Dads to be are 2nd class citizens on the labour ward because they don't get offered a cup of tea...

[FromDespairToHere]

Hope the link works: www.thedadsnet.com/forums/topic/2nd-class-citizens/?fbclid=IwAR2ah6KP7KIIY1RD5EebUKOBdolCcuI6w2kDndAiZoTBqc2WVWif-HFCeaY

How dare he not be the centre of attention while his wife is giving birth?

Thankfully most of the other men on the forum are quick enough to tell him he's a knob.

Vending machines in NHS hospitals are shit. Drinks with a load of artificial sweeteners and 'low fat' chemical shitstorms for food. Just Eat is the answer!

Absolutely Pp91, sometimes thus forum is a man hating echo chamber and it deteriorates into childish playground behaviour imo.

While I've only been around MN FWR for about 2 years (lurking up until 2019 lol) I have to disagree.

I think if you read the posts through the filters or lens of previous posts you get a much clearer and more complete picture. If you take a single post at face value you may walk away feeling like a lot of posters hate men (including myself). Many of those posts are tongue-in-cheek, some are snarky, but I think the majority of those that you may construe as being man-hating are just an expression of frustration. With all of the terrible things men as a group perpetrate on women as a group and all of the things that men assume and say about women - blowing off steam is necessary.

I think what you will usually find is an outrage in general against the oppressions, pain, and death that men inflict on women.

This is not a place for men to find empowerment - most places in the world are set up for men's comfort and empowerment. This is a place for women to share ideas, find support, and work through difficult ideas and topics as a team by gaining additional insight and discourse with those of differing perspectives.

One of the reasons I love it here is because it isn't an echo chamber - there are a lot of challenges to thoughts and ingrained perspectives/behaviors. As women we do have some universal truths that all women on the planet share... while most (possibly all) posters on FWR enjoy life much more secure and safe than say women in Darfur, the struggle is real.

Misogynistic attempts to erase us and our rights is ongoing every day.

If you really find posters to be childish and man-hating I recommend you read more of the threads and really read the posts (in their entirety). I'm not one to make a judgment on one post by one poster in one moment of time - every thread I visit I read in its entirety from beginning to end so that I may educate myself on the discourse occurring around a subject. Those that do not apply this logic in visiting these threads may walk away with a skewed perspective on the conversation(s) and the posters having said conversation(s).

This is a diverse collective of women with varying thoughts that enjoy challenging each other to think more, to be better, to learn more, to work harder to hold up our rights, and to support those who come behind us.

What a plonker. If anything, your job is to help the hospital staff by assisting your labouring partner, advocating for them, looking after their needs.

(As an aside, I’m often baffled by how dependent people are on tea.)

If dads really feel so overlooked,underfed and neglected and what not

They don't though. One man in the link did, and he was shouted down by other men.
Probably other men do to, but not many.

Most hospitals are reliant on relatives carrying out tasks that would have been done by nurses when I was a nurse

How long ago was that? Because there's nothing that relatives do that I do as a nurse. Some hca tasks like feeding and walking about but thats about it. In fact it's rare we have family members doing ANYTHING even the ones who claim to be the person's 'main carer'.

And the food in our hospitals is poor enough for actual patients who vitally need nutrition, let alone then having to stretch the budget to perfectly well adults who can go and sort themselves out.

Maybe you should start a charity if you're that arsed.

One man in the link did, and he was shouted down by other men.

That does give me faith, I must admit, that I didn't snare the only man on earth that isn't an entitled arse There are obviously many other good men around.

Sadly there are a fair few entitled arse men around to - a quick read of the relationships section here sees to that.

*too. Typo, not grammatical ignorance

Prequelle

I left nursing 20 years ago. Then it was my jib as an RGN to feed patients, mobilise them, take them to the toilet, complete fluid balance charts, wash them, change their clothes - last year when my dad was in I did all of that for him. The care in our local hospital where he was was awful.

When I was a patient in a London hospital a couple of weeks ago I was self caring and self medicating so can't comment on nursing care. Medical care was superb and the food shocked me as to how good it was, and the variety was huge. Clearly a huge difference between how that and our local hospital is run.

If dads really feel so overlooked,underfed and neglected and what not

They don't though. One man in the link did, and he was shouted down by other men.
Probably other men do to, but not many

I know 12 pages about 1 man who had already been taken down.

Well, hospital food hit the news as being worse quality than prison food, quite recently. So I think there was an initiative to improve it. That's a good thing - nutrition is hugely important to a patient's health and recovery.

This has absolutely no bearing on whether visitors or birth support partners should be fed by the NHS. They clearly should not be.

As a dad I can only relate my own experience and 1 I heard from a friend. My own experience first time at least was to arrive at the hospital at 6.30am for a cesarean. It was 12 by the time my wife was stitched up and out of theater, I had been moved into the maternity ward with our baby around 10.30. At this point my daughter was the first baby I had ever held and I had no clue what I was doing I didnt dare put her down and even when my wife arrived she was still out of it and so I just sat there holding my daughter. After an hour or so a nurse brought toast and tea for my wife and passed our daughter over. When I finally asked about a drink around 8 hours after arriving I was told the cafe was shut and there was no where else to get a drink. I eventually left the hospital some 14 hours after arriving having not had so much as a drink of water in that time. While much of that was down to my own naivety surely it wouldnt be too hard to provide a glass of water? My other story regards a friend who's wife gave birth after a long labour around 8pm and asked about something to eat for her. He was told there would be nothing available till the next morning apparently he tried to bring her some food from outside and ended up being thrown out and barred from returning. I'm not in the least bit suggesting that the fathers should be a priority after birth but it would seem that most hospitals see them as a hindrance.

single why didn't you take bottles of water and snacks with you for the day? A 4 hour wait for a c-section is pretty quick and to be nipping home within 8 hours isn't bad compared to some people who wait days if there's lots of emergencies (ex NHS worker here!)

I hear ya about the food though. When I had DS I got the worlds smallest egg and tomato sandwich - and nothing else - for my evening meal. I insisted on being discharged, if had him that morning and was as right as rain, DH picked me up and we went for a Chinese. But had I had to stay, like I did with my DD, I'd have been screwed food-wise. Awful that they treat patients that way especially ones who've been through a painful, exhausting and traumatic experience just hours earlier.

Sorry just read you were there 14 hours. Doh! Still, your wife was the patient, the one who needed tea and toast and was unable to pop down to the cafe, why would it even occur to staff to feed and water you?

wife gave birth after a long labour around 8pm and asked about something to eat for her. He was told there would be nothing available till the next morning

Yeah - I've been there. I gave birth to ds2 at exactly 8pm, and had vomited copiously during labour. I was starving - I got the tea and toast, and what dh could give me ( sandwiches and snacks he's packed I think" and that was it till the morning.

I have never moaned about this, what I moaned a bit about was them not noticing I was so advanced in labour, despite me telling them about the pain I was in, and then, them wheeling me through a public corridor shouting 'out of the way, emergency!" to the delivery room, where I gave birth exactly 10 mins later.

I guess we have to think of "Fawlty Towers" rather than the "Ritz" and that the last thing on mine and my DH's mind at that time was whether he'd been given a drink. However, I was given a jug of water next to my bed after all 3 of mine were delivered, and dh could easily have had a drink of this.

I was also starving after the birth of ds1 - and got given the veritable feast of cottage cheese and lettuce for lunch. Yum.

They are not even the worst of my birth stories - not even close. Most women's birth and aftercare is pretty shit, in my experience. We just get over it. It would be lovely if it could be improved, but I won't hold my breath.

While much of that was down to my own naivety surely it wouldnt be too hard to provide a glass of water?

Surely you asked about taps and water fountains? Why would you expect staff to bring you anything, it's not a restaurant.

I've used JustEat and even Sainsbury's delivery for food whilst living with an ill child in hospital. You just take out your phone . . .

*And top of my list of improvements would not be cups of tea for the dads. Sorry. (Not sorry).

Oh, yes, that was grand, eh, being expected to walk to get food after you've given birth and can't feel your legs or have just had major surgery or have suffered a haemorrhage. But what about de menz?

Imagine all these overstretched nurses and midwives running around providing glasses of water (or three course meals) for men. I'm sure that would increase the level of care for mothers and babies.

It was my first child I had no idea what to expect. I guess I assumed there would be some sort of facilities in the hospital. There was no food or drink available on site and water was not provided. Second time around I was better prepared.

Not a single tap in the whole place? Wow.

When I had my first child, I considered it my responsibility to do some research to get as much of an idea of what to expect as possible.

I can only repeat what I was told at the time which was there was no way for me to get anything to drink on site. In hindsight yes I'm sure I could have sorted something but firstly I was slightly overwhelmed by the fact I was now a parent and secondly I felt totally unwelcome.

My whole experience of becomming a dad was that I was made to feel in the way, unnecessary and a hindrance. This was from the first scan through to my wife leaving hospital.

I did wonder if you could get a tesco online shop order or similar, delivered to a ward. Even if you had to ring a friend or relative to order it for you/give them your details. Drinks, fruit, bread and jam, a cake or muffins, rice snacks, protein/cereal bar. Cheap basics. Or here you can order a wait and return taxi, that takes you to a shop then brings you straight back, a mile and back would be about £6? And most takeaway places sell drinks now, and will deliver to hospital. My local hospital has a Mccdonalds across the road, that's always packed.

Basic stuff can be taken in anyway though? I wasn't interested in food when I was in labour, but if I was someones birth partner, I'd have a drink and snacks packed, and probably some money on me just in case. When I was kept in with the flu while pregnant, my mum and dp brought me in juice, crisps etc. My mum was in hospital recently for surgery, and my stepdad and uncle both brought her in multipacks of chocolate, to cheer her up, and I had to go in search of a vending machine to get her a bottle of coke. Surely keeping yourself and your loved one fed and watered (as hospital food can be hit or miss), is part and parcel of the experience? Nuses don't have time to make toast or tea!

I don’t know whether DP are or drank during my labours. He firmly stayed beside me right thro and when I suggested he have some of the snacks I’d packed for me, he firmly refused saying I might want them later.

I’m going to have to ask him what he did as I was labouring for three days with one DC.

He’s never complained and has never expressed anything but the utmost gratitude to the midwives and consultant who helped bring DC safely into the world.

I’d imagine if he was getting in the way the midwives would have given him short and shrift also. But they didn’t. And we’re very nice to both of us. He got offered a coffee when we had DC2, neither of us asked nor expected him to get anything. I gave birth at 3am so nothing was open. But I don’t think DP was thinking of food when cuddling his newborn.