Why my transgender son dosent want self ID

[justanothetnamechange]

HI all, so I've been wanting to make this post for a while but I hire honest Ive been scared to but tonight I'm going for it.
I'm a regular user but have obviously name changed for this.
So I frequent this board often but have never posted before, I am very much for women's rights- as many of us are!! My world turned upside down 6 years ago when my son started having conversations with with us reguarding his gender identity, tbh to begin with I constantly shot him down, but realised that there was no harm in changing his prounouns and name if that what makes him comfortable, although this choice toke a couple years and a lot of arguments! We didn't rush into anything, at school he used disabled toilets and he didn't do PE anyway as it was extra catch up. But wasn't going to do medication at this stage- he could make this choice as an adult if that's what he wanted. He went under CAMHS. That brings us to 2018 he is know 18 years old so it's all very much his choice. He is soon to be assed for testosterone.
I don't want this post to be to much about his journey and please don't go on about how he will never be biologically a man, he knows this he is a proud trans man. This is how self ID would ruin that.
it brings another side of the argument that people might not have always thought about.
My son has gone through a lot of challenges and mile stones to be where he is today they have been emotional.
He feels self ID would take away these milestones.
He recently got his passport through saying male, to do this we had to get two doctors reports and a MH report and proth he was living as his gender. When it came through he cried, celebrated and went for a drink.
He was recently allowed to play for a male football team to do this he needed club approval, a doctors report party and proth he was going to medically transition. He needed to be present for a pane. He just played his first game it was celebrated and a good game to watch.
He works as a man and is treated as a man. But it took a lot of battles.
He is soon to apply for a GRC something he feels is the final step for social transition.
But when he tells people he is transgender he feels people accept him more when he says he's had to go through this. He feels genuine. He under stands sex segregation and respects men's boundary's. He only changes in the male changing room at football for example because they had a meeting about it and everyone said it was fine and even then he come in at the end when everyone's changed to take part in the talks etc.
He doesn't like the idea that someone could say I'm trans one day and get all the rights he's fort for. He doesn't like the idea that people who don't understand transition will come into sex segregated spaces. He doesn't like that he won't feel his long struggles will be looked on in the same way as they were before. This one may sound Selfish- He Dosent like that already stressed resources will become even more stressed as boundary's to be accepted will weaken. He wants to be accepted and knows he won't by everyone but in his opinion it happens more when he has that M in his passport and plus for his local team and when everyone can do this it's not as real. His struggles aren't as real. His battles aren't as real. His tears aren't as real. He feels even more invalidated. when he was 17 we talked about the GRC and he said how happy he'd feel when it came through and how he would have a weight lifted from his shoulders know someone wants to take away from this.
I hope this was right to post and makes sense!!
If anyone has any questions my son and me are happy to try and answer them.
I'm going to go put my hard hat on and hide in a corner just in case!

People have different views!

But your daughter needs you to respond to her as a girl who is growing to be a woman. Biology is fact.

What she chooses to do with her personality is purely her decision. But the salient point is that if she has female biology, then she is not a man. And being female should not be a handicap in life, but too often it is, because of sodding patriarchy.

@justanothetnamechange He never wants to go down the surgery route hormones for him are a happy medium.

you both need to do a lot more reading before any testosterone gets prescribed. the long term effects of testosterone on female biology make eventual surgery almost certain. FTM transitioners who don't have bottom surgery but take T will gradually start experiencing an ever increasing amount of pain which will eventually become unbearable and the only cure will be hysterectomy. I was reading a thread about it yesterday. loads of trans men saying they were getting these unbearable pains and hadn't realised it wasn't just them. this is gradually becoming a known side-effect. the reason transitioners haven't been warned about it is that no proper clinical tests have been carried out to even establish whether testosterone for a female-bodied person with dysphoria is even a safe and effective treatment, so clinicians don't even know what all the potential side-effects are.

Someone i know was prescribed testosterone for endometriosis. She said it was brilliant, felt stronger and really into sex and food.

Hardly seems surprising women are going to feel good on it and it feel like an answer

Any chance your child might just be comfortable being a super butch lesbian? Have either of you watched any of Peach Yogurt's videos? She is about as gender nonconforming as they come, but rejects the idea that women must become men to express more "masculine" traits.

Also, to echo a previous post, women typically cannot just take testosterone (at cross sex doses) casually for a prolonged time without eventually needing a hysterectomy and/or oophorectomy. There is significant atrophy of the uterus and vagina, can be constant pain, (and/or bleeding), painful ovarian cysts, in addition to increased risk of malignancy. Most trans-health experts recommend surgery after 3-5 years on T.

Radical feminism doesn't promote negativity about being female. How on earth do you come up with that conclusion?

Op - how did she prove to the panel that she was living as a boy/man?

Sorry to be a bit base in this question but when you say she uses the male changing rooms at football, does she actually use them like the guys in there? Getting changed, showers etc?

Forgot to add, whichever way you slice it, your science comment is most odd and pretty telling tbh.

The problem with pretending to be something you’re not is that you’re always then going to be worried that you might be found out. It’s a pretty stressful way to live, i imagine.
I searched a while ago for phalloplasty on instagram, and there was a young transman on there who had had all the surgery (mastectomy and phalloplasty) and had been taking testosterone for a few years, and said they still felt dysphoria
What a smack in the mouth, after having all the possible recommended treatment for dysphoria, presumably all through the various surgeries to be thinking ‘when I get the mastectomy, that’ll cure the dysphoria’ then when they still experience dysphoria ‘well, when I start the phalloplasty surgeries, that’ll cure the dysphoria’ then finally to realise that you’ve had everything possible and you still have dysphoria 😱

op thanks for sharing such a personal story and I must say it took guts to come on here and share it.

I am, though, absolutely stumped that your child was under CAHMS and so then transitioned. It sounds like their teen years have been incredibly difficult and that the only outcome was to transition. I find that desperately sad. Sad for the girl she was and the trans man they have decided to become.

Please investigate the hormone therapy, it’s a very volitile drug to be on and will irrevocable change and damage their body.

I wish you luck, and thank you for sharing

Ffs

That was supposed to be

I took the op’s science comment to mean that her child is well aware of biology and knows that humans can’t change sex

I think it is important to distinguish between the personal and ideological level here. Obviously, it is an important point that these types of transitions may be the result of what roles society attributes to women.

But society is what it is and individuals try to navigate the issues they have the best way they can. Obviously, researching long term consequences and pondering alternatives is important. But at some point, as an adult, you just do what you feel you have to do.

This may or may not turn out to be a mistake (there are detransitioners, but there are people happily living as transmen long term despite health risks/complications, even though, yes, I agree, they might have taken this path only because society is shitty to women. But what does this change if you strongly feel this is your best option?).

I also can't see what else you can do as the parent of an adult son or daughter than let go, accept their life choices and be there for them, when they need you.

This is nothing that can be solved on the individual level imo.

I wish you both the best for the future.

Someone i know was prescribed testosterone for endometriosis. She said it was brilliant, felt stronger and really into sex and food.

Blimey. She was lucky. I was on it for the same reason and suffered terribly with hot flushes, sometimes having one every 20 minutes, and piled on the weight. Very unusual to feel like she did. I had it in my late twenties and now have osteoporosis as a result.

Brave of you to post, OP. But I'm not quite sure why you have.

There seems to be a theme for women who transition. Stephanie Davis Arai has said she has yet to see a woman transition who is not either gay, autistic, or has suffered from some kind of trauma, usually sexual.

From what you have said, it would appear that your child does not conform to stereotypically feminine interests. Something that appears to be at the root of many people's transition. (And a real bone of contention for feminists, who want to abandon harmful gender stereotypes altogether.)

And at the same time they have had a female biological health issue.

Do you think there is any connection?

What do you personally think is the reason for your child's transition?

Wasnt the science comment not in relation to the fact that he knows that he’ll never be male? Rather than it proving he was a man?

Oh!
Just a quick warning - you send you hadn’t read up too much on hormones for trans people but that your child has decided that will be their red line and they won’t have surgery? Did you know that it’s recommended that tranmasculine people have hysterectomies after a certain number of years on testosterone? Google seems to suggest 5 years as standard.

www.ftmguide.org/hysto.html

Just hormones/no surgery might not actually be a feasible option.

Something to ask your child to consider before beginning hormones?

Early hysterectomies come with a whole host of knock-on effects...

I think it is important to distinguish between the personal and ideological level here

Deep is right. The whole issue of transgenderism has to be addressed at a structural level.

OP, like Trucking I am curious how your child proved to the panel that he was living as a man.

Occasionally , such as when a thread about a letter to the Times that related to Trans matters was launched, we see that there is a large group of people willing to be supportive, flexible, and indeed, kind.

Kindness is one of the most important things in life, especially when dealing with things one can have no direct knowledge of. Such as your family situation. PLEASE remember that those people who think it is their place to condemn you and your son* ,without walking a mile in your shoes do not represent the majority of readers of these threads, and certainly not the majority of the population.

Please also remember that those who have been discouraging, and/ downright discourteous, are driven by a wish to help you both, driven by genuine convictions that they hold, albeit ones that can cause needless hurt.

• As your offspring is now a young adult, and has been trans identified for a number of years, it is obviously common courtesy to refer to him as him, whatever the private feelings, understandings or lack of understandings of those who post negatively and unsupportively. Good luck to you and your son. You are being a fine support to him, which is what parents are for.

Deep is right. The whole issue of transgenderism has to be addressed at a structural level.

Completely agree. I can have sympathy for people who are a victim of the ideology. And do.

And normally, would not make it personal. But if questions are invited, it's useful to see how the ideology results in the practical.

Meanwhile there is an Australian detransitioner, who has reverted to being a man after 17 years. And after bottom surgery.

These experiences are vital to understand how it all works.

He says how he was shunned by his, erstwhile very welcoming, online forums. And sure enough, several below the line commentors also don't want to know how he sees through it all.

If that was the reason behind the science comment, then I unreservedly take back what I said.

If I had a daughter I would steer her as far away as possible from radical feminism because of the sheer negativity it promotes about being a woman.

What do you mean by this, Lass? Where is the negativity? The only negativity is towards harmful gender stereotypes.

No his mannerisms haven't changed he has always been a typical 'tomboy' and by mannerisms I don't just mean gender stereotypes such as toys and sport I mean how he acted I can't describe it in words but if you watched him how he walk talks, body language etc. Is that of a boy.

I really don't understand why this means someone has to take harmful medication and probably have major surgery. Why can't a woman act in any way she wants to?

Hi, OP. Your son may already know this song, or not (I'm a music theatre geek). It is a beautiful, beautiful scene from the 2015 Tony award-winning musical 'Fun House'. It's called 'Ring of Keys', and is performed by a 1970s 11 year old GNC child, oppressed by her father, who sees a butch lesbian for the first time, and has an extraordinary moment of awakening, and self-realisation.

In an age where the only role models we are offering young butch girls are those in the process of medically transitioning away from being 'female', I find this song incredibly moving, and devastating.

I wish you and your son all the very best.