Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

I have mentally done a handover to his family.

I know he has had an overnight female visitor, thankfully not while the kids were there. Outing myself here, but the folk I know in RL also know my MN name, so no matter. I found out about the visitor because she told the cleaner who also works for me, that the sheets needed changed. Classy chic! Apparently though, I'm mental, so it the cleaner, the visitor is just an old friend (I have never met or heard mention of in our 20 year relationship) and he just needs support right now etc.

So over it. Onwards and upwards.

@Farinthepast

Also ditto to the online coaching, the script.

I fully expect there will be regret from him. His veneer of happy is paper thin, and seems to entirely depend on everyone agreeing with everything the days and does.

Which people do, because they are kind. But it is effectively care in the community rather than genuine agreement with deeds and words.

Also ditto to STBXH giving less than a rats arse about my mental health. Aside from using an act of caring about me and the kids (words again, not actions, and only for the correct audience) to further his fluttery eyelash "I'm just a misunderstood victim act". In his narrative I'm the evil one who made him so depressed.

STBXH needs drama, he needs for me to react, and I'm not going to give him the fuel to fire his ego anymore.

@birdbandit You are so well out of it. If you are like I was, I knew if I stayed he would pull me into a place I would never recover from. Stay strong for yourself and your children, but he is not the man you fell in love with. It will feel like watching car crash tv though

I wish you strength

I came across this today. I'm not sure if it's been posted before:
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2012/nov/02/my-husbands-sex-change

@TinselAngel very good article.

@EmilyHowardsWife

How are you doing?

A while ago you said "TLC have a new series which explores the explosion of a man coming out to their partner as trans. Interesting viewing if anyone has the stomach (but it might be too much for some of us to watch). I have linked below if anyone is interested:..."

I'be watched clips, I'd like to watch episode 2. But can't seem to find it fit free.

I do know one of the families featured has a daughter who is presenting as a trans man. The mum wants to be supportive but gets the pronouns wrong. I'vs just interested to see what happens to all the families.

Just sending best wishes to all you amazing women.

@TinselAngel that article is completely spot on.

The creepy copying, the aggression and bullying when you don't comply, the thrill the man was getting from forcing her to accept this. The online chorus, the creeping into female friendships.

She really could be me.

I think my husband wants to replace me.

He hates me for remember who he was, what he says, and he is really, really angry at not being able to control me. I think he wants me to kill myself. I know that sounds dramatic, but this constant drip drip from him is designed to crush me.

His latest is to complain that I have told people, that I am slagging him off. We agreed to tell people, couldn't very well not after he told the kids, and they then told their friends. I still have the notes we made, a script of what to say.

But no, I'm again the evil one for doing this to him. I spend too much of my time thinking about this. He wants people to understand that he is the beautiful special victim, and I'm torturing him.

Well I went to an all girls school, and that fool is a rank amateur compared to those teenage girls. I'm not going anywhere.

@birdbandit can you limit the time you spend with him/talking to him/thinking about him?

Can you take up a new hobby, even on line, to focus your mind away from him?

The sooner you can disentangle yourself the better, bitdbandit.

He has no right to tell you not to talk to people about it. You are affected too, this is your life too. You deserve to live in the open, not forced to be in the shadows caused by his secret.

Bird - I agree you need to stop engaging with him. Keep all communication solely about practical stuff to do with the kids, and in writing.

When I split up with my ex, I used to look at his twitter and get really upset over the things he said about me (eg he always knew he never should have married me), in the end I had to stop looking and it made me feel much better.

@TinselAngel if a friend's husband said "he always knew he never should have married me" I'd probably think of that as a line, not necessarily real. I would imagine it is terrible to hear but I might think that is the line that makes him come off best!

It looks like he made a mistake once ages ago rather than causing on going issues. If that makes sense.

Yes I think you're right @Italiangreyhound ,one fatal mistake sounds better for him than 5 happy years, and then a change of heart and umpteen lies and betrayals.

@TinselAngel I think the reason I said that was (because I believe it) but also because what he is doing now is very hurtful.

It casts aspersions on your life together. But he may well have been totally genuine then and loving and you should preserve those memories for how they were and not second guess yourself, or him. IMHO.

Posted in wrong thread, apologies have asked to remove.

Eh? @ElliePhantW33

Troll Tinsel. Ignore

Banned now.

@Farinthepast I found your description of your relationship very interesting as some of the elements are similar, but in a different order. We had the 'I want to have wild sex with lots of people' first (we were long-distance at the time, so I said go ahead, whatever, just be careful...because I loved him so much and I wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn't with only me...my self-esteem had crumbled in the first few years of our relationship). But then when it got to a point that his desire for other women and men was making me very insecure and unhappy, that's when his focus shifted to transition. Was that a 'compromise' in his mind or was that what he'd wanted all along?

The memory thing is also a puzzle to me. My ex had a terrible memory and would forget even important events in his life if I wasn't there to remind him. And it was a self-absorbed, revisionist history that he could recall, one in which he was always the hero. He would re-cast entire months and years as having different underlying emotions or motivations than they had in real life. I don't know if this makes any sense, but the re-writing of memory seemed to happen even before the idea of transition...maybe it's how they can make sense of it later?

And I also really hope that the happiness lasts and there is no regret later in life with how far the transition went. She (nowadays) has had a tendency to get very interested in something temporarily and then get bored and move on. I sincerely hope that this life-altering decision isn't one of those things!

I'm not a trans widow but a boy I'd known since he was about 5 transitioned after a marriage and 3 children. His parents were very upset by how much harm his selfishness caused the rest of the family and rallied to the side of their DIL.

This thread and other online resources have taught me a lot. I can imagine how his wife was harmed, though I already knew sexual humiliation played a part. Ironically, having caused so much pain, even post transition this person is isolated and unhappy; hasn't had a relationship in the 10 years since. They don't pass, which can't help.

But good did come of this. His ex married again and my childhood friend, after a couple of years being a crap dad, eventually stepped up, started paying CMS and spending lots of time with the kids. The family has had a lot of support from wider family, which helps.