Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

Total possession does seem to be the aim, whether it be of the narrative, the history, what people say and think. And his interpretation of my "look" (but done in a Clare's accessories kind of way).

It is absolutely chilling.

And his interpretation of my "look" (but done in a Clare's accessories kind of way).

My ex didn't try to look like me, but the possession thing... OMG. "Okay, so you're divorcing me, but then let's buy property together and live as neighbors". As if I would ever be insane enough to sign up for that.

My STBXH is still on a major PR drive, I'm off FB because he's targeting/cloying up to all of my friends and acquaintances, folk he doesn't know and "liking" literally everything they do. He didn't give a crap about any of those people before. He's mid 40s and behaving like a 14 year old Uriah Heep.

It is embarrassing.

Total possession is the aim. Of my look, my friends, the narrative, he wants it all.

@birdbandit

My ex hasn't got any friends, except one woman across the road where he lives, but he classes friends as "people he 'keeps sweet' if ever he needs anything!"

My 2 youngest daughters have told me he has a new girlfriend now - I feel sorry for her. But my youngest told me then my eldest (who doesn't talk to me) has his new girls number..... she was slightly panicked as she said "dad said she wanted her to have her number in case anything happens to him because her dad is around, I don't know i don't remember" - but of course if I say anything I'm in the wrong. I've just gotta make sure my 2 youngest know I'm only a phone call away if they need me.

I keep typing and deleting. Everything I can say has already been said over and over again. I wish I'd never met him.

@UpstartCrow

Just knowing you're not alone helps a little x

Total possession is the aim. Of my look, my friends, the narrative, he wants it all.

How hollow must they be to go down this route.

All my love to you all.

Just posting to show support and to document where I am with all of this. It helps me to look back at my past situation and how I felt at that time.

Pink fog is rolling in again after a major purge a few months ago. Promises to never mention or do it again. Luckily I stopped him from chucking out all the "clown" shoes, make up and the rest of the paraphilia that has cost a fortune (who knew silicon realistic breasts are sooo expensive!!!!). Because he would now be spending a small fortune replacing everything he had binned.

It has started by my AGP telling me that he had femme thoughts, but was in control and wouldn't involve me.
A day later, he definitely wanted to dress, but it was just a fantasy.
A day later, he wanted to dress but only with me and he knew I wasn't into it so would not think of it anymore.
End of the week, has been using manipulation, love-bombing and even anger/tantrums to get me to agree to have sex with him while dressed.
Feeling fairly strong as I've resisted and kept very calm, saying he can do as he likes as it's his body, but not with me.

He has tried to guilt trip me, but my answer is that I would prefer to go back to my home country with children and he work through this by himself. He point blank refuses to accept this.
First time I've stated that we could separate, even if only on a temporary basis. Sounds so lame in this post, especially with all the other brave women who have broken free - but for me it was a huge mental leap.
Strength and honour to everyone in this situation.

Sounds so lame

No it doesn't.

Emily, at some point he is going to decide that he doesn't need you as a beard anymore, and will throw you and the kids aside.

I wish I had been more prepared. I'm sorry to say but I think you need to start prepping hard for that eventuality. Get your life/finances etc in order, so that whoever quits first, be it you or him, you are prepared.

Even at Christmas last, I couldn't imagine that this wasn't something my STBXH would do. I truly believed he would have that thunderbolt of decency, that he would realise that full time fetishised crossdressing wasn't the only option. But middle aged men are known to fuck up their lives for the short term whims of their penis, and here we are now.

Get prepping, honestly knowing you are working towards something positive, even if it feels like you are tunnelling out with a spoon, is good for your head.

I hope from reading your post that you are getting over the hysterical bonding phase, and are viewing his behaviour, his bullying you to accommodate his sexual wants, objectively. And with your own rights in the picture. I hope so at least.

As always, good luck.

It is interesting to read through this thread and my heart goes out to all of you.

It's like a mid life crisis where instead of running off with the secretary, these men try to make themselves into the secretary. Presumably because the secretary in reality wouldn't want them.

All very odd.

I congratulate you for escaping those who have done.

Birdbandit. Tunnelling out with a spoon, is exactly where I am and how I feel. I am just at the beginning of thinking how I can live on my own. I'm at the beginning of a mountan trek, with the first step taken.

I have said over and over that full Trans is a deal breaker for me.
At the beginning of this pink fog phase, I restated how scared I was that he would go towards full time dressing. He then had a full tantrum saying how angry he is having to restate over and over again that this is not the case. I watched him with a detached eye and could see the anger wasn't at me, he was angry and scared that is where this will eventually go. Also angry that I can really "see" him for what he is.
Pleased with myself that I never apologised for upsetting him with my treacherous thoughts, and just calmly carried on, like I would if a toddler was playing up and tantruming over a ridiculous whim.

birdbandit

Your advice to other women is humbling to read for people like me. It's so impressive that you have achieved this clarity of thought.

EmilyHowardsWife

Don't ever think that what you relay on here sounds lame. There isn't a woman reading this who cannot feel the heart thumping, dried mouth reactions for themself. However far removed from the actual situation they are.

@EmilyHowardsWife You don't sound lame. I stayed right up until my ex had the go ahead from the GIC to start transitioning! (Although I wouldn't recommend that, or do it if I had my time over again).

I'm glad you've posted, I've been wondering how you are.

TinselAngel Dating. Thanks for your kind words.

I'm OK, not posted as we've been in the purge cycle - the part where we both deny he is a crossdresser and it's not to be mentioned as it is too upsetting (for him not me) to talk about.

I am noticing the bing/purge cycles are getting more emotionally intense and more regular, with shorter times between needing to dress. I think he has noticed this too but I can't say anything as he gets very angry and a bit aggressive when I bring it up (luckily not ever violent, a line I don't think he would cross).

Honestly Emily, this is all so familiar it's like I'm reading my own diary.

I don't know if STBXH would be out, if he hadn't backed himself so far into a corner with his threats and shitty behaviour, that really he had no choice.

He only came "out" when I took him to a private doctor then paid (through insurance) for the Priory. I took him to the doctor because he was at the height of a pink fog binge, making horrible demands of me, and being aggressive. He was threatening suicide if I didn't "get with the programme". I was forcing him to kill himself with my non compliance, of not accepting his sexy thoughts as truth.

I think if he hadn't gone to the Priory we would have continue to binge/purge cycle, with each of us getting more desperately unwell.

Lucky for STBXH, coming out has absolved him of all responsibility for his crappy behaviour, lying and making me his beard for 20 years "understandable", he's so brave etc.

Prep hard, because once out public understanding and sympathy (for you) is in short supply. If you are further broken by him, it'll be shit.

You need to know that it is him, not you. That you are the expert when it comes to how you experienced your marriage and his sexuality. You need to develop a hide to protect you from the dimwits who read a few guardian articles, don't know the difference between transgender/sexual, but still assume they have a greater understanding of your marriage than you.

Sorry mate.

Saying all that, it is so much better out than in. Oh my goodness, so much better.

birdbandit. They are not as unique and special as they think they are. It's only coming here and comparing we can see how boringly similar they all are.
I'm sure that my real middle aged female self cannot compete with his brave/stunning butterfly self. But I know the real truth, as you do and anyone who reads our experiences.

I've just gone through menopause which is real life change and a dramatic metamorphosis into a new phase of life. My real life biological change is obviously not as interesting as his fantasy metamorphosis into a teenage glamour stripper (even to health care professionals).
I fully expect voyastic interest, disapproval and derision. But then most seperated/divorced women get this to some extent. I know I will need to harden myself.

My ex didn't do the emotional blackmail - he poked my jealousy with a stick.... he KNEW I wasn't "into" it, it didn't do anything for me, so he used to say "ok I won't do it around you" .... but then he'd go online into chat rooms talking to women (flirting (something he NEVER did with me!)) id find out, then because I was weak & didn't want to lose him (I hate I was that way!) I allowed dressing around me again.... until I couldn't take it anymore, so I would find my strength & day no again.... for him to go back to the chat rooms to find more women to tell him how "sexy" he was.... repeat for 14yrs.....

I'm bloody furious. STBXH was dazzling in a frock, at a dinner/ on a stage this week, proffering his words of wisdom, and promoting his interest in a charity, FFS.

I know he's an abusive, nasty, lying, selfish fetishist, who has absolutely no interest in doing anything that isn't for him.

Which this little jaunt was. Entirely about self promotion.

I'm astonished that folk seem to fall for it.

Although I bet when the shit hits the fan, they all "knew".

Hi Bird, I'm a regular lurking on your thread. That sounds utterly rage inducing - god you must want to smash something.

My heart goes out to you - to all you women dealing with this narcissistic abusive shit from your (ex)husbands.

Bird, you need to disengage from following his activities as much as you possibly can or it will drive you insane.

It used to upset me how my ex was styling himself as a brave and beautiful TRA when I know what a massive coward he has always been.

These days I ignore it. I don't look at his social media and we don't have mutual friends to report on what his up to. And DD rolls her eyes over it all- she's not interested in being his cheerleader.

No good can come of you following his life.

Emily I'm pleased that you can see the glimmer of a way out. Hold strong.

Bird I'd agree, try to stop following. In the days before social media, you would never have known what your ex was doing. Hopefully you don't have "helpful" friends who want to keep you up to date though.

As far as this thread is concerned, is there anybody here who feels like they were involved with somebody who was truly experiencing gender dysphoria or have all been fetishistic partners?

Partners with a paraphilia perhaps more correctly.

I think my ex is more of the old fashioned transsexual. I didn't see any evidence of him being AGP. Hasn't stopped him being swept up in trans activism though.