Miss/Ms/Mrs

[gigi556]

I'm getting married next month. I'm not taking my husbands surname.

Bit of background which may or may not be relevant... I'm an American living in the UK for many many years. I'm also an Italian national but identify more as American which is where I grew up. As an Italian, I'm not allowed to change my surname so makes the issue a bit of a moot point. However, given the choice I'd rather keep my name anyway.

Do most people use Ms once married if they keep their name or would they have used it before then anyway? I've always used Miss without giving it much thought. I guess I've never liked the sound of Ms. Silly I know. Even though the point of using it is to be neutral, the connotation to me is feminist (not a bad thing but perhaps negative to some in society?) or divorced. Maybe I should buy a title so I don't have to use any of them

Thoughts? Maybe these prefixes should be done away with for everyone. It's not something my other half has to think about at all!

Was just having a convo with a man about this debate. He was like "Well if you had kids together and you're married, wouldn't you want you pair and the kids to all have same surname?" He went on to say that it was "natural" for the kids to take their dad's surname. I went on to say that I regretted giving my kids their dad's surname!
Why is this uniform surname business so bloody important?! We will be a family of four with three different surnames and that's cool with me! Doesn't make us any less of a family.

He went on to say that it was "natural" for the kids to take their dad's surname.

It's so ingrained, he probably genuinely believes that and hasn't considered why. But other cultures do it differently.

The Spanish way seems quite good. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanishnamingg_customs

It's odd that the same people who can see through the bollocks about name changing and rings can't see that all the other public show-off stuff is just as much a load of invented nonsense.

A small, intimate ceremony in front of a few friends and family is not show-offy. Weddings don't have to be huge expensive affairs.

All societies and cultures mark major life passages with ceremonies.

To answer your question a fair way back up the thread (catching up now), @Ella1980, I didn't take XH's surname when we married. Our DC have my surname. Thank God!!!

"He went on to say that it was "natural" for the kids to take their dad's surname."

Actually it's "traditional" for children to have their mother's surname. Of course it used to be more common for women to be married and take their husband's surname before having children. But children born "out of wedlock" were given their mother's surname.

I feel strongly that children should share a surname with their primary caregiver, who is usually their mother. The other parent (usually father) can add their surname as a second surname or as a middle name if they want.

Ms Slanted when I was single, when I was married and after the divorce here.

Having said that, 'Slanted' is the name of my mother's ex husband. A.k.a. the man who has generously donated half of his DNA to me and is, as such, responsible for both the gorgeous deep-blue-going-on-violet colour of my eyes and my rather unfortunate jaw line. A.k.a. the man I should call my father - except for the fact that he's done fuck all to deserve this honorific.

I didn't take my exH's name upon getting married for entirely practical reasons. I'm not planning on getting married ever again. But if the man I'm seeing were to propose and if I were to accept, I'd rather have his name - that of someone I chose, love and respect - than that of the accident of birth I'm stuck with.

Really, I'd rather have my mother's name. But given my professional standing "Taken F. Slanted" is sort of an industry wide recogniseable brand at this point and it'd be a dumb idea to change it.

AnotherEmma - I had a conversation with my DP last night about this thread and he made an interesting point.

He said he would love to be able to tell the world he is married through a change of title, but that men don't have that choice.

I never thought of it that way before.

I have been Ms since I was 16. My marital status is no one's business.

But why does anyone want to tell the world they're married?

I asked him that. He said it would be nice to have the choice and that he wants the world to know he is married to the most wonderful person on Earth obvs

I don't know tbh...by the time we got to that part of the conversation we were both falling asleep on the sofa. I think it was more his stream of thought rather than "its not fair we men don't get a choice"

I just thought it was an interesting point that I'd never thought of before.

I mean men have never denied themselves anything that's beneficial. So why have they chosen not to share that info, collectively?

Good point. I think historically it all boils down to ownership, doesn't it?

I know I'm a bit late but I wanted to note that I chose this username precisely because Ms is under-used and indeed under-recognised as a possibility. I made a contribution to a thread elsewhere on MN and the OP thanked me, as "MrsTiggywinkletoyou". Even when it's there in front of people's eyes, they don't see it. (I don't think it was just an oversight by one individual.)