Engagement rings

[Yeahsurewhatever]

Light-hearted! but I'm just interested in your feelings on engagement rings? And if you didn't have one did you just have nothing? Or did you get each other something?

If we can put it aside from if you hate the institution of marriage anyway and I'm aware there's a ton of other sexist stuff within wedding traditions.
I just feel like getting an engagement ring feels a bit uncomfortable.

Why am I showing I'm 'claimed' - but he isn't.
Why is he paying out for something when everything else in our relationship is equal.
I also HATE the idea of people asking to see my ring and then judging my relationship, how loved I am, how much money my partner makes by how big the rock is.
Or even just celebrating how I've managed to get engaged, in a way non of my other achievements have been!

I mean, I dunno why this is my sticking point, I just feel a bit uncomfortable with it.

But equally, it's part of a ritual that is nice and bonding between partners, and officially sets us on a wedding planning oath etc. Plus who doesn't want a pretty gift...

I felt very strongly against this because of the history of it being used as a display of male ownership with a side dish of big ol' capitalist dick-swing.

Also the history of diamonds being artificially driven up in price to drive the engagement ring market and the ethics of diamonds in itself.

I feel like, even if people don't see it as thr above, it perpetuates the structure just like taking a man's name. I understand I'm at the sharp end here though.

We both had one, he proposed with a ring for me and then we went out shopping to get him a band. I don’t see it as male possession though, I think it’s everybody's choice what they want to do.

I think amongst the working class this is a relatively new thing- my Nan certainly never had an engagement ring, they didn’t have enough money for that! I don’t have one, but I’d been engaged before with the full bells and whistles proposal and a huge diamond so was actively massively against it. It is an odd tradition and has no place in this century really.

It was de beers wasn't it who popularised it and made it about diamonds, not even so long ago

First Google result but have read this story lots

blog.hubspot.com/marketing/diamond-de-beers-marketing-campaign

I don’t see my engagement ring as a sign of ownership I see it as a sign of love, my ring is a simple solitaire, it’s not huge or expensive but I still love it. Dh surprised me with proposing and had spoken to my mum and bought the ring without me knowing. We were young when we got engaged and married and I still love my ring now 20 year s later.

Each to their own , some people were rings others don’t. Do what makes you happy and never mind what other do.

Dm (an ardent feminist) was horrified by my engagement ring. I was insistent that it would not be a diamond, because ethics aside they are a massive rip off, and I fully understand the ownership factor, and was a bit uncomfortable with it. I found that aspect was actually the best part. Although it means playing along with the "no means yes unless she's taken" trope, it was like a magical shield against the onslaught of unwanted attention (not a stealth boast, I am no Helen of Troy). It also meant I could be friendly to a man without him wondering if I wanted to shag him. I did feel less unbalanced once we married and DH got his shield too.

I did stay firm on not being a Mrs, keeping my name and giving it to my children. I say firm. DH understood that it wasn't his place to decide on my name or title.

He will never know any of this!

I hope he's not on here- you've told us 5 times !
( I didn't know about purple sapphires. Platinum and white gold puzzle me- how do you tell from looking at them that it isn't silver? I have a platinum brooch ; it's lovely but I wouldn't know if I hadn't been told)

I’m on my third husband (consecutive, not concurrent) and I’ve never had an engagement ring (nor walked down an aisle, nor worn a wedding dress. All my outfits were fabulous though).

I do wear a wedding ring (so does H) but it’s very plain and classic - I’m a theatrical dresser so it goes with everything.

b) it looked exactly like an amethyst, except it cost 10 times as much

Sapphires are a lot more durable than amethysts so it'll last you forever (possibly slightly unfortunate given how you feel about it).

@saynotocarrots
The Mrs thing hadn't even occured to me!
So much to consider!!

@dumondeB was the lack of engagement ring a conscious decision? Or just how things went?

I don't use Mrs - so annoying to tell someone your marital status before your name!

Do you keep miss though? It feels a little childish?

But I do hate when people ask me 'Miss or Mrs?' now that I think about it!

I've always used Ms - single or married. Ms has its own connotations, though.

I've been a Ms since sixth form. I also felt miss has child-like connotations.

I have had people ask if I'm divorced though (from late teens), or claim Ms is really hard to say.

My issue really with 'Mrs' is that it creates a division between married and unmarried women. Sometimes it is almost like a badge of honour - i'm good enough to marry , and I don't like that.

DH and I both had them. Both wanted a visible symbol. I don't know that I'd have liked to wear one otherwise.

My mum gave my DH her engagement ring to give to me, its a tradition to pass it down the female lineage. It just so happened that it was the perfect ruby ring that I had adored since I was young. We purchased our wedding rings together, they were identical with both our birth stones in each one. Now DH wants to buy a ring so that the one passed down from mum can be stored safely and I love that he has designed the ring himself and chosen the stones personally too. I have bought him a bracelet as I know he always wanted one.

We both had a ring. My ring was cheaper than DH,'s, in fact my ring only cost £95 - then another £70 5 years later to replace the stone that fell out,

I couldn't ware something worth lots of money and even if rich I couldn't imagine spending to much money on jewellery.

It's didn't feel like ownership or anything snd as I say we both got engagement and wedding rings.

Why am I showing I'm 'claimed' - but he isn't
You could also look at it as why do I get a big expensive gift and he doesn’t? Truthfully I don’t care. It’s the only chance I’ll ever have to acquire a big ass diamond so I took it.

I think this thread once again reminds us not to make assumptions.
I wear an engagement ring because I like sparkly things but don't wear other jewellery. DH wanted to give me one I loved.
I wear a wedding band because I've worn a plain band on my right hand since I was 12, so just swapped hands when we married. It also helped keep some unwanted attention at bay (via the perceived ownership thing, but still).
I changed my name as I didn't want to keep my 'maiden' name. It was my father's after all. I would have kept it if it were my mother's.

DH doesn't like sparkly things, and his job means he can't safely wear a ring. He tried it for a year, and had to take it off and on so many times that it got lost. Same with the replacement. So he gave up, fair enough.

The Mrs thing is the only thing that rankles. I didn't realise how quickly it would stick, and now I'm Mrs everywhere. I wish I'd started out as Ms. In fact, I wish I'd started using Ms as soon as I was an adult, then there would have been nothing to change. Ms Vienetta would be fine.

OP I didn’t wear an engagement ring either for all the reasons you state. I felt really uncomfortable, having decided to get married (no proposal), then randomly trotting off to brand me with some sparkles.

We both wear plain thin metal wedding bands - I don’t have so much of a problem with that as they are (a) mutual and (b) I felt that being married is (hopefully) a permanent state, rather than an engagement which is just a transition.

I got a lot of guffaw-y type “haha you’ve let your husband off lightly” comments from men, and weirdly lots of women got very defensive about their own rings (I honestly don’t judge anyone who has an engagement ring, just couldn’t get comfortable with it myself) but I stuck to my guns.

Funnily enough it became one of my key arguments when DH was pushing back against giving our kids both of our surnames. I pointed out that he was quite happy to accept not doing the traditional thing when it involved him not buying me a ring, so he should also accept the other non traditional aspects. I won

PS I should say that we went and chose (and paid for) a lovely piece of art together to mark the occasion of deciding to get married. It now sits above our mantelpiece and it makes me smile every day. And is a much better investment than jewellery!