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Original poster

Trans Widows escape committee

972 replies

TinselAngel · 01/12/2017 15:55

This is a second attempt to start a thread for women who have been, or are still in unhappy relationships with Trans partners.

Having got out of a marriage to a man who transitioned shortly after we split, it would be good to be able to support others in a similar situation.

I know there's a few of you out there?

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Thread gallery
6
thesamesamestory · 17/01/2018 18:29

Bird Flowers Flowers Flowers

SmartiesHaveTheAnswer · 17/01/2018 19:42

Sending you strength Bird Thanks

Mum2OneTeen · 18/01/2018 05:49

Flowers Birdbandit
Stay strong, the best is yet to come

imablackstarnotapopstar · 20/01/2018 20:17

BirdBandit you can post where you like what you like. You don't mention his or your real name. Do not let him threaten you that unless you keep quiet he won't "do the right thing". The law is clear - you are a SAHM & will be financially supported no matter what he thinks! Get copies of all his business accounts and bank accounts and pension funds now and give them to your solicitor. He will try to hide everything and pretend his business is making a loss.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 25/01/2018 11:19

Well, I'm currently in the trenches of another relationship break up, so solidarity with all of you here who are in one, or thinking of being in one. Confused

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Italiangreyhound · 25/01/2018 16:54

@birdbandit thinking of you.

@TinselAngel hope all is OK.

birdbandit · 30/01/2018 12:30

Hi there,

Have any of you been open about the reality of AGP with your friends? I am feeling very dejected. I feel that it is in my best interests now to just go along with his sanitised narrative, to lie and pretend that he is a misunderstood good guy, as I don't think those on the outside understand. I don't think anyone wants to hear that I am anything less than delighted about losing my kids, financial security etc. I'm a bit of a buzz kill! Please tell me that this get better.

I know I shouldn't put any real faith in friendships, but I am sorely disappointed that folk who know about the abusive side are being "neutral" or allowing themselves to be courted by him. I don't feel very neutral about any of this.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 30/01/2018 20:32

Hi @birdbandit Good to see you back.

As I've said my ex didn't have such a blatant sexual motivation. I told friends about his transition though. He didn't really have many friends. "Our" friends had mostly originally been my friends and so stuck with me.

I don't see why you should have to take the blame. It might feel a bit much telling people about the AGP, can you just tell them about the cross dressing and the lies etc? Otherwise you'll be carrying on living a lie.

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NAEfeartie · 30/01/2018 21:33

If any of you are in or around Edinburgh on 14th Feb (I know, ironic) please do come to this. I'd love to meet with others who have been through this. Strength to us all. x

www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/a-womans-place-loves-womens-rights-tickets-42402450872

Original poster
TinselAngel · 30/01/2018 21:46

Hi @NAEfeartie - are you the lady from the trans widows blog that I nicked the title of this thread from?

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NAEfeartie · 30/01/2018 22:16

This is me..
naefearty.wordpress.com/2014/07/22/gas-mark-six/

NAEfeartie · 30/01/2018 22:17

Though I'd like to see the blog you mention...

Original poster
TinselAngel · 30/01/2018 22:30

I was thinking of this one, and getting the two mixed up I think.

transwidow.wordpress.com/

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Italiangreyhound · 30/01/2018 23:27

@birdbandit

I really hope you do not mind my posting here again, I am not a trans widow or a trans anything, I am just reading up on the subject and wanted to offer my support for what you are going through.

"I feel that it is in my best interests now to just go along with his sanitised narrative, to lie and pretend that he is a misunderstood good guy, as I don't think those on the outside understand."

I think if this is how you want to play it', you can. Your choice. If this is the path of least resistance for you, then do that. I'd be expecting a fucking shit load of good behavior back in return, might even try and get that in writing from him.

Italiangreyhound · 30/01/2018 23:30

"I don't think anyone wants to hear that I am anything less than delighted about losing my kids, financial security etc. I'm a bit of a buzz kill! "

I am a bit confused, what do you mean losing your kids? Is he demanding some sort of custody of them? I would be fighting this tooth and nail, or have I read that wrongly?

I think you could possibly say that if your friends really are not interested in your life and what is happening to you, they are really not friends. So by all means have a coffee with them, or use them for babysitting services if you know and trust them.

But make new friends.

I'd not be burning my bridges with friends because you may need them, and you may wish to have at least an ear into what he is saying.

"I know I shouldn't put any real faith in friendships, but I am sorely disappointed that folk who know about the abusive side are being "neutral" or allowing themselves to be courted by him. I don't feel very neutral about any of this."

You should be able to rely on real friends. Is it a herd mentality thing? Could you single out your best female friend and see if there is any solidarity there?

I don't feel you should take the blame. I honestly think you need to decide either to tell the truth, or tell a version of the truth that makes it clear it is your husbands fault that your marriage broke down, or talk about it as departure from each other and no blame for either of you - if that is easier for you. You really should not take all the blame.

Italiangreyhound · 30/01/2018 23:53

@NAEfeartie

I read naefearty.wordpress.com/2014/07/22/gas-mark-six/ ages ago, it made so much sense.

I am not a trans widow but I do know a few trans identified or gender fluid young people and the whole thing is very scary. I am trying to read up and learn more. From a gender critical position.

EmilyHowardsWife · 02/02/2018 10:10

Bird & Tinsel Hope you are both coping and doing well - sending my best wishes Flowers
Naefeartie I've also read your blog ages ago and the "boiling frog" was something I really related to - it was a great read and one of the first to know that I wasn't alone in my feelings.
Documenting where I am at the moment - my partner is going through a purge cycle.
The cause of the purge, he wanted to spend time en-femme and then call me when he was ready to have a "happy-ending" (so I would be intimate with him but didn't need to witness his parading and posing). What actually happened, I waited downstairs while he was dressed, but he never called me to join him (must have given himself a happy ending) and couldn't understand why I felt upset that I had been waiting to have intimate time with him but he just ignored me.
Later he was in a calm mood and (literally) begged me to tell him my negative feelings re his en-femme side. So I did, I told him I thought he looked like a mess and I didn't find in sexually exciting at all. He agreed that it must be difficult for me and said that he hadn't asked me to join him earlier because he just saw a man in dress and couldn't face me like this.
He said he loved to feel "femme" but he would now give it all up and be "normal" and "boring" for me as he valued his family more.
Where we are now - he is cold and distant, no loving gestures, going from all over me to hardly even noticing I'm there. I feel like I've gone from sex-slave to sister. He says he needs to purge all thoughts of CDing from his head and that means no thoughts of sex at all at the moment.
He says he will get rid of the "femme" stuff, but it's still there - not sure if this is real - am I now going to live a sexless life, or will it come back and haunt me even more strongly than before - is this cycle normal - reality is that it will come back at some point (he swears it won't) but my gut instinct tells me this is wishful thinking.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 02/02/2018 19:59

@EmilyHowardsWife He probably believes it. And he's distant because he's depressed about giving that side of himself up.

Then, in my experience, the giving up becomes to difficult and the whole cycle starts all over again. Secretly at first, and then more and more blatantly.

But you know this Sad

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Original poster
TinselAngel · 02/02/2018 19:59

Too difficult!

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birdbandit · 03/02/2018 19:15

Oh Emily, I know that phase well, as I am sure you do. How long do you think you have before the secret stuff starts and he starts acting as if you are the evil gatekeeper, denying him his sexy thrills, and hoarding all the femme for yourself.

My life is a bit shit at the moment, but by golly, I do not miss the egg shell dance and being treated like I am a blind fool.

Get out!!!!

birdbandit · 03/02/2018 19:24

That nonsense he has you accepting, where you wait for him to be ready for his happy ending, where you are expected to be grateful for the crumbs of pseudo affection he is deigned to throw you?!? That make me mad as hell on your behalf. And it doesn't even enter his self obsessed head that you might not be delighted with that, it is SERIOUSLY wrong.

Honestly, the worst for me has been the last few months, the anxiety of knowing the inevitable, and not wanting or accepting that to be true. Now it has actually happened. We are living apart, sharing the childcare, prepping to divorce etc, this is far less stressful than before. He's on a massive PR campaign to demonstrate his goodness, his family hate me, I am not well supported, I'm going to be skint, I have to restart a career at 40 etc, etc. This is massive, but it is truly better than before.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 03/02/2018 20:06

I'm so pleased to here you're in a better place now, @birdbandit - it's a great feeling when you break out of the cage isn't it? Thanks

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birdbandit · 03/02/2018 21:20

Oh it will all get better. Honestly, if we all have the mental stamina to live or have lived with this cockfoolery, then we definitely have the reserves to thrive once out.

Don't let the mad man bully you into thinking you can't.

birdbandit · 03/02/2018 21:22

A huge thanks to all for your words and ears, I'm happier to be out of the grim.

Original poster
TinselAngel · 03/02/2018 21:36

What childcare arrangement have you ended up with, Bird?

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