Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

@moimichme I am not a trans widow but I have read a fair bit about trans issues; I have people in extended family and friends who are identifying as trans or questioning 'gender'; and generally like to hang out on mumsnet and chat to women who need a listening ear!

This article is something I read a long time ago and it really struck a cord about apparent the reinvention of the past. It's from 2014 and you may have read it before.

naefearty.wordpress.com/2014/07/22/gas-mark-six/

ItalianGreyhound, I met the blogger Naefaerty after she spoke at a feminist meeting I attended a couple of years ago. She was great fun and very outspoken in the hours many of us spent in the pub afterwards

@Prawnofthepatriarchy I'd love to hear her, if she is speaking again, please pm me. This is not something affects me personally but I hope it is not out of place to say I feel a huge affinity with all women who suffer in these kinds of abusive relationships.

Those of us who have 'good' relationships with male partners can be useful in reminding women who are in abusive relationships that what they experience is not acceptable!

Once out of the relationship, women know it is not OK, but like the frog in the boiling water they can be lulled into believing this may be normal.

Will do, @ItalianGreyhound.

Thanks a lot for that, Italian -- I think I have read it a while ago, but found it so true on a second read. How amazing to have met her in person, Prawn !

FWIW, I never thought our relationship was normal, and it always seemed like an awful lot of work...but I was endlessly willing to try and keep going, because my feelings for this (I thought) generous and intelligent and funny and interesting person were worth it, especially when dangling things I did want as possibilities once we moved past a particular hurdle. Thankfully we didn't have any kids together, which would have made it sooooo much harder!

Reading this thread was very strange for me, and I hope you don't mind me posting.

In my early 20s I was with someone who I think was in the early stages of all of this. He talked a lot about wanting to wear women's clothes and experimented with women's underwear, high heals and make up. None of this really bothered me as I was young and I felt like we were exploring our sexualities together. Sometimes he talked about wanting to be a woman, and I think if he was a teenager now he would probably end up medically transitioning (I don't think that would have actually helped him, as I think it was very much a sexual fetish).

He was very controlling and claimed to be depressed/suicidal at times. Our relationship was all one way- I was never allowed to ask for emotional support from him, it was always all about him and his needs. The one time I tried, when I really needed some support as I was worried about redundancies/restructuring being announced at work he just wasn't interested and made it all about him. He was also a drug addict and even his best friend admitted he was a dick when he drank.

We didn't live together, so every weekend I had to drive to his house to see him. After work I was expected to skype him from the moment I got in to the moment I went to bed. If I pushed back, I got the guilt trips etc. He would never admit to being abusive though and I think in everything will forever see himself as the victim. I should have left the relationship long before I did, but I was genuinely afraid he would kill himself and it would be "my fault".

I never linked these things with the cross dressing thing until reading this thread, but I wonder if they are linked. He did blame his "depression" on "wanting to be a woman" but at the time he would never make actual steps towards transition, just dressing at home. He was very into a certain sort of look for me- corsets and leggings and so on. I was expected to perform femininity at all times, but somehow also not spend lots of time on my hair and make up as this was very upsetting for him as he couldn't do this out of the house (he absolutely could have done, his friends were nearly all the liberal accepting types).

Anyway, in the end he saw a text between me and his friend which made him think I had told the friend about his cross-dressing (I hadn't, because obviously that would be a dick move). His response was to physically throw me out of his house, knowing we had both been drinking and so couldn't drive. He lived very rurally and it was winter. I effectively had nowhere to go and he put me at massive risk. Apparently, I supposed to beg him to let me back in, but I didn't- instead I walked into town and stayed with a mutual friend, arguably putting myself at risk walking down dark country roads in the middle of the night, but whatever. The same friend went and got my stuff from him, and I was lucky to be able to cut him out of my life and move on.

Reading this thread has made me see just how lucky I was and how my life could have gone differently! I just want to say that I do get it and I do understand, and if I can ever be practical help for anyone in this situation, I would be. I am listening and I see you and support you.

@moimichme There are parallels in many of the stories here. I wondered if my ex's issues stemmed from extreme sexual repression and the bullying he suffered throughout childhood - but who knows. It was a path he was determined to travel, and subsequently suffered the consequences.

I hope your ex has not suffered the same regret.

I view STBXHs transition, the fire and brimstone of it all, as being similar to any mid life, extreme, religious conversion.

Except it is the gospel according to Shania Twain (I saw that on a thread and it is perfect, hope the originator of the phrase doesn't mind).

And STBXH views me as a heretic to his new religion.

Sorry for hijacking just wanted to say how brave and strong you all are.

I must admit a few years back I felt 'sorry' for there people, feeling like they have been living a lie all their life - but when you start to treat those you claim to love with such contempt, you lose all right for sympathy.

I have a friend who to be fair since I knew them liked to dress in women's clothing(he was 12 when I met him, year below me in school).

I didn't think much of it at the time, because my social and sexual boundaries were way off, but he would ask to borrow my used underwear (), borrow lipstick and hair bands. I did feel for him and let him use my hairbands.

He started to fully dress as a woman at 19/20 and he entered into a relationship with a woman. She thought he just liked to do it to be kinky sometimes, but not as a lifestyle choice. She got pregnant and they got engaged, whereupon he told her he wanted to transition. They split for a while because she was so shocked and horrified, but they got back together for their sons sake.

I do worry how this will impact the son because they haven't transitioned, yet dress as a woman? I'm not bigoted - just fear the boy will be very confused. Hope you didn't mind me posting.

He does come along with other more extreme fetishes too (he isn't shy of expressing these). I hope all you amazing women stay strong. 💐

Notanother I think there will be a whole swathe of families and friends who have to deal with the emotional fallout of individuals going down the trans route.

I wonder how it equates to the experiences of families of people who were gay but married the opposite sex to meet with social approval then came out in later life. Thinking about it, it probably depends on what the driver to the trans route is: an innate feeling of being in the wrong body, a rejection/exploration of identity, or a sexual fetish (which I would say my ex was, and possibly your friend too if he was wanting used knickers).

Bird I often spoke of my ex as having an extreme mid life crisis and that was the reason we split up (because I was ashamed of the real reason). There's a fine line between religious fervour and joining a cult. There's nothing wrong in not joining a cult

My STBXH had absolutely no reason to lie to me for nearly 20 years, his family are very progressive and have a diverse range of sexualities.

I don't really equate what STBXH has done as similar to coming out as gay, after a time where it was impossible to do so.

I think he would like for us to imagine it as that, as that would absolve him of all responsibility for his choices.

But it isn't that. STBXH is AGP, and his transition is extremely rapid. The gender chat is a smokescreen, it acts as a cover for him to achieve orgasm by dressing as a woman.

It's more like the middle aged man who leaves his wife and kids because he will die without the sexy time with his Secretary.

Except the sexy time is himself dressing for arousal, and with the added frisson from the power of demanding everyone to comply with his whims. Getting away with it. He is getting off on having women fight for his right to do this. As I said, it's about power.

What bugs me with many of these men is they want to be women to be treated like a 'slut' which says to me:

1. They see women as inherently sluts, or at least they should be and
2. That they are undermining, downplaying and mocking the mistreatment of women.

In my view if you really couldn't have came out earlier and you feel like you have to you should leave your partner, be respectful of their space and not bring any children into it.

Oh and yes I very much think it's sexed based as they are on a kink site citing sissification as well as water sports as what they want to do.

It bothers me, because I doubt their fiancé knows they are posting to meet men and women within a certain distance.

But I honestly don't think it's fair and right for me to bring it up. I feel so much for that woman though.

@LadyLance I'm so sorry to hear your story.

@NotAnotherNoughtiesTune 'It bothers me, because I doubt their fiancé knows they are posting to meet men and women within a certain distance.

But I honestly don't think it's fair and right for me to bring it up. I feel so much for that woman though'

I'm generally a 'I'ive and let live', and 'don't meddle' sort of person.

I actually posted on another thread where the wifel was under going ivf, for a third person not to out the phhilandering husband!

But I think here I might be more willing to out the philandering fiance. Especially if you know the woman who he is cheating on.

You certainly don't owe this guy any loyalty, IMHO.

Bird My comparison was more to a generation ago, after it was no longer illegal but still uncommon and generally something people were not loud and proud of. And I agree, there is no acceptable reason to deceive your partner for so long or to try to control how the deceived partner disseminates the information when shared.

Not How important is maintaining your friendship? Having gone through the experience I have, I would rather know, but your friend should be the one to tell their wife and you could consider encouraging them to do so. Their wife can be the one to decide if it is something that she can live with.

It's the fifth anniversary of me leaving the marital home today, and by coincidence I've just started reading "Sex Changes" by trans widow Christine Benvenuto.

I'm only only the first few pages and already it feels like she's telling my story. I wish I'd known about this book sooner.

I'll buy it, thanks for the tip. X

My STBXH has been on a massive character assassination of me of late, usual stuff, he's the beautiful fragile victim, I'm the evil abuser. I've worked out that what I do/say does not relate to how he reacts to what I say/do. He reacts in a manner to suit what he is trying to achieve.

This time, he's up to some fairly standard divorce type financial skulduggery, but aha! That's allowed if I'm evil, oppressive.

That and the public FB posts, thanking his friends/fans for helping him through this difficult time. As in difficult time in revealing a 20 year deceit and leaving his wife and kids....but so much love for the poor hero.

But not the most offensive/inconsiderate thing he's posted on the internet, by a country mile!

And congratulations on 5 years away! Brilliant, can you imagine how grim it would be if you were still in? X

birdbandit Stay strong! X

I thought about doing an "I'm a Trans Widow, ask me anything" thread, but then decided I don't really want to invite people to ask me anything!

tinselangel if you were brave enough to do it - perhaps with two or three others from this thread so that none of you feel too exposed and could take it in turns, if it felt too much (the "we are", rather than "I am" - it would be a hugely powerful thing to do.... in enabling others to really understand the heartbreak for wives and children and more about the motivation.... and to see the other side of the picture to the one that is celebrated so publicly

Like so many others I have read this thread with enormous sadness and compassion - not wanting to add my voice but knowing that I (like so many others) could have found myself in your situation

It would be an enormous thing to do - and no one can expect you to....but if any time you or others decide you would be able to do it, it would be deeply valuable, especially during the current consultation

And although anyone can ask you anything, you could only answer those things you feel you can and everyone would understand if there are some things you can't....

sending you

Yes. You're right.

I'm a Trans Widow, ask me anything.www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3307264-i-m-a-trans-widow-ask-me-anything

I'm happy for the other Trans Widows to join in.

Congratulations - you are a brave and magnificent woman tinselangel

and a stiff if that is your tipple... I imagine it is very challenging starting this thread so I hope you will look after yourself and take time out to nurture yourself as needed... good luck and thank you

Hopefully a clicky link for those that would find it helpful - never quite sure these things work until I press the button

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3307264-i-m-a-trans-widow-ask-me-anything