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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

I've realised that I just don't like men very much...

999 replies

SandAndSnow · 04/02/2019 14:03

And I wanted to talk through it a bit, if that's ok. I hope this is the right place.

I'm sitting on a train next to a terrible man spreader so I'm feeling a bit raged at the moment, but it's also made me realise that I increasingly tend to treat men with caution and, if I'm honest, dislike.

I'm in my early thirties, have been sexually assaulted by 3 different boys/men, had a truly awful experience with a bullying (male) obstetrician, my father is an emotionally and at times physically abusive bully and I've been passed over for promotion in favour of a younger and less well qualified colleague by a male boss. As well as all the regular crap like street harassment, manspreading etc. I'm happily married, and I have a couple of male friends, but I'm generally much more comfortable and happy in the company of other women.

Now, perhaps I've been unlucky, and I need to just get over all of this. I'm entirely happy to be told this! Smile And I'm happy to be told that this isn't normal, and I should seek help for this too.

But I wonder if other women feel the same, and that this is actually a rational response to the experiences which I've had?

OP posts:
Calvinsmam · 07/02/2019 14:38

I'm a bit shocked at the behaviour exhibited by husbands you seem to consider nice or decent.

Are you talking about my husband here?????

I’ve never said his behaviour was nice or decent. Neither does he think it was.

He watched pornography when he was younger and went to a lap dancing club again when he was younger.

Then he questioned his own male entitlement and thinks that behaviour is abhorrent and doesn’t do it any more and pulls up other men for it too.

This was before I met him.

Waspnest · 07/02/2019 14:39

Is anyone able to explain how the positions of not liking men and then forming the most significant and closest relationship you have with a man, are compatible ?

Well I can only speak for myself but I think when I was young and met DH liking/disliking men didn't really enter my head (even when I was dragged into an alleyway by a stranger and assaulted). It is only as I have got older, read more, watched the news every night seeing men basically spread mayhem across the world and had a daughter that I have stopped trusting unknown men. Reading all the threads on AIBU about men treating women like shit make me think, how grateful am I that I married a good 'un and no if anything happened to him/us I'd probably stay single.

Even DH wondered how long it would be before a man was arrested in the Libby Squires case because it's so so predictable.

Calvinsmam · 07/02/2019 14:39

^I think a lot of this, not including actual crimes, but about entitled behaviour, laziness, misogynistic views is down to how you let people treat you.

People do what you let them get away with.^

Ahhhh yes. Men’s bad behaviour is women’s fault.

LangCleg · 07/02/2019 14:39

God, can this thread not just be over already?

It says a great deal about anti-feminists that they obsess over dominating threads on a feminist board.

ScipioAfricanus · 07/02/2019 14:40

So just plain victim blaming then, Weetabix.

M

GlitterStick · 07/02/2019 14:41

It says a great deal about anti-feminists that they obsess over dominating threads on a feminist board.

Hmm
FloralBunting · 07/02/2019 14:42

I don't care who you were addressing it to. It was a question that showed a profound lack of care about the women you are on the thread with, many of whom have spoken about bad experiences and wanted to talk about the fallout from that.

GlitterStick · 07/02/2019 14:45

The fact that I'm not disputing that male crime is a problem, I agree it is, does not make one anti feminist.
Yes, I don't like sexism or anything like that myself, so called woman's work gives me the rage as one example.
I refuse to live my life not liking them all or being in a constant state of mistrust, fear and victim mentality though and that doesn't make someone anti feminist.

Calvinsmam · 07/02/2019 14:47

i refuse to live my life not liking them all

Another reminder that very very few posters on this thread have said they do not like any man and don’t like them all.

Weetabixandshreddies · 07/02/2019 14:51

Another reminder that very very few posters on this thread have said they do not like any man and don’t like them all.

Some have said they don't like them all.

Many others have said that they believe most of them do x,y and z. Which is strange - you like them whilst believing that they do these things?

Calvinsmam · 07/02/2019 14:55

*most of them do x,y and z’

That’s not all of them is it???

Sheelala · 07/02/2019 14:57

Floral

Why bother with relationships with men if they are so hard and you know this ? They are hardly mandatory.

Scipio
Do you ever reflect on how you would feel or how you do feel about men seeking to improve or change your behaviour ? How would you feel if a man did not agree and said your behaviour was wrong ? I think you would think him a misogynist. There is a blindness to some women where anything a man says to a woman is mansplaining yet the same women take it upon themselves to improve the behaviour of men. Do you attempt to improve the bejavt of adult women as well ?

GlitterStick · 07/02/2019 14:59

Another reminder that very very few posters on this thread have said they do not like any man and don’t like them all

There's been a fair few, not just an isolated viewpoint

ScipioAfricanus · 07/02/2019 15:02

Yes I do challenge the behaviour of women as well, She. Not had nearly as many been rude or sexist to me.

I’ve had male bosses or friends challenge my views and actions. Not because I was offensive or sexist or disrespectful to someone because of their sex. I don’t like being criticised but I consider criticism and apologise if I think it’s necesary. I’ve done that a few times.

FloralBunting · 07/02/2019 15:03

Why bother with relationships with men if they are so hard and you know this ? They are hardly mandatory.

It might have been an interesting conversation to have if you hadn't already made it clear that you don't have any real desire to actually understand, you and Weetabix and Glitter are just very satisfied with your own personal virtue of being able to avoid any preconceptions with every individual you meet and think anyone else is just silly.

Sheelala · 07/02/2019 15:04

Wasps

Thanks for the explanation. It's not normal that you managed to meet have sex and marry a man while never thinking about whether you liked him surely ?

Most adult heterosexual women are in relationships with men they consider good and whom they love. What's being said here is that although the men you are married to are good ones, most of the other women must be wrong.. they must be there is no two ways about this.

Sheelala · 07/02/2019 15:09

It has been an interesting discussion.

The vast majority of heterosexual women will form their most important relationship with a man. I know this of course, and why despite no one wanting to mention sexual attraction.

What is being said is that you have good husbands, but most of the other women (sisters) have dedicated their lives, more likely than not, to a knob head.

FloralBunting · 07/02/2019 15:11

What is being said is that you have good husbands, but most of the other women (sisters) have dedicated their lives, more likely than not, to a knob head.

No. That is not what is being said.

Calvinsmam · 07/02/2019 15:12

Most adult heterosexual women are in relationships with men they consider good and whom they love.

You aren’t really making any sense seel because on one hand you agree that many men display entitled and violent behaviour but then on the other insist that we can’t react to that knowledge in any way.

If we avoid relationships with men that’s evidence to you that we hate them all, if we have a relationship with one then we must secretly think they aren’t decent.

It couldn’t possibly be that a lot of men display bad behaviour but not all men and we have relationships with ones we think are decent.

GlitterStick · 07/02/2019 15:19

you and Weetabix and Glitter are just very satisfied with your own personal virtue of being able to avoid any preconceptions with every individual you meet and think anyone else is just silly.

no, don't think anyone's silly, I find it more sad than anything else that some go round fearful of a whole group of people

ScipioAfricanus · 07/02/2019 15:19

That makes far too much sense Calvins.

Sheelala · 07/02/2019 15:21

Calvinsmam

You have been quite imprecise here. To summarise i believe that what's being said is either most or a very significant number of men are basically bellends. These men are the most important person in the world to some women somewhere, this is just a fact.

You also are not acknowledging that men and heterosexual women have a special relationship that you do not have with other women, despite claiming to prefer women to men. It's not just like any other relationship you have in your life.

The vast majority of heterosexual women are the same. This is why slagging off men to this extent does not normally play well. It cannot be the case that most men are crap and yet all the married women on this thread have just happened to find a good one.

BertrandRussell · 07/02/2019 15:22

This is one of the most frustrating threads I have ever been on. And that is saying something!

littlbrowndog · 07/02/2019 15:24

Well Bertrand there was another a couple of days ago.
Went much same way
Mumsnet closed it

GlitterStick · 07/02/2019 15:24

This is one of the most frustrating threads I have ever been on. And that is saying something!

Women different opinions dare to speak up and not pipe down when told to by other women, reads frustrating oookay

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