Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

I'm glad you've found the threads helpful @askmeanything56. It is good to know you're not alone isn't it? I wish this had been available when I went through the breakdown of my marriage.

Like you I thought I was a liberal "cool wife". Turns out I wasn't after all. There's few things less sexually attractive than a man who has shaved his body hair.

It's not just all that though is it? It's the lies and deception. It's sad that you did not feel able to tell anyone why your marriage broke down. You must have felt very isolated.

Does your DC still have a relationship with their Dad?

I went to the opposite extreme with by subsequent partner too- think Hiccup's Dad from How to Train Your Dragon! (Although that brought it's own problems as things turned out )

TinselAngel I read your last post before I read askmeanything56's post so I was head scratching over "I went to the opposite extreme with by subsequent partner too- think Hiccup's Dad from How to Train Your Dragon!"

Now I get it.

I am not a trans widow, as you know, and at one time someone being in touch with their feminine side might have sounded appealing. But then I read the gas-mark-six piece a few years ago, and I saw it in a whole new light.

naefearty.wordpress.com/2014/07/22/gas-mark-six/

So in the US the trans military ban just went through. This means tonight when he gets home I am going to have to listen to an explosion of anger and pretend convincingly to be sympathetic or DOOM. Plz send cookies

And I mean it isn't like he ever had the faintest interest in the military at all so like... it's just the idea, to him.

Can you just tune him put?

I'll have to interact and pretend I care or he ill know something is up. I guess I can just make sympathetic noises.

Boyfriend subsequent to exH used to rant on about various things I either disagreed with or wasn't interested in. I just used to nod along until he ran out of steam. His disrespect of my opinions and our opposing world views was one of the things that led to the breakdown of our relationship, and one of the ways in which I felt bullied.

Sorry that's not a particularly positive experience to relate Older, but it's an honest one.

"Oh I know it's terrible isn't it? I don't even know what to say..." .

Sending cookies, sounds horrendous. Hang on in there

My husband doesn't share my passion for some things. Guess what, he never seems compelled to pretend he does! And I would never expect him to. I wonder if these husbands, who want you to agonize over things you don't give a fig for, actually care about the things that concern you?

<a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.thetimes.co.uk/article/church-of-england-faces-backlash-over-services-for-trans-people-62dmbhmq9?shareToken=7e46b9a36e278dd8d47533fbdc02b2b6" target="_blank">http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.thetimes.co.uk/article/church-of-england-faces-backlash-over-services-for-trans-people-62dmbhmq9?shareToken=7e46b9a36e278dd8d47533fbdc02b2b6

The Church of England considers the effect of transition on families!

I don't think that link worked. There's a link to the article in this thread:
The Times - Church of England trans backlash www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3490724-The-Times-Church-of-England-trans-backlash

Tinsel That's great they are reviewing it - better late than never I suppose.

I wasn't married to my ex and thankfully we had no children, but it was another tale of self-obsessed late-transitioning AGP, too much porn and then even kink / polyamory, IT worker, who (after we split) got hormones and has gone all the way through medical transition, and now (years later) has a non-binary (female) partner.

I'm not always sure how useful my input is, but I know that it isn't easy dealing with the gaslighting, personality changes and later re-writing of history. It seems so easy for some people to make-believe it's just the trans person's life that is affected, but it's most certainly not always positive for the partners or families! Thinking of you strong women still dealing with these AGPs.

Long time lurker. My ex (he left on Friday) was a crossdresser. We were together nearly six years.

This thread has been so good for me to kbow other people (even though not many) have been through similar things and felt similar things to me.

He was open about his dressing at the start and naively I didn't think it mattered what clothes someone was wearing and I was completely ignorant to the entirity of it and how to make him feel feminine I would be stripped of my own feminity.

That gas mark six post sounded so much like my ex it was scary.

Mine never ever complimented me even when I had made a huge effort when we went out but when he got dressed would stand there twirling etc until i did him. I asked him a few times how he would feel if I didn't compliment him and he said it would hurt and I said well can you see how it hurts me that you never say you look nice or anything to me. He said yes but that he just doesn't give compliments. It turns out he does just not to me as i found out when we met friends and he ott hugged ger snd said you look fantastic. I know I'm not a model type or anything but that day I looked the absolute best I could and he hadn't said one even minute nice thing to me and I do understand how shallow I must sound but I would hope that the person who is supposed to love you would think you looked the best. This was a turning point for me it broke me in many ways. We had a huge row and obviously I was over reacting and he couldn't understand why I was upset. Just to add I did compliment him often however he was dressed.

I feel so very low, like any worth I had is gone and I don't know what to do. I feel like in his head I was the man. I was the main earner paid when we went out etc because he would say l haven't bought my wallet.

The sex part started slowly but once I was ok with one thing he would soon push for more and tbh I am not sure how that side of things became part of our sex life (that's a joke though isn't it, it was his and I was just there) because at the start I had been clear I was ok about the dressing but in bed I needed it to be me and him if that makes sense. He agreed to this but he must have known he would be pushing it his way.

PP who said give them an inch and theu take miles were right on the money with that.

I used to just have to switch off until it was over so that I couldn't hear the things he was saying.

Around three years ago he started a blog which only I could read. Going on about make up, other 'girly' things and this eould be where he would go on about fantasies and push for things until I gave in. He would also write posts about how I let him down or if reality didn't match his fantasy in a scenario he could be very hurtful and viscious in those posts and often I would be crying reading them. He wouldn't have face to face conversstions about these things where I could give my side he eould just say he didn't want to talk and I should stop going on about things.

One particular fantasy he had been going on about for ages in the blog and in bed and any opportunity and he knew I really didn't want to but eventually I agreed and I switched off to get through it and it didn't live up to his fantasy and he turned his back and refused to talk to me and I don't think I have ever felt worse than I did then. He could have hugged me and said we won't do that again or anything but he blanked me.

Obviously this got blogged about in depth re his feelings but not one mention or ask about mine. I did say to him that it had hurt me as I hadn't wanted to do it and his reaction afterwards to blank me hurt me but it was just brushed off.

I asked him if we could just have sex now and again without the chatter and things he would say during. If he could just pretend that we are a man and woman who love each other and he would reluctantly agree but usually he would end up saying his usual stuff and I would have to switch off and disappear inside my head.

Last year he decided he wanted us to be full on female led relationship. I resisted but eventually gave in. But it wasn't a typical FLR it was on his terms. And as always it is never enough then it led to chastity devices. Oh his excitement at this.

We got extra pics in the blog of this one and it made him even bitchier towards me. I said a few weeks ago that I really didn't likr it or how he treated and spoke to me since he was wearing it he said that he disagreed that he treated me differently and it was a coincidence not the cage's fault. (It was pink (obvs everything had to be) and I said I would like it to be an occasional thing not 24/7 which he agreed to but obviously wasn't happy about. This got blogged on depth, to try and change my mind.

I think my actually saying no to something is why he upped and left (owing me over 1000 pounds he had borrowed which when I asked about paying me back he said "call the police" so that is gone). He is obviously painting himself as the victim and that I'm not supportive enough. His dressing wasn't a secret so there was no big coming out after he left.

I feel better that he is gone but I feel like somewhere in my time with him I got completely lost. Have any of you gone on to have normal relationships after? I feel like I am ruined and no one could want me if that makes sense. I'm mid forties so not young.

I am sorry this was such a long post I just thought you were the only people who might understand how it feels and be able to help me.

Hi Sandy, you are definitely not alone. So sad to read your story.
These narcissistic partners are b**ARDS. Making us feel worthless.
Its such an obsession to them, our feeling don't count!.
Glad to hear you are out of it.
Keep posting it helps us all

Sandy
Hugs

What you wrote about feeling stripped of your own femininity, I feel that acutely.

When mine criticises my clothes/ lack of shaving/ lack of painted nails etc it drives me insane. He knows better than to do it often.

How dare they. Don't they see how ridiculous it is? And how hypocritical?

Do you think this fetish is hardwired into them? I know mine dressed in his mum's clothes as a child.

@katispancuddly yes mine wore his Mum's and his sisters clothes.

Re the criticism yes he was good at that eg if i had a ladder in my tights that was hidden by clothes that was a huge deal for him. He would go on and on about it. I once said you do realise biological women and girls do wear tights with ladders in they are too expensive to replace for every little nick. It was like because he wouldn't wear them, was always shaved (ewww) had perfectly painted nails he was more of a real woman than me and I really think he believed that deep down.

Sandy how awful, but thank goodness he is now gone. So much of what you said is familiar. You deserve so much better!

To give you some hope, it took me a while alone, but I slowly regained my self-esteem and started dating again with a much better idea of what I was and wasn't willing to go along with, and then met a lovely man through a friend. We are now married and have a toddler. Of course no relationship is perfect, but I'm so much happier now.

My ex told a story about how humiliated he felt as a very young child when his mum found him dressed up in her clothes. She must have thought it was cute, but was laughing at him, and he was deeply embarrassed. (In general she was a wonderful mother and they got/get along great.)

My ex claimed that he liked androgynous women (I was very thin) and hated nail varnish on me, but somehow it was okay for him.

It's a real battering of your self esteem.

Arrghhh

Wish we could all go for a drink

(Sorry for the interruption, but Sandy please try and arrange some post-relationship counselling? I realise that money might be tight after your ex stole from you but it will be an invaluable investment in a healthy future. Most relationship counsellors offer a sliding scale to help people afford the service and even just 2 or 3 sessions will go a long way to restoring your self esteem. You deserve so much more out of life - best of luck moving forward xx)

Could do with that drink!.
You are all such strong women.
Just making plans to sell house. He won't move out?.
Just sitting on my own in a Tesco car park because I don't want to go home.

He would also write posts about how I let him down or if reality didn't match his fantasy

My ex was always visibly disappointed as well. Even if I agreed to go along with what he wanted in bed it wasn't enough. He told me he wanted it all to turn me on, I should've been more enthusiastic, he wanted me to "want it as much as he did". It was impossible for him to understand that a huge middle aged bloke in girly clothes whining and pleading submissively just is not... what gets most women going.

It was impossible for him to understand that a huge middle aged bloke in girly clothes whining and pleading submissively just is not... what gets most women going

Same here.
anomoony and Sandybarker I could have written your words. Nothing is enough and it destroys everything.

Should have added.. It's coercive control, just plain abusive. It's taken 5 years of him being EX for me to finally realise that

Fucking hell @Sandybarker, I thought I was beyond being shocked by this but what you describe is terrible. Layers and layers of abuse.
I am so sorry you went through that Thank goodness he is left.

What you describe is pretty much repeated rape as far as I can see. You certainly were not engaging in things with enthusiastic consent. I am horrified by how cruel and passive aggressive his "blog" was. You poor thing.

Thank goodness he has left. Are you married? Is the house in your name or joint? If it's yours consider getting the locks changed.

I would definitely recommend counselling. You are going to have to work on rebuilding your self esteem which must be terribly damaged by that abusive bastard.

He said you should go to the Police. Maybe you should? I suspect they'd say the money was a civil matter- if so maybe you could pursue it through the small claims court? I'm not sure what the limit is.

Be kind to yourself, and keep posting here if you find it helps x