Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

On it like a rocket. X

With permission from @JuanaLaLoca, here's the film of her talk mentioned up thread- starting at 1hr 18m

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NqxzLy0O-4E

I'm really proud this thread was mentioned by Juana, it makes it feel like we're making a difference by telling our stories.

Interesting point raised in the speech regarding being a "cover" for our trans partners activities while they're still in the closet. I do wonder if I was my ex's beard.

Watching now TinselAngel

Thank you for sharing your story

How do you cope with the guilt?

I know it isn't my fault, but I KNOW that people are being manipulated, kids are being sterilised, all to suit or cover my STBXHs paraphilia or fetish.

It isn't just guilt, but a shameful feeling of impotence, people should believe me, we were together for 20 years. I should be able to stop this, but I can't.

I can only save myself and maybe my kids. And that's a big maybe. Who knows who the kids will believe down the line. He has so many fooled, am I really going to spend the next 10-15 years on high alert, watching for signs that he is trying to manipulate them?

It is completely ghastly.

I read the accounts of parents struggling with their children, and I know that my STBXH is part of this.

How do you deal with this?

Bird I've never posted here, as I don't usually feel it's my place. I have such empathy for you all going through such shit, and hopefully all our varied actions elsewhere will give you strength to know we're behind you and see what you're going through.

But your latest post reminded me of the mantra for family and friends of alchoholics - it's exactly the same:

You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.

The impact is what you're dealing with.

But the impact is not your responsibility, nor something that you caused.

I cannot imagine what you're going through - but this is not in your control. You're dealing with the fall-out. But your STBXH's actions are not yours.

I hope you don't feel this is trite, but you deserve so much support. Much love to you.

I'm just so bloody angry.

If it were just his life, and only he suffered the consequences of his actions then I could wave good buy, chalk it up to experience.

If it were just his life, mine and our kids, then I could suck it up as every divorced to a dickish ex parent does, move on and make the best of our situation for our kids.

But it's not just him, me and the kids.

It is him as a TRA, an advertising and marketing "guru", manipulating so many outside of our marriage, to facilitate his sexual fetish. Kids are quite literally being sterilised and sent down a path of horrible mental health problems, TO VALIDATE, his kink.

I am so, so angry.

You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.

The kids being sent down that path - that's not something you're complicit in. That's his actions and decisions.

The marketing 'guru' status - that's not something you're complicit in.

You're here, giving a voice to the many women who have been subject to this selfish, destructive path, which currently seems to be validated by organisations and high-profile people.

Your voice helps others to keep on going, to keep being activists to challenge this ideology, to keep on fighting for the rights of women and girls.

You don't ever have to feel you need to continue to do so. Your mental and physical health is the most important here, and those of your family.

Many of us here hear your anger, and it reminds us why we're doing what we're doing to come alongside you.

Bird for every TRA 'brave and stunning' male-bodied person who is visible, be it on twitter, advising Stonewall, winning awards for femaies, many of us hear the family, the wife, the children, behind their 'brave and stunning' profile and hear your words, hear your pain, and we are here.

One of the reasons we are here.

We can't ease your anger, but we can stand with you and take action to address the problem.

I'm bumping this even though it's not that long since I posted it, as I'd like some others hopefully to wrap a blanket around bird and recognise what they're going through.

Bird's at the 'centre' of the storm, as far as I can see it. Can we show her some love and support.

She didn't cause it, she can't control it, and she can't cure it.

But for some bizarre reasons,, her experience is being sidelined and the 'brave and stunning' people like her STBX are the voices who are lauded, enveloped and supported.

Bumping again my lovely FWR people. Warm blanketing?

Thank you Bird (and all of you strong women on this thread). I found you almost by accident many months ago and you helped me understand the context of the trans debate... that it's not about the 'brave' individual but about the pain and chaos they leave in their selfish wake. And that their actions ripple out to involve and hurt others. If it hadn't been for you I'd still be sitting vaguely on the fence.

Bird

It's not your fault.

It isn't.

It isn't your fault.

Don't feel guilty. Don't feel guilty for the actions of someone else.

It's not your fault Bird. Your anger is righteous.

We're all with you.

What everybody else has said, Bird, but also don't worry about your kids. With a sensible mother to keep them grounded I'm sure they'll end up rolling their eyes at his TRA nonsense just like my DD does x

We’re here.

Much love bird. What you are doing here, posting so honestly and openly, is part of the resistance. You are a very, very significant part of the groundswell that will help an awful lot of people who feel abandoned right now.

I get so weary with it all. With my kids, memories from my background, I often get hugely discouraged. But there have definitely been times when I have read this thread, and thought of you, and my friend who is also a transwidow with two troubled children and an ex-husband who is phenomenally selfish , yet he is feted while she and her children are forgotten, and I have been galvanized back into action. I was standing in the rain yesterday talking to people for you. And I am typing here right now to make it clear that you are not to blame for the selfish behaviour of your STBXH, and we. Have. Your. Back.

It's not your fault bird

What you are doing here, posting so honestly and openly, is part of the resistance. You are a very, very significant part of the groundswell that will help an awful lot of people who feel abandoned right now

Second what Floral said. Thank you for speaking out bird. We hear you, you are helping to galvanise many women to act to oppose the madness.

A lot of us hold you in our hearts Bird - you and and the other posters on this thread . We can only try to comprehend what you must be going through but you are not alone - we're here if you need support

Standing with you bird

We support you, bird. We appreciate you.

Thank you

I am bloody furious though. It's not just me, we are all here telling people who should recognise that they don't know, what our experience is.

It is misogyny in action that our narrative comes second to the men, or ex or current husbands and partners, who start off their chat by saying they are successful liars.

I just cannot understand why, when the evidence is there, us, the heaps you can see online (both words and pictures!) the writings of spokespersons like Jenner. WHY do so many put their fingers on their ears and "la la la" over any suggestion that sexual arousal is a factor?

Or the others who imagine they understand that of course it's about arousal, but cannot understand or recognise their own prioritising of the man's right to get aroused in any way he wants, in public, over and at the expense of women and kids who are the props in his sex game.

Bird, I too came across this thread months ago in active, and was appalled. You, and others, came across as wise and strong. An important testimony of the havoc created by something that on the surface seemed harmless and inclusive.

Stay strong, and don't worry. You are not responsible. Absolutely the opposite.

Karma...always gets them.

Nowadays I'm less interested in Karma, as I am in people not being dim enough to believe him and his fetish addled friends.

I'm Of trying to prevent some of the damage he's happy to wreck, in order for him to get his sexual arousal.

Bird As all the excellent posts above me say - it isn't your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty. If anything you ARE bringing awareness through this thread. This thread has taught me so much about the destructive side of this and how it affects the families - the people we never hear about when these men are praised in the press. Here you and the other trans widows are giving a voice to those who are ignored and it is SO important. Don't underestimate the awareness you are bringing to other women and don't feel guilty for the actions of your ex. As always I support you and the other women on this (very important) thread.