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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Dads to be are 2nd class citizens on the labour ward because they don't get offered a cup of tea...

394 replies

FromDespairToHere · 16/04/2019 22:09

Hope the link works: www.thedadsnet.com/forums/topic/2nd-class-citizens/?fbclid=IwAR2ah6KP7KIIY1RD5EebUKOBdolCcuI6w2kDndAiZoTBqc2WVWif-HFCeaY

How dare he not be the centre of attention while his wife is giving birth?

Thankfully most of the other men on the forum are quick enough to tell him he's a knob.

OP posts:
Pp91 · 17/04/2019 15:08

Again, disagree. You can't know anything about this man?! For example, maybe he would have got himself a drink and his partner didn't want him leaving the room? Maybe he didn't want to leave as a "Birthing support partner" If she had wrote a blog blasting him for leaving her "just" to get a drink, you would all be tearing chunks off him anyway. So he can't win really? All of you are quick to mock men for doing their father duties but then want to throw your own duties around and expect a medal. Can't have it both way ladies. Whether this bloke meant the teabag line seriously or was using it as a way to connect with the readers is detable. Look past that one line and see the real point of this article and the men that relate to it. It's about wanting to be as much a part of your child's life as possible, not wanting to be served on.

SarahTancredi · 17/04/2019 15:20

The opening line is "currently having a newborn in hospital "
Time to post and divert attention to his phone. Time to get a drink.

Simple

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 15:22

I wasn't offered so much as a biscuit when dh got his vasectomy. I was truly scarred by the experience.

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/04/2019 15:26

Totally disagree with @Pp91, the birth partner is there in a supporting role for the woman in labour. They are not there to have an "experience", they are not an equal part of the labour. They don't have a right to be there.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 17/04/2019 15:27

The opening line is "currently having a newborn in hospital "

Oh no HE isn't.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 17/04/2019 15:28

@Pp91 you seem to have the same unrealistic expectations as the poster in the OP. In a system where a women who have just had major abdominal surgery is expected to walk to the kitchen to get their breakfast you think the men should be having brews made for them by medical staff? Because that would make you feel equal to the person actually giving birth? There are some great responses on that thread and I hope you have jumped to calling them man haters too.

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 15:28

What the fuck are the midwives meant to do to make the guy feel more special? Kick him in the testicles so he gets the full experience?

We know for a fact that care for women is going out the window as they are spread so thinly. His job begins when his wife needs him in labour. He doesn't need to be waited on himself. How offensive to men. My husband would be mortified if anyone thought he was so pathetic he needed pandering to like that.

Thise comments by pp91 should be deleted for breaking talk guidlines on sexism towards men.

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 15:30

Experience labour. Like having your vag or stomach unceremoniously ripped open is a ride at Mother Fucking Disneyland

SarahTancredi · 17/04/2019 15:36

Exactly guy

I wasnt offered so much a paracetamol. Somekme.made me tea in the delivery room or wherever I was but I had to get to and get it. I was really lucky got some anaesthetic ic cold toast too and soneone turned the taps on. Had to re run the bath though unless I wanted hypothermia.

If i could have gone downstairs to Costa like the dads could....

Perhaps I could have borrowed some.paracetamol off the barista too

SarahTancredi · 17/04/2019 15:37

Anaemic cold toast.

Stupid autocorrect

NicoAndTheNiners · 17/04/2019 15:41

As a midwife I do think it's important we acknowledge the role birth partners play in supporting women in labour. Labour can often be happening through the night, canteen is shut or it's a long way to the canteen/vending machines and they don't want to leave their wife.

I've always offered the partner a cuppa when making one for the woman. And afterwards I used to sneak in 4 slices of toast. We used to have a scary ward manager who would see me with 4 slices and shout at me that she hoped I wasn't feeding the dad. I always blatantly lied and said the mum was really hungry and wanted 4 slices! 😁

They do now actually get breakfast on the ward the same as the women since partners can now stop overnight on the antenatal/postnatal ward.

MenuPlant · 17/04/2019 15:42

Lol I got no pain relief either no gas and air nothing even though had been induced, in complete agony with every contraction, passing meconium ie baby distressed.

First pain relief I got was when had spinal block for emergency section in operating theatre.

Cup of tea my arse.

Just remembered. DH v bad at hosp and v pale in corner. I was in a right state. Everyone kept asking him if he was OK :/

MenuPlant · 17/04/2019 15:43

No cups of tea for me for sure...

Pp91 · 17/04/2019 15:44

Cor, it's getting quite a challenge to make sure I answer each point raised! So here goes :

Maybe not equally treated, that's a little hard as the mother is in labour and the father isn't. Maybe equally seen would be a better term? He is the father and he is there to support. Therefore not invisible and shouldn't be treated as such. There would be plenty of hate for guys that didn't go to scans, classes, birth etc so at least this guys gripe is not being involved enough. Better to have someone wanting to be involved than not at all. To not let a father feel invisible all you have to do is speak to him sometimes, look at him while you are talking to both parents etc We are not saying serve us or wait on hand and foot, just acknowledge we are there, we are supporting and we can't do that if we are pushed out. You may not realise it but when you see your missus on the bed, in pain and surrounded by busy midwifes / nurses etc you don't feel you can go and push yourself in. As you say, it's life saving stuff. So why would we want to go and disrupt that happening, instead help us know when we are help rather than hindrance. Not asking alot and it doesn't take any extra time so....

Can I just add, my comments are becoming more my own view rather than the original posters. I can't say what he meant or what he was doing, I'm just talking from a father's point of view now. Some will agree, some won't. But that's our choices and we all have our own ideas of parenting and what it is. No need for such hate when discussing it :)

MenuPlant · 17/04/2019 15:47

A decent man does not want to divert resources from someone who needs them more.

Like I say, people seemed more worried about DH than me when I was about to have my emergency section... He looked a bit pale. So, some health care professionals are giving the right attention to the men, I'm sure you're pleased.

SarahTancredi · 17/04/2019 15:47

Yeah on phone.posting on dadsnet . Real supportive.

Everything you mention is about 40 times more than we get and we were the actual patient.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 17/04/2019 15:48

FFS! I couldn't even get a paracetamol in there.

SarahTancredi · 17/04/2019 15:48

Being ignored is the experience. Btw.

MenuPlant · 17/04/2019 15:48

Women not getting something as basic as pain relief and you're whining on about feeling 'included',.

You can't see how pathetic that is?

SarahTancredi · 17/04/2019 15:57

help us know when we are help rather than hindrance
So we have to parent you too as well.as a newborn baby we just pushed our of our bodies all on zero sleep cos well hospitals are busy loud hot and uncomfortable.

If you dont know, bugger off frankly. Cos we have enough to.worry about without thinking fir our husbands and partners too.

SaskiaRembrandt · 17/04/2019 16:00

When one of my sons was born not only did I not get a cup of tea, but when I got down to the ward I'd missed dinner and was told I'd have to wait until the following morning for something to eat. Luckily, one of the maternity nurses took pity on me and gave me the sandwiches she'd packed for her super. I ate them like the selfish cow I am instead of offering them to DH to keep him going until he got home an hour later.

ErrolTheDragon · 17/04/2019 16:00

I reckon there's something that needs to be clear whenever equality is mentioned in relation to any aspect of parenting.

Front and centre parents should think in terms equality of responsibility, not 'rights'. Parenting should be altruistic not selfish.

So, for fathers, when the mother is in labour the responsibilities are generally about being supportive - figuratively and sometimes literally. I don't remember DH doing any sitting around. AFAIK that's pretty much the norm nowadays. After the birth, the dad's responsibility may be supporting the new mother to recover and be able to put her energy into nursing. Details will vary with each couple, but that sort of thing.

I'm kind of baffled where in any of this someone would be thinking about whether he got offered tea or not.

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 16:02

No need for such hate when discussing it

Push a bowling ball out of your ass and then, then tell us about how important it is for the person next to you to get some some attention.

It's not hateful to call whiny pathetic men whiny and pathetic.

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 16:03

I got a cup of tea but I also got a life time of pissing myself when I sneeze and vaginal pain. I know the real unsung heroes are the tealess men though.

SarahTancredi · 17/04/2019 16:11

They really do think their presence is enough dont they.

That they can sit moaning on their phones and it's ok cos they are being supportive by being there.

Except they need telling what to do so instead of supporting they have now become someone/something else we need to worry about. A problem to solve , how do we keep them happy and fed and hydrated whilst being ignored for hours on end ourselves.

Doesnt occur to them that a trip downstairs for a latte for both of us might not he a bad idea?

But cant play the victim and the martyr if we do that can we....

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