Trans Widows escape committee

[TinselAngel]

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

help obviously.

Bird my also divorced friend and I, have a mantra "It might be bad but just imagine how much worse it would be if we had stayed with them" 😱

I've also felt like a complete idiot for marrying and reproducing with my ex because with hindsight his path to transition seems so obvious. But we shouldn't feel like that. They practice lying about all this from an early age and become very adept at it. Maybe they genuinely struggle with it too and go through phases of fooling themselves and trying desperately to live "normal" lives.

My current partner is of the opinion that my ex always knew where he would end up, and targeted me because he thought I was the sort of person who would go along with it. (He was wrong!) I'm not sure this is true myself, but I can't discount it.

At least you haven't got to worry about keeping his secrets any more.

I have never had anyone say I should have stayed with my ex once they knew the truth as to why we had split up. Despite the TRA propaganda most people don't respect men who lie to, and abandon their families.

I'm glad your kids now know the truth. As they grow up they will draw their own conclusions based on their Dad's behaviour.

@birdbandit I feel for you. I can't imagine how you feel (even with my shite experiences ). You are a brave and strong woman (even if you don't feel it), I can see that from your posts.

@birdbandit haven't been in this position myself but just wanted to say I'm on your side. You are being incredible and have the patience of a saint.

Limit all contact with your ex as much as you can.

You are all wonderfully kind. Thank you.

I was in a bit of a bad mood this morning!

If you don't think this issue affect women read this thread.

Birdbandit I am in awe of you, and all you other brave women who are sharing your stories. I haven’t been in your exact position but oh do I recognise the pattern. The depression (my fault), the manipulation (also my fault), the lies (my fault again) and finally the suicide threats (you guessed it). All to position him as the poor, brave soul who was so struggling with his mental health and to position me as the root cause and the heartless bitch who left him when he needed me most.

I can tell you all that 10 years on and married to a new, lovely man who loves and respects me - your lives do not need to and will not always be like this. I can see the same tired old manipulative lies being trotted out with a fresh coat of paint, and I’m just so sorry these men chose this path. It’s not your fault and it never will be, they choose to do this. You are all so strong, and I just wanted you to know that there are others who stand with you, rooting for you all the way

Feeling quite nervous about contributing to this thread. Worried it'll end up all over twitter. Have started posts and deleted for hours. Also don't want to 'out' my ex. We weren't together long but he's an AGP. He sent me texts this morning worried because he's been watching porn. Wanting my advice? Reassurance? I feel like I've been dragged back into it against my will.

I've suggested he gets professional help. Feeling conflicted because I'm (probably socialised to be) a helpful person who wants to make people feel better. Am also very angry that he's done this.

loudalone
If he's your ex, then do you have to respond? I realise that there may be children involved but from reading so many depressing stories of these self indulgent narcissistic men, it seems that distance and ignoring is the way to go.
His porn habit is his alone to resolve - why do you feel that you need to respond? (not meaning to be being harsh, just wondering)?

I responded to suggest he gets professional help and that it's his choice and he can choose to take control. He's worried about his mental health.

I don't know now why I'm having a wobble. Just remembering some things from our relationship I think. No kids involved. We weren't together long.

A wobble is always understandable. I'm not going to ask anything personal but, if his AGP was part of your relationship or break up then maybe you need to give yourself permission to block and ignore him. Sounds as if he's playing games with you tbh.

He is joining one of the most heavily resourced and funded minority groups ever. Let him find his support there - you're his ex (the clue's in the title). Put your energy into yourself and building up your confidence and resilience (as it sounds a bit as if that might help). Hopefully some of the stories on this thread will be of support

loud no children, not a long relationship. Totally block and ignore time. You don't owe him anything.

loud this is completely inappropriate from an ex. Do not feel sorry for him because he is trying to convince you that his problems are somehow different and special.

Do not engage.

Hi
Wow. A UK thread on this topic. There is so little out there for women in our position. My husband opted to leave me and my kids 3 years ago to transition. He handled it spectacularly badly after agreeing to transition slowly and carefully, talking to the children, preparing and warning them at each stage (oh, and working with me to do that carefully), but in fact just did it, immediately, and left my children terribly distressed and traumatized. We are now all estranged and he of course blames me for alienating his children from him. (I didn't need to, he did a great job of that himself). The whole thing is a nightmare, and it is hard to talk about as you are IMMEDIATELY labelled 'transphobic'. I'm fascinated that my feelings apparently don't have the same importance and validity as his, and that the trans movement seems to claim special sensitivity and intolerance of any distress or offence, yet my and my children's feelings about our betrayal, the lies, the broken agreements and the repetitive insensitivity (repeat postings of pictures in dresses despite being asked not to, which popped up on my children's screens much to their distress) and selfish disregard for others is rather ironic, isn't it? Phew, good to get this out there. I like others am terrified to even speak of my experiences.

Welcome aboard Social, I agree there should be more help for people who've been in our situation, but I'm not sure how else to go about it than this?

Your story about rapid transition and broken promises and boundaries is very familiar.

It's amazing how these men justify what is basically bad behaviour. My ex got particularly miffed by the divorce particulars which set out his unreasonable behaviour in some detail. Apparently this was very unfair as he has a "medical diagnosis of gender dysphoria", so couldn't help himself.

It's a shame your ex's behaviour has meant that your kids don't see their Dad, but there seems to be plenty of men who seem to find their kids incompatible with their new post split lifestyle.

With regards to the pictures popping up- My ex is very indiscreet on social media and blogging, and I'm pretty sure it will come out amongst my daughters friends and embarrass her one day. He's been retweeted into my twitter timeline randomly so it's only a matter of time that it'll happen to her or her friends.

First timer.....my h has gone from cross dresser to Transgender.
Need help and support Please.
I've been reading Transwidow posts for months now and I haven't had the courage to post.
I need help leaving him!! His situation/our marriage is making me ill. We have two young adult children. The morning after my ds went off to Uni h woke up crying. He said he can no longer be who I thought he was but now it's his time to become a 'woman'. After picking myself up from the floor. I have just spent 18 months in a fog of denial while his is steadily morphing into a female. We no longer have a marriage/relationship, I'm not sure why I am still with him. But I haven't wanted to take off those Blinkers. I have been trying to Contain the issue, but he has now taken on female mannerisms, attending Trans events, shaving every part of his body, but happy to be growing a full head of hair.
It hurts likes hell. I am finding it difficult to function, eat, sleep, live......Recently celebrated 25th wedding anniversary with friends.

Well done for being brave. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t have experience of this but the other women on this thread will be able to offer advice.

My condolences to both of you, it seems we are growing in number.

I flip flop from feeling desperately sad for my STBXH, I do think he is being failed by his support system, who are more interested in their appearing progressive and "woke", affirming his route down this path as the only and correct thing to do. Flipping to "hell mend him" as his actions and behaviour is so crappy.

It is always binge and purge and next time he falls out of his pink fog it'll hurt.

Your husband is gone. He did exist as you remember and understood him, don't waste your mind questioning this as he rewrites history. You are in a living bereavement situation.

Get practical, making steps everyday, no matter how small towards protecting you and your kids, creating a future, will help your mental health.

Sorry you are in this club with us all. X

My ex also challenged the wording I wrote on my divorce petition, disliking my noting the non-negotiable nature of his decision, and its impact on the children. They are a highly sensitive and self-absorbed bunch.
Hello newcomer. It is really tough and we can hear your pain. I think you should consider what YOU want. Not what anyone else wants. What do you want a few years' hence? I fear you will be consumed by his needs and lose yourself. If you do stay, you need to make sure your needs and feelings are equally valid and considered. If you leave, you will surely have plenty of support? Most of my friends agreed they could not have stayed with a man doing this.
I recommend being very practical - I focussed entirely on my finances, keeping a home, and my kids' routine, comfort, safety and having fun (they were 12 and 14 which was delightful and sensitive timing...)
I buried my grief somewhere very far down and only 3 years on feel upset that I lost my husband. It is bereavement with a living and changed person. I expected to get Him in a dress, but ended up with a completely different person, who took on all sorts of new interests and ways of being, and treated those around him in entirely new and negative ways. My kids and I concluded we didn't much like the new person.
So be aware you may not just get the physical change, but someone new whom you don't like much.
You can start again and it is utterly liberating to be free of them, even if it's tough financially and at key times when you miss them.
I'd seriously consider leaving - can you? What is stopping you? If your children are older, would they understand? I think most people do, contrary to the daytime-tv happy stories of women staying.
We can't go on telly to tell our side as our houses would be firebombed!
Good luck. What do you want to do? We are all here for you, out in the Web, so you are not alone.

I'm often struck by how little the partners of these men seem to matter. My husband cross dresses for sexy kicks. Luckily he doesn't seem to think that actually makes him a woman. I think it's the most sexually unattractive thing I can think of. Oh well. Lol. I do feel betrayed this was never mentioned before marriage.

I was watching a programme about coming out as trans in Swansea. I did feel sorry for the transwoman who was recently coming out but there was a distressed child (and presumably a woman) and they barely got a mention.
I have seen a couple of guardian "question " posts where selfish middle age transwomen get a hard time for treating their families badly. So much self obsession.

You don't see much written about transmen coming out later in life? I wonder why not?!

Hugs to all people effected by this. Its a mess for all concerned.

I couldn't really improve on @socialworker222 's advice above. It's spot on.

TinselAngel

I want to thank you again for starting this thread. It serves so many purposes. I don't mean that to sound cold. Anyone reading it can't help but be profoundly moved by the experiences of the women here.

And it has the added effect of being able, quite clearly, to demonstrate the other side of transgenderism. How it appears to be incredibly male focused, self obsessed and selfish.

It's counters the 'stunning and brave' narrative that is used relentlessly to promote it as an aspirational lifestyle. Or something that is beyond one's control, and therefore justified every step of the way.

Just because one is compelled to do something, it doesn't make it right. Or without responsibility.

I don't know if I can explain this properly either, because I don't want to tread on anyone's toes, as an outsider. But the rawness and confusion here is so palpable it's extremely difficult not to positively explode with compassion and empathy.

Most of the time the trans ideology just makes me angry, indignant, outraged. But threads like these, that are truly moving, add sorrow to those reactions. For both the women and their children, but also their husbands. I don't see any of them being happy or content. It seems to wreak nothing but destruction.

Anyway for those affected by this.

I often read this thread, go to write a comment, then delete it. Untangling one's reaction to this is quite difficult. I hope I haven't offended anyone.

Datun, you couldn't possibly offend anyone on this thread, and your tireless championship of woman's rights on this issue has been a lifeline to me. Your doing this despite not being personally affected by a trans spouse, is a huge reassurance to me, demonstrating that not all people think that my children and I don't matter. Thank you.

Thanks @Datun. I feel quite proud that I've got my own squad of Trans Widows winged monkeys now who can all fly free and help others on this thread!

(Can you tell I went to see "Wicked" last night?)