Miss/Ms/Mrs

[gigi556]

I'm getting married next month. I'm not taking my husbands surname.

Bit of background which may or may not be relevant... I'm an American living in the UK for many many years. I'm also an Italian national but identify more as American which is where I grew up. As an Italian, I'm not allowed to change my surname so makes the issue a bit of a moot point. However, given the choice I'd rather keep my name anyway.

Do most people use Ms once married if they keep their name or would they have used it before then anyway? I've always used Miss without giving it much thought. I guess I've never liked the sound of Ms. Silly I know. Even though the point of using it is to be neutral, the connotation to me is feminist (not a bad thing but perhaps negative to some in society?) or divorced. Maybe I should buy a title so I don't have to use any of them

Thoughts? Maybe these prefixes should be done away with for everyone. It's not something my other half has to think about at all!

I think the simple truth is that many people do follow cultural norms. If we'd been born in a different place or time our choices would have been different (or non existent).

That's what I did, >30 years ago. If I'd liked my birth name more I might have retained it for professional use.

“Clearly he is anti-feminism?! Why else would he keep his own surname upon marriage and not change it to mine or DB it?!!”

It’s absolutely fine to say that you don’t know, and have never actually thought about it, you know!

The truth is, I really couldn't care less what he chooses to call himself! Makes no difference to me!

My father was a complete and utter bastard so as soon as I was old enough I ditched his surname took my mother's surname.

I am getting married this year and will be double barreling my mum's surname with my fiance's surname. He is also double barreling so we will both be the same. This means we both have a link to each other's children too.

I was umming and awwing about whether to use Ms or Mrs but after reading this thread I think I will go with Ms. My husband to be doesn't own me. And I don't think its fair that women can be identified as married through Mrs, yet men can't.

Actually I kind of feel like that about engagement rings although I absolutely love mine why is it that women is identified as "taken" yet the man is not? Maybe men should also wear engagement rings? hmm

SpartacusAutisticusAHF - an amazing article that puts into words what I could never articulate. Thank you for posting.

I've always been Ms Birth surname. Married 7 years. Been in partnership with husband for over 30 years.

But I don't really see the need for anyone to have a title. Unless it's in relation to a qualification.

Family keep calling me Mrs HisSurname, one particular person at work keeps calling me Mrs HisSurname. I find it unbearably rude and need to find a backbone and tell them to stop

Don’t respond. Call them by a name that isn’t yours. They’ll soon get bored.

"Legally you are Mrs HisSurname, despite what you want to pretend"

Tell them that you’ll believe that when they produce whichever piece of legislation they believe confers it/that you hope they have better grasp of things that actually are laws, else they end up the wrong side of them.

But I loathe, really loathe, when we receive xmas cards to "Mrs and Mr Hubbyname". They are sent by nice, kind people (often the elderly ones!) so I do not feel like telling them off but I can't stand it.

I send them back. (15 years and counting)

“The truth is, I really couldn't care less what he chooses to call himself! Makes no difference to me!”
So, with the greatest of respect, what are you doing in this thread if you’re not interested in delving a bit into why we do wht we do?

I kept my name but always went by Ms anyway once I was an adult

I kept my surname when I married but use Miss, I dislike titles and think we should have the option not to use one, most forms give you the option of prefer not to say when it comes to gender and religion but not for titles.

@Kennehora I haven't opted to DB because it's "expected" of me though - I have chosen to DB because of what it personally means to me. Same as to why I am divorced but still a Miss and will remain a Miss when I am married. I don't tend to follow convention but do things because I want to do them that way, not because other people do "x" or believe that "y" means this. I'm disliked for it sometimes but that's OK too.

This is one of my pet peeves - having to make a distinction when men don't have to. I sometimes choose some random title like 'lady' if I'm forced to choose on a drop down menu (so long as it's not something official) While I'm happily married, I just object to the distinction versus men's catch-all 'Mr.' However, to answer the OP I would choose Ms.

@Kennehora In this instance yes, my wishes go with convention. Just happens to be that way. I'm not going to change my mind because others may think X about me-that's up to them. I'm not led by what others think. A lot of people, for example, thought I was barking when I didn't buy a cot for either of my babies. Waste of money IMO. "You'll change your mind" they said. Nope!

@Kennehora

In my bed with me ☺

I was Mrs X for a few years now back to Ms C. When I remarry (and I've already informed my DP about this) I won't take his surname, I made that mistake once, won't do it again. My surname is part of my identity and no man will.change that.

escaperoomuser
I found your post very refreshing to read, I admire your choices and the fact that your fiancé is going to change his name too - sounds like you've picked a good'un

FWIW my DH did not want to change his name, which I found disappointing. His choice of course but still very telling - men have not been conditioned to change their names readily, the way that women have.

My dad used to say the title 'Ms.' was only used by "divorcees and lesbians". Ironically for him I grew up to be both!

When I married (a man) I kept my name and changed from Miss to Ms . I was a teacher so it had a slight difference for my day to day but not really and to be honest no one really cared either way about the title. The keeping my maiden name thing provoked a fair bit of debate by that was the least of my worries to be honest!

Since I got divorced, I have used Miss and Ms fairly interchangeably, though I actually tend to prefer Miss despite being a little (ahem) over 30.

It's a shame "Mrs" has come to be associated with marriage and the assumption that your surname is your husband's surname. I'd much prefer it to go back to being simply the shortened form of "Mistress". There really is no need for an honorific that reveals a person's marital status.

Maybe it's time to start a revolution. If enough unmarried women started using "Mrs" it would catch on again eventually.

“Maybe it's time to start a revolution. If enough unmarried women started using "Mrs" it would catch on again eventually.“

But why???? We’ve got Ms. Why not just use that?

A lot of people, for example, thought I was barking when I didn't buy a cot for either of my babies.

That’s unlikely to affect the earning power or societal value of any daughters though.

(Didn’t have a cot either. Mine slept in with me or in a hammock next to me.)

@MoreSlidingDoors Well I don't have any daughters-I have two boys and my fiance has no bio children!

How will being Miss DB affect these things?