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Original poster

Dads to be are 2nd class citizens on the labour ward because they don't get offered a cup of tea...

394 replies

FromDespairToHere · 16/04/2019 22:09

Hope the link works: www.thedadsnet.com/forums/topic/2nd-class-citizens/?fbclid=IwAR2ah6KP7KIIY1RD5EebUKOBdolCcuI6w2kDndAiZoTBqc2WVWif-HFCeaY

How dare he not be the centre of attention while his wife is giving birth?

Thankfully most of the other men on the forum are quick enough to tell him he's a knob.

OP posts:
Guyliner · 17/04/2019 16:17

I just can't imagine posting publicly that I was so needy and pathetic that not getting a cup of tea just isnt fair! A tiny bit of dignity. That's all.

ErrolTheDragon · 17/04/2019 16:18

NAMALT ... but Cake and Brew for the DWs/DPs of the ones that are like that.

SarahTancredi · 17/04/2019 16:21

Well of you dont post then now do people know what a wonderful supportive dad you are. Sitting there playing candy crush and talking to people on line while your wife has half the hospital sticking their hands up her vagina Hmm

Course shes getting three course meals cooked by Heston Blumenthal..

No inedible.stodge that's gone cold and even the rats wont touch....

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/04/2019 16:34

I think that @Pp91 doesn't really understand what "supporting" means. It means you aren't the centre of attention, or a priority, or a patient. You are there to support your partner, part of that is to realise when it isn't about you, and to choose a suitable moment to interject if you need to.

If you can't manage to look after yourself for a few hours, bring your own drinks, or manage without, then you need to grow up a bit. If you can't understand that the NHS is a severely strained resource, and expecting midwives to bring you drinks is an unrealistic expectation, then you need to grow up a bit.

@NicoAndTheNiners I'm astonished that partners get an NHS breakfast if they stay over as a non-patient on an postnatal ward. Why can't they bring their own, or go to the hospital canteen/shop for goodness sake. Let's not even get into the problems around partners staying overnight when not in individual rooms.

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 16:37

Posters like this are exactly why women dont want men in maternity wards diverting attention from the patient maming demands. Men like that don't worry about the comfort of women around them

Memeface · 17/04/2019 16:49

I wonder if Pp91 would be getting all whiny if he wasn't offered an internal examination as well as his labouring wife! He might be feeling left out, poor dear Grin

HaveACupOfCoffee · 17/04/2019 16:50

My husband wasn’t offered a hot drink, nor expected to be made one - the HCA made it quite clear that they were for patients only.
But the following day when my sister came to visit after I’d given birth, she was offered a cup of tea. Same HCA as the day before so knew she wasn’t a patient, and that did make it feel a bit ‘point scoring’ if that’s the right words.

VickyEadie · 17/04/2019 16:56

When I spent countless days sitting by my Mum's bedside each time she had one of her long spells in hospital in the nine months she died slowly from cancer, I was never offered a cup of tea.

I didn't expect one. Nurses and other HCPs are there to support and care for their patients and gawd knows they've got enough work to do.

Hospitals are usually well supplied with a cafe or two (the one my Mum was always in has a Costa) and machines. Lazy, entitled fuckers like the man in question are just lazy, entitled fuckers.

My brother and I were, however, provided with a pot of tea the night she had died in a hospice - that's because hospices offer care for the families/loved ones as well as the dying and deceased.

ZebrasAreBras · 17/04/2019 17:00

Absolutely pathetic. Mum is the patient - she's the one giving birth.

My DH didn't get a cup of tea at any stage - I got tea & toast after delivery. He's never said a word about it - because he realised a) he's not the patient, and b) he hasn't just pushed a human out of his body.

Remember the long, long threads about dads staying overnight on the maternity ward? Stories emerged from nurses/other mums about dads taking the bed, and the mum sitting in the chair "because he needs some sleep" (!) taking mum's food, demanding sex, leering at other breastfeeding mums.

Entitled dads like that can fuck right off.

lalalonglegs · 17/04/2019 17:05

They had a segment about men who felt left out of their partners' pregnancies by midwives on Woman's Hour a couple of months ago. I was seething at the solipsism of the men they interviewed saying: "It was do unfair, sometimes the medical staff wouldn't even invite me in to appointments." Yes, that's because it was your partner's appointment and the doctor/midwife may have wanted to do some intimate examinations or try to ascertain that you're not the controlling twat that you come across as Angry.

Isn't there a single instance in which women are allowed to take priority?

ZebrasAreBras · 17/04/2019 17:18

Isn't there a single instance in which women are allowed to take priority?

Clearly not. And don't you just love it when Woman's Hour centre the men like that? Woman's Hour couldn't possibly be a whole hour about women, could it?

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 17:26

^My husband wasn’t offered a hot drink, nor expected to be made one - the HCA made it quite clear that they were for patients only.
But the following day when my sister came to visit after I’d given birth, she was offered a cup of tea. Same HCA as the day before so knew she wasn’t a patient, and that did make it feel a bit ‘point scoring’ if that’s the right words.^
Point scoring or an HCp who has dealt with demanding fathers a milliin times over and thought it best to set his expectations as she/he would be having to deal with him fir thr whole if yiur labour?

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 17:28

"It was do unfair, sometimes the medical staff wouldn't even invite me in to appointments." Yes, that's because it was yourpartner'sappointment and the doctor/midwife may have wanted to do some intimate examinations or try to ascertain that you're not the controlling twat that you come across a

They specifically speak to the women alone because in some cases its the only chance to assess for DV Shock god forbid men not get invited into HER private medical examination. They do realise women are people with the same legal expectations for privacy right?

LittleChristmasMouse · 17/04/2019 17:52

My last labour the induction was started at 9am on Monday morning and I gave birth at 12.30am Saturday.

They kept mucking up the timings of the pessaries because labour ward was busy but I was kept on labour ward, contracting, from Wednesday morning until I gave birth.

My husband stayed with me because I was in such a state (our first baby was a very traumatic birth). I didn't want him to leave me because they kept coming in to do things, I was in pain and I needed him to be there. How could he have survived 5 days without food or water? As it was we were in a very old cottage hospital - the canteen was in another building about a 15 minute walk from labour ward. Why can't they have vending machines on the labour ward? Labours can be very long. I don't think it's unreasonable for birthing partners, whoever they may be, to be able to get a drink and a snack at least.

littlbrowndog · 17/04/2019 18:04

Ofgs little mouse just Ofgs

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 18:08

How could he have survived 5 days without food or water

He wasn't in a desert. He wasnt going to die. Hmm. If you had been on your second labour he'd have had to look after the first child anyway. It may be annoying having him need to pop out but he wasn't a patient. The people taking care of you are already over worked without having to look after your partner too. Not everyone would have been happy with your partner being on the wars for 5 days anyway! Other patients have to observe visiting hours. Your husband was lucky he got that time with you in the first place.

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 18:09

Maybe we just start asking for a menu for all guests visiting patients? I don't think cancer nurses and midwives have enough to do.

Michelleoftheresistance · 17/04/2019 18:10

Isn't there a single instance in which women are allowed to take priority?

No.

As being demonstrated by the gentleman here to tell us all off for our selfishness in not better centering the poor, neglected, confused, needy males in the middle of the birth of their child who needs to be a part of the 'experience'. While also scolding about all this 'hate' from women not leaping to appreciate him and his advice.

Isn't it amazing how 'hate' has become the trademark flag of an AWA?

littlbrowndog · 17/04/2019 18:11

5 long days 5 long nights. No food no water. Unbelievable

LittleChristmasMouse · 17/04/2019 18:11

Seriously, what is the problem?

Women in labour have birth partners - might be the baby's dad, might be the mother's mum, sister or friend. Why is it so outrageous to suggest that a vending machine might be placed on the labour ward so that people who are there over 12 hours might be able to get a drink?

I'm not asking that the woman in labour is ignored, or the partner gets silver service meals brought in.

The alternative is for the birth partner to leave the labouring woman on her own to go out and get some food - is that a better option for you?

littlbrowndog · 17/04/2019 18:13

Yeah

Michelleoftheresistance · 17/04/2019 18:13

Alittlemouse You remind me of the poster ages ago whose DH wanted a third person allowed at the birth, his DM, who would be there to look after him as he would be undergoing the exhausting trauma of supporting his wife through birth. Grin

LittleChristmasMouse · 17/04/2019 18:17

Guyliner

Do you frequently go five days without food and water then?

My elder child was with his grandparents

I wasn't on the main ward. I was in my own room for two days and then 3 days on labour ward in a delivery room.

Yes, he could have left me to get food but once I was on delivery ward I didn't want to be left because.

I have not said I want staff doing anything. Simply, why not have a vending machine on delivery ward so that partners can get a drink quickly without having to leave their partner?

LittleChristmasMouse · 17/04/2019 18:20

littlbrowndog

So you think it's better for the birthing partner to leave the woman in labour alone to go and get something to eat? Good for you when it's your delivery.

I didn't want to be left alone though because of the awful nature of my first delivery.

Erythronium · 17/04/2019 18:21

Remember the long, long threads about dads staying overnight on the maternity ward? Stories emerged from nurses/other mums about dads taking the bed, and the mum sitting in the chair "because he needs some sleep" (!) taking mum's food, demanding sex, leering at other breastfeeding mums.

Maybe this is why men were traditionally barred from the birthing chamber, because lots of people were well aware of what some men are like and the liberties they would take.

Pp91, how can this man be supportive to his wife when he's only thinking about himself? She's giving birth whilst he didn't get his cup of tea. The fact that the latter is what he chose to post about on a public forum shows just how little he's bothered about what his wife is going through. If there was one occasion when it wasn't all about him, this is it, and he failed the test.

Saying that isn't hateful.

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