Miss/Ms/Mrs

[gigi556]

I'm getting married next month. I'm not taking my husbands surname.

Bit of background which may or may not be relevant... I'm an American living in the UK for many many years. I'm also an Italian national but identify more as American which is where I grew up. As an Italian, I'm not allowed to change my surname so makes the issue a bit of a moot point. However, given the choice I'd rather keep my name anyway.

Do most people use Ms once married if they keep their name or would they have used it before then anyway? I've always used Miss without giving it much thought. I guess I've never liked the sound of Ms. Silly I know. Even though the point of using it is to be neutral, the connotation to me is feminist (not a bad thing but perhaps negative to some in society?) or divorced. Maybe I should buy a title so I don't have to use any of them

Thoughts? Maybe these prefixes should be done away with for everyone. It's not something my other half has to think about at all!

I would. just keep what you’ve always used. My own preference is Ms, but making a point of changing would probably make it more of a “thing” than it need be in your case. Or you could just gradually change. Strange that you seem worried that others might think you’re a feminist, though!

Ms is pretty universal in American public life.

I've used Ms since I was about 18. Definitely a feminist, definitely not divorced.

If you don't like it don't use it. No-one's ever commented on my using it.

I've been Mrs for over forty years but avoid using it if at all possible. I use my first name or initials - in fact I had a fight with the bank to stop them automatically printing Mrs on my cheques back in the day.

It's very rare that someone really needs to know your marital status. If they insist but I deem it unnecessary, I would use Ms.

I always use Ms though happily married. Used it when not married too.

Why does Italy have a law banning name changes? That's interesting.

I use Ms or Mrs but that's with a double barrel surname, if it makes a difference.

I used Ms until I could use Dr.

" making a point of changing would probably make it more of a “thing” than it need be in your case."

In what way? There can hardly be many people who call you by your title who you see regularly anyway. Just start saying 'Ms' when people ask you for the title. Nobody would bat an eyelid.
I use Ms when asked, but in reality I think it's more used in written form in the UK, people tend to use Miss or Mrs when talking out loud. You just fill the forms in with Ms and not worry what people call you day to day.
I mean, how many people use your title if you're under 60. I can only think of the pharmacy and possibly the bank.

"Why does Italy have a law banning name changes? That's interesting."

Lots of countries do. In quite a few European countries, women will use their husbands' names socially, but keep their maiden name for work or just for official purposes - the maiden name stays on their official 'papers' (ID etc.) although some of those papers might mention the married name in brackets or something.
In some European countries it's not customary for women to change their surnames at all e.g. Spain. Is Italy the same OP?

"Do most people use Ms once married if they keep their name or would they have used it before then anyway?"

I was Miss before getting married but that was more by default than by choice.

After getting married I added DH's surname to my own and changed my title to Ms.

I am a feminist (shock horror) and if I have daughters I will use Ms for them until they are old enough to decide themselves.

My sister (also a feminist) decided to change from Miss to Ms, not because she was getting married but because she wanted to, and she just quietly did it.

I think you should use Ms unless you can't bear the thought of people thinking you're a feminist

Further googling suggests that your surname forms part of your NI/social security number in Italy so it's a pain to change. I assumed as you couldn't do it legally then you wouldn't change it at all - bit annoying if the expectation is still to have a married name socially/at work etc.

@Gwenhwyfar yes, I guess Italy is like Spain. I don't think it's customary. My family was granted citizenship later in life and my mother was told she needed to change her name back!

I guess I'll use Ms and I suppose it's only on forms etc that people use it anyway. To be fair, I don't think I'd correct people if they referred to me as Mrs DPs Surname.

I guess it's a shame we even have to give it thought. Why not just change everything to Ms. I bet people would get used to it quickly if it was the only option!

"Why not just change everything to Ms. I bet people would get used to it quickly if it was the only option!"

They have more or less done this in France now with government departments instructed to call everyone Madame, whether married or not.

""Do most people use Ms once married if they keep their name or would they have used it before then anyway?""

I think that strictly speaking and according to old-fashioned etiquette types you would be Miss forever if still using your maiden name, but in reality I think a lot of people use Mrs with maiden name, even though technically I suppose that would indicate you're married to your father or brother.
Ms is the one that makes most sense for feminists, but I think it is awkward to pronounce and most women would accept Mrs with maiden name.

Adult women have been called Madame for ages, though, haven't they - wasn't that why 'Ms' was invented (by Gloria Steinham) - to provide a title for adult women which wasn't as juvenile and thus unauthoritative as 'Miss'? I watched Camille Paglia speaking about this recently, I got the impression that the use by married women (so their marital status wasn't on show) was secondary - it was to stop women having the girlish title of Miss.

I was born in 1951 and my mother was an early feminist in a small British colony (now independent). She was among the first women in the country to work after having a child, one of the first to get divorced, one of the first to be a single working mother (with me).
When she got divorced she changed her name from Mrs (husband name) to Miss (maiden name). I was 3 at the time so it was 1953, and was considered a very daring and even scandalous move -- what about the child???
Indeed, I grew up very much hating the fact that I had a different name to my mother, and that she was a Miss it kind of suggested that I was illegitimate, a scandal at the time! My mum was active in human rights right up tp her death aged 96, and she always used the title Miss. So I guess it really doesn't matter if you are confident enough you can pull off anything.
I took my husband's name because I wanted the family to have a common name, and as I was a SAHM it made more sense; plus it's a German name and he was German and we lived in German so just better all around. I never attached much importance to keeping my maiden name. I use Ms.
But I have a pen name which is the name I use publicly, as I am a writer, and that's the name most people know me as now; it's my Facebook name, my Twitter name, the name I give when I meet people.. Most people don't know my official name, which is a bit hard to pronounce, being German.

I believe the use of 'Ms' is even more commonplace in the US than the U.K. (though I'll guess that may vary by state) - and also less use of titles anyway there. I think if I was you I'd just not use anything as far as possible, and Ms where there's a mandatory box to tick.

I used Ms since my teens, before and after marriage.

I've spent a long time working in US firms with US clients and I'm struggling to think of a single woman who went by anything other than Ms. It's. also the norm in business in the U.K. now.

No one calls grown women Miss anymore in the country I come from, so I've always used Ms. Since I got married, I've been using Ms or Mrs depending on the circumstances. Didn't change my name either, but I do use my husband's name because my own is difficult to spell and pronounce to people here and sometimes when I don't want to be immediately labelled an immigrant. My maiden name rather gives the game away. When I do use my maiden name I use Mrs, too. Which has led to the assumption sometimes that my husband is Mr CharlieParley instead of having his own name. An interesting bit of role reversal...

That should say I do use my husband's name occasionally Mostly I go by my own, only when I can't be bothered to spell out my name or want to be in stealth do I use his.

Ms is slowly dying.

It is becoming increasingly common for women to be call Mrs regardless, eg Mrs JK Rowling, or Mrs Merkel who is in reality Mrs Sauer.

I was Ms until I qualified and have been Dr ever since. I didn’t take DH’s surname when we married and I still don’t use it now I’m widowed.
I’ve been a feminist since the early 70’s.

I’ve used Ms ever since I got my first ATM card and have stuck with it faithfully despite being on husband number 3.

You can do whatever you like though, Miss/Mrs is only tradition, not law.

Ms is slowly dying.

Any stats to prove that?

It is becoming increasingly common for women to be call Mrs regardless, eg Mrs JK Rowling, or Mrs Merkel who is in reality Mrs Sauer.

Even supposing that's true, what we're discussing is how women wish to be referred to. And if the 'Mrs' isn't of the woman's choosing, I'm sure you'd agree it's rude to apply it to her. What do you mean by 'in reality Mrs Sauer' ... maybe she uses 'Frau Sauer' socially since remarriage, but it's entirely normal for women with any sort of public profile to retain a known name for professional purposes. Very common among scientists and performers.

“Ms is slowly dying.“
Is it? Tell that to the Americans!