Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

To give the school some advice on how to handle the current craze, please go to Transgendertrend.com and look at their Resource Pack for schools. This is a detailed but very clear explanation of the legislation in this area.
It should give the school "backbone" to keep discussion about gender non-conforming children in proportion and within the law, and not allow those with serious confusion to become a magnet for ignorant "hero-worship".

@Scientistranswidow excellent post.

@socialworker222 I am so sorry. I think it must be massively hard. It may in time get easier, I do think this level of adulation of 'trans' things cannot last and once they are older your children may be able to talk to peers more. I think protecting themselves now, even if it means keeping quiet, is probably better than being forced to 'defend' themselves in the reality of their situation, but as I say I am not a trans widow and do not know what is best. I hope maybe somewhere there will in future be friends or relatives they can speak to who can be helpful.

My kids have an older cousin who, despite being a teenage boy and a bit crazy at times, is very wise for his years.

@socialworker222 I hope neither of my posts were not offensive in any way. Keeping quiet is not a good long term strategy for mental health, I feel, but short time it gives a breathing space to allow anyone to process things. But at home they can explode, rage, say what they like.

I've told close friends but don't tell other people as it's none of their business.

My DD has not told her school friends. I've suggested she tell her best friends but she doesn't feel she wants to and it's her choice.

I think it will come out at school eventually and despite current thinking she will probably be bullied about it. I hate that I can't control this so I'm doing the best I can to give her the skills to deal with it when it happens. (Including martial arts classes!)

The school are aware of the situation so they can take action if/when appropriate.

Thanks for your wonderful supportive messages and tone.
One of my aims, along with 1) keeping our home, 2) getting a decent job, 3) keeping routine, stability, consistency and 4) making sure we HAVE FUN as a new family, was to let my kids have as much control as possible. As soon as I found out he had not in fact 'waited a year' as he promised, but had dressed as a woman, had stuff out on show at his flat, possibly (I suspect through social media) had sex toys/porn which my daughter (as a confirmed 'snooper' may have found), and gave them no warning or discussion about it, I told them they did not have to have contact with him. I've always said they can change their minds at any point and see him with my support. But giving them control (ie not telling people, NOT seeing any sort of counsellor despite my encouragement and the endless finger-wagging of friends who said they MUST talk about it all to someone) seems to be a good way forward. Letting them know they can be supported to make a choice about these fathers, and change their mind, and not have the same decision as their sibling/s... it's something empowering for them.
I also make myself available (too much, they wearily say, rolling their eyes). They don't want to talk, apart from the odd terrible outburst ('how could he do it? did he ever love us? did he even want us in the first place?', 'how long did he know?' - impossible to answer as he was so shifty/inconsistent in his replies, so any answer he gives would be untrustworthy) and I let them not talk. That's tough for Mums but I just try to be a rock for them.
My life three years on is much better than it may sound. I am full of anger and rage (probably my biggest problem) which may mask grief/sadness.
And you don't half get a closer bond with your kids.
I find this sort of thing massively helpful, as well as reading general Mumsnet stuff about single mums and how COMPLETELY FABULOUS we are!

@socialworker222 you are doing a wonderful job. I believe you are so right, empowering them. They do not have to talk about it and share it, they can if they want but they do not have to.

You are totally right and wise.

I hope the anger becomes manageable for you. Grief an sadness and anger are all valid emotions and maybe all need handling a bit differently. I wonder if it is a kind of bereavement and there is no 'right' way to grieve so you can make up your own rules as to how you handle things and so can they. And you mention FUN, so vital.

We are not in the same situation at all but with a child with autism and a child who was adopted we need need fun as much as anything and we look as a family (or rather I seek out) ways to connect all the time. It is not the same thing, I know, but I have found sometime things from one place are transferable. We make ice lollies, and grow tomatoes and take trips out and try always to find fun in things because it makes other stuff better.

I must get to work, all the best to you and I will read up more later.

Thanks. And yes finding fun stuff to do together reminds you life can be good even intermittently, without the absent parent. TinselAngel you are right... prepare them for possible consequences then let them set the pace. My daughter said she would tell people it wasn't her choice he did it... again important people take the focus off the child and are reminded where the decision sits.

A quick and sad hello to all the new Trans Widows who have posted lately If nothing else, know that there are people who hear you and notice your pain. For me, living in the closet, that thought is very comforting.

TLC have a new series which explores the explosion of a man coming out to their partner as trans. Interesting viewing if anyone has the stomach (but it might be too much for some of us to watch). I have linked below if anyone is interested:

Thanks so much for alerting us to this. How amazing to find media time devoted to this forgotten group. I will brace myself and watch it, probably with a stiff drink. Good luck to you all and take care.

I can't decide whether to watch it. If she's stoically putting up with it, it'll annoy me.

There are a few couples. One pregnant wife putting up with it stoically and being her partner's emotional support (even though she is pregnant).

One woman who seems to be bewildered and, in my opinion, gaslighted by her partner. She seems to be doing all that is humanly possible to keep her family together.
The most interesting couple is the woman who cannot get her head around any of it and screams at the injustice of it all. She is the woman who isn't pregnant, nor does she have dependent children, so is much more able financially and emotionally to leave.
If you can and are in the right place emotionally, it shows a wide range of how women try and cope with it, from the compliant cheer leading, to the "head in the sand" and onto the outright anger of being mislead and lied to.

I'll get myself a stiff drink and watch it tonight.

Thanks for the link.

First reaction was, very fluffy. All a bit staged.

I was appalled that the TV folk had the poor, pregnant woman go to a bar to "prep" his colleagues for Leslie to arrive dressed, who would think that was a good way of telling folk? Although I can believe that Leslie would let her do this, my coward STBXH had me meet his best friend to tell him, because I had to be the supporting one. Cowardly and selfish.

The lawyer, I'm conflicted. The lawyer does appear to be very distressed, but also using the language of manipulation I experienced, eerily the same phrase about "being old women together". Perhaps the divorce lawyer and my STBXH are on the same forums.

I recognised Troy being so inwardly focussed, when talking about their female name, that they didn't recognise that their partner was clearly talking as if to a toddler holding a permanent marker, and that she was clearly distressed. Also recognised the anger below the veneer and Troy's unhappiness that she had a friend who would support her.

Saying that, I imagine anyone out of the situation would view that as "isn't it all a bit hard, but good on the good wives who can adjust" and view the older woman, partner of Troy, as not performing woman correctly.

Agreed that it feels lightweight, but it is TLC, so it does have their style.
Interesting how other people who aren't aware of living with the reality of Trans might view this. Do you think Troy's partner is being set up to be the "bad harsh" woman.

Living with AGP I can see how the Trans people are manipulating all those around them.
I see the same script of trapping a partner and suicide threats. Then turning the emotional heat up until the non Trans person's only role is cater totally to their partners needs.
I wonder if non Trans widows can see the underlying psychology and emotional abuse. It seems so clear to me.

I really hope the pregnant woman isn't left dealing with her pregnancy while dealing with any dysphoria her pregnant body might bring out in her partner. I know my partner was very jealous of my pregnancies, as a reminder of what real women are capable of and the attention that I got from being pregnant.

I think folk outside will view this differently, but that's not unique to gender dysphoria. How often do men abuse women or even kill women/their children, only to have folk describe them in glowing terms.

I think the older woman, having previously been in an abusive relationship, is more tuned in to the signs, but that she will be seen as the aggressor rather than the victim of fraud. She's not using the language of bigotry, but she will be seen as bigoted, old fashioned, rather than entitled to her own sexuality and values. How dare she.

I'm watching it.

That young girl has a lovely voice.

I think the lawyer is deluding herself.

The older blond woman should really go off and find someone who can love her and love himself.

It just feels like she is toying with it because she feels she has no choice. But I think she has a choice.

My eyes are tearing up after watching the first bit of that video. The doting wife trying to accept the stuff Les(lie) was saying struck a nerve...I don't want to see any more.

I've not posted on here since I'm not really a trans widow, but years ago I had a serious relationship with someone (male) who now has transitioned. An up and down relationship, with rather frequent episodes of gaslighting followed by long discussions in which I/we came to our senses a bit...but thankfully it all ended before the AGP fully came to the fore, and we never got married or had kids. It was a tough breakup at the time, but now I think I dodged a bullet!

You are all so strong. It's absolutely shocking that people think these selfish individuals should be celebrated -- why is it so hard to see through it?

For what it's worth, they thought they might have Asperger's (not confirmed, to my knowledge) and worked in IT.

You are all amazing!

Les's pub debut on film is so unfair. How could he put his friends in the spotlight like that. It seems very unfair.

Les(lie) - brilliant.
The pub scene if you listen to the background noise there is sniggering and giggling from, I think, the other men. The friend's wife looked very nervous and kept looking at her husband's reaction. So we basically had 2 women who were trying to manage their husbands emotional well being and reactions, while all the men (including the bar customers) felt free to say and react as they liked. Although the friend did keep his real shocked reaction in because he knows he would look like a hill billy bigot if he didn't.

Troy was a bit uncomfortable for me because he has the same arrogance I'm used to seeing. Also, I didn't see him upset at all, I saw simmering anger that his wife was not playing to the script of the doting wife and playing along. He knows the language of being upset/hurt to use to manipulate, but his body language and tone was pure malice to me

I didn’t watch the programme but wanted to respond to Emily’s question about non trans widows seeing the abuse. Yes, I can definitely see it. I can see in all of these men who decide they are women an inherent nastiness which they have decided to unleash. The desperate need to control their wives and partners, policing language and making their wives feel like shit because of their rank jealousy of the wife’s femaleness.

I think people who aren’t trans widows do see abusive men for what they are, no matter if they’re trans or the sort of man who’s the life and soul of the party while his wife moves stiffly and tries to hide the bruises. It’s the same in some ways I think, some women are doing the equivalent of hiding the bruises when they profess how accepting they are of this new “woman” instead of their husband. I don’t believe anyone comes through that unscathed and accepting, it must be devastating. I hope that isn’t out of turn, I don’t think any of you wonderful, strong women are doing this. It’s the ones you see on TV. Cool wives.

Some amazing women sharing stories on this thread

It's fascinating (and infuriating). I'm particularly struck by the guy whose wife very assertively challenges him with what he said ('I'm going to do this no matter what). At that point he says 'I'm sick of what I want or who I am pissing people off'... it's so passive-aggressive, me, me, me, teenage. He's unable to understand that he can't have what he wants without challenge.My ex did exactly that - made ME make the decision instead of taking responsibility for the decision. This guy is doing the same - putting her in an impossible situation where SHE has to be the one who breaks up the family. It's the exact opposite of 'brave', isn't it? I hope she stays strong. It's a shame there is only one woman who doesn't go along with it - I think they are hidden (here on the internet). But as you all rightly note, the others are in more vulnerable positions. It's all such self-obsessed entitlement on the men's parts.

My current situation is that I am the gatekeeper of my partner's Trans identity. In his last crossdressing binge it got very bad both physically (sexual) and emotionally. He did get lost in the fantasy of being a highly sexual young girl.
I got to the stage where I started to make plans to separate and began to separate emotionally from him. As soon as I became more cold and think of myself as an individual he pulled the rug underneath me and declared he wasn't Trans at all. He denied his homo erotic fantasies which I've heard in lurid detail and has banned any talk about Trans related stuff. In fact outright denies any such thoughts about not being a natal male.
Upside - life had become more stable and he is more emotionally stable and not so volitile. Life is more predictable and he has become a workaholic, so I'm left to myself.
Downside - a sterile life with no sex, no emotional support, no real love or life. I've been dropped and am now living in a house where I'm just a housekeeper. I really miss having sex but also sex now means the unacceptable situation of having sex with a faux woman. So now nobsex or unsatisfactory unerotic sex forever for me.

Why does it have to be forever, @EmilyHowardsWife ? You don't have to put up with this shit.