bearing and rearing is a very heavy investment in resources and emotion for women, why think that it's a male's automatic right to reproduce? Things have got very skewed.

Fraggling · 03/08/2019 13:35

'Engagement rings is women only though. I dunno, because it's mostly women demanding them. Men have to give an engagement ring, or it's not "proper" in women's eyes.'

Loads of men mentioned on the thread have had engagement rings though.

Women demanding is interesting phrasing. Mostly a man buys a ring for the woman because that's the done thing, surely. No deeper than that.

JoJoSM2 · 03/08/2019 14:06

Plus who doesn't want a pretty gift...
And therein lies the problem, said DH when I read the post to him Grin
I really like my engagement ring and wear it all the time. I’ve never felt ‘owned’ and neither has DH who wears his wedding ring religiously. We found the concept of marriage romantic but did do away with some of the patriarchal traditions, eg we walked down the aisle together.

And diamonds are ideal for engagement rings - they’re colourless and the most durable of all stones so ideal for everyday wear and go with any outfit.

I also see the point of getting something relatively expensive if you intend to wear it for the rest of your life. It needs to be sufficient quality to feel better than a Birthday or Christmas gift.

Crunched · 03/08/2019 14:17

You could both have engagement rings. That's what we did
DH felt excited, as did I, to be planning to get married and wearing a ring encourages conversation with people about your forthcoming ceremony/life. He found it very strange but in a good way, having never worn jewellery before. If only the woman wears a ring I would find it strange and vaguely patriarchal, so I can’t understand why both parties would not wear rings.

Saucery · 03/08/2019 14:17

I have one. We got engaged in a snowy country hotel one Christmas when we were just into our 20s. So it was traditionally romantic. I never felt like he ‘owned’ me, but I remember at the time thinking it was a bit unequal, as there was no equivalent for him. I had previously bought him an item of jewellery he wears all the time though, as it meant something to both of us so I suppose that evens it up.
We bought each other wedding rings, and that’s fine, we both wear them and they match. It’s a declaration of marriage and the point at which we decided to commit to each other, not of ownership in any way.
My fingers are fatter now so the engagement ring languishes in a drawer. It’s gold with a diamond so not something I would wear every day anyway.

Original poster
Yeahsurewhatever · 04/08/2019 11:02

That sounds beautiful @saucery
And I think that's what's making me pause, I'd be missing that traditional moment in the proposal, telling my family I'm engaged and showing them the ring and the whole ritual and tradition there.

But like you say, we can get rings for the wedding anyway
...and maybe use the engagement ring money towards the honeymoon

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/08/2019 11:07

I didn't have an engagement ring, though not for any ideological reason. I just don't like rings with stones in them, the feel bothers me. We both had smooth, gold wedding rings though, which we wore with pride.

JoJoSM2 · 04/08/2019 11:15

OP, couldn’t you just have an engagement and wedding ring 2-in-1 then? You’d get it for your engagement and then re-use when you exchange the vows.

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/08/2019 11:21

Had one first time around, left it behind when we split. Never had one second time around but went for a sparkly wedding ring (quite like an eternity ring). An engagement ring seemed very unimportant when I met the right man.

BiologyIsReal · 04/08/2019 14:48

I am a second wave feminist who married a man who was the strongest feminist ally you could have. I was never 'owned' or felt an appendage.

I had an engagement ring. I bought my partner a gold watch.

It marked the day we became a team and we remained a team until he died a few months ago after 52 years of marriage.

Neither of us wore them every day after we married but we both wore them occasionally;

Strangely, now I wear my engagement ring every day. It means more to me than ever. I also have had his watch altered and wear that every day too. I know you don't 'need' these things to remember a loved one, but objects do prompt memories and every day when I put on his watch or my ring I smile because it reminds me of a very special day and a very special person.

No one is more feminist than me - I was a front line fighter for women's liberation in the 60s and 70s and he had my back the whole time.

But as I have become the "little old lady" that is the subject of another thread on FWR I have found some things are more important to me than making a feminist statement.

Original poster
Yeahsurewhatever · 04/08/2019 16:19

Wow @biologyisreal what a beautiful post.
I was all set on deciding not too have a ring and then your post has me questioning it all, you're right, some things are more important
I'm so sorry for your loss, he sounds like an amazing man, I'm so happy that you have those memories and your way of honouring him

OP posts:
Alexkate2468 · 04/08/2019 16:37

@NonnyMouse1337 your post has really made me think. If honestly never thought about my rings in this way before. I guess these things are so embedded in our cultures and society that we just don’t see them.
Saying that, I love my rings and wear them to show I’m married. The circle symbolises eternal love and I do feel I’ve married my soul mate and am proud to ‘belong’ to the family unit we’ve created. I like the feeling of belonging - not in a possessive/oppressive way but in an ‘I’ve found my people’ kind of way. I don’t care if other people see my rings or not - they’re not fancy or expensive, they’re just mine and make me happy and remind me I’m loved.

Saucery · 04/08/2019 16:42

BiologyIsReal your post has really touched me, thank you. It reminds me of my grandparents and the weight of meaning and memory attached to their wedding rings and watch. All the significant wedding jewellery passed down through the family, in fact. It may well be a construct of a patriarchal society, but that comes secondary to Larkin’s “what remains of us is love”, for me, at any rate.

RosaWaiting · 04/08/2019 16:46

“One of my colleagues bought his wife shares instead of a ring”

I have no interest in marriage but if I did, that’s the kind of man I’d like. Brilliant!

Babdoc · 04/08/2019 16:55

DH and I were happily married right up to his death. Neither of us had a wedding ring or an engagement ring.
As a feminist, I always saw them as marks of ownership, and as a doctor I saw the horrific de-gloving injuries (stripping all the skin and muscle off the finger, requiring amputation) that occurred when a ring got snagged.
The worst one I remember was a lorry driver who jumped down from his high cab, and his ring caught on the door, shredding his finger.
I don’t like any jewellery, I’m really not into personal adornment or fashion, and I shudder at the thought of the bacterial soup living under rings on the women who regard it as unlucky to ever remove them!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/08/2019 17:06

I don't have an engagement ring and wear my.wedding ring on my left hand

LassOfFyvie · 04/08/2019 17:14

How common is degloving? Google suggests around 150,000 cases annually reported in the US leading to amputation. The population of the USA is 327.2 million.

JoJoSM2 · 04/08/2019 18:53

I've never even heard of de-gloving before...

Fraggling · 04/08/2019 19:06

Degloving I know about cos ex was a biker, can happen if you come off with no go gloves on.

I don't think it's that common tbh that the population should stop wearing jewellery

Is horrific idea obv

butteryellow · 04/08/2019 20:17

I think it very much depends on the relationship - I've certainly met both men and women who view it almost as a deposit, the ones that tell you how much it cost, or how big the diamond is.

Then there's the others who just bought something out of love - Argos or a second hand shop, just what they could afford, that was beautiful, as a symbol of a promise instead.

Personally I don't have either, and no particular plan to get married, although we might soon, just to simplify issues should either of us die. We won't bother with rings though - neither of us are into jewellry, and our commitment to each other is in the form of joint property purchase and 2 kids.