Why is misgendering a big deal?

[FortunateCookie]

Hope someone can help because I’m really trying to understand why not affirming someone’s identity is that big of a deal.
I understand that it’s polite to go along with whatever someone’s chosen gender identity is, but I can’t believe that it’s actually a big problem if you don’t?
Surely if your friends and family accept your identity, it doesn’t matter if someone at work doesn’t?
Would it really make someone suicidal?
Do any of the trans organisations say why it is so important?
I just don’t get it.

Because narcissists experience non-compliance with their demands as an existential threat to the ego, and because a fragile sense of identity needs constant reinforcement and reassurance.

It is a good way of looking like a vulnerable victim and pretending that you have been literally the victim of violence and guilting people into letting you cross boundaries.

Yes that makes sense AngryAttackKittens, but I don’t imagine they could admit to those things so how would they justify the importance of affirming their identity? Is it just politeness?

I think it's supposed to be "triggering" which leads to suicide attempts.

So TERFragettecity, you think the opppsite, that they are not actually bothered by their identity not being affirmed, but patented to be so they can play the victim?

It's all you've got to claim oppression if you're a bourgeois white heterosexual male?!

Hence misgendering = literal violence.
You are causing the person to self-harm.

I mean it's manipulative BS obvs, much like how an abusive partner will threaten to kill themself if you leave them.

Ophelia, do any trans organisations actually say this?

TRAs say it all the time.

But the trans organisations don’t think misgendering is a big deal then?

Your responses are horrible and dismissive.

Imagine yourself if people in work started calling you he and his etc. when referring to you. It would be upsetting. Now imagine on top of that the worry/fear/distress that they are doing it to put you in your place. Or to dismiss something that is critical to you and your sense of self. It’s careless and unkind at best. Cruel and serious bullying possibly. Would you not wonder all day which it is? Would you not feel humiliated and embarrassed that you even had to lower yourself to trying to prove you are who you say you are. And getting laughed at behind you back. I’d be assuming people who insisted on misgendering me were also laughing at me.

Can you really not understand?

"Mis-gendering" is an issue because it apparently invalidates a trans-person's chosen identity.

However I am waiting for the day when it finally starts to dawn on the radical TRAs that you can't shout about being proud of your "trans identity" and in the next breath complain about being "mis-gendered". The two are a direct contradiction and it's one that they don't want to accept, because the majority are obsessed with trying to "pass" - i.e. not look "trans" at all, which seems rather at odds with being proud of your trans status...

I think it's pretty obvious really.
If you had gender dysphoria (not sure if that is the right word) and felt you were born in the wrong body, hated the parts that made you female or male and had spent your childhood fighting against being labelled as a gender or what society constructs as gender values because you didn't feel you were that gender I would imagine that after going through surgery and hormones to fit inline with how you felt then misgendering and relating you for no reason to a gender you hated identifying as and never felt like would be pretty upsetting.

I have a daughter with very short hair who is not trans but is often mistaken as a boy. It doesn't bother her much apart from being a bit annoying although she has said she's growing her hair long again so it stops.
She has a FTM friend who would find being identified as a girl really upsetting as they have spent their childhood hating who they were and finally feel 'right'

Hideandgo yes I can understand. In the same way that I find it upsetting to be told that having an abortion is "cis privilege", that trans-women have periods and when pointing out that this is biologically impossible being told this view is "transphobic" and that bleeding is only a "small part of having periods".

The overwhelming majority of people who complain about being "mis gendered" have male bodies and features. Is it really so unreasonable to refer to someone who looks and talks like a man, as a man?

Hideandgo, yes I completely understand if it was being done in a bullying, unpleasant way, as you say.

But if it was done in a friendly way, as in “you believe this about yourself but that doesn’t match what I see when I look at you so with the greatest of respect I’m not going to be able to affirm your identity for you” surely that is fair enough?

I cant see how my not affirming your identity would be “critical to you and your sense of self”

hideandgo I seriously wouldn't give a shit. I've been missexed a couple of times, all it took was a 'Nah, I'm a woman/female' and all was good.

The reason why 'misgendering' is such an inflated big deal is because they know that they are not the sex they think and say they are.

Because it’s just common deceny maybe? Something that seems to be lacking amongst some posters here at times...

I said that in my OP CorbynsComrade.
So it’s just about politeness and decency, nothing more?

How you see yourself, whoever you are, is massively tied up in how other people see you. And who other people accept you to be.

How upsetting is it for someone to say in passing conversation ‘you’re not sporty’ when you always saw yourself as a sporty person. Maybe take pride in and work hard at your exercise regime etc. It’s quite a jolt. That’s an inconsequential example and not directly comparable but just try a little empathy. How others see us is a huge part of the affirmation of who we are.

Because it hurts people's feelings!

Imagine yourself if people in work started calling you he and his etc. when referring to you. It would be upsetting.

I had this all my life. It is not 'literal violence' and i never said people should die or are scum for it.

So not affirming someone’s identity is rude and upsetting. But it’s not critical to them and their sense of self is it.

FortunateCookie do you know any trans people? The trans people I know don't see deliberate misgendering as either friendly or respectful.

There may be reasons why you might choose not to use someone's preferred pronouns. And some of them are very good reasons (I'm thinking of the recent assault case involving Tara W). But frankly I have little respect for Tara anyway.

“How you see yourself, whoever you are, is massively tied up in how other people see you. And who other people accept you to be.“
“How others see us is a huge part of the affirmation of who we are.”

So you think it is much more than being polite then Hideandgo?

No, not personally, Cardsforkittens, that’s why I’m trying to understand why this is such a big deal and if it is just about being polite or if there’s more to it.