Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

Orbital0, I can't believe you came back, and even did righteous indignation. Your original post was completely inappropriate on a support thread for women who do not need to know about your proclivities or your justifications for them.
Display some decorum, empathy and basic understanding and don't stomp back in whining about being a minority.

Orbital0 Oh get stuffed with your 'woe is me' pity post. Just how narcissistic and selfish are you? Any decent human being would have apologised for any offensive caused and started a new thread, as suggested by several posters (myself included).

Initially I have you the benefit of the doubt, and hoped your post was an example of good intentions but poor judgement. You've just proved that you posted purely to validate yourself and you don't give a stuff about the women on this thread.

Take your fetish and piss off. You're not wanted here.

('Here' being this thread. By all means, start a thread somewhere else on Mumsnet, maybe even do an AMA)

Hi @Orbital0,

We sent you a mail on Monday explaining why we deleted your post, and suggesting that you start a thread of your own rather than post on this support thread.

Please do check your emails - we're happy to discuss this further but would prefer to do it off the boards so as not to derail this thread further.

Many thanks.

Fucks sake. There isn't a single woman on this thread who hasn't heard the man's POV already. There's also an entire Reddit devoted to the man's POV.

This thread is for women to talk and listen to each other. And its been really helpful for me to read so many near - identical accounts to mine.

Unbelievable. When you're given a boundary, respect it. Or everyone will see who you are.

Eye roll at @Orbital0. What level of confidence/narcissism must a fellow have if he thinks he's going to succeed here? Manipulating a bunch of women who are dab hands at navigating the grim?

Notice his reply was just a woe is me, he as the marginalised victim, and he's trying to help us by talking about his fetish! Uggghhh.

And just to be clear. The reason I reported @Orbital0 's post was because the behaviour he was describing and justifying and minimising was exactly the sort of behaviour we have escaped.

This thread is not aimed at people who want to make an accommodation with their trans partner. Fuck knows there's enough support of that kind about. It's called "escape committee" for a reason.

We'll see Orbitals's wife in due course, no doubt.

And I spent 13 years listening to the man's POV. It sure as hell isn't what I come here for.

tinsel

Orbital's posts demonstrate extremely well the type of clueless selfishness you've all had to face. Obviously there is much much worse that you have to deal with. I won't take up any more of your thread, but we have your backs here.

Many good thoughts in your direction, and wishing you and all the other trans widows strength.

I have a friend who is a trans widow, and the devastation her husband wreaked on her and their children is truly heartbreaking. Everything is about him and his comfort, and kids have struggled immensely. She tells me the very hardest thing to deal with is the way everything is designed around feteing the trans person, and there is zero support for her or her children.
She is not a lesbian, was not happy to pretend to be one, and so the marriage ended. Everywhere I turn I am touched by this madness, which is one reason why I will never be silent and acquiesce to it. You ladies have my full support and best wishes xx

Just popping in to say I’ve also reported this poster. I’ve been reading this thread since the start, quietly cheering you all on and in awe of your strength in dealing with your partners/husbands/ ex.

The women here do not need to know more about AGP from the perspective of a man who has it. They did not ask for "helpful" input on how to learn to accept it from a man who has it.

All orbital has done is demonstrate the fact that violating women's boundaries is an inherent part of AGP. Which most of us here already knew, but hey, I guess yet another example might be useful for any confused lurkers.

One is more than enough.

My heart goes out to you poor women , as I have read all you report and seen even worse , being a lesbian growing up with two brothers ,(one who became AGP TV who eventually flew out to Thailand )

being a solicitor , have advised colleagues representing wives who have put up with the most appauling behavior by their AGP Transvestite husbands

the only advice I can offer is get out of that marriage as quickly as you can !

My big brother started out being a closeted transvestite , who was totally against anyone who was Gay or Lesbian and insisted he would never take hormones or have sugery , we have nothing to do with him now

If it any cold comfort we have seen a few of these men in gay clubs making fools of themselves or sitting in the corner crying

even the GIC,s ,now have started to treat these AGP Transvestites very differently

I am sure if you write to James Barrett at Charing Cross GIC , without coming across as a RadFem , he sounds a reasonable man, who may listen to all you , which may help other married women going through the nighmare you have had to put up with

write your storys and have them published in mainstream womens magazines, these men can mess their own lives up, but it isnt right to cause problems for their wives , children and extended family

support each other , meet up with other wives going though what you have put up with for far too long

This may surprise many, as on the main boards we are supportive of old school Transsexuals , who really are nice people and want to live quiet lives without upsetting anyone

Those people aren't Autogynaephilliac obsessed Transvestites !

good luck and best wishes to you

I thought this article about a woman, Christine Benvenuto, whose husband deserted her and her three small children to fulfill his self identity journey may be of interest. It’s by the guardian from 2012. Can’t imagine them publishing this now.
Sad, sad story.

amp.theguardian.com/society/2012/nov/02/my-husbands-sex-change?CMP=share_btn_tw&__twitter_impression=true

The book is also very good. And sad. And awful, at times - the husband forces their small daughter to play dress up with him behind a closed door while the sons watch tv in the living room. He tells her she can give him the "girlhood he never had".

Grim reading. Thanks for the share.

I've read the book recently, as mentioned upthread. It's a very interesting read. I wish I'd known about it when I was going through the same thing.

Goodness me, just catching up after some time away. Why is it that the most narcissistic, selfish, awful men are so convinced they're victims when women say 'no' or have any kind of boundary? Can't believe Orbital0 came back. Will be interested to see if he does start another thread or if this was really all about violating womens' boundaries.

Orbital's posts demonstrate extremely well the type of clueless selfishness you've all had to face

This 100x

for the transwidows. Reading, learning and in absolute awe of all you've survived.

Thank you for starting this thread!

I'm 3yrs out of my marriage (now divorce is going thro! Hoping it won't be long!)

15yrs. I was with him 15yrs. 3 daughters. Looking back at it all, I can see little bits, that others saw, but I (refused?) to see. It hurts to think the man who told me time & time again he loved me, really didn't, it was all about control for him. Having a "cover" for his fetish (he claims it "relaxes him" .... its sex based and he knows it.

It all started with a More! Magazine quiz!!

"What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done"

I was 18, hadn't even been having sex for a year, so I didn't have an answer. His? "Me and my ex, went to a fancy dress party, and I dressed as a woman, and we had sex on the beach"....

Then a few days after that, he put on a pair of MY underwear... and then more & more... "it's just a little fun".... I was young & naive ... clearly.

I fell pregnant 7months into the relationship, my mum forced us to get married (I'm not having my first grandchild born a bastard!) we ended up losing our first daughter, my first scan was at 18 weeks (I was 'low risk') she had Turners Syndrome, I had an amniocentesis, it confirmed. We were told she wouldn't make it to term, but they couldn't tell me when I would miscarry, but I would at some point. It was classed as a "Missed Miscarriage".
I had to go thro Labour & giving birth, they couldn't do it surgically, as they could risk perforating my womb.
4weeks later, we got married.

We were pregnant again the month our first was due to be born, that was hard. Our 2nd daughter was born. He dressed on and off (mostly on) it got to the point where one morning, he got up with our daughter in full women's underwear (basque, stockings, a wig) she was 12months old. I went NUCLEAR! He never did that again.

He went thro stages of getting rid of all his clothes, shoes, wigs, etc. But then a few months later, he'd be buying new stuff. He had TOTAL control of ALL money. Always told me there was no money - but there was always money for his fetish.

He lied CONSTANTLY! And if I pulled him on the lies, he'd lie about lying and accuse ME of being a bunny boiler (I'm not even joking) then he'd say he DID lie (no shit Sherlock) but then followed with "....but I knew you'd react like this when I told you".... 👈🏼 this was his basis for lying ... because I'm some sort of monster!

He loves being online (pics of him dressed and being complimented!) when I told him I wasn't happy, he'd say sorry. But continued doing it, not even after I said "how would you feel if it was ME putting those kind of pictures up?" He admitted he wouldn't like it, yet carried on doing it regardless.
He PM'd with so many women, under the guise of "I know you don't like it" ... so that made it ok?? I even caught an email he'd sent some woman calling her MISTRESS!
Scared me told him it's ok to dress around me again, because I was scared of losing the father of my children. Because I didn't want to be alone (looking back, he made me fear being alone! I live alone now, and it doesn't bother me at all!)
He was forever telling me HIS legs were better than mine, HIS bum was better than mine, HE was better than me at being a "woman".

In between all of this, we had 2 more daughters. My mental health got worse & worse, to the point I no longer wanted to be here anymore. Every appointment I had with MH workers, he was there, because I wanted him to be, I was asked by a MH worker if I self harmed, I admitted yes I did - he looked shocked and said "do you?!" Like I was lying, truth is, he never paid me any attention. I wasn't his wife, I was just the woman who gave him his daughters.

The lies got too much for me in the end, it was leave, or die where I was. I chose to leave. Which now, I shouldn't have. He's now claiming being a "single dad" (except for the "odd weekend") so ppl feel sorry for him. He's playing victim. He's done things so our children cannot live with me, our eldest, doesn't speak to me, she HATES me, but he tells me he's doing everything he can. Every time I ask about her, he shuts down the conversation. My middle daughter is Autistic, but she comes to see me & she texts me. Our youngest tells me, she doesn't think her daddy loves her. That's soul destroying. To know your baby feels that way. I live too far from her school to live with me, I moved here because they were all going to a school over this way. He changed the middle one, she now goes to a school closest to him, and he's doing the same for our youngest. I feel I've failed as a wife & as a mother. I cannot protect them.

From the outside looking in, we were "one of the strongest couples" anyone knew (and got told so many times!) and so many were shocked at the fact I'd left "such a nice man who would have done ANYTHING to you!" ... if only they'd known.

I'm 3yrs out of my marriage, im still battling my MH problems, I still suffer at his hands, I bite my tongue because if I don't, he gets the "ammo" to make our children hate me. I would have lost either way I went, if I'd stayed, I'd have lost. If I left, I've lost.

Sorry I went on, and sorry if it didn't make sense! There's so much i have left out, but it's hard to type it all out, it's hard to ADMIT it all happened. It's hard to know I was so weak.

❤️

Blimey Hobgoblin27, that's a difficult read. I cannot imagine what it would have been like to live through it.

I hope you find the strength to battle on and reach a point where you see that things are starting to improve.

@nauticant I take it day by day, and on really bad days, minute by minute. I won't stop fighting, I've come too far now x

Hobgoblin Keep taking it day by day and it will get better. I imagine you have difficulty admitting to what you have been through because you are ashamed, and you are probably still keeping it a secret? I hope you're still seeing somebody for help with your mental health and they can assist you to find ways to support your children when the ground has been taken from beneath you

@Farinthepast
I haven't told anyone most of this, it's the first time I've written it all down (well MOST of it down) I haven't had counselling as my MH is bad & they can't help (I'm an agoraphobic, I can't go to them & they can't come to me & they don't do over the phone!) so I'm at a catch22 situation. I just have to keep going x