Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

@Farinthepast
100% its a fetish my ex has. Fancies himself all dressed up. He's now recently said "oh I'm more 'drag' than cross dresser" ... always told me it wasn't "sexual" but it 100% was.

I've just read this thread. There are no words really. All I can do is send my love and thoughts to all you strong and resilient women.

Interesting how they can rewrite their own histories isn't it Hobgoblin.

Do you know what sex your ex is now attracted to Tinsel?

My ex flip-flopped through what it was the he really wanted from the point he told me till we separated, had the op then regretted it. He mostly wanted to be a "lesbian" after the op so I'm pretty sure he was AGP but he'd not dressed as a woman before he came out. After he came out, he went for the full on slutty look to make up for lost time (influenced heavily by the dress code of his lovely new friends).

Masochistic BDSM on his own was his thing prior to that that I had absolutely no knowledge of. God knows what he would have been into if the internet had been around then.

@Farinthepast

It got a LOT worse when we finally got internet (2002) Married a year, we'd actually split, but was still living in the same home. I slept on the sofa. But that was when he was talking to other "transwomen" and he wanted to go on hormones to get boobs.

I hate looking back. Hindsight is an amazing thing

The "nicest" people (and I do mean men and women) can surprise with their sexual preferences. The people who have a paraphilia, you just wouldn't want to go there...

I wish you had managed to get out earlier, but you have now and that is the main thing. Onwards and upwards.

@Farinthepast
Unfortunately this is far from over. I've now got to fight for my eldest daughter. Call me paranoid, but I think he's filling her head with lies about me, went from "I'm living with you" to doesn't even speak to me anymore - that was in the first few months of me leaving. Now (2yrs on) he won't even acknowledge me. I'm hearing what she "thinks" from HIM, he is narrating her voice. I cannot go in hammer & tongs or I'll push her further away....

No, it's not over, but your relationship with your daughter is likely to improve in time, and you are in a better place mentally to deal with what you need to to make that happen. I know it will be tearing you apart at the moment though. It's such an awful place

@Farinthepast He's in a relationship with another trans woman and identifies as "pansexual" 🙄

He told me he'd always considered himself bisexual shortly before we split. Strangely he'd never though to mention it in the 13 years before that.

It was a "helpful friend" who sent me the pic! You are absolutely right, the less I see the better.

Bit shit that stuff is online for someone to potentially show the kids though, rather than for him to explain to them. He seems to prefer smoke and mirrors, assumptions and hints, than to use words.

But hey, as long as STBXH is happy.

STBXH is textbook AGP.

He does not have gender dysmorphia. He isn't unhappy with his male genitalia.

He is dysmorphic, in that the sex role he wants to perform, he determines to be "female". He is sexually attracted to himself dressed as a woman, he wants to be sexually submissive, adored, dominated.

He hates me for rejecting his "authentic" self. Only I don't believe, based upon the 20 years we lived together, that this is his "authentic self".

He also hates me for knowing that he is aroused by his dressing. He was open about that at the beginning of all this, he only changed his story as his sales pitch was polished by online advice.

He want to sell this as his deep distress at being Male, and that I'm a meanie for not changing my sexuality to match his new demands.

@birdbandit

It's like reading my diary! At the beginning it was "a bit of sexy fun!"... then it changed to "it helps me relax".... to now it's Drag. "I just like that I can look really good, and I pass" (hmm no. You don't.)

OMG watching #LetAWomanSpeak live YouTube - Abigail's points... every. single. one.

The telling a truth in a way you think it's a lie!!

Here are Abigail's points

1. Obsessed with image ✔️
2. Use of Pornography ✔️
3. Vanity✔️
4. Judgemental of women(especially me)✔️
5. Sexual act linked with performance✔️
6. Involvement with young people (not so much thankfully!)

7 Delusion about passing✔️

1. Exhibitionism✔️

@Hobgoblin27 I'm not a trans widow but I am catching up on the thread.

I just wanted to say how heartbroken I am too read your story.

@Italiangreyhound

I've gathered strength from here and fellow feminists! I won't be beaten! 👊🏼👊🏼❤️❤️

Tinsel I've had to look up Pansexual and am shaking my head thinking pretentious fucking nonsense to describe having sex with whoever you happen to be attracted to. I'm afraid that I think the other however-many-other gender identities that have been defined are also made up nonsense (although I do accept asexuality exists).

Bird Hopefully your "helpful friend" knows that future updates will be unwelcome! The fact that your kids could see it in the future is just an awful prospect.

I keep thinking I've missed the memo about why TRA's don't want us to talk about the paraphilic dimension - it's a bloody great big elephant in the room that we have to keep edging around.

Hobgoblin27 you said "If my eldest found out and he told her I left BECAUSE of that, it would be the end of our "non existent" relationship. "

Can you explain why? Can you say why your daughter thinks you left?

You really don't need to say unless you want to.

Emily can you get your husband to move back to your home country before you split up?

I'm not sure of the law but if you live abroad and split I think you might legally have to stay in the country you split in.

I just think I'd say almost anything to get him to move as a family to where you want to be then reevaluate once there.

Can you secretly get legal advice and start stashing away cash?

@Italiangreyhound

My eldest daughter doesn't speak to me. I believe he has done to her what he did to me (gaslight/manipulate) she is an LGBT+ ally.... heavily... believes "TWAW" ... my ex told me "oh her and her friends suspect I'm a drag queen"...I didn't ask WHY she thought that (my youngest has confided she has found things and bras and a dildo! Which I've had to play down!!)
I believe if she ever found out he was a cross dresser (AGP) he'd give her a sob story about how I HATED it and never let him do it... he'd manipulate her into thinking I was AGAINST trans... as I said... call me paranoid, but I can see my own life unfolding with her and him..... and there's nothing I can do

That's so terrible. How old is she?

Oh Hobgoblin, time will help things.

You are a few years ahead of your daughter, but she will catch up.

I would be truthful and consistent. You can say that you split up because he wasn't and isn't truthful about his life, and that to build a life together honesty and trust is necessary.

It's really hard to not react, especially when stress levels are high.

I have a friend who split from her partner because he was a thieving, lying cheat. Their daughter hero worshipped this clod, but she grew up, and saw for herself what sort he was. Loves her mum now and you can see the strength she has developed, from understanding what her mum was capable of dealing with, for her.

Trust your child. She's a young idiot, she doesn't have the experience to understand yet. Stay away from discussion about the politics, just keep reiterating what you value in a relationship, hopefully your daughter will think about what she values.

Not affected by issues on this thread but talking to (male) partner about autogynephilia and women in such marriages and the first thing he asked was "what about the wives?". There is sympathy and understanding out there, maybe in unexpected places, and I wish you all supportive people in your lives.

STBXH is dysphoric not dysmorphic! Bloody hell, autocorrect.

@Farinthepast I had to google "pansexual" too, when ex put in his twitter profile that that's what he was, before we split up.

I think if you take the trans ideology to its logical conclusion, you have to claim to be pansexual.

Well done to our very own @birdbandit for being all over the thread about this article, which illustrates very well exactly what we've been up against:

go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.leicestermercury.co.uk/news/leicester-news/decisions-led-dad-become-transgender-1944624

Link to thread about this article:

Stunning, brave translady is both stunning and bravewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3349338-Stunning-brave-translady-is-both-stunning-and-brave