Dads to be are 2nd class citizens on the labour ward because they don't get offered a cup of tea...

[FromDespairToHere]

Hope the link works: www.thedadsnet.com/forums/topic/2nd-class-citizens/?fbclid=IwAR2ah6KP7KIIY1RD5EebUKOBdolCcuI6w2kDndAiZoTBqc2WVWif-HFCeaY

How dare he not be the centre of attention while his wife is giving birth?

Thankfully most of the other men on the forum are quick enough to tell him he's a knob.

It isn't about your "experience" and your time in hospital isn't the "whole" be all and end all of becoming a father. It's about supporting your wife giving birth, either labouring or having major surgery. If you didn't know what to do with your baby then there were midwives and HCP around to ask. You could have walked to the midwives station and asked for guidance.

If you can't manage to find some tap water or the jug of water provided for your wife then you sound like you may struggle generally with basic life tasks.

It's just so stupidly entitled to expect people to scurry around after you like you're royalty.

I've just had a thought, ds has the sense to ask me quite often if he can run and fill his water bottle from school, to take to his club, (usually when he waits until the last minute before saying he's thirsty). Remembering to take it to school is his job now, if he forgets, he goes without, and he's less likely to forget again. So many people must have been incredibly pandered to, for a long time.

My whole experience of becomming a dad was that I was made to feel in the way, unnecessary and a hindrance.

Did you every stop to think that's maybe because you were?
My DH was fab, a real advocate and a support. No idea what he ate and drank - never thought to ask and it would never occur to him to mention it. His focus was entirely me and my needs - which is what you need. All the staff are (rightly) concerned about all the patients, your birth partners job is to focus entirely on you, provide support and if necessary advocate for you. Not bleat about how it felt for them - it's not about them!

I don't get it. Your wife had a scheduled cesarean, why did you not pack snacks and drinks? What did you expect? that you, a non patient, would be fed?
It's not the busy nurses nor the midwives fault that you never held a newborn before, it's also not their fault that you didn't pack any food to come with you when you left home. Their job is the woman giving birth and the child/children. You were not a child and certainly not the woman giving birth.

You know, most mums to be read books/articles/watch videos to prepare for labour, they ask questions of their medical team, they read the hospital literature about what to bring, they prepack their hospital bags, they attend prenatal classes.

They don't plonk down in the hospital with nothing and expect the medical professionals to stop doing their job and cater to non patients.

If you are sitting in a hospital with zero preparation for caring for yourself, your vulnerable partner or your new baby, that's on you. If you feel like your experience was less than wonderful, that's your own fault you selfish man baby.

Then it was my jib as an RGN to feed patients, mobilise them, take them to the toilet, complete fluid balance charts, wash them, change their clothes - last year when my dad was in I did all of that for him. The care in our local hospital where he was was awful
Those are tasks now mainly done by HCA as RNs are too busy doing things that cannot be done by anyone else. In 8 years I've yet to see a family member take control of any sort of care in the way you're describing, which may be a testament to the great job our HCA do. The care was probably 'awful' because they were woefully understaffed, something which would be much worse were we also responsible for family members who render themselves incapable like your husband.

This has absolutely no bearing on whethervisitorsor birth support partners should be fed by the NHS. They clearly should not be

My point was that the food is bad enough because of low budgets without having to stretch further so I'm unsure how it has 'no bearing'

The care was probably 'awful' because they were woefully understaffed, something which would be much worse were we also responsible for family members who render themselves incapable like your husband.

Understaffed? Really? They had 8 RNs on for 26 patients (I counted). I would have looked after 30 patients with 1 RGN and 2 HCAs at night or 4 RGNs and 3 HCAs during the day.

The stock phrase when my dad was in -"he's not my patient" whether he needed the toilet, had chest pain (he had an MI while he was there) or even when the dr was examining him and dad moved and dislodged his cannula - the dr called out to a nurse for some help and the nurse gave him a look and said "not my patient" as she walked off. So, nothing to do with my husband because he wasn't there.

When dad finally got moved to CCU the nurses there asked us to put in a formal complaint because they knew that the ward was so bad.

Or maybe you think it was my dad's fault for rendering himself incapable - having had a large GI bleed and subsequent heart attack because they didn't transfuse him quickly enough?

You know what, I’m struggling to understand how someone who claims to have worked for the NHS can honestly think that the best way for their funds to be used is to feed and cater to anyone and everyone who turns up to visit.
As someone who has worked for the NHS for 20 years on and off (although not in a caring role) I can think of at least 40 areas which would come before aunt Maureen’s egg and cress sandwich, and that’s just in one department.

Also as a 'nurse' you should know that 8 nurses being on the ward doesn't mean they're all ward nurses and can help you.

HalfBloodPrincess

Because I have not once said the NHS should feed anyone who turns up!!

I have said on a very limited number of wards - ITU (if relatives are staying), NICU and paeds. Why is it ok for a breastfeeding mum on paeds to be fed but not a mum with a baby on NICU? That doesn't make sense.

And as I said there are plenty of other areas where the NHS is happy to waste money - providing transport to people who could provide it themselves but choose not to is a prime example. Duplicating tests because hospitals can't share results is another.

I can't understand how any HCPs here can defend the poorest people in society having to spend vast sums of money in order to stay with a sick child in hospital. How is that acceptable to you?

When we were at the hospital after my first baby DH was excluded from helping to hold and dress the baby. A midwife shouted at him as she thought he was trying to use the only toilet on the ward which was reserved for patients only (he wasn't he was just trying to find it so he could tell me where it was) and he was also told by a very stern midwife that he needed to "be careful or you will drop your baby". Rather than seeing this as an insult, DH still talks about this fondly now. This is probably one of the only times he has experienced women being favoured over men, and thank goodness women are a priority on a maternity ward!

Also as a 'nurse' you should know that 8 nurses being on the ward doesn't mean they're all ward nurses and can help you.

What does that even mean? Their pictures and names were up on the board at the desk. They were in and out of bays dealing with "their" patients. I am pretty sure that they were ward nurses. Why would the dr have called out to a nurse, by name, to help him knowing that she didn't work on the ward?

You're trying to turn everything into a personal attack against your or one of your family.

Err, no. you turned it into an attack on my family with your sarcastic remark about my " incapable" husband. Why do you think you have the right to make such remarks and then demand that someone doesn't reply to them?

As for this
I GUESS ITS MY FAULT MY LABOUR WAS SO BAD AND I NEARLY DIIIIIIEEEDDDD.

Do you think that is ok? I think that comment says more about you than it does me.

Why is it ok for a breastfeeding mum on paeds to be fed but not a mum with a baby on NICU? That doesn't make sense

Because a breastfeeding mum is feeding her baby, the patient. If she was expressing to feed the baby on NICU she would have a meal provided too.

They dont though.

They do have options.

Has anyone been found dead and Skeletal by their kids bedside?

Its s hospital. They treat those who are sick. Thats what it's there for.

If people wont leave to go to o.the parents room.to stick.some water in a pot noodle then I dont know what you expect tbh.

Yiu talk as if no one else has ever had to deal with it. Mist of us have probably had to live off Luke warm water and cereal bars at some point whilst in hospital.with our children.

Or had to.go home and pack as they are being transported.

We still didnt assume we would be looked after as we arebt the patient.

If she was expressing to feed the baby on NICU she would have a meal provided too

Certainly didn't happen in the 3 weeks we were in NICU. Not one meal or drink was provided for any of us.

SarahTancredi

But just because people do it doesn't make it right.

We have people relying on benefits and food banks - how the hell do they manage if a child goes into hospital? Where do they find the money from to buy food when they can't afford it at home?

What StopThePlanet said.

Well then they wouldnt be eating anyway would they

Their situation isnt technically any worse and their kid is getting fed at least.

Look I'm not unsympathetic to the situations people are in. I know full well now hard it can be when your kid is in hospital. Mine have had a few admissions themselves.

But the hospitals are not there to solve everyone's problems. There are other agencies who are there to assist.

In other countries those people wouldn't have insurance so would possibly not even be in the hospital at all. So in those cases these people are able to access treatment.

But anything else well that's their problem.to solve. They are nurses and drs but they arent there to do your thinking for you

Is this a thing now? Disregarding the thread topic and filling it up with random complaints about bad experiences of the NHS? I'll have a go... I once had a midwife tell me to stop crying during a miscarriage because it wasn't the end of the world. I mean, at least that's tangentially related to the OP...

Certainly didn't happen in the 3 weeks we were in NICU. Not one meal or drink was provided for any of us

Guidelines have probably changed in the 30 years or so since you gave birth.

Research has shown that the increase in difficulty to feed/low milk supply is partly due to breastfeeding mothers not eating and drinking enough/dieting in the immediate weeks/months after giving birth (another feminist issue due to the pressures society puts on women who have given birth surrounding how quickly you should be ‘getting back into your jeans’)
Making sure a breastfeeding mother has adequate food and drink to be able to breastfeed the patient effectively is extremely important which is why they’re fed and formula feeding mothers aren’t.

Us: want to debate about idiot partners and the NHS

You (general you) aren't "debating" anything.

The OP selected a story about one idiot partner who had already been firmly put in his place by male posters on another thread. OP posted a thread title referring to "dads" plural. I think one male poster has said on here he was badly treated and got the same response the original idiot got.

It's hardly a debate is it? I'm not really sure what point the OP thought the thread serves - beyond let's all have a laugh at the idiot partner (which he deserved)

You (general you) bang on about class analysis yet the OP has done exactly the reverse- taking one idiot man and turned him into the class of male parents.

I’ve just read this whole thread with disbelief. For what it’s worth littlemouse I had pre eclampsia too, emergency section and spent the first night of my sons life in intensive care and a week in hospital after. So I know where you’re coming from. I haven’t got a fucking clue what ExDH ate. He was looking after me and our son.

His job was to take care of what I needed, not me worrying if he’d only had a kitkat for days. The nurses were there to take care of me and my baby. Not him. This entitled man child tried to make it about him and women like you enable this behaviour. Shame on you.