Why my transgender son dosent want self ID

[justanothetnamechange]

HI all, so I've been wanting to make this post for a while but I hire honest Ive been scared to but tonight I'm going for it.
I'm a regular user but have obviously name changed for this.
So I frequent this board often but have never posted before, I am very much for women's rights- as many of us are!! My world turned upside down 6 years ago when my son started having conversations with with us reguarding his gender identity, tbh to begin with I constantly shot him down, but realised that there was no harm in changing his prounouns and name if that what makes him comfortable, although this choice toke a couple years and a lot of arguments! We didn't rush into anything, at school he used disabled toilets and he didn't do PE anyway as it was extra catch up. But wasn't going to do medication at this stage- he could make this choice as an adult if that's what he wanted. He went under CAMHS. That brings us to 2018 he is know 18 years old so it's all very much his choice. He is soon to be assed for testosterone.
I don't want this post to be to much about his journey and please don't go on about how he will never be biologically a man, he knows this he is a proud trans man. This is how self ID would ruin that.
it brings another side of the argument that people might not have always thought about.
My son has gone through a lot of challenges and mile stones to be where he is today they have been emotional.
He feels self ID would take away these milestones.
He recently got his passport through saying male, to do this we had to get two doctors reports and a MH report and proth he was living as his gender. When it came through he cried, celebrated and went for a drink.
He was recently allowed to play for a male football team to do this he needed club approval, a doctors report party and proth he was going to medically transition. He needed to be present for a pane. He just played his first game it was celebrated and a good game to watch.
He works as a man and is treated as a man. But it took a lot of battles.
He is soon to apply for a GRC something he feels is the final step for social transition.
But when he tells people he is transgender he feels people accept him more when he says he's had to go through this. He feels genuine. He under stands sex segregation and respects men's boundary's. He only changes in the male changing room at football for example because they had a meeting about it and everyone said it was fine and even then he come in at the end when everyone's changed to take part in the talks etc.
He doesn't like the idea that someone could say I'm trans one day and get all the rights he's fort for. He doesn't like the idea that people who don't understand transition will come into sex segregated spaces. He doesn't like that he won't feel his long struggles will be looked on in the same way as they were before. This one may sound Selfish- He Dosent like that already stressed resources will become even more stressed as boundary's to be accepted will weaken. He wants to be accepted and knows he won't by everyone but in his opinion it happens more when he has that M in his passport and plus for his local team and when everyone can do this it's not as real. His struggles aren't as real. His battles aren't as real. His tears aren't as real. He feels even more invalidated. when he was 17 we talked about the GRC and he said how happy he'd feel when it came through and how he would have a weight lifted from his shoulders know someone wants to take away from this.
I hope this was right to post and makes sense!!
If anyone has any questions my son and me are happy to try and answer them.
I'm going to go put my hard hat on and hide in a corner just in case!

Lots of respect to both of you. I take my hat off to your son and his thoughtful approach.

The one comment I would make is that this thoughtful approach is much more prevalent among transmen who understand the sensitivities of others than many transwomen who appear to despise women.

I hope he finds some peace in his new identity.

I didnt expect for evreyone on this thread to be supportive but I dodnt except someone to call my son names. I and he dosent want ayone to feel sorry for him, youre right women dont go through a journey to be accepted as a women, they go through journeys of there own, he not a women or a man hes a trans man and they go through a journey. Hes thought of all of that of course thats why i said he isnt making any discions till he was 18.
I dont expect evreyone to accept him but please dont group EVREY trans peorson in the same circle

I wish you and your child only the best OP. I hope everything works out well and I agree about self-ID.

That said, I'm sorry but I can't support the transition of young people.

Thats fine! I dont support him medially tanstioning tbh and he knows this and thats why i didnt support anything below 18 (not legally a child), including binding.

No need to hide OP. Thanks for posting. I don't really know what to say except that whatever happens with self ID I wish you and your child the very best for the future

Thanks ladies!!! Ohh I might breath a little bit.
I think it's very much one battle at a time with this topic let's battle self ID before battling the controversy of medical transition although this is something I won't get my sons approval on!!!
I can't stop him or have a say at 18 something he's aware of

I’m not calling him names. I’m responding to your post honestly, describing how it came across to me.

Wish you and your kid best of luck, too, OP. It is good you waited til after kid was 18. Once the kid is adult, there is not much to do for a parent but support kids on their path, which includes keeping them rooted in reality, which your kid apparently is.

I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation, but estrangement from my child would be the biggest no-no. Best of luck, OP.

Glad you waited until 18.

I can't help wondering if, after all that, whether the medical intervention is really necessary? There are many health risks and the changes are pretty irreversible. How about reviewing at 25 years old? Keep options open. Most people don't really mature until then anyway.

Wishing you and your child all the best and hoping you proceed with much caution and consider the possibility of loving one's body as we are.

As for self ID I can see how that would be galling to see people changing the sex their birth certificate with no consideration of the enormity of what they are doing. The GRA was originally meant for people with certifiable dysphoria, not just any entitled git who wants it for whatever reason. I can get why your child is anti self ID.

But River, we women aren't meant to honest if it hurts someones feelings are we? We are socialised to be nice, respectful, say what people want to hear. Am I wrong?

Full respect OP but a lot of us just don't agree with changing gender. If all transwomen were as thoughtful as your son (I'll say son to be respectful) we wouldn't be where we are today.

Fair play to you OP. Best of luck for your son's future. I think he'll do just fine x

Exactly!! I may not fully support his choices but would he ever stop being my child no. He could identify as a toaster for all I care, would I support him getting electrical wires for veins no, but he would always be my toaster!! (Don't really no were that came from!)
There will always be people who identify as transgender no matter what laws are and aren't passed its hard to know what to do for the best. We are just trying are best in the situation we are in.

What a difficult situation OP that you seem to be handling really well.
You obviously have a good relationship and that he trusts you, this has meant he hasn’t gone and bought things off the internet behind your back and it listening to you. Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do once he turns 18 but hopefully he will continue to know that you want the best for him whatever he chooses.

I don’t think that every trans identifying person is a narcissist and I actually think your son sound really thoughtful.

Thanks for the post; it came over very well, and your son seems to be a sensible young man, and one to be proud of. The very best of luck to you, and your family.

At 18 he is an adult and can make his own decisions.
I sincerely hope that he doesn't regret any medical treatment he takes.
It must be very difficult to watch your child go through that.
He's clearly put a lot of thought into it but I still believe that his thinking is flawed.
I do agree on self-id though. The process should not be easy.

thanks for this thread op. I appreciate this perspective.

I'd be interested to know what your son's view is on all the videos on youtube from detransitioners?

Well shes quite right, it does render gender non conformist peoples struggles with their identity a bit unnecessary and probably takes away some of the landmarks in their own personal projects.

I wish her peace and hope she doesn't do anything irreversible , as i can't help but feel for all these people who regret it now as it didn't solve the problems they thought it would

It sounds like your son has put a great deal of thought into it and I agree with his views. I always feel quite torn reading this site as although I do agree with most of the posts, in my professional role I am in contact with a transman who is the same age as your son and from what i know is goding through a similar journey. I find him generally very rational and know he has carefully thought about his life choices. Thank you for your post as it resonates with some of my views on the topic.
I strongly disagree with any medical intervention before 18.

Seriously, your child will never be a ‘real man’ and is on a very difficult path that in other circumstances no-one would take, which will never give them the end goal they dream of. I would do my very best to help them accept their body for what it is and to live their fullest life in that body, healthy and undamaged by drugs and mutilating surgery. You say they have been brave to get here - use that bravery to get out of here.

I hope your son is ok and makes the right choices for him. If it was my child, especially if a female child transitioning to male, I’d be really concerned about the possibility of sexual abuse, as there is a correlation between SA and dissociating with one’s body. I hope this isn’t the case for your child.

Seriously, your child will never be a ‘real man’ and is on a very difficult path that in other circumstances no-one would take, which will never give them the end goal they dream of. I would do my very best to help them accept their body for what it is and to live their fullest life in that body, healthy and undamaged by drugs and mutilating surgery.

Op has already acknowledged that her son knows he is not a ‘real man’ and is a trans man.
I’m sure the op would love her child not to go down the surgery and hormone route but she has to tread a careful line. It could be so much worse if OP pushes her child away and he stops confusing in her, that’s when he is at his most vulnerable.

Once he is over 18 there’s very little the op can do.

I understand why your son must feel it’s insulting when some TRAs say that they are only a woman on Wednesdays etc. It’s just a piss take to them when it’s his whole life.

I suppose it’s the difference ( generally ) between people with gender dysphoria and those with AGP. The second group are giving the first a bad name.

I hope your son finds peace OP.