Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

I also don't understand why is it considered a bigoted position to say to kids, "yes, you are absolutely correct to question and consider your position in gender stereotypes. But it's not you, your personality, preferences and body which needs to change to accommodate these toxic stereotypes, that's an introspective position fuelled by your own focus which puts you as the centre for all this. It is the sexing of personality that's the problem, challenge the stereotypes rather than cut yourself up to fit."

How on Earth is that seen as a regressive or bigoted position?

I absolutely know that my/our experiences are completely valid. And I know that I can't stop him from his public sexual behaviour, or from his marketing of this as a progressive gender expression, rather than something akin to flashing.

You are all correct. We must keep on talking about this, demonstrating that there is an alternative.

How on Earth is that seen as a regressive or bigoted position?

I honestly don't know - I find it utterly frustrating that rather than rational thought, patience and full discussion is considered wrong while putting children on the path to medicalisation for the rest of their lives is right. These are strange times. Especially given articles like the one I posted today where people regret these decisions as fully grown adults, how on earth can we expect children and young people who haven't finished developing to make such serious decisions.? It truly seems like madness.

Your exH is never your responsibility though - you've been through enough without taking on responsibility for the morality of his actions. So yes - we will all keep talking and supporting you and each other.

Bird your ex, and all the people that TRA's influence are responsible for their own actions - have no guilt for them.

You have a responsibility to bring your children up as best you can in the circumstances you face, but you can't control what they choose to believe - I hope they are able to navigate their way without being too adversely affected by your ex's behaviour.

And yes, I absolutely cannot understand why the sexual fetish element is glossed over either. The fact that the trans umbrella covers transvestites who, as far back as I can remember, have for the most part always been acknowledged as HETEROSEXUAL men who got their sexual kicks from dressing up as women is the biggest red flag, and that's before you get to the non binary and pan sexuals under the umbrella. Why do they identify as lesbians? Mmmm, let me think!!!

80% of transwomen retain their penises. A cohort are attracted to women. It's not rocket science to work it out. You have every right to be angry at the denial of this motivation, and that the implications will be so far reaching for the rights of women and girls.

Bird, thank you for telling your story. Not his propaganda, but your truth - the truth. You, a woman speaking, helps us to see through the gaslighting. It is powerful and you have all my respect.

How old are your children? Once they are about 11 or 12 they can make up their own minds about contact. They already know about the tension and will not want to cause more.
My exH had taunted me mercilessly for 4 years and gas-lighted me saying frequently: "You need an anger management course". His behaviour was so disturbed that I would not let the children see him (not yet castrated but on the way) without another adult present to provide an independent pair of eyes and safeguarding. We never found a mutually agreeable and available person. So they have only ever seen him briefly with me present in the context of divorce. He is very manipulative in his e-mails to them. As young children I had the passwords for their Googlemail accounts. I used to print out his e-mails and we would analyse them together for lies and manipulation. They learned much earlier than normal about half-truths, transferring blame, and generally manipulating relationships from afar. He didn't succeed. They flourished independently in my care.

bird
As pombear said:
"You didn'tcauseit.
You can'tcureit.
You can'tcontrolit.
The impact is what you're dealing with.

You are an amazing woman, and you are stronger and braver than you know. You and the other trans widows who have had the courage to post on this thread have done so much to raise awareness of this issue. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. Massive respect to you all. Stay strong

Every time somebody says we're "brave" it makes me worry that they're saying it because they they think that I will be outed or that there will be consequences from my ex that I've talked about it.

If that's not why you think we're brave then feel free to reassure me?

tinsel haven't posted on the thread before, but the reason I would describe women posting here as brave or courageous is because i believe it is very very difficult to free yourself from abusive behaviour and gaslighting and to speak your own truth. Hence, brave and courageous for the act of speaking, not because of potential consequences.

I normally stay off this thread as it's not my space to comment. However, in the spirit of reassurance: I am a poster who would use the word "brave" to describe the women talking here. I would call any person courageous who is living with even a fraction of the experiences you have shared. It takes nerve to speaks up, support yourself (& other people), and try to find a way to escape. I find it very difficult to talk about personal issues so even opening up to friends takes some bravery, IMO. But by writing here you are doing something beautiful.
Thank you to all for educating me, showing great strength and talking about this

Tinsel I'm only one person here, so not representative, but 'brave' to me means that you're speaking out, about your experience, and the braver is that you stil don't know whether your personal experience will resonate with others or whether your're a lone voice.

That's brave.

And given other voices here, it looks like you're not alone,and there are other women with similar experiences.

Brave to me loooks like sharing your experiences when you don't know whether you're alone. Many of us empathise with what you're going through, but haven't experienced it.

To me, and I'm an individual, so can't speak for others, brave doesn't mean 'risking everything', but saying something in the face of a tsunami of 'trans positive' social media and traditional media positive of making everything fab and glittery for all those involved in 'trans'.

It's a brave woman who steps up and says 'this is not my experience'.

Not because you are braving being different. But because you are a voice of experience, that, in this strange, topsy turvy world, is seen as a negative perspective.

To TinselAngel, Birdbandit, EmilyHowardsWife, Farinthepast: I have intruded clumsily in the past in this thread .
My AGP exH left us 12 years ago, and the divorce was made absolute 4 years ago. Things have got gradually better for us ever since. There is no contact with my exH at all. He has given up chasing our now adult children, thank God. So I want to reassure you that you will all escape the manipulation and torture inflicted by these cold and confused men because you are all normal and the AGPs are not.
The support of Mumsnetters is fantastic and effective as good mental health therapy.
Would you like to have an effect on the Government and their consultation on the GRA? I have the opportunity through Stephanie Davies-Arai of Transgender Trend to represent the views of Transwidows directly to the Home Office. I have already recruited two Transwidows through other channels, but I want to write about the common experiences which you have so clearly described here and summarise them in a few short paragraphs to give directly to a senior Civil Servant, face to face. Who would like to join me? Please write here, or DM me as soon as possible. The more put their hand up the better.

Thanks all, that's reassuring.

Maybe I shouldn't have panicked and got my AMA thread pulled when people started saying how "brave" I am.

@Scientistranswidow I'm well aware of the consultation on reform of the GRC, but couldn't contribute to a AGP partners' perspective because as I've said previously, I don't think that describes my ex.

It would be a very valuable contribution from yourself and others, though.

GRA FFS! need an edit button.

My exH was so secretive that I don't know much about his sexual preferences. Actually his interest in sex seemed to be weak at best and declined after the birth of our daughter. He didn't cross-dress. In fact he waited until the year of his departure to leave a dress from Dorothy Perkins, a pair of women's shoes in a size 9 and a credit card in a female version of his name in a cupboard where I was sure to find them. And when I challenged him about these items he said simply: "It's true. I'm a transsexual". And he walked out on us 4 months later.
I have been exposed to gas-lighting as he picked fights with me about anything and everything and then said triumphantly "You need an anger management course". But I was not exposed to cross-dressing or cross-sexual practices. Yet later in an e-mail exchange he wrote two sentences by way of explanation: (1) he had been abused by a headmaster at one of his schools and (2) his aunt encouraged him to cross-dress. The secrecy and the dishonesty are the overriding characteristics. I say "autogynaephile" because he was charming and very attractive to women, but he went about systematically destroying three marriages. He played on his charm to lure victims. He also defrauded the DWP of £15K. So many of the comments describe manipulation and control: my exH certainly used people until he had extracted what he wanted out of them. This is maybe not the sexually obsessed AGP, but it is the "late onset" gender dysphoria sufferer.

Bird for every TRA 'brave and stunning' male-bodied person who is visible, be it on twitter, advising Stonewall, winning awards for femaies, many of us hear the family, the wife, the children, behind their 'brave and stunning' profile and hear your words, hear your pain, and we are here.

I have also noticed that it's becoming very commonplace for the very next comment after a transwoman comes out, is for someone to say what about the wife?

The word is spreading that stunning and brave is nothing of the sort.

This thread has been pivotal in that. It's absolutely vital.

tinsel I know your experience is not the same as birds. Personally me believing you are brave is to do with you starting this thread. Putting other people ahead of yourself. And allowing them room to talk. Nothing to do with you being outed.

It takes guts to take one's personal distress and experience and flip it intentionally in order to help others, and hopefully oneself too.

For reasons which I've made quite clear, I am incredibly grateful for this thread. More than any of you can imagine.

Thanks @Datun that honestly does mean a lot.

I'd like to play a more prominent part in the resistance, but there's various reasons why that would currently be a very bad idea, so it's heartening to know that this has maybe made a difference.

Tinsel

Believe me, this thread is of the utmost importance. It's the living embodiment of one of the prominent issues.

This isn't feminists trying to convince anyone. This isn't statistics. It isn't a study, or a survey. Or an opinion.

This is an irrefutable, undeniable gut wrenchingly honest account. There is no agenda, no side, no bias.

Its authenticity is beyond doubt. And because of that, it's one of the most powerful pieces of information we have.

I thank you. Truly. X

When I call the women here brave it's because it would have been much easier to just go along with what your shitty husbands/exes want and facilitate their fetishes, as that's what society expects of you and there will no doubt have been a ton of pressure to do so. That you've chosen the harder path of skepticism and resistance, and tried your best to protect your children from their father's mental illness, is brave in my book.

Tinsel

I can only echo what previous posters have said to explain why I use the word "brave" to describe the women who have shared their stories on this thread.

Reading your experiences is indeed powerful and moving. These accounts are seldom heard. Thank you for speaking out.

Brave because not only are you recognising and standing up to the abuse - but flying in the face of "woke think" where you're saying "nope this isn't what I signed up for". It's brave in the current climate to not support your "stunning and brave" husband and instead call out just how proposterous it all is.

I wasn't fishing for compliments

I have also noticed that it's becoming very commonplace for the very next comment after a transwoman comes out, is for someone to say what about the wife?

Yes. This is me. Because of the subcultures I moved around in when I was younger, I knew quite a few TS and TV people (when the world was still sane and saw these groups as distinct from one another).

I kind of thought the TVs were a bit sad and pathetic even then but, most importantly, that they weren't hurting anyone so what did it matter? Ashamed to confess that I was oblivious to the wives and children at home.

So I am very grateful to the women on this thread and those who have written blogs or otherwise spoken up. I cannot imagine it is easy to disclose these private and often painful details - but I regard it as a service to all women. As such, absolutely should be commended as courageous.

Scientist, count me in. Please do let me know how I can help.

Yes, I think we can all agree that it is so much easier to just not speak, to let the (in my case) middle aged, white, incredibly privileged and successful MAN have it his way. To not challenge his lies. It would be so much easier to just let him abuse his position and privilege.

It's so much easier to just say nothing or to agree that his version of events, our history, his pitch/story is true.

But it's not true.

I'm sorry for all the people who are made uncomfortable by my version of events in my marriage, my evidence not fitting their imagination of what has happened.

My husband is sexually aroused by wearing women's clothes, by the power he has to override women's voices, by appropriating the symbolism of "woman" to fulfill a humiliation fetish, an escape/role play sex game.

I know this. I have 20 years experience of living with this man. Only a fool or a bigot would minimise my experience.

What have I got to gain from speaking out?

Birdbandit
Thank you so much for speaking up.
Can you please contact me directly off-line? I am a novice on Mumsnet, but I think that you can contact me privately.

I will try from my end too.
Thank you!

I have a website Transwidows.com which is up and running, but really bare of material.... You can also contact me through the contact page there.