Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

Bloody hell Tinsel. Well done you. Very brave.

I was married to an autogynephile more than fifteen years ago, before 'trans' was a 'thing'. He conducted a whole secret life in the course of which he spent many thousands of pounds 'feeding' his obsession with his 'image' of himself as a woman. He bought clothes, wigs, impossible shoes, expensive recording equipment, even a whole separate premises that acted as his 'base' and second home. At the same time he let me believe that his business was failing so I needed to pay all the household bills out of my salary as a teacher. It's a long story but I eventually discovered the truth when I turned detective, stole his keys, and 'raided' his joint - after which, in the end, he talked frankly about his activities. I am soon to give a talk about this kind of thing which will largely draw on my own experience. However, if anyone would like to supply a quote which I could use - anonymously of course - to show that it is just me then I would be grateful.

Welcome aboard @JuanaLaLoca - why are they always so terrible with money, I wonder?

Can you tell us any more about the talk.

Reading everybody else's stories, I think my ex was relatively tame - and I had served divorce papers and taken half of the joint savings within 9 months of his announcement (not a hint before that) so wasn't exposed to any debts like you JuanaLaLoca (although I did see the start of the sexualised female clothing for his nights out which was enough to make me recoil).

Tinsel just read your AMA thread. You've handled the questions well I got the shaving revulsion too and remember him rubbing his stubbly "breasts" against mine in one of the final times I let him touch me sexually. Stopped the event in an instant.

Tinsel ive just seen the thread has been deleted. I hope you are OK

I'm fine. I just thought with all the people telling me how brave I was and that the thread might be outing, it would probably be expedient to have it deleted.

I think it will have served it's purpose anyway as anybody who is interested will have seen it.

In an ideal world, I'd like to smoke out whatever criticisms TRA's (and my ex) could have about how I've handled the situation, but I've too much to lose at the present time from fighting that battle publicly.

It's very unfair, given how my ex wrote a blog about the decline of our marriage and went on about me endlessly (and critically) on social media , that I'm still frightened of what he would do if he knew I'd talked about it at all. But that's female socialisation for you.

It was very heartening though that so many people said they thought that I'd handled the situation well.

He did that After all the effort you made and what you put up with. FFS

Glad you are ok Tinsel I was worried that some radicals had come along to batter you

You handled that thread just right TinselAngel. Whenever I read any of your posts I feel a sense of relief that you managed to escape.

Oh God yes. Imagine if I'd stayed? Fortunately I had such a stroke of luck with social housing that it could almost convince me there's a God.

That sounds like a tough situation, frances. I don't have all the answers, but it is I suppose possible that your DH is feeling lonely and unhappy, too, if you are - especially if you're not having sex and also not communicating about it. It might be suppressed cross-dressing that is an issue, but it might not be - especially if you think he has an addictive personality in other ways, too. Could you consider some couples therapy to see what is going on and hopefully re-connect? Maybe someone on the Relationships board would have some (more general) insight as well...?

Given the choice in terms of affordability and kids being OK would you leave?

francesthemute

I can feel your confusion, stress and unease pouring off the screen. And my heart goes out to you.

I'm not a trans widow, but I'm sure one of the marvellous women on here will give you the benefit of their experience at some point.

As someone from the outside looking in, it does appear as though there is a pattern to the behaviour which, if that is happening in your relationship, they will perhaps be able to see and advise you.

Again I'm really glad that tinsel started this thread. Not only does it help women in your position, it's so obviously genuine, so plausible and with a unique form of credibility, that others reading it suddenly wake up to the entire issue.

Hi @francesthemute. I'd like to be able to be reassuring but I'm afraid it sounds like you are exactly where I was 10 years ago, 5 years before I left, just before I found out that my ex had started cross dressing again and had been lying to me. Its quite possible the badly hidden clothing was him deliberately testing the water to see how you would take the prospect of being married to a practicing cross dresser.

My ex started off saying he was just a cross dresser, and maybe he genuinely thought he was at that point. The binge / purge cycle is very common to this type of man. Much more common I think than a genuine one off. I would say it's likely he has continued to cross dress in secret. Does he work away? Would he have the opportunity to do it?

My ex wasn't all that interested in sex either . I didn't really think too much about that at the time as I didn't have much to compare him to, but I've subsequently found out it is not the norm for most men!

Plus the social anxiety, the melancholy, the IT job, the emotionally absent Father all are very familiar.

The gambling is very similar to the issues other transwidows have experienced with debt and reckless spending. My ex had a sense of entitlement to "stuff". He'd buy things he thought he deserved even if he couldn't afford it.

Because of the lies about the escalation of my ex's behaviour, I lost all trust in him, and that is a terrible, anxious place to be in, in a relationship. I'd imagine the lies about the gambling probably had a similar effect on you.

You are certainly not mental, and I wish you all the luck in the world going forward. The one thing I can promise is that there is life on the other side of this, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time.

Maybe there are men who give this sort of thing up, but in the current environment, there is very little reason for them to do so.
x

Re the talk I am to give in August. It will be at a meeting organised by South West Feminists as part of the discussion of issues surrounding the implications for women of the proposed changes to the 2004 Gender Recognition Act. The organisers believe that many people, both men and women, in the mainstream know little, if anything, about autogynephile men and have asked me to talk a little about my own experience. This I am happy to do. It predates the present explosion of trans activism and, in this context, I think that is a good thing. However, there is some danger that, simply because many people have not encountered this before, they will think that it must be 'just me'. I would therefore welcome a few brief - and, on the night, anonymous - quotes that I could read from the platform. Thank you.

That's brave and helpful of you JuanaLaLoca. I hope you get a chance to give your talk without any obstacles getting in the way.

Just caught up.

Well done to Tinsel for the AMA, sorry I wasn't around to back you up. And to @JuanaLaLoca please feel free to use anything o have said.

@francesthemute I'm so sorry, like Tinsel, I fear you are just a few steps behind from where we are now.

I'm struggling at the mo with the tsunami of all of this, lurking on the prepper threads and dreaming of a remote Scottish island!

Hi Juana, I'm not sure if you realise but by posting on here you have pretty much outed yourself as your full name and background are given on the link for tickets to said event.

I don't know if this is of concern to you or not but just thought I'd mention it (I really fancy the event but already have tickets for a festival here in the north that weekend.......)

Hi there, thanks for the thought but I pretty much outed myself completely about eight months ago by opening my big mouth in public. At the time I genuinely didn't realise that I had said anything controversial. I actually thought I was stating the obvious. Boy, did I get a surprise! Since then I have also published a number of poems on this and related themes. I took a lot of online flak every single time. Thankfully, the editors in question were supportive. Lots of hits on their sites, I guess. :-) I don't have an employer so there is not much anyone can do to me except call me names and make threats. In my home town I am already known as one of the speakers at this event so I'm already Terfy McTerf Face. :-)

Thank you. I am really just looking for the odd phrase or sentence that will 'bite'. Otherwise, I will just be referring in a general way to the fact that there is evidence here that this is not as rare as some people would like to pretend.

Except the sexy time is himself dressing for arousal, and with the added frisson from the power of demanding everyone to comply with his whims. Getting away with it.

I have read the last couple of hundred comments of this thread and will work through it all - I want to as a way of honouring all you brave women who have had to put up with so much deception and betrayal. I need to take it slowly for me. The world needs to hear about your experiences. Thank you.

He is getting off on having women fight for his right to do this. As I said, it's about power.

This says it all. The behaviours I read about here are all so similar to those of abusive men and some with psychopathic traits. The emotional and psychological abuse and mind games - the lying and good dad/bad dad. Lundy Bancroft and a couple of others have written a book called "The Batterer as Parent" highlighting the loose sexual boundaries of many abusive men. Fuck them and all the heartache they cause. And what a head fuck for the children.

Bird

I am concerned about your safety. Men with psychopathic tendencies can cause women (and men) to commit suicide. They scapegoat someone and wear them down so that in the end, the target thinks they are the problem and can get so incapacitated that they can't leave - and worse start to believe the malicious projections.

This all goes away with distance from the abuser. Even if you just go away for a few weeks please get away from him asap. I say this as someone who knows what damage they can do.

I wonder if this is what peacetime has given us - a large cohort of men incapable of intimacy and respect and hence not fit for long-term intimate relationships. Their duplicity, cowardness, use and abuse of women needs exposing.

@womanformallyknownaswoman that's very kind, but please don't worry.

STBXH is as much deluded about his expertise in torture and manipulation, as he is his female inner. I have older sisters and went to an all girls school. Trust me, he's an amateur compared to those wonderful vipers.

I'll not be broken by that middle aged, fetish addled, entitled cretin; and nor will my kids.

Juana,

Kudos to your bravery.
I would mention that all of the historical surveys of transgender people, from The Erotic Desire to Crossdress written by Magnus Hirschfeld in the early 1900s to Ray Blanchard contemporarily, name AGP as the problem. We have 100 years of AGP documentation and 20 years of AGP denial. Meanwhile, feminists continue to find evidence (from trans widows to AGP's own writing) that AGP is the root.
I would then explain that many men practice AGP in the privacy of their own homes without transitioning. This is fine (as long as the wife agrees).
Men like my husband, who force others to submit to the their sexual fantasy through threats, harassment, and the legal system, are the problem.

Trans widows are fighting for the right to say "no" to their husband's sex game. It's that simple.

Hope you all have been well since I last posted. Stay strong.