Ama - transwoman

[Indigo9]

I've heard about Mumsnet for years in regards to views on transgender women. But until today I had never visited the site. I've spent hours reading posts related to transwomen and the gender ID bill. I do think there is a little bit of a disconnect with regards to who and what we are. So I've decided to setup this profile with a mind to answering questions you may have about being transgender. I'm not in to hate or insults, so you won't see me participate in any mud slinging, name calling or anything else. I will, however, answer any legitimate questions from my own perspective. I do not speak for the whole trans community and would not try to, but will happily share what I know.

Do you understand why women feel upset to be told that they think a certain way, particularly when you can not define what that actually is?

I honestly think you should just be proud of who you are - a transwoman and stop appropriating the title ‘woman’ from us of the female sex. You are what you are, learn to love yourself as you are not as you imagine or fantasise yourself to be.

I guess I'd ask what living as a woman means to you?

A big part of living as a women for me is dealing with periods every month, and avoiding pregnancy from the age of puberty.

It's also feeling scared of men in some situations, because I'm not as physically strong as them.

P.S. are women more likely than men to change into comfortable pants when they get home? I don't.

Hi JaneJeffer,

It depends on context. I used the women's room when I still had male anatomy. But on the other hand I was already on HRT. I couldn't have used the male WC without being assaulted. However would I want a male coming in to the bathroom I use...hell no! That would be plain intimidating and very uncomfortable. But transitioning has many awkward stages, where male aspects still show through, yet using a public bathroom is something most people take for granted. While transitioning either bathroom is a scary place. So yes I think transwomen in transition should use the women's loo.

I’ve got a question OP, thanks for setting this AMA up:

How did your family react to your telling them you felt you were female? I imagine that’s got to be a huge deal for any parents and any trans teenager growing up and realising that they feel they identify more with the opposite sex.

isabellerossignol,

How would you define how you think in relation to your gender? It's a big topic and is hard to eloquently wrap up in to a short answer.

Thanks for your reply @Indigo9.

The difficulty is that our trans students don't want to leave the school, very understandably, as it would cause so much other disruption to their lives. They have friends and have good relationships with their teachers and are mostly mid way through exam courses- do you not think uprooting them and placing them in a new school with no friends would be more detrimental to their mental health?

However would I want a male coming in to the bathroom I use...hell no! That would be plain intimidating and very uncomfortable.

Why do you feel it's ok for you to cause discomfort and intimidate women, but not for men to do the same to you?

YemenRoadYemen,
I don't know on the comfy pants issue..but I know me and my partner do. My point is, I rarely wear dresses. The stereotype of us smeared in makeup and dressed up to the nine's does not represent me. I wear makeup if I go out for an evening and, I do not wear fishnets lol as I have seen referenced on other posts.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta,

I was born in the 70's. There was no infastructure or help available to me. My parents would say I was just sensitive, or that it was a phase, or try to beat it out of me. Later in life they fully accepted me, but only after I had had surgeries. My brother and sister also accept me. I'm one of the lucky ones.

bumblingalonghappily,

I do think that would be unfair in that context. I know that calling trans kids by their preferred pronouns and names prevents a high percentage of suicide attempts. I think this is an ethical debate, rather than a discrimination one though. It is wonderful your kids at school have you pondering such problems. They are lucky to have you. Many aren't so lucky.

isabellerossignol,

Firstly you would never know that I am transgender by either seeing me or speaking to me. I don't think any of us transgender women want to cause any woman discomfort. But what would you have us do..use the male bathrooms and get the living s%#t kicked out of us? It's a delicate balance I grant you that. But it is one think can be managed through a little compassion on each side.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta,

I want to answer a little more with regards to your question. My father was ashamed of me for many years. I did not meet his masculine requirements in any way shape or form. My mother blamed herself for me being (well there wasn't really a word for it) transgender.

Hi GirlDownUnder, Sorry I missed this earlier. I obviously whole heartedly believe that trans women are women and I know many will not agree with me.

I heard that Mumsnet was full of hateful comments towards transwomen in particular. What made me come here today was a screenshot on FB that contained some pretty vulgar language towards transwomen.

I do honestly see you have some points when it comes to the gender ID bill. I do not however think it is transgender folks doing. It is poorly worded legislation. As I aid from the top. I am not a hater. I try to understand others points of views. That is why I didn't setup this profile and start attempting to invalidate others perspectives.

If you think men would kick the living shits out of a passing transwoman, why do you want to make women's space mixed sex?

Indigo, thank you for engaging. I am interested to see that you had a sexist and abusive father who beat you for not fitting expectations of nasculinity, and that your expectation if being in a male environment is that you will be beaten for not meeting expectations if masculinity.

Doesn't it seem possible to you that you were perfect as a boy exactly as you were, but that you had extremely damaged and abusive parents/sexist society, rather than that you were actually female? And that being trans has allowed you to become a cultural refugee from that toxic sexist environment and to escape it in a creative way?

Thank you for doing this firstly. It feels like you're sticking your head in the lion's mouth coming here.

This might seem a little left field but is there some sort of spiritual aspect to your journey? I can't say I've done a lot of reading on trans issues at all so I apologise if this is going over old ground. From what I've seen though is it essentially the idea that the spirit or soul is male or female and sometimes that doesn't correspond with the physical body? Do you believe in an afterlife where you will be without any male characteristics/markers etc and be wholly female?

Where do you stand on non binary people with male bodies wanting to access women's spaces?

What do you think about transwomen competing in competitive women's sports?

Hi Indigo9.

My perspective is that I know I am a woman, because I was born female, observed female at birth and grew up into an adult human female. There is nothing more to it than that. Everything else is regressive sex stereotypes.

I will not consider you a woman, or female - but I will call you the name you the prefer, the pronoun you prefer, and I will stand by your rights not to be discriminated against because of your trans status. I believe everyone has a right to express themselves how they want, and present themselves how they want, but I don't believe that people born male should be allowed to access women's spaces.

Do you consider this hate speech? Would you call me a bigot, a nazi and all the other names I have been called on twitter for asserting that a woman is a biological fact, not a feeling?

I have a few questions:

Can you define circular logic?

Jazz Jennings will never experience an orgasm. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Indigo9 thanks for your honest answer to my question. I’m sorry it was hard, but glad that you have a relationship with your family now.

Hi Indigo9 can you say a bit about transitioning and how you experienced it?

I'm really sorry that things were tough with your parents at first. Were there other people who were accepting from the start?

I think you will find here people some will agree with you, some people will disagree with you, you and also crucially there will be people who might not agree with you about everything but may still learn something from your posting.

terfsandwich,

This is the sex vs. gender debate. I have never had an issue in a public bathroom. I simply go in do my business, wash my hands and leave. I have friends who have been beaten badly in the mens room. So yes I think that transwomen need a place to use public facilities in a time of need. My gender is female, so I use the women's loo. I don't subscribe to the notion that transgender women or men using the corresponding bathroom to their gender as an invasion in either women's or men's spaces. It is simply a biological requirement that we all share.

Indigo you may think you pass because women are socialised to be kind. In fact this is the only feature of “thinking like a woman” you have identified so far. If women here tell you that you being in a female space makes them feel uncomfortable and unsafe but unable to say so IRL, will you stop using women’s spaces?

Hi TemporaryPermanent,

I know this is hard for people who are not trans to wrap their head around. I was never a boy, but did have a male body until I was of a legal age to make changes so I felt whole and happy. I think something worth noting is that I have never met anyone who wanted to be transgender. I certainly would rather be a natal man or preferably a women. It is a hard road..and society tends to not be very accepting..but I must say things are getting better. Trans people have been around since civilization started and even before. It is only very recently have we been able to be out, be proud of who and what we are and simply get on with living our best lives.