Why my transgender son dosent want self ID

[justanothetnamechange]

HI all, so I've been wanting to make this post for a while but I hire honest Ive been scared to but tonight I'm going for it.
I'm a regular user but have obviously name changed for this.
So I frequent this board often but have never posted before, I am very much for women's rights- as many of us are!! My world turned upside down 6 years ago when my son started having conversations with with us reguarding his gender identity, tbh to begin with I constantly shot him down, but realised that there was no harm in changing his prounouns and name if that what makes him comfortable, although this choice toke a couple years and a lot of arguments! We didn't rush into anything, at school he used disabled toilets and he didn't do PE anyway as it was extra catch up. But wasn't going to do medication at this stage- he could make this choice as an adult if that's what he wanted. He went under CAMHS. That brings us to 2018 he is know 18 years old so it's all very much his choice. He is soon to be assed for testosterone.
I don't want this post to be to much about his journey and please don't go on about how he will never be biologically a man, he knows this he is a proud trans man. This is how self ID would ruin that.
it brings another side of the argument that people might not have always thought about.
My son has gone through a lot of challenges and mile stones to be where he is today they have been emotional.
He feels self ID would take away these milestones.
He recently got his passport through saying male, to do this we had to get two doctors reports and a MH report and proth he was living as his gender. When it came through he cried, celebrated and went for a drink.
He was recently allowed to play for a male football team to do this he needed club approval, a doctors report party and proth he was going to medically transition. He needed to be present for a pane. He just played his first game it was celebrated and a good game to watch.
He works as a man and is treated as a man. But it took a lot of battles.
He is soon to apply for a GRC something he feels is the final step for social transition.
But when he tells people he is transgender he feels people accept him more when he says he's had to go through this. He feels genuine. He under stands sex segregation and respects men's boundary's. He only changes in the male changing room at football for example because they had a meeting about it and everyone said it was fine and even then he come in at the end when everyone's changed to take part in the talks etc.
He doesn't like the idea that someone could say I'm trans one day and get all the rights he's fort for. He doesn't like the idea that people who don't understand transition will come into sex segregated spaces. He doesn't like that he won't feel his long struggles will be looked on in the same way as they were before. This one may sound Selfish- He Dosent like that already stressed resources will become even more stressed as boundary's to be accepted will weaken. He wants to be accepted and knows he won't by everyone but in his opinion it happens more when he has that M in his passport and plus for his local team and when everyone can do this it's not as real. His struggles aren't as real. His battles aren't as real. His tears aren't as real. He feels even more invalidated. when he was 17 we talked about the GRC and he said how happy he'd feel when it came through and how he would have a weight lifted from his shoulders know someone wants to take away from this.
I hope this was right to post and makes sense!!
If anyone has any questions my son and me are happy to try and answer them.
I'm going to go put my hard hat on and hide in a corner just in case!

See, that's really interesting you say that - as I was thinking the exact same thing yesterday but didn't bring it up.

Being brutally frank, this is what I think - and observation of the various camps and factions over the last few years has cemented this - there are what I'd call red flag males in every demographic of male. By that, I mean those who exhibit Duluth wheel behaviour patterns. It's a minority in all groups but it's constant and it doesn't matter whether that subgroup of males is your normal bloke, your gay man, your crossdresser, your self-identified transgender person or your transsexual.

Women's spaces are segregated to keep out red flag males. That is their purpose.

So probably no, I don't think previous kindness or concession has led to any transsexual's sense of entitlement. I think those transsexuals who display such attitudes and behaviour patterns would have been like that even if they hadn't transitioned.

You, m'dear, do not display any red flags!

By that, I mean those who exhibit Duluth wheel behaviour patterns

I will be honest, to my shame I'd never heard of the Duluth wheel and now I've seen it, a whole bunch of dots have connected - so thank you

I think what you and Rowan have said pretty much affirmed what I was thinking to start off with - before I started overthinking it and it turned into a chicken and egg scenario

We have another thread running - say no to a man (and gauge the reaction), Hamster. Same thing! Watch what happens when feminist women challenge various people on their assumptions - trans or not trans - and see how they react. Tells you a lot!

I will be honest, to my shame I'd never heard of the Duluth wheel and now I've seen it, a whole bunch of dots have connected - so thank you

Hamster00 Please don't feel badly for not knowing about the Duluth wheel. Many don't. Your reaction to then see how the dots join up is really common & the point of it.

It needs to be made much more available & I wish it were taught in schools etc so that the subtler forms of abuse and control might be recognised & identified sooner by more people. This could have a massive effect for girls and women's lives.

for more dot joining, Lundy Bancrofts' book, 'Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' is really worth a read, especially for the different 'character types'. You'll see it often referred to on the MN Reationships board along with similar sudden realisations

Mumsnet with Women's Aid recently made the video, 'Coercive Control: Walking on Eggshells' its very important.

Thanks Rowan - book duly ordered from Amazon.

That video is absolutely chilling...

Lass's "computer says no" incident is an excellent example of how TRA stuff is mucking things up for transsexuals who aren't so precious that they insist that the world must never know that they were born with a Y chromosome even in situations where the only difference that would make to them would be to make certain processes easier. That obsession with hiding one's past and somehow making it impossible for anyone to ever know really isn't psychologically healthy, because someone will always figure it out and then what will you do? Seems to me that acceptance of the realities that can't be changed and the fact that other people's perceptions can't be controlled is fairly key to achieving any sort of long term happiness and stability.

TRA policies seem to be setting the people they're supposedly "helping" up for a life of constant tension and hyper-vigilance.

A-A-K
You are right about how harmful it can be to live one's life in " secrecy". I never thought it was a good idea, partly because I held off transitioning for 30 years, and sometimes saw people wind themselves up in knots trying to keep their past hidden. For what? By and large people one meets are oK about it anyway.