Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

Thank you birdbandit. Truly.

It's a real feat TinselAngel. I am amazed and pleased and impressed, all at once, that women are obviously googling 'something' and ending up here.

What Datun said.

Hi everyone. My 20 year relationship began with ex clinging to my skirt in a disco begging me not to leave him to go home and ended 20 years later with him on his knees clinging to my ankles begging me not to leave the marriage. Hence my namechange "clinger". Sex happened about 6 times in 20 years (he had to be drunk) No snogging, no cuddling, but outdoors walking arm in arm like a normal couple. Excuses for no sex were: didn't feel right before we wed; then didn't feel right after we wed due to house sharing and people in the next room; we managed to have one child but didn't feel right whilst pregnant; didn't feel right once ds was born because ex couldn't bear the thought that baby had come out of my vagina; he'd gone off me because I'd put on weight. P Eventually I realised he was never going to want sex, went downstairs and sobbed my heart out, expecting him to come down but he didn't. So I started sleeping downstairs, then the reason for no sex was; I never came to bed! I had depression for years, two nervous breakdowns and weight went up to 18 stone. I had cpn's (psychiatric nurses) and medication but felt too ashamed toever tell anyone. Lost close friends because he felt "uncomfortable" with them. When I confronted him, accusing him of secretly being gay or having affairs he used to cry and once held a knife to his chest, put my hand on it telling me to just kill him. I often suggested he went to the gp to request help but of course, it was "all my fault, he didn't fancy me and I needed to take a good luck at myself. These rows often ended with him hitting me but still I never told. During the last two years I found a brilliant therapy group (nhs) and found the strength not only to leave, but to admit to the beatings and no sex/kissing/cuddling, etc. The group (and cpn) couldn't believe I'd kept it all quiet for so long. The reason for putting up with it seems to be that I'd had a neglectful, miserable childhood so didn't expect any better in marriage, continuing the cycle. Once I realised I could leave and told him, I said "now's the time to come clean, tell me what's going on?" I was expecting "gay" or "long standing affair". Couldn't believe my ears when he said he did sometimes think of me when he touched/smelt my clothes! I naively, stupidly thought he meant that he fancied me! Duh, he explained he'd been wearing my clothes when I was out which turned him on! He asked me to forgive him, stay with him and accept this. My answer (which I'd never managed to say before therapy) was "Fuck off". How on earth did he manage to keep this quiet for 20 years?! The good news is that I lost all the weight, got fit and healthy in mind, body and soul and made new friends. Went on dates, met a lovely man (now married for over 20 years) and had two more children. Ex was not in IT (wasn't around in those days) at the beginning of marriage, but was very intelligent with a quite skilled job, which then progressed to IT. His mother had put him in dresses until 3 years of age and was controlling (but in a subtle way). She didn't want him to get married because she thought he should stay at home and pay for her (she was a widow) She admitted that she'd never snogged her husband, hated sex (said in front of ex) and was quite aloof. Ex re married and strangely (not being bitchy here at all) but new wife looks like a man (but isn't) and over 6 foot tall. Don't know if this is relevant or about his mother? Thank you so much for this thread. First time I've told this story except to dh and the therapy group. Cathartic, thanks again.

Bloody hell @clinger, I'm glad you got out and I'm glad you know that the situation wasn't your "fault".

clinger.

Thank you so much for your support.
We are currently making plans for him to leave the family home. Children due home from Uni, please help and advise how to handle this situation?
I don't want to ruin their summer. But, say, we can no longer live together. We are making each other so unhappy.
It has taken me two years of heartache to pluck up the courage to separate...I loved the man he used to be!!
This thread is helping enormously as have exhausted the counselling route and trying to compromise?. Transwidows are giving me strength to move forward in my life.
The anxiety of the relationship is making me ill.

@StartAgainat60 , your children are adults, and in any event the situation is not your fault. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but they'll have to deal with worse things in life than a spoiled summer. Tell them the truth. It's not your job to shield their Dad any more.

After the initial period of grief you will feel better after the split when you are back in control of your own life again and not being dragged along drowning in somebody else's wake.

It took both Counselling and anti depressants to get through my break up, and support from brilliant friends and family. Don't be afraid to tell the people who care about you.

Have a think- do you actually want to stay in the family home or would a new start feel better? If you sold up could you have your own lovely bachelor flat? Would that feel better than a place full of shitty memories?

Good luck and good hunting x

@clinger - thanks for sharing- all this has been going on for years hasn't it, in various guises? You have to wonder what his current wife has to put up with. (Not that that's your problem).

So many women who are genuinely strong and brave. I am in awe of you all.

That's a brave tale of escape.
Startagain.... We sat the children down (12 & 14) and I told them we were divorcing, but it was 'nothing to do with either of you, and nothing to do with me. It is something Dad is doing' (hence making sure responsibility was clearly put in the right place). I then made him tell them why ('I think I want to be a woman').
Downside - they had too much information at once - many friends said we should initially say we were splitting, THEN later he could tell them why. We agreed (one of the few things) that this would leave them wondering what the reason was/filling in gaps etc. and was fundamentally dishonest. So we told them both things at once.
I suspect they didn't entirely 'hear' Part 2, but it felt the right thing to do.
I'd be clear that part of this is you (wanting to end the relationship) but primarily his responsibility. I emphasized no'one else had done anything wrong/caused it.
You then leave it entirely to him to sort out how he deals with transition and relationship with his children. I was not prepared to do this for him (he expected me to, as with most things), and hence he screwed it up royally and apparently lost his children.... not my problem.
Make sure you don't get drawn into having to explain the transition to them - that's entirely his mess.
Good luck. Stay strong. I am elated that we have this thread going. I've spent 3 years Googling US sites/blogs, but this is amazing . Thanks everyone.

Also ex-student of law! In January 2016 I reported my now ex-., an AGP, to the police for an offence under s76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 "Controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate relationship or marriage". He had taunted (gaslighted) me with increasing viciousness for 10 years leading up to his sudden departure in 2006 (when he also took all our joint savings!). The Metropolitan Police send a young male officer who interviewed me and went over my statement for 2 hours with me, until I was satisfied. He was very sympathetic and careful. He said that the fact that I needed psychotherapy sessions with a paid professional afterwards was the key factor to transform this into potentially criminal behaviour. Unfortunately for me (fortunately for my ex!) the psychopathic behaviour occurred before the 2015 Act came into force.
But I am writing this to remind other transwidows who are still enduring soul-sapping manipulation that there is now an offence with which to charge them.
Let's remember this and get a few criminal convictions, please.

Thank you. Getting ready to put the house on the market and fortunately hope we have enough money to purchase a decent home for me and a (shoebox) for him.
I have in the last six months spoken to a couple of members of the family. They are questioning why I am still with him. They are def pushing for me to take care of myself and the children.
I don't know why I stayed.
Wanted to hold on the man who still leaves the house in the morning in t-shirt and cargo trousers. (Silky knickers hidden from view).
The man who built our extension and mows the lawn.
The man who is happy to cook a nice meal for us both at the weekends.
The man who gives me a back massage when I need comfort.
Where has he gone?.
Replaced by a stranger who likes to bring me a cup of tea in the morning wearing a new skirt/tunic top and skinny jeans.
It's also the female mannerisms he takes on - the way he sits on the sofa and tries to act all coy. (I shout and say MAN UP) No chance!

It feels like he has been overtaken by an alien within him.
Moving forward/Can't look back. Cannot bring myself to even contemplate ever telling friends the real reason for us splitting up.
Thank you Mumsnet for being there.

This thread is so powerful.
Thank you to all you brave women sharing your stories. Keep posting if it helps. Startagainat60 - wishing you all the best for the future. Do remember, you are under no obligation to keep his secrets IF it means you lose support. Socialworker222 has it nailed. This is his choice and he needs to take responsibility for it - not you.
for you all.

Aren't your friends going to notice his transition though, Start? I'd get in with your closest friends first and they can help you manage the fallout.

Assume they may/will eventually find out, but currently he is not on hormones but considering hormones is enough for me to move on.
Hoping by the time he presents more female he will be long gone and moves well out of the area.
Outer Hebrides not far enough for me....
Just how do you drop it into the conversation over a coffee morning that By the way,, He at home now wants to be called a She?!
Thanks TinselAngel and more xx

Sorry pressed Post...as I simply could not say it out loud. Now I recall some funny suggestions and friends always assuming he was gay, saying 'sort of like that but as extreme as you can imagine',then their faces registering. Nearly all were hugely supportive,thought him an idiot etc. The couple who wanted to not take sides eventually became intolerable to be around (having a trans friend when you're a leftie is quite 'in'). But really you can't lose by telling people. They can then support you.
By the way my ex was in I.T.... I am astounded by the prevalence of that with these men.
We need to be heard where possible. I for one am heartily seek of the daytime tv sofa happy endings.

So sorry my Post went wrong.
I was saying I couldnt tell anyone at first. Felt ashamed,foolish,in despair. So I fou d I had to say we were splitting up then ask friends to guess why...(previous post starts)

He wants you to call him "she", Start ? The father of your children? Fuck that.

@StartAgainat60

"to bring me a cup of tea in the morning wearing a new skirt/tunic top and skinny jeans.
It's also the female mannerisms he takes on"

This was the same for me. It was so weird to have my SRBXH effecting a different personality/mannerisms, and I was supposed to just accept that the personality he had for the previous 20 years was a disguise. Trust me, my STBXH isn't M15 material, nor a master of disguise. But that narrative does depict him as the terribly clever victim and hero.

Also the friends, I know people too who appear to view him as a badge of honour, a demonstration of their woke credentials, it makes them appear more interesting, to have an interesting friend. But again, it is more a theoretical thing rather than practical, he wants to stay in his own bubble, he is only interested in himself and his behaviour is a bit of an uncanny valley version of a woman.

I an not a trans widow but I read this thread to post my solidarity with you wonderful ladies.

I really imagine that support is important so I personally think telling helpful, trust worthy friends is a good idea.

If any of my comments here are not helpful, please ignore.

I'be just been reflecting on my own head in terms of telling or not telling friends

I wonder if I could ask those who have been through this how relevant the ages of the children are when tellng friends?

I do have a few friends unconnected to my kids. Then a few friends who have children in my son's year 3 class. Most friends are connected to my child's year 8 class.

We have trans 'issues' in wider family and friends, not my husband, pretty much all females.

I've chosen who I talk to carefully, and not included the mums or dads whose year 3 or 8 kids have anything to do with my kids.

I don't want my children having to answer questions about this at school but if it was their choice to talk about it, then fine

My son is adopted and this is private info kept from most new friends (those who knew us when he came know, of course) so I am clear this info is private for his sake (because 7 year olds like to fit on!). I do tell people it is private since the day I heard a friend telling her friends in my earshot that my son is adopted.

However, when he told his best friends I said fine, his choice.

Yes, I know it is very different. But adoption can throw up questions and judgments.

I am not sure that there is a right way to deal with personal info, it is all down to the person or persons it affects.

But I think it is worth thinking how you tell and whether you expect people to keep this confidential or not, and be clear.

I can sort of try to imagine if this had happened to me when DD was pre school I might have told anyone. Now she is at secondary school, I would be careful with people who had a connection to Dd's school and especially parents of her friends.

If I did not have kids I'd probably tell close friends automatically.

But I also think, much as anyone is angry with their husband I'd let him tell who he wants and not feel the need to broadcast it.

Some will disagree!

This is not because I think there is any shame for wives at all, but because I think the husband should go at his pace and although I think it would be foolish to imagine he will dessist I think everyone knowing might accelerate things in a bad way.

I really hope you don't mind me saying that.

Trans widows may no longer care if the husband accelerates but for kids (if kids are involved) it might be better if he goes really slowly, so they adjust to the divorce and then are faced with the full reality, IMHO.

Those who are supportive about a person getting divorced might be the most supportive when they find out the real reasons. So I know people will avoid like the plague anyone trying to get you back together!

As I say, I really imagine that support is important so I personally think telling helpful, trust worthy friends is a good idea.

I have every sympathy with transwidows of AGP men who have described their experiences very movingly on this thread and on the "transwidows and autogynephilia" thread. I was gaslighted for 10 years and I do remember! He continued the taunting after he left in 2006, through the divorce which was finalised in 2014 - he had enormous fun telling massive lies and manipulating the issues! And even now, as he/she tries to "engage" with his young adult children occasionally by e-mail, I am still intervening to keep the focus on truth, not his manipulation and his fiction. I am the buffer between insanity (the AGP "father") and the children's world of first jobs - of which we tell him nothing. He has been nothing but a force for confusion and destruction. Distancing ourselves has worked out for us.
It is now 12 years since he made his dramatic announcement "It's true. I'm a transsexual". I now want to try to redress the balance of power a bit. Yes, he took all our joint savings, but I want the truth of his culpability known: he knew that he had gender dysphoria, a severe mental health disorder, before he married me - he said as much to the presenting psychiatrist in a report which I discovered. He is therefore morally a fraudster. It has, of course, been extremely distressing to witness the ignorant adulation of the media for these mentally ill people. There are fortunately now a variety of other websites: google "gender critical" to find them.
I would flag up, please, a Parliamentary petition asking the Gov to consult with women (!) about proposed changes to enshrine "gender identity" and gender "self-ID" in law. The link is here: petition.parliament.uk/petitions/214118. Please DO SIGN and pass on to other women and sympathetic men. Thank you!

Regarding children, mine have been terribly isolated as they don't feel able to tell many peers about their father. The reason is not their own shame/embarrassment (although they feel that too of course), but because they fear being accused by fellow teenagers of being transphobic if they don't see their 'trans' father. This has left them isolated when peers are talking (usually positively) about transitioning and during school events/talks (their very right-on school has various LGBT events which they have found difficult; I have contacted the school and flagged up they may need to be excused from things that are tricky).
This is really sad as they could have done with peer support, instead of which they have a mysterious story, and are sometimes questioned by friends about why they don't see their Dad (most do, even after divorce).
It is very isolating. My 15 year-old says it is infuriating for her to be part of peer conversations about heroism and victimhood; she wants to burst and shout 'You have no idea what it's like!' etc.

Social My children finished school before the "craze" really started. I do sympathise with yours. Their only practical response is to say nothing unless and until the pendulum starts to swing back. There will come a time when (readers of this MN thread, the Daily Mail, and the Mirror) get a chance to question the mental health of those who advocate cutting off perfectly healthy organs and taking drugs (hormones) for life - their own and others! This is NOT a "life style" choice, as some would have it!

socialworker222

The reason is not their own shame/embarrassment (although they feel that too of course), but because they fear being accused by fellow teenagers of being transphobic if they don't see their 'trans' father.

Like others, this is part of the ideology that infuriates me. The manipulation behind forcing people into bottleneck of compliance, is so abusive. The fact that it mostly affects women and children really highlights the reason why feminists are on this in such a big way.

If it's any consolation, I genuinely believe that this wholesale 'but that's transphobic' strategy is backfiring. When you couple it with #nodebate, you don't have to be a feminist for your ears to prick up and your curiosity to be piqued.

And as soon as that, rather mild, reaction happens, and there is no going back. The snowball to 'peak trans' (to use a strange, but appropriately impossible gravitational analogy) swiftly follows, with every extra, over-the-top reaction you get to mild enquiry.

The word transphobic is fast becoming synonymous with dodgy credibility and suspicions of mass manipulation.

to you and your children.

Oh God social, your poor children are victims over and over in this awful ideology. I have no useful advice to give and I am genuinely horrified for you all. for all of you