Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

Please don't give up hope of feeling ok again. It takes a long time and lots of support... but you are not the f*ed-up one,or the one who changed or treate people badly. I'm 3.5 yrs on and acutely remember feeling sad after kids that my ex literally wouldn't say a word when I made an effort to dress up to go out. I think the emotional damage (yes it is 100% emotional abuse and manipulation) stays but it fades and then you get happy bits inbetween. Hang on in there Sandy... we are all reading your story appalled for you. And yes I'd like that drink!! You are all wonderful people.

Startagain I'm glad you are moving forward.

And StartAgain... that sounds so sad for you sitting in the car. It won't always be like this. Again we are here for you, even though we are scattered and invisible

Sandybarker " I know I'm not a model type or anything but that day I looked the absolute best I could and he hadn't said one even minute nice thing to me and I do understand how shallow I must sound..."

You do not sound shallow at all.

I wonder if his not complimenting you was a little way of boosting his own ego! I could compliment her, but then she will feel good. I will therefore withhold the compliment, kind of thing. Or, he was so obsessed with himself, it never cross his mind!

I am not a trans widow but my observations of trans situations is that some of it is push, push, push on your boundaries. To be honest, to a degree, I think it can happen in a lot of abusive relationships, it's the gas mark thing that the heat keeps getting turned up.

"I feel like I am ruined and no one could want me if that makes sense. I'm mid forties so not young."

NO! You are not ruined, you have been treated appallingly. Please can you get some counselling. The wise women here may be able to guide you on what to do, and are doing so.

Your partner was a shit partner and a shit and coercive man. He can only ruin you if you allow this to be the end of the story.

I love this saying - "Every story has a happy ending, if you're not happy, this is not the end. " Make it your mission to get back to you, you are in there, find her!!

Sandybarker I really do not care how I look on the outside sometimes but sometimes a nice make over or new hair do or having a lovely photo taken or portrait painted can be a way to affirm who you.

Maybe you should call the police, or make a claim. If the money was transferred electronically there will be a record.

"I once said you do realise biological women and girls do wear tights with ladders in they are too expensive to replace for every little nick. It was like because he wouldn't wear them, was always shaved (ewww) had perfectly painted nails he was more of a real woman than me and I really think he believed that deep down."

Maybe he did but the fact he was so hostile to you suggests that deep down he knew he was not a real women. Hostility doesn't usually come from people happy in their own skin, IMHO.

StartAgainat60 "Just making plans to sell house. He won't move out?." Have you had legal advice?

"Just sitting on my own in a Tesco car park because I don't want to go home." You poor thing, let this anger and sadness galvanise you.

anomoony "...a huge middle aged bloke in girly clothes whining and pleading submissively just is not... what gets most women going." So true. It's very hard, I think, for some men to imagine how some things just do not appeal. I honestly think even in regular relationships that blokes really have no idea how easy it is for women to feel turned off. I have a lovely male friend with long finger nails, platonic friend, but I just find those nails made me feel uncomfortable.

Thank you for all of the support am having a tough day today, feel very low.

The house is mine and I got the locks changed on Friday.

The house overall feels better. I always felt on eggshells when he was home because everything I did seemed to irtitate him.

Thanks for messages of support.
I've had a free half hour with a solicitor.
He is away for a few days, breathing space for me. But I can't get over the betrayal and gaslighting!.
He is away living en femme. He wants me to call him/her by female name, but I keep refusing to. I won't give him the satisfaction. That upsets him.
I can't stand him anywhere near me. Struggling to spend anytime with him in the house.
Separate bedrooms of course, but treading on eggshells.
No longer want to be in this house, to many unhappy memories.
Calling in estate agents this week
Thanks for being there MNETTERS

Hi everyone - I haven't been around for a while but I did post on the old thread.

My abusive and many times adulterous ex husband came out as trans about 2 years ago to our 9 year old daughter with no warning and that's how I found out, when she came home crying.

DD refused to see her father for over a year & is now more accepting but her mental health has suffered and she now has various support interventions including CAMHS. She now sees ex on a Sunday, near home, no overnights, out of choice.

Latest shenanigans include a meeting a school with DD's CAMHS nurse and as usual ex arrived half an hour late dolled up to the nines while myself, the female nurse and a female teacher were all on time but lucky to be dressed at all as we all have jobs and children to prioritise.

Nurse welcomes ex and says "you must be DD's Dad?". Cue a 10 minute rant on how the word "Dad" is offensive and transphobic and that they are clearly a woman and what a woman is. To a black female mental health nurse.

Anyway this week is full gender reassignment and breast enhancement surgery. Which will cost the NHS £45K. Again not told, they just cancelled contact with DD for 2-3 months & a mutual contact on Facebook told me.

I've been waiting years for a total knee replacement but the NHS waiting list very long and also I won't be able to drive DD 3 miles to and from school and can't cancel looking after her to recover so have put it off until she starts secondary school which is a short walk away and she'll be more independent.

Nothing matters except their journey, their rights, their happiness. Nothing.

imablackstarnotapopstar heartbreaking. I kind of wish the nurse could have said "You're not the father? Then what the fuck are you doing here! This is the meeting for mini ima!"

At least they all saw what you have had to put up with.

I've always said my ex has acted more like a man than ever since he has supposedly been a woman. They want the nail varnish and the neo vagina but not the sheer graft of being a woman.

There's a bit on the radio in NZ here:

www.newshub.co.nz/home/new-zealand/2019/01/listen-hawke-s-bay-man-confronted-by-estranged-trans-father-on-magic-talk.html

The caller is estranged from his father, who identifies as a woman, he says 'you can't change gender, how can you be a hard man into your 60s and suddenly decide you are a woman'.

I thought it was literal violence to refuse to accept someone's self-identity. Or does that only apply to certain special people?

I see you're all over FWR today scolding women. Well, that's nice.

I see you're all over FWR today scolding women. Well, that's nice

Yeah. being told to get on our knees, suck and swallow is SO NEW to us!

It's gross when people invade support threads. Says a great deal about them and nothing at all about the women supporting each other.

Solidarity, widows.

Go and lecture some grass widows on their terminology, Vanilla. Or those who use the term 'deadname'.

I've seen threads on Mumsnet referring to cycling widows, football widows (and advanced search threw up everquest widows and hay/farmers' widows too, which made me smile, along with PlayStation widows, retail widows and golf widows and others).

I say crack on with calling yourselves what you want. Everyone is able to, after all.

Everyone else is able to, that should say.

Looks like I missed the comment from our current plopper.

It's frustrating when women refuse to do as they're told isn't it?

You were being told, yet again, that you're out of order for using the term "widows".

From someone steeped in the ideology of the-only-meanings-words-have-now-is-what-certain-men-say.

Any clarification of why "deadname" is ok?

And meanwhile my ex husband who repeatedly told other people during his pre-transition phase that he knew what it was like to have sex as a woman because he could leave his body and inhabit a woman's body & that any physical contact with men, women or children was sexually arousing to him is now schooling women that they are transphobic if they share the dictionary definition of a woman and that if they "deadname" or call him a Dad or a Father it is a hate crime.

So I'm guessing us calling ourselves widows is also now a hate crime

Everything we do other than serve them hand and foot and tell them how beautiful they are while putting our own needs last is a hate crime.